Second year

Maw I think it was you who recently posted "To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is not to die." Just want to send it back to you as it made such an impression on me at the time.

Pastel big hug. So far it hasn't got easier for me but I do have days when I am able to get on with my life. However I also have days when I simply can't do anything. Just be kind to yourself and keep on keeping on. Nothing else you can do.

I've always admired your strength Mawbroon but appreciate your honesty. Don't be afraid to scream at the gods occasionally and just because in second year, don't feel you should be healing yet, you are getting there (but what is there?) so be proud of yourself but be kind to yourself as well x

Maw - as a bereavement counsellor I would urge you to seek professional help. Of course, grief and learning to cope with the feelings of being bereft, alone, and uncertain about the future, are perfectly natural processes but sometimes they can become complicated and watching others in similar situations may not help. Ask your GP for specialised Bereavement Counselling and if there's no outcome, try to fund this yourself. It will be your feelings, where these are coming from, and where they can go that you will be able to talk through, rather than considering what others do/have done to reach a better place. There's no problem in doing that other than the fact that you have no real understanding of what types of resource other people have and therefore, comparisons are not always sensible as they give you what you believe to benchmarks - so and so was out and about after six months, therefore, you should be doing the same. This kind of comparison will not help you, so seek professional assistance. I am sure you will come to feel better about your life and where it can go.

Hippy I have sent you a PM , but just want to say I never ever regret having my hip done ! I am back (last night ) playing bowls and can walk without aids

sarahellenwhitney - how very kind. I'm 75 and truly the consultant never offered one word of hope. I'm as active as I can be, not overweight, I do have high blood pressure and I do enjoy a cigarette to reward myself for tasks which are painful - vacuuming, hanging out washing etc. I was so happy to actually get as far as a consultation but now my positives have turned to fear...…….

Pastel I have sent you a private message which is what Mawbroon did to me some time back. I am fairly new to Gransnet but some posters give you a feeling they are there for you and MB is one of those. It is good to know that GNs are there for her although at the moment it probably is not enough but I'm sure it is a comfort to her in a small way.

Hi Everyone, I am in the same boat as all the other lonely ladies. I try to make a life for myself. I paint and try to get them sold one way or another to give me a reason to get out of bed. Christmas, New Year and birthday very grim. I seize on any chance of making new friends, doing any possible courses etc. There is no alternative to keep on going on unless one fancies sinking. Is there anyone out there who fancies a coffee morning? I am somewhat disabled and live in Stowmarket. It would be terrific to connect with other lonely folk.

I've found that it does get easier with time, the rawness wears off a bit. But yes, this is it for me also.
My widowed neighbour said that, 'one day it will hit you' and I guess that's what she meant. When that happened to me I just sat at my kitchen table and sobbed.
It really does get better, Maw though. With the passage of time you gain more experience of dealing with things alone. And I guess I've toughened up a bit and gained more confidence. Only on a bad day does the weight feel rather too heavy - and those days do pass.

I have found life gets easier, for me at least but I still miss DH very much. My sadness is he isn't here to see DGS1 growing up never knew DGS2.

I moved to be nearer DD & DGSs when I had been widowed almost 2 years. New area, new friends to be made & lots of exploring, this has made it easier for me as there are no shared memories in my home, I have our wedding photo on display & a few of his treasured items.

I have found life & grief change at least for me , dates trigger memories, I go places & think DH would have loved this. Christmas decorations go up every year he was a bah humbug but secretly loved Christmas , sad he's not here to enjoy DGSs. for all of you who are going through the pain of losing a loved one.

12 years since my husband passed away suddenly. I was 50 at the time and can relate to previous posts. There are so many friends who seem to have opinions on how we should be coping, but in truth we cope in the way we are able to, there are no time frames for greiving or accepting. No matter how we seem to be in social situations it is the returning to the solitude of home once the door has been closed that was one of the hardest to deal with for me.
It does get easier in time, one thing that helped a little especially in the dark nights was to put a timer on a lamp and leave a radio playing so there was light and sound when returning home. A small thing really but may be worth a try.
Wishing us all peace.

