Second year

I was widowed 26 years ago,and found the second year worse than the first, and so did my mum when she was widowed. It's no comfort MawBroon and others, I know, and I tried to think why? I think it's definitely a feeling of
" this is it, it won't get better" and also I was led to believe I would feel better after the first anniversaries, birthdays etc, and I didn't. It seems to be a common thing. A friend who had been in a violent relationship gave me some advice which did help and I felt it to be right( her bereavement was that she lost the person she felt should have been ). She told me "you don't get over things, you learn to live with them". You do, and I think time does heal, but it's slow. This time of year doesn't help either, even though I am in a very happy relationship now, post Christmas is an odd time, it's gloomy and odd. All the best Maw, I hope something comes along to make things better for you.

I really feel for you Mawbroon. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I can't offer anything but my heart felt good wishes that eventually you will find peace and happiness.

This is my fifth year. Thought I was approximately coping, although the first year was full of violent tears and anger and guilt, but I also joined a health club and swam, and even tried dating. I then hit massive health problems, and facing these alone has been something else (at present I can barely walk, so surgery is on the menu which means hiring a carer - a stranger when I'll be at my most vulnerable)

It's that totally private relationship between two people who meant the world to each other that I miss, but also, the friends inexplicably lost - the good friend who dominated the gathering after the funeral, but who couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone afterwards and ask me how I was (haven't heard from her since) and the even closer friend who'd lost her ex - they'd been divorced for ages, and the relationship had always been, according to her, disastrous - and to whom I wasn't sympathetic enough, so she dropped me.

And oh, the idiotic and insensitive things people said when they didn't know what to say, like: 'Wasn't he lucky to go like that?' (He had a massive heart attack, and must have been terrified and in pain). Or, 'He had a good innings' (he wasn't that old, and why should I be grateful?) Or, 'You had a great marriage and some people don't' (all the more reason for me to grieve.) The perpetual and ongoing silence in my house is something else, too, so yes, I do understand where you are, even five years later.

Still feel the lonelinesss after 10 years of widowhood. I have several good girlfriends to meet for coffee and /or lunch quite often and I also belong to 2/U3A. groups and join in With various related groups.That is fine , but the lonely feeling is whenI return to my apartment with no-one to talk to or generally share life with. Holidays and outings are much more difficult -and cost more when single!
I have some family nearby and some 300miles away. I don’t even see the local ones very often as ,like everyone else ,they are very busy juggling their work/children and home life constantly.
Most of my long time friends still have their partners and are often away on holiday or busy together with their own families. Being alone is not easy ,as I’m sure others will agree.

That's beautiful.

I have been reading this thread all day and feel so sad for everyone living with bereavement either in the real sense of as with Ann60's version.

How you must feel is unimaginable and I admire the way you all cope and especially admire the fact that you open up about it thus allowing other people to open up to.

That's not much help to you though is it?

When our firstborn was on his way, I was so proud, we would chatter away making plans, delighting in the future as much as the present, and looking forward to showing my Dad his first Grandson. He had been denied that pleasure, I was due to be born in the December but sadly my Grandfather to be died unexpectedly in the October.
Our son was duly born in November, healthy and strong, but my father too had died suddenly one day in August.
I was wrought by emotions I had no name for and the co-incidence to me had almost the makings of a curse..
Life though, did go on, a daughter was born too, we were all happy and healthy and life was fine, but I had a dread of being too happy, almost as if it attracted death....
After one very good day together I felt compelled to write, a letter to those left behind if such a fate befell me...

Its hard to love so Dearly, in a life so short as this,
for the deepest pain and emptiness, seem payment for perfect bliss....
But this to you I give my loves, a legacy of my all, so you will know I’m never really gone, and I will always hear your call,,,,

And You will know me in these ways:

These ruddy reds and golds of my skin, I will give to the sunrise for each day to begin,
The strength of my arm I will give to the trees, the breath of my laugh I will lend to each breeze,
The hue of my eyes I can give to the skies, so a grey sky in winter will be no surprise!

And you’ll see the smooth and the white of my teeth, laying serene on any winters snowed heath

And what of my warmth?...My freedom to run? These will be shone from a Midsummers sun......

Though the scale of my virtues registers small. with bright birds and strong flowers, they are yours and yours all.
But all I can give you are mirrors of me, for once I have been, I will no longer be.....

But the most magic rainbow, and the gentlest dove,
Will never, cannot ever, with the utmost endeavour................
Reflect even dully,
Part or piece of our love..........

"Weary agony.."
Those two words sum it all up for me.

So sorry for your grief Mawbroon
No medicine has ever been invented that can ease the pain of bereavement.
I feel that the second year can often be the worst. Shock wears off, milestones like birthdays and Christmas pass and are endured, and somehow we think the next year will be easier, but it’s more of the same weary agony.
You don’t get over bereavement, but you do get used to it. You may wake one day and feel more peaceful, or hear a song, or smell a scent which has brought painful reminders, but will suddenly bring a happy memory.
The changes are subtle and gradual, but they do happen. As my very wise Aunt once said: “Just keep on living until you feel alive again.”
It sounds as though you had great love with your late husband, and that love won’t ever die.
I hope very much that you will find some ease and comfort as the year moves on, and that your life will become joyful once more.

