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Three bereavements this year

(42 Posts)
Smurf52 Thu 15-Nov-18 15:58:30

I lost my lovely daughter in law Alison in April to cancer, my wonderful friend Andy who died in his sleep in September and my beloved son aged 25 to suicide last month. I hate this year with a vengeance.

grannyactivist Fri 16-Nov-18 02:02:06

What a heartbreaking post Smurf. I am so very sorry for your losses and very much hope that you are surrounded by people who can give you help and support right now.

There are others on here who have recently suffered the deaths of loved ones, including some whose children have taken their own lives, so I am sure you will receive much sympathy and understanding from those who have walked the path you are on. flowers

(And yes, in your shoes I too would be glad to see this year come to an end!)

janeainsworth Fri 16-Nov-18 02:12:11

Smurf I’m so very sorry. I can’t imagine the pain you are suffering. I hope you have someone to comfort you.

sukie Fri 16-Nov-18 03:40:09

I am so sorry Smurf. Just reading what you've gone through takes my breath away. There are no words. hug

absent Fri 16-Nov-18 06:01:22

At our age we kind of expect, or at least are not surprised, that our contemporaries – family and friends – are reaching the ends of their lives. That, of course, doesn't mean it isn't hard to say goodbye. The deaths of those younger than us remain infinitely painful and to face the death of a child of whatever age must be unbearable. I am so sorry to hear of the deaths of your daughter-in-law, friend and son. This year is nearly over and I hope the year ahead brings you some joy.

grannyqueenie Fri 16-Nov-18 09:33:38

Thats an awful lot of sadness to bear, smurf, no wonder you want the year to end. Grieving can feel a very lonely place to be, filled with strong and sometimes overwhelming emotions. It can feel like no one really understands, even caring friends or family. There are those on gransnet who’re walking a similar path to you, I hope you’re able to connect with them in some way. Thinking of you ?

Framilode Fri 16-Nov-18 09:38:28

I'm so, so sorry. Nothing I can say will make your dreadful losses any less but I am thinking of you and wishing so much I could bring you some comfort.

Buffybee Fri 16-Nov-18 09:50:19

So, so sorry for your losses this year. flowers
Things must be very difficult for you, if you need any support, we are all here for you!

downtoearth Fri 16-Nov-18 10:03:26

I am so sorry for all your losses,how do you start to grieve over so many,with so many unanswered questions about your sons suicide( I lost my daughter this way).
I hope you are able to get some support,I know that you will be on GN when ever you feel the need of loving support flowers

Smurf52 Fri 16-Nov-18 12:22:11

Thanks all for your kind support and heartfelt words. I am seeing a local grief counsellor who was found by my Canadian DIL on google. I have found the local Cruse support group but they recommend I wait until 3 months after losing my son which will bring me to January. I have visited the local spiritualist church which has been a comfort. My sister who is currently staying with me came along on Wednesday and the medium singled us out and so many things were said that struck home, names, people etc that even my sister who is a sceptic was shocked! I've had enormous support from not only you lovely fellow Gransnetters but family and friends too. I am very lucky in that respect xx

MawBroon Fri 16-Nov-18 12:38:16

My sincerest sympathies for your sad, sad losses.
Something I have felt since losing DH almodt exactly a year ago is that whatever you feel like doing, is right for you.
There are no hard and fast rules about grieving and mourning. In fact for me, things got worse instead of better as the rest of the world got back to turning and just because I wasn’t in floods of tears in public, the assumption was that I was “getting over it”
As if!
Some people said some incredibly silly things to me, albeit kindly meant, but the best “advice” I had from a doctor was that where she grew up in N London, the Jewish tradition was to do nothing for the first year, make no major decisions or changes, feel under no pressure to do anything I didnt want to, feel no guilt if I found I was actually enjoying something, and feel no pressure to “move on”
Get past all the “firsts” -birthdays, anniversaries , Christmas, Easter etc then on the first anniversary be together with loved ones, set the stone (if appropriate) remember the dead and celebrate their life.
Then, and only then, think about the rest of your life if and when you feel ready
I can honestly say that it was as if a burden had lifted off my shoulders and now, 1 year and 1 week on, I mourn DH no less but feel a peace of mind which will enable me to go on living.
We are all different and grief is not something to “get through” as if there is a rainbow on the other side, but we do become more able to bear the loss.

grannyqueenie Sun 18-Nov-18 18:27:03

Lots of people have left supportive and helpful messages, There is no need for me to repeat what’s already bern said. For anyone wanting to access bereavement support via the internet it’s worth looking at this site
There are of course lots of others, just thought I’d highlight this one as I’d not been aware of it previously. Thinking of all with sore hearts today.

52bright Sun 18-Nov-18 19:18:17

So sorry for all your losses Smurf52. A terrible year. One step at a time. As Mawbroon says ...however you deal with your grief is right for you. Hope you have real life support. Best wishes.

mumofmadboys Sun 18-Nov-18 19:55:20

Thinking of you Smurf. Hope you have family and friends around to support you.x

Fennel Sun 18-Nov-18 20:18:13

What a terrible year you've had, Smurf.
Thinking of you, and your sister. And glad you've had some support and comfort.

craftyone Sat 16-Feb-19 08:09:26

so sad and difficult to cope with smurf. It makes you numb

I had 3 bereavements within 2 years, husband married 45 years, sister in law, date was a day later and one year after my husband, then six months later my sister who had given her all for everyone else and never lived to see her retirement

Honestly it changes the mindset, petty things mean nothing and neither is it worth saving too much beyond what is needed for our own old age. It helps to form a get up and do it mentality and I decided to downsize, sort out, sell my home and buy another after the third death. Downsizing things is done, I packed the whole house, almost at exchange on a new easy care new build

It is about trying to build some positivity, rather than sitting in a corner, it is working for me, being busy

annep1 Sat 16-Feb-19 08:58:29

So sorry Smurf. Can only reiterate what Smiley4 has said. flowers