Second year

Maw sorry no words to help, but to say you have expressed exactly how I am feeling, watching people and their busyness getting on with life, but, loving and being loved by two people is very difficult to live without. Let’s hope we all find the right path to help us.

Saggi
My H has now been in a care home for 6 weeks and the relief is enormous.
He suffered a stroke in April and I struggled to cope but physically it became too much.
I wish you well, I know exactly how you feel, no- one else can unless they have been there.

Oh annesixty.... your kind of grief is the same as mine....not a widow...no children lost ( thank goodness)... but this awful grief of living with a stranger and not the man I loved and married. Nobody , friends or family seem to understand...this ongoing ...(10 years now) of living with a stranger!! People say “don’t be daft , he’s the same and alive, be thankful”.... we’ll im not thankful!! When a loved one dies ...you have a funeral...you grieve... and grieve ...and eventually with time and good friends you find some sort of acceptance., and move on. With this stranger....I grieve ...and grieve....and grieve.... and weep, and I never ‘move on’!!

I want to say something, but I’m not widowed and I don’t really know what to say to you all. I did watch my sister after she lost her husband some eight years ago, I tried my best to support her and let her know I love her, and plan things to do with her so she had something to look forward to, but I watched as she slowly descended back into the mental illness she had suffered from before and now she suffers from again. Seemingly it was impossible to stop this.
Obviously she has a particular illness, but grief is just as painful whoever you are, and I feel so sorry reading through all your posts. I wish I could offer more than just ‘I’m sorry’ but I am, very sorry.

I'm not sure it ever 'gets better with time'. You just learn coping mechanisms. Sorry.
However I now feel (10 years on) that there should always remain a scar on your soul for those you have lost. You cannot forget them and nor should you try (not that you are). Loss changes you and the acceptance of this can bring some peace.

Life is suffering and joy - light and shadow. What matters, though, is what we do with that and to what extent we allow our experience to define us rather than refine us. Yes, the future can look like a mighty scary place, particularly getting older and on your own. I have found Headspace a really useful meditation app for helping manage feelings of being overwhelmed by grief/sadness/anxiety and angry, unhelpful, ruminations. There are many different modules on it covering all sorts of topics. Andy Puddicombe has a lovely voice and a wonderfully compassionate view on life.

I have nothing of comfort to say, as I am not in your situation MawBroon. I can only say I am very sorry for what you are going through and that I look forward to your posts and comments because you always sound interesting and sensible.

Don't be hard on yourself, Mawbroon, you are doing well. Grief changes over the years but it never goes away. If you can find some small things to be happy about/ grateful for in your day to day life it helps but you are allowed to have days when you sit and cry or rant about all these "happy couples" that seem to be everywhere.
My bereavements were 12 years ago. I still have my "melt-down" days, especially at this time of year.
Look after yourself

After 10 years of being a widow and "being strong" there is still that inner core of vulnerability which comes to the surface now and again. I have accepted this and just get on with life.

dragonfly I commend your courage, facing up to your fear;it shines through your posts.

I feel so sad reading all your stories. I'm not in that place, not yet, but am so aware of the fragility of our existence, especially now in our later years. These terrible losses, worries, illnesses, may be just around the next corner - and that next corner could be frighteningly closer than I think.

So my very best wishes and (((hugs))) to Maw, Annie, MissAdventure and all of you struggling with life after loss. And for Luckygirl and annsixty, who are suffering a different, but so terrible loss, the loss of the 'marriage of minds' you once enjoyed.
dragonfly you're in my prayers. I do so hope your next appointment goes well and you are able to regain some of your peace of mind
for all of you

8 years for me - the grief does subside, although I do still have bad days when I miss him so much. Like other posters I go out and see friends but even after enjoying myself I still find it hard to come home to an empty house. We all find different things hard, for me it is eating alone, we used to sit over dinner discussing our day and I really miss that.

Grief is the price we pay for love ,

Of course MissA forgive me for not rembering your daughter and your sad loss

dragonfly46 good luck with your next appt (mid-January?) - I do hope it will help put your mind at rest.

Heartfelt condolences and best wishes to all going through bereavement

The 1st Christmas after my husband of 37 years walked out, I just got on with it, hoping (stupidly) that he would return, yes, was very sad but I had hope. Then I just fell apart the 2nd Christmas, accepting my lot. However now a few years on I am getting on with life, still saddened at past events, but accepting of the situation. It takes time, but keep positive, and show a cheerful face to your friends, and you will get through it.

Please please don't struggle on alone without support. Talk to these guys

www.cruse.org.uk/

Another one here. Still in my dressing gown and with no sense of purpose for today. ‘Is this it?’ DH should be on the golf course, I should be food shopping. We should be looking forward to a busy weekend. But there isn’t any more ‘we’ except in memories. Need to find my brave face again. Take care everyone. Thinking of us all

I want to say something but cannot find the words. I cannot imagine how you all feel.

I know it is different and doesn't compare but since I got my diagnosis my life has changed and will never be the same again. My peace of mind has gone and I live with fear at the back of my mind every day.

I do hope you find a way to cope and be happy - meanwhile sending you [hugs] and

annsixty Luckgirl, you are grieving too, for what you once had,

Hugs x

Sorry about the typos - rushing!!

Mawbroom I am so sorry that you are feeling this way it must be horrible for you. My own experience is with three very close friends who were all widowed in the last few years. The first in her third year now (aged 71) is not in a wonderful place but she has always been rather sad and plays a lot of sad records all the time. I dont think this is terribly good for her but she says it helps her go back over her memories. The second friend (aged 68)went back to work and that seems to have got her back in the world as it were, she is going out seeing friends and trying to make new friends. She moved into a retirement complex so that she had company. The third friend (age 61) whose husnabd died a year ago hasn't really come out of the house much yet but has booked a trip to Austraklia with her daughter to see relatives there so I am really hoping this is going to give her the boost she needs.
Lastly my lovely daughter (aged 49) was widowed in December last year is throwing herself into doing up the house they had just moved into as she promised her husband she would get on with this.
I suppose the point of all this is saying how different it must be for everyone. All I can really say is this forum can be a good place for chats and sort of company but I think it can be very annoying, frustrating and at times very upsetting. Several of us I think have pm'd you with genuine offers and would be very glad to help. We had a meet up in MH last year and if you would find another meet up a good thing we can do that. I'm not sure what else to say except that I hope each day gets a little better as spring comes and the light evenings are here.

Luckygirl
We are not in the same situation as the other posters and I feel so much for them, but, we are in a grieving situation, grieving for the life we had and missing the person we loved, not the one we are living with now.
I am married to a stranger.
I remember more than one occasion when out shopping, not wanting to go home but to get miles away for a few days.

To all of you -

I understand the going out alone, finding a friend to go with, watching couples enjoying life together, even though I am not widowed. My OH is ill, as many of you know; but this has been how it has been for decades, because of his anxiety. I have got used to doing things alone. But I go home and he is there - ill and demanding, but there.

Such a hard road for you all and I am thinking of you.

Yes, Maw. My daughter died around the same time as Paw and Annie's daughter.