Do you understand ?

Oh, Annie, of course I understand. Who wouldn't? Imo, losing a child is one of the worst losses there are, maybe the worst, period. And grief can come and go in waves, I think, and be triggered by many different things. it's perfectly normal that SIL and kids going to dinner with a new woman makes you think of dd and brings a fresh wave a grief. So deeply sorry! Sending lots of hugs though I doubt those will ever be enough!

when my best friend from school died age 45 her OH quickly moved on.He moved a girlfriend into their home in just 6 weeks .I was devaststed for her poor parents.It was as if she was worth nothing as he was "entitled" to move on .
I have to admit that I wasn't pleasant to him about the new woman,who was really a girl over 20 years younger than him and my friends mother couldn't even look at him.Its really hard now when in general people expect the bereaved to make a new life instantly,maybe to save them dealing with grief .I do think jumping in too fast to a new relationship is often a mistake .I couldn't understand how he could replace my lovely bright funny friend so fast .

It is only 10 months since my daughter died, yet I experience the same MissAdventure

Somebody said to me "well, this will take you a while to get over".
It was said in good faith, so I tried to be gracious about it.
I also feel that when I see people I know and they ask how I am, they're taken aback that i'll often just grimace and say "still miserable, really".
I can almost sense an imperceptible sigh from them.

So true downtoearth, one of the reasons I stopped going out, couldn’t cope with the condolences! ‘ i am sorry, what possessed her to do it” she couldn’t have had anyone to turn to’ even ‘ didn’t she think of her children” .

Yes Annie... they have all moved on,I also think that suicide is still a difficult subject,people feel uncomfortable around.xx

Thank you midgey x

Does anyone who has Lost their child find they want to talk about that child but cannot because there is no one who wants to hear ?

Thinking about you Annie

downtoearth, both your daughters , Such pain. I have a younger daughter, she moved away some years ago, I have only seen her once this year, but she is living her life and is well and happy. Yes we are on the outside looking in.

Maddy, you are suffering too , grief doesn’t only come with a death.

My thoughts have been drifting back to my two baby girls who died at birth . We wanted four children, we had four children, now I have one, we have to take what life throws at us. The grief I have for the loss of my darling daughter is the price I pay for the wonderful years we had together.

Totally understand Annie ,I lost my first daughter she would have celebrated her 40th birthday earlier this month,my second daughter to suicide 15 years ago aged 23 still that void missing my girls is huge,especially at special times,and recently on the birth of my new GD,it brings home the bond of mothers and daughters as I watch how close my sons partner is to her mum,and my friends are to their daughters,we arent horrible people Annie,we are mothers grieving for our children,on the outside looking in.big hugs to you

Annie, I've only just seen this thread, but I want to say to you that you don't have a single bad bone in your body, nor a single unkind thought in your head. You are so kind to the other grans on here, and you have been so supportive to me when I have spoken about my trouble.
How you are feeling is absolutely normal, you have lost your beloved daughter, and now you see your SiL moving on with his life, as you know he must. You are not being unkind, you want him to make a new start, but of course you feel the grief as you see this happen. I am lucky, all my children and grandchildren are here, I have not suffered the devastating loss that you, and some other grans have experienced. Please do not be so hard on yourself, you are grieving Annie. God bless.

* Annie* I am relatively new on here but your name is one I instantly connected with but I don’t know your whole story. Nevertheless I really don’t think you should feel AT ALL guilty or bad about what you are feeling. I can only imagine how it must feel to be in your situation and you sound like a kind, thoughtful person. Don’t beat yourself up. My heart goes out to you. Take care x

Just seen this thread Annie none of us knows how we would be able ( or not able) to handle what life throws at us.
Not until it happens, and anger is a stage of grief, so let it out.

Thank you all so much, such kindness , I assure you all I realy do not have anyone to discuss things with. You help me so much x

We are all here for you Annie, xx

Annie, I feel for you and it is very difficult to see another in your daughter's place so to speak. The anger will go, it is completely normal and doesn't make you a bad person. At my brother's wake my ex SIL came over to tell me that she was getting remarried and shortly after announced her pregnancy. Even though I know she left my DB for the sake of her own sanity and is a lovely person, I could have battered her. It wasn't her fault I felt like that and I hope I hid it well.
I hope in time you can see this lady as a gift to your DGC which will never replace their loss but will ease it if she becomes a permanent part of their lives. She will never replace your daughter for them as she is always in their hearts but if there is an afterlife, I am sure that now your daughter is at peace, she will be glad they have another human being to support them. Good mothers are like that. xx

Anniebach. Thanks for your reply to my message . I lost my Husband 10 years ago next week-just 16months before I lost my daughter. Like you I still feel very alone,even though I have several good (lady) friends and belong to two U3A groups . They are a good way to make new friends and join in any of the various activities .
My now only daughter lives near but I still don’t see them very often often because their nursing shifts, school and grandchildren’s activities at weekends make them so busy.
I hope you will somehow manage to have positive feelings
but I know how difficult that is.

Anger is okay anniebach
Its another stage of grief.
Scream. Rant. Be mad at God...the Universe...fate...all of it.
Just don't hold it in.

Life can be so damned unfair.

I meant to say ...'but time really doesn't let us forget'.

There is absolutely nothing unkind about how you feel and my heart goes out to you. You sound like a good person and your grief is for your loss and your daughter and her children's loss - she is missing all these moments with her children and they with her. Totally understandable. I simply cannot imagine the pain of losing a child and I am sending you a big cwtch.

Annie,
Years ago, my oldest D was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. Our first grandchildren (twins) were about to celebrate their first birthday when she was diagnosed. The thought of losing her and the thought of my baby grandchildren being left motherless, seemed more than I could bear. Our ordeal would last for yet another year until by some miracle, she came out on the other side a wounded, worn and battle scarred survivor.

I am so sorry for your loss Annie. Although the grief I came to know was lesser than yours by comparison, I am forever changed by that experience. I also wanted you to know from one mother to another, that I came very close to feeling the depth of your grief first hand....and yes, time does deaden the pain and helps us heal without letting us forget.

Hugs, Willa

anniebach I don't think you have a horrible bone in your body. Anyone who knows what you have been through and reads your posts can only see the love which you have for all your family. You also reach out and support others. I think you are a kindhearted caring person and that won't change. Be gentle with yourself ?

Anniebach, I would imagine losing one of your children, at whatever age they were, must be heart wrenching and having to see the rest of her family moving on must be very hard. But just tell yourself that she must have done an amazing job bringing her children up, that they are able to do that.

I am not sure though, that as a parent, you can ever ‘get over’ your child’s death, you just have to try and find ways to live with it. Maybe joining a group for bereaved parents might help you, as they will all understand exactly how you feel.

Take care xx

Oh Annie, I haven't experienced losing a child and I can't even begin to imagine how I would cope. You are being a normal, human, loving mother, mother in law and grandmother. You are dealing with the most painful loss that life can throw at a parent, with love and dignity and kindness. Don't beat yourself up for your private thoughts...you have a human heart and feelings... you can't help those unbidden thoughts...surely any parent would feel just the same? It doesn't detract one bit from the love you feel for your family, nor from the genuine welcome you've extended to your son in law's new partner, despite your grief. You sound like a very special lady to me and I hope that all your family know how lucky they are to have such a sweetheart in their midst. Your daughter would be so very proud of you. (((hugs)))