I feel for your sadness Mawbroon bereavement is a long lonely road. Many people concentrate so hard on getting through the milestones of the first year that they don't or can't think of the second. Bereavement research has found that actually most people find the second year harder than the first because you realise yiu haven't got to get through those special dates only once but every year so what you are feeling is difficult and raw but normal. Cruse Bereavement Care is something I would recommend I worked for them for many years perhaps think if it might help you, they will visit you for appointments at home and are a national charity so will be available wherever you live. Do be kind to yourself . Please pm me if I can help

Sorry you are feeling alone ....I am planning to buy a retirement flat just so I can have company when I want (ha ha ...have a friend living in one who avoids the 'communal lounge' like the plague as she says it is only for everyone to talk about everyone else !) but I hate being alone at night, so for me this would be the answer ......and there is always someone on hand for small maintenance jobs ...only snag is the astronomical charges ......might only have to live a few years whilst I could afford it ! after then ....who knows ! c'est la vie ! [grin'] good luck ! Thought also I could volunteer (whilst still able to !) at a hospital, hospice, WRVS meals on wheels, or some such ...cat rescue, animal shelter, food bank, etc etc ...your local library (IF YOU still have one !) usually has lists of things you can volunteer for ...even Silver Line phone ins.....

That posted before I had finished - just to say thoughts are with you too.

To MawBroon, anniebach, MissA, Nonnie and others who are coping with the reality of going through life without their loved ones, there is nothing I can say but send warm thoughts to you all

When we lost my brother it was hard but we were not living with the day to day reality of living without a partner as my SIL was. She said people were all so kind but the worst part was coming home alone, no-one to chat to about the day - and for her, trying to cope with those jobs which DB always did and which she found so frustrating - she said she became irrationally distressed about them and cross with DB for leaving her.

And for others coping with a 'living bereavement

Lucky girl it sounds like you and I have similar problems. I have never known the grief that others have experienced but I feel for you. If you are used to love and companionship the loss must break your heart. Bless you.

U can totally relate to all your stories as I am also alone and with family problems as well so I can't rely on them to ease my loneliness. What has been helpful to me has been forming a relationship with Jesus; it's not solved all my problems but it's given me hope

Such a sad thread. What I have learned from all these posts is that everyone has some form of sadness in life to cope with. For myself, I have found that trying hard to concentrate on all the positive things: family, friends, warm home, have helped me to be grateful for the 47 years we had together. It's not easy, but what in life is easy? Our local hospice has a bereavement meeting once a month where everyone is in the same position, and the counsellors will listen. I have also found that keeping busy is a good antidote to loneliness, and at times am quite grateful for peace and quiet!

Maw you are suffering from both the grief of losing your DH and the resulting loneliness. As you know I understand grief and that is bad enough and can take years and years to come to terms with it. But I haven’t experienced the loneliness. The not having that hand to hold, not being able to share little amusing incidents with or a shoulder to lean on. No one coming home or to come home too.

I can only imagine how hard it must be

Hugs to all of you experiencing this deep and painful bereavement. I've been long divorced and happily on my own, and my children are happy and healthy thank God, so have never had this experience. Working as a children's hospice nurse (for a period of time) gave me insight into that kind of grief and I think and pray for all of you, that you are able to have happy memories and some brightness in new life.

You do get used to living a different life, can be very happy, but if it's your sole mate really I still and always feel the loss of him. He was my best friend and that leaves a hole no one can fill. I don't talk of it to anyone, get on with things, holidays and time with friends, it was a big birthday in the family, a beloved granddaughter 18, had a wonderful time, with family I but came home and cried, I just missed him. Time helps and you have to work at it.

Hello there
Have you considered some sort of counselling... something like CRUISE are immensely experienced and I understand that they can be very helpful... especially when you are saying to yourself...is this all there is ... if you can do contact them

Frangess2000.
You are so fight about Cruse. I had one-to-one counselling with them about six months in. It was a real help. I am in my third year now and the grief is not so raw but, it will never stop hurting.
I have joined Wayup, a group with local branches where widows and widowers meet up. Locally a new group has just started and the first meet is next week,
I keep busy as secretary of a couple of organisations but, the evenings are the worst, I do meet up with friends for cinema and theatre visits too.
Nest week is my 75th birthday and what would have been our Silver anniversary and I am not looking forward to either but, I shall get through it.

Maw - I understand exactly how you feel. I was widowed just over twenty years ago when I was 42. Everywhere I looked there seemed to be couples and I found it so hard to come to terms with being without my lovely husband. Time does help - for me the arrival of my grandchildren made a difference as they have helped patch over the gap left by the loss of their Grandfather but I still miss him and still long for the days when we were together, it just isn't the same. I keep busy and have, in the last year, become a Trustee for a local charity which helps fill in time and has brought me a lot of nice contacts with others. My DD is now in her fourth year as a single parents after ex SIL walked out on them and she has pointed out that at least I have the comfort of knowing that her Dad would still be with me if he had had the choice - another way of looking at things.

Pastel. Losing two people so close together is very hard. Sending good wishes and hugs x

Maw sending you hugs xx

I still have Mr.GG13. My Mum died 20 months ago and I feel lost, devastated and so alone. I nursed her at my home for the last 4 months and at times I was exhausted and did get cross, but I never stopped loving her.

She was my best friend and all things we used to do together, lunches, shopping or just popping in and out of each other's home I physically ache with the loss. My sister and I have become closer in our grief, but we both say that we feel that there is no one who is 100% on our side.

MawB, Annie, Miss A - I have no advice to offer never having been in a similar situation but my heart goes out to you all. I imagine the first months/years after such tragic a loss you must still be in shock and now as you say reality has set in that the situation you find yourselves in is only going to continue. It's a situation we'll all probably find ourselves in in the future and reading how you are all managing to cope gives me hope that in the same situation I might find the strength to be as brave as you. Stay strong you owe it to yourselves.