Grief feels like a form of madness

Wise word again Maw like an amputation, you are never “whole” again. I hadn't thought of it like that but it exactly describes how I feel, a part of me is missing.

Just heard that the father of a young friend died of cancer this week and I suggested to her that, knowing it is going to happen cannot prepare you for it or make it easier. I haven't been through that myself but it is what I think. She was able to fly from Australia to say goodbye, I would give my right arm to have been able to say goodbye to my son.

Pp inspirational and honest, thank you

I told him today that I wish I hated him as it would be so much easier but I dont

Beautifully written Maw, right from the heart. I am shit scared tbh and think I'm all brave and will be fine but I still want to run away and just want it to stop but it's still going

What lovely people you are on Gransnet. I've lurked but not posted much up to now.

I expect everyone else here has discovered that life is full of firsts, then lasts, then firsts again. It's like living life backwards now. Part of the new normal as grannyactivist says.

I am going to try and have a happy moment Luckygirl later, again watching the rugby. I'm not sure though as the last England international I watched was with my DH on 17 November - England v Japan - just two weeks before he died. He struggled downstairs to watch it even though we had put a TV in the bedroom for him, because he wanted to feel "normal". So this will be a poignant experience for me - another first after another last. I think wine will be called for

Thank you 52bright and everyone for your kindness.

My thoughts are with you all.

Heartfelt sympathy Purplepatch.

PP I truly believe that when my daughter lost her husband she was, as we have since come to describe it, no longer in her right mind, for at least the following year and a half. Her grief was often overwhelming and would strike without notice at odd times, she did and said things that she would never normally do or say, she had days when she could barely function and others when she was like a whirlwind. There is no 'normal' following a bereavement, so whatever you experience is all part of the process for you and eventually you will enter a new normal. Many on GN will testify to the help and support received on here, so please keep in touch. to you and to all who are entering into their own new normal.

You are doing so well pp - I know that underneath you are paddling like mad, but you have such sensible strategies in place to help you on this journey.

Your words I've found you cannot rehearse bereavement really struck home for me. It is over a year since I was told that OH is dying of his PD and I have gone over it all in my mind more times than I can say. I have been rehearsing like mad, but as you rightly say, I guess this is a futile exercise - it is especially on my mind when I have a "ratty" day - but I guess we must all forgive ourselves for being fallible.

Take care - I hope there will be happy moments for you today. .

When I knew my DH would not be long for this world I tried to imagine what it would be like without him. I've found you cannot rehearse bereavement. It is a thousand times worse than any imagining

Like you Purplepatch I had had the opportunity to envisage life alone , in fact over a period of 20 years and quite a few “dress rehearsals.
But as you say it is infinitely worse and I am still learning.
While my heart goes out to all of you in a similar situation, it is somehow comforting not to feel entirely isolated, because despite the love and care of family and friends, it is an isolating experience. You’re on your own in a unique situation in your family, possibly in your friendship circle and there is no hiding from that.

Once again thank you and to all posters.

I'm sorry if my thread has made anyone revisit sad times, but also glad that we can talk about loss to each other. The brave face is all very well but it rebounds on us in our private moments I feel, adding to the pain.

When I knew my DH would not be long for this world I tried to imagine what it would be like without him. I've found you cannot rehearse bereavement. It is a thousand times worse than any imagining.

I think perhaps we need to acknowledge this.

Maw I know what you mean about his books. It's all part of it still being "our" home and not "my" home isn't it?

Luckygirl I also loved your sun analogy. Thank you.

I too am writing my thoughts in a beautiful diary I bought. When two months were up at the end of January I stopped - there is only so long one can ooze self pity. So instead I am now writing letters to DH, going through our lives from our first meeting. I wrote my first letter yesterday and it's amazing how it dragged up (happy) memories that I thought I had long forgotten.

I've found grief physical - like a vice round your heart that squeezes it to the point of pain. But knowing I am not alone and there are many "squeezed hearts" out there is both sad and comforting - contradictory emotions I know.

Anyway, now I must put my boots on and go shopping in the real world....

Much love to fellow travellers.

Dear Purplepatch I am 14 months “down the line” and little has changed from this time last year except the constant realisation that “this is it”.
The world has gone on turning apparently and most people assume I am “coping” - what other option is there? I try to be cheerful and not to moan about what life alone is like. There are many out there worse off than I am, those facing the ongoing bereavement of dementia for instance.
An early dream I had after Paw died was that he hadn’t died at all, but instead of being happy my first thought was that we would have to go through it all again.
Now I can have dreams in which he features because they are at some indeterminate time in the past when the children were small and these are bearable.
But I wish I could hear his voice too, feel his presence but sadly I can’t. His books line our walls and they were very much a part of him so in that sense he is still “here” but, but, but....
Grief is a much more complex emotion than I had ever imagined. You don’t come through it, but you do learn to exist with it, although like an amputation, you are never “whole” again. Your mind may well be playing tricks on you as a primitive coping mechanism. A sort of reverse “phantom limb pain” perhaps. There are no easy answers, not even hard ones.
You have my sincerest sympathy

I lost my DH without warning a year ago, and went from being "us" to "me", I am still getting used to being on my own. I still have conversations with him, although yet to hear him reply, his dressing gown hangs on the bedroom door, and I say good night and good morning. After 46 years he was a very important part of my life and will always be. Because of his Forces service we had long separations, and we always wrote to each other every day, ( it was long before e-mails) and since he left I write, as I did then to him, but now in to a book, telling him of my day, how I feel and anything that is worrying me. These books are a life line and part of my grieving process, how long I will continue I do not know but it is my way of coping.

It is such a strange feeling Urmstongran, my sons in law are 20 years older than my husband, feel I have lost him twice , if I think of something he said or we did together I have to think of myself as I was 43 years ago.

My younger daughter loves watching the film ‘ The Ghost and Mrs Muir’ she said ‘i think what happens in the end of the film will be the same for you and daddy ‘, so sweet

Oh that is so poignant Anniebach

I find it so hard to relate to my husband now, he is still young I am not but I still love him

PP enjoy your rugby. This thread has brought many memories to me. I was widowed very young and not long after marriage. I can still remember taking a jumper to bed with me as it still smelt of my beloved. I now have a current (3rd) husband and am content, but decades later there are still locked memories and sadness from my youth. We have to try to live in the moment I suppose.

I shed tears at the post by Luckygirl describing the sun analogy. So true. I only wish someone shared that with me all those years ago. I suppose the healing is still going on for me ..............

Yes Lily, thank you - from my DDs who are rocks and my brother, not to mention friends. And our wonderful GP invited me to go to him for a chat when I am ready and I will do that. I am very lucky really.

And now I am going to make an effort to watch the rugby - DH never missed an international and neither did I. I will report the result to him!

Are you getting some good support?

Gosh. So many kind and wise replies so quickly. Thank you all so much and to all who are going through the same or similar situation as me.

I have already decided not to decide anything, so to speak, for at least a year.

I wish I could feel his presence. I suppose I am unlikely to as neither of us was religious and it seems (I say only seems) that occurs more with people with a believe in an afterlife. But perhaps I am mistaken.

Every morning when I get up I say good morning to his photograph and good night when I go to bed. I also call out that I am going out for a while and say "I'm back" when I'm back. And I have bought a memory box to store the cards, photos, and little treasures that I most identify with him.

I know that in time good memories will crowd out the difficult ones, but that is not happening for me right now as I nursed him at home, and although his final moments were reasonably peaceful the days leading up to them were really harrowing: but I have no doubts about the decisions I made on his treatment to ease his distress and glad I helped him die at home, which was what he wanted.

But it left some pictures in my head that haunt me and will do so for a long time I suspect. However, I can live with that - it was the last thing I could do for him and I have no regrets.

What a tough road this is - but please do not fear you are going mad.

The idea that the past never happened assails me too at times - sometimes I can barely remember bringing the children up - I know I did and have the pics to prove it, but it all flashed by so fast that it feels unreal.

You are in that transition between a new and an old reality - of course things feel strange and muddled.

I used to meet many people who had been bereaved in my work, and one of the things people were most upset by was "seeing" the lost loved one. I used to say that it is like when you gaze at the sun too much and when you turn away you can see it still - your brain is so programmed to one reality, that adapting to another is very hard.

You are not going mad, really.

Sending kind thoughts

I can’t add more to all the very wise posts above except to say you’re not going mad, I’m a couple of months further on in the grieving process and just beginning to emerge back into reality as it’s felt very unreal up till now.
Take care of yourself

No Purplepatch you are not going mad. You are grieving which takes many forms. Your whole being has been shattered by your loss and you are trying to make sense of. All the aspects seem to come at you from different angles and in no particular order. No wonder we get confused. Two months is no time for 52 years.
Take care.

Grief does the strangest things to our mind purplepatch , you are not mad. My husband died young and all these years on I still remember my irrational thoughts and actions. When our darling daughter died just over