Hippie. I lost DH ten years ago and have had two hip replacements since then. Please feel free to have a chat if I can be of any help.

I felt so lonely after my husband of 54 years died after a long illness: Alzheimers, stroke, blindness, that I did a stupid thing which I can't understand now. I took to gambling and borrowed £15000 which I lost in just a few weeks. I am now gradually paying it back. I managed to have a few holidays as going away made me feel better. Now I am writing a romantic novel, a love triangle, with a strange setting, and weird things in it. My life is all about escapism. But in the evenings the loneliness floods back.
But things are gradually getting better.

I am reading these posts with tears streaming down my face. My DH died 6 weeks ago barely 3 months after the death of my Mother. I am going through all the emotions that the "books" say is normal for bereavement but it is the little things that hurt so badly. The buying of treats in the Supermarket, the glass of fizz on a Sunday lunchtime with the comment "Why not!", the laughing at the silly joke or the the early morning "cuppa" in bed. I feel so much for you all but selfishly reading the posts has been comforting to know I am not alone and there are brave people out there trying to get on with their lives which will never be the same again. My darling Mother told me many years ago that it does not get easier but eventually the sun shines and memories are bitter sweet.
Gransnet scares me sometimes because of the comments but this post has shown the support and sympathy that is out there. I wish you much love Maw broon your posts in the past have helped me and made me smile and I hope for all of us on this journey things will get better.

Mawbroon. I still, after ten years with out DH, and others I loved and lost, have my moments of 'a good cry' so don't believe you should have gotten over it by now. You are human, why bottle it up? have your cry.I do not know your religion but if I am having a 'low day' I know my local church has an' open' door which has helped get me through my darkest moments.

Like Nannylovesshopping, my husband left me after a long marriage (almost 28 years). He chose Christmas Day 2016 to tell me he didn't love me anymore, but was in love with someone else (he'd known her for about five minutes). I spent most of 2017 divorcing him. There were a lot of dark times - I have no children and we'd recently moved to a different region given that he wanted a 'fresh start' after at least one other affair, use of dating websites and generally appalling behaviour. However, thanks to the support of my siblings and their families, and my lovely friends, things are now a lot better and I take each day as it comes. As my widower friend has said to me, 'You learn to adapt over time.' Grief is different for everyone and no one can put a time on how long it lasts - for some, months, for others, years or always. Be kind to yourself. I threw myself into work for a good while, but am now less hard on myself. I have a little dog who takes up a lot of my time and is good company, and I'm so thankful that I no longer have to check up on my adulterous ex-husband but that I can now live my own life. I don't have as much materially these days, but what I do have (including my new home) is mine. I appreciate that my situation is different from yours, but life can still be good. I wish you all the best. There is also some very good support on this site.

I'm lonely for my daughter. Nothing will help with that, ever.

It is said grief takes 2 years on average to reach 'resolution' and an acceptance of the new status quo. I am sure things will improve Maw and others in the same position. I guess if you have had a very happy marriage the loss is greater although maybe the regrets are less. Women cope so much better than men generally when left on their own. Is that something you can be a little bit grateful for? I sincerely hope happier days lie ahead. Would it help to leave music playing so when you come home the house is not so silent? Just a thought.

Maw I don't understand, I still have DH. I don't understand the others who lost their child at the same time I lost mine. How can I understand someone else's grief, I don't understand my own? I think I might cope better if I knew why DS died but I never will. He wasn't ill, there was no reason, he just died.

I watch something not even related to the loss of DS and it makes me think of him and cry. I imagine that Maw must react the same when she sees couples on TV, in the street, at the shops. Music makes me cry too.

My loss is fairly recent, will it get easier over time? Will I always put his stocking out at Christmas? Will his friends stop contacting me and talking about him? Some days I just keep on keeping on. Sorry Maw I'm no help at all, just want to send you a virtual hug.

