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Do you understand ?

(59 Posts)
Anniebach Mon 24-Sep-18 10:33:55

Last Saturday was my son in law’s birthday. My three grandchildren travelled here to celebrate with him which was lovely, one drove from Cornwall.

They all went out for dinner, three grandchildren , two partners, son in law who isn’t , wife and children, my entire family .

My son in law has been dating a woman for a while, I fully encouraged this. He was faithful to my daughter the seven years they lived apart and he was devasted when she died. Son in law who isn’t had to force him to leave the mortuary, he wanted to stay with her.

The woman joined them for the dinner. I fully support this, but I found it heartbreaking. Whilst they were at dinner my youngest grandchild sent me 2 texts, when my daughter was young and went out for an evening, she would often phone, ‘ hi Mum, I just saw x x , hi Mum xx and xx have broken up,
This amused us because she was coming home later that evening, nothing that was at all important.

Last Saturday night I had such mixed feelings, Happy they were all enjoying themselves yet such a longing, she should have been there, and the text from my granddaughter was a reminder of such happy times .

I am thankful they are getting on with their lives , but my life ? She was the centre of it and she is dead .

Bathsheba Mon 24-Sep-18 10:41:16

Yes I do understand Annie. Bereavement is a very long road and it's hard to witness other people's happiness, no matter how much you are thankful that they are dealing with the loss in their own way, and 'getting on with their lives'. Your loss is still very painful to you. So yes, I do understand and I'm sending you ((((hugs)))) flowers

PECS Mon 24-Sep-18 10:45:51

Annie I cannot pretend to understand how you actually feel but I can sense your almost tangible pain at the loss of a beloved daughter.
As a mum of two daughters myself a I can only imagine my feelings if I were in your situation. Those really mixed emotions of happiness that your family is OK and lovely but the continued sadness at the loss of your child will be hard to experience. flowers

Juggernaut Mon 24-Sep-18 10:48:23

Sending you flowersflowersflowers, sunshine and a big cuddle. X

GrannyGravy13 Mon 24-Sep-18 10:49:37

Sending you hugs Anniebach ????

My heart cries every day for my Mum, I appreciate it is the natural order to lose our parents. Your daughter died in the most tragic of circumstances which must make it so much harder to bear.

Auntieflo Mon 24-Sep-18 10:55:33

Annie, I don't know what to say. You have made me cry with your heartfelt sorrow for your daughter. We all know hiw much you loved her, I think, we here on GN also love you for the way you have, with greta dignity, shared your love and loss. I can't do anything, but I send you {{{hugs}}} and my prayers.
As Julian of Nowich said
"All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things shall be well"
We never know what is in store for us, but have a peaceful day. Your family live and care for you. So do we.

Auntieflo Mon 24-Sep-18 10:56:05

Sorry about the typos

Nonnie Mon 24-Sep-18 11:42:38

Annie you know that I understand. They tell us it gets easier but I haven't found that yet. All I can say is that gradually I am coping with it better but the pain remains.

nigglynellie Mon 24-Sep-18 12:06:52

Annie, hugs, hugs and more hugs.???. (This is a bunch of roses for you) ??

nigglynellie Mon 24-Sep-18 12:07:57

They haven't come out at all as I thought they would! But the sentiment is the same x.

Greenfinch Mon 24-Sep-18 12:13:03

I absolutely understand . It is heartbreaking for you.

kathsue Mon 24-Sep-18 13:09:52

Annie, I feel your pain.
Just as you are taking baby steps forward something comes along that knocks you for six. There will always be happenings that suddenly cause your pain to resurface. Eventually that pain will become less severe though it never goes completely.

Sending you flowers flowers flowers and (((hugs)))

Anniebach Mon 24-Sep-18 13:14:24

You are so kind, I am sorry to bring it to the forum but there is no one in my life I can talk to.

I am ashamed of myself, I fully support my son in law having a companion , I certaintly know the lonliness of widowhood. But ! my daughters children , she adored them
I was with her when she had the positive pregnancy tests from the chemist , her joy. The unplanned third pregnancy to her was a special gift. I was asked if I would like to name this new little person.

The day may well come when the companion will go into the family home, my daughters home and yes my son in law’s home . I accept this yet it hurts, I feel angry with myself, my beloved daughter is no more, but she carried these three children, gave birth, the middle child has her mother’s gift to light up a room, the youngest has the caring thoughtfulness her mother had, hence the two text to me last Saturday . The companion may see my daughters grandchildren that may be, one day .

