Do you understand ?

Margaret, yes that is it, i am angry at all my daughter is missing,

trendygran, I am so very sorry. Your grandchildren were so young. My daughter brought her children up to the ages of 17, 12, 10. Then the illness became too strong, she chose to leave the family home because she loved her children and husband, she lived alone for seven years, my son in law and I co parented with my daughter being kept informed on everything. Her illness became so bad she thought the children, now in their teens were of junior school age. Her husband never lost hope she would recover.

I fully support my son in law having this relationship. The children have made choices and moved away, this I fully supported. My husband died 43 years ago, I do not want my son in law to live a lonely life. I feel so lost , accept I always will in what ever time I have left. My younger daughter is a darling but lives so far away , I have only seen her once since her sister died. Suppose I find an empty life difficult to come to terms with but know I have to. Thank you x

Annie.....I felt this when my first husband died aged 52. The counsellor I saw then said you are grieving for what "He" is missing and going to miss. In my case three of four children getting married and births of all nine grandchildren, plus all the silly little things in life, that they will never see/hear/laugh over. I actually felt angry that he had been robbed of his future if you like. There are no words to comfort. You don't get over it, you learn to live with it.
Margaret

I thought you had two daughters AnnieBach

I am so sorry. Grief never completely leaves us and the reminders are there even when we least expect them. The worst thing has happened to you, and not that long ago, and there is nothing horrible about how you feel.

Hello Anniebach. I totally understand your feelings as I lost my younger daughter to suicide eight and a half years ago-aged just 33 and the mother of two girls ,then aged 4 and 2. Just over a year ago my ‘Son in Law who isn’t’ - but will always be thought of as that- married a most lovely lady who has a great relationship with my granddaughters ,now aged 13 and almost 11. It is that which keeps me going, knowing they have a very loving step mum and that my ex Son in Law has found happiness again after the trauma he went through. I miss my daughter every single day and always will. I rarely see her daughters as they live 300 miles away, but it’s wonderful when I do.
Try to be glad that your son in law who isn’t has found happiness again after obviously being devastated at losing his wife. You will always wish you still had your daughter,as I do, but life does have to go on,hard though that maybe for us..

It's only natural you will never forget your daughter. You sound a very kind person.

???

True Old Meg,

There is nothing worse than losing a child Annie

Lots of lovely posts Annie, so I'll just send you a hug and reiterate that it's grief you are feeling.

I understand. A close relative's partner just remarried. It has been years since he died. I'm very pleased for her but it also breaks my heart.

I dont have much to do with the new partner which helps. She knows Im supportive but also I was glad to not be invited to the wedding. That would have been too much.

Thank you all so much. I was so troubled, thought I was turning into a someone realy horrible, it upset me . We all have to move on, when my second Grandchild graduated in July,my son in law sent me a text, ‘ so proud of her but I wish her mother was here to share it with me’ . This is how it will be,I have to accept it.

PECS, that video clip was so right.

Nothing can remove the grief, the longing to hear her laughter , but nothing can remove what we shared .

You have all been so understanding and such caring, I thank you all x

Annie I saw this recently and it made some sense to me..hope it helps you too.. even in a small way to appreciate that what you feel is OK.
www.facebook.com/bbctwo/videos/bbc-stories-like-minds-on-bbc-iplayer/2170954869790560/

Annie, there is nothing unkind in the genuine sadness you carry every day for the loss of your daughter - not only for who she was but for all she might have been and done had she lived. Your heart is torn two ways, you want the very best for your son in law and you are realistic enough to know that may include someone else in his life...but it’s a hard thing to accommodate when you're grieving and just wish your daughter could still be here. Please don’t give yourself a hard time about how you feel, be as kind to yourself as I know you would be to anyone else you saw struggling with such hard times. xx

Oh anniebach
I am so sorry.
Someone told me, when my son died, that you never get over losing a child ....whatever their age. You just learn not to scratch the scab

Decades on, there is still the odd time when loss creeps up unexpectedly and bites me. Its normal, and can happen to anyone who has walked this path. So yes, I understand.

Sometimes, the memory catches and emotion runs as strongly as in the very first days. The grief, and the loss, feel no different. The tears are just as painful.

It is still grief, and it really is okay to feel the way you feel. It does not detract from your love, care and amazing support for your SIL and family, but you would not be human if you didn't carry your own pain.
I hope tomorrow is an easier day.
x

Oh annie (((hugs))) and this is grief, so natural and so understandable.

Grief Annie, it’s grief for your darling little girl, kiss her picture, she’s with you.xxxx

Grief is something that most of us will feel one day and it will different for different people. It is the deepest and longest sadness along with other unexplained feelings that we have to cope with. You are not being unkind when you think that it should be your daughter who should still be here in the companions place. Life is unfair and losing a loved one is something that is so hard to cope with and you are being very normal in how you think.
I'm glad that you can see so much of your daughter in her children which will be a reminder of her every time you see them. No words can soften your grief but I do hope that you will in time find peace of mind. Take care Annie.

Annie I can't imagine how much this must be hurting - no matter how pleased you are for your family that they are getting on with their lives for you there is no 'getting on'. Your precious daughter died and nothing will ever be the same again for you - all you can ever ask of yourself is that one day acceptance will come and that in your granddaughters your daughter lives on and her memory will always be with you and them. The fact that you couldn't be at the meal is an added hurt - that perhaps may be something that you will be able to participate with in the future but it's still too early and if it does happen it won't stop the feelings of what should have been. Don't be hard on yourself - what has happened is unbearable and it's totally understandable you feel the way you do. Feel free to come on here and say it like it is - we are a big community who just want to give you as much virtual support as we can and there are others here who will have a greater understanding of how hard you find this latest situation. x

Annie, I think it's totally understandable and one that I think anyone of us would feel. It's certainly not unkind, and is part of grief, loss and a feeling of being sort of cheated, if you know what I mean. Hope this doesn't sound too glib.

You are so kind, I am sorry to bring it to the forum but there is no one in my life I can talk to.

I am ashamed of myself, I fully support my son in law having a companion , I certaintly know the lonliness of widowhood. But ! my daughters children , she adored them
I was with her when she had the positive pregnancy tests from the chemist , her joy. The unplanned third pregnancy to her was a special gift. I was asked if I would like to name this new little person.

The day may well come when the companion will go into the family home, my daughters home and yes my son in law’s home . I accept this yet it hurts, I feel angry with myself, my beloved daughter is no more, but she carried these three children, gave birth, the middle child has her mother’s gift to light up a room, the youngest has the caring thoughtfulness her mother had, hence the two text to me last Saturday . The companion may see my daughters grandchildren that may be, one day .

Is this grief or something unkind ? Please tell me
:

Annie, I feel your pain.
Just as you are taking baby steps forward something comes along that knocks you for six. There will always be happenings that suddenly cause your pain to resurface. Eventually that pain will become less severe though it never goes completely.

Sending you and (((hugs)))

I absolutely understand . It is heartbreaking for you.

They haven't come out at all as I thought they would! But the sentiment is the same x.