My husband was in the Merchant Navy, so away 2/3 of the time. I travelled with him intil we had kids, then was left at home. The invitations, come round for a meal when your husband is home etc. I had no partner for things and nobody to share with but then he was there full-time 1/3 of the time. After 27 years we divorced and the children had left home and so I was without a partner 100% of the time. I suppose I was sort of used to coping and was not grieving because of the death of a beloved partner. I found during the marriage and afterwards that volunteering to help others filled the time and I enjoyed the company of fellow volunteers. I did the radio slot at the local hospital over Christmas when those with partners wanted to be with them. I helped at Shelter one year when I'd have been alone. I wonder if some activity like this might help some of you who are lonely.

At the funeral director’s where I work, I hear my boss talking to the just bereaved family when they first ring up - so often as they apologise for crying on the phone he tells them not to worry, they need to cry, more importantly he tells them honestly that life will never be the same again. ( It is a small town and he knows virtually all his clients). Initially for those who lose a loved one there are the funeral arrangements to concentrate on, then for some reason the first year and/or Christmas becomes the goal, but the fact is life will never be the same, the bereaved will never be forgotten, even by those who go on to remarry, there will be sadness but in time most people learn to live with it.
The reality is that there are a lot of lonely people (Lennon-McCartney) but that does not make it easier. You can fill your life with social activities, have a pet, pamper and treat yourself occasionally, but the empty hole will be there.
The worst thing to do is live with anger. The loved one did not choose to die and leave us, (unlike in a divorce) and our sadness would sadden them if they are/were aware of it. We all know from a young age that life is not immortal, that death can come at any time, out of the blue or foreseen, in one form or another, by accident or disease, instant or lingering. The best we can do is live in the now, appreciate the loved ones who remain and be grateful for the time shared with the ones we lost. Easier said than done, but it also helps to look at others worse off than ourselves and, if possible, become actively involved in an organisation that helps them.

All cliches I know, but tried and tested.

10 years for me and still as raw. Now housebound and as lonely as hell. Went for consultation on hip replacement to get me out and about. All I heard from the consultant was negative - all the things that can ago wrong after surgery. Absolutely nothing positive at all. Is this usual? I only want to pick up a few threads of life - is that too much to ask?

I love the poem ‘Jenny Kissed Me’ , when reading it just change the name

www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/jenny-kissd-me

When my husband left me after 25years, I felt as if my world had come to an end, I had 3 almost grown up children and quite honestly wanted to shoot myself. I wished he had died rather than moved on from me. With enormous support from my mother in law and friends I pulled myself together, had some brilliant counselling and ongoing antidepressants, have lived a good life since. It’s all about acceptance of something you just cannot change, but it’s very hard to get to that place. For me I have love and support from my wonderful family, my two dgds are such a blessing, and I am fortunate not to have to worry about finances, well within reason that is, but I am so lonely when I close my door, I have my spaniel who is a great help, but I do try and live in the moment and not think about what is ahead of me in the future, I am very very lucky to have good health, being diagnosed with COPD last year threw me but the industrial size inhaler has made such a difference, I am so grateful for what I have now and not what I lost. The loss of a child however is grief beyond all understanding.

I can empathise with those feelings MawI lost my fiance 46 years ago in a tragic freak accident, (I was 18). 7 years later another relationship broke down leaving me pregnant with my daughter. Fast forward 18 years, still single, and my daughter leaves home to live with her future husband.
Fast forward 20 years to today, I'm still alone, still waiting for Mr Right to appear and pay the bills, do the repairs, take me away for romantic holidays and be my chauffer, oh and bring me breakfast in bed!
I don't walk the "Road of Loneliness" often, but when I do - life feels so barren and empty, friends and family fill a temporary gap, but there's still a person shaped hole missing, right in the centre that fills up with tears, regrets and 'what ifs' but never really goes away, even after 46 years.
Normally I keep busy, I have a lovely family, lots of friends and most times, I enjoy coming home. Just, occasionally - it's not enough!