Is this grief or something unkind ? Please tell me

nigglynellie Mon 24-Sep-18 13:40:05

Annie, I think it's totally understandable and one that I think anyone of us would feel. It's certainly not unkind, and is part of grief, loss and a feeling of being sort of cheated, if you know what I mean. Hope this doesn't sound too glib.

Willow500 Mon 24-Sep-18 14:29:47

Annie I can't imagine how much this must be hurting - no matter how pleased you are for your family that they are getting on with their lives for you there is no 'getting on'. Your precious daughter died and nothing will ever be the same again for you - all you can ever ask of yourself is that one day acceptance will come and that in your granddaughters your daughter lives on and her memory will always be with you and them. The fact that you couldn't be at the meal is an added hurt - that perhaps may be something that you will be able to participate with in the future but it's still too early and if it does happen it won't stop the feelings of what should have been. Don't be hard on yourself - what has happened is unbearable and it's totally understandable you feel the way you do. Feel free to come on here and say it like it is - we are a big community who just want to give you as much virtual support as we can and there are others here who will have a greater understanding of how hard you find this latest situation. x

JuneS Mon 24-Sep-18 14:34:21

Grief is something that most of us will feel one day and it will different for different people. It is the deepest and longest sadness along with other unexplained feelings that we have to cope with. You are not being unkind when you think that it should be your daughter who should still be here in the companions place. Life is unfair and losing a loved one is something that is so hard to cope with and you are being very normal in how you think.
I'm glad that you can see so much of your daughter in her children which will be a reminder of her every time you see them. No words can soften your grief but I do hope that you will in time find peace of mind. Take care Annie.

Grandmashe43 Mon 24-Sep-18 14:35:34

Grief Annie, it’s grief for your darling little girl, kiss her picture, she’s with you.xxxx

Synonymous Mon 24-Sep-18 14:52:46

Oh annie (((hugs))) and this is grief, so natural and so understandable. flowers flowers flowers

ChaosIncorporated Mon 24-Sep-18 14:54:28

Oh anniebach
I am so sorry.
Someone told me, when my son died, that you never get over losing a child ....whatever their age. You just learn not to scratch the scab

Decades on, there is still the odd time when loss creeps up unexpectedly and bites me. Its normal, and can happen to anyone who has walked this path. So yes, I understand.

Sometimes, the memory catches and emotion runs as strongly as in the very first days. The grief, and the loss, feel no different. The tears are just as painful.

It is still grief, and it really is okay to feel the way you feel. It does not detract from your love, care and amazing support for your SIL and family, but you would not be human if you didn't carry your own pain.
I hope tomorrow is an easier day.

grannyqueenie Mon 24-Sep-18 18:40:09

Annie, there is nothing unkind in the genuine sadness you carry every day for the loss of your daughter - not only for who she was but for all she might have been and done had she lived. Your heart is torn two ways, you want the very best for your son in law and you are realistic enough to know that may include someone else in his life...but it’s a hard thing to accommodate when you're grieving and just wish your daughter could still be here. Please don’t give yourself a hard time about how you feel, be as kind to yourself as I know you would be to anyone else you saw struggling with such hard times. xx

PECS Mon 24-Sep-18 19:25:11

Annie I saw this recently and it made some sense to me..hope it helps you too.. even in a small way to appreciate that what you feel is OK.

Anniebach Mon 24-Sep-18 20:55:15

Thank you all so much. I was so troubled, thought I was turning into a someone realy horrible, it upset me . We all have to move on, when my second Grandchild graduated in July,my son in law sent me a text, ‘ so proud of her but I wish her mother was here to share it with me’ . This is how it will be,I have to accept it.

PECS, that video clip was so right.

Nothing can remove the grief, the longing to hear her laughter , but nothing can remove what we shared .

You have all been so understanding and such caring, I thank you all x

notanan2 Mon 24-Sep-18 21:37:48

I understand. A close relative's partner just remarried. It has been years since he died. I'm very pleased for her but it also breaks my heart.

I dont have much to do with the new partner which helps. She knows Im supportive but also I was glad to not be invited to the wedding. That would have been too much.

kittylester Tue 25-Sep-18 07:13:14

Lots of lovely posts Annie, so I'll just send you a hug and reiterate that it's grief you are feeling.

OldMeg Tue 25-Sep-18 07:17:40

There is nothing worse than losing a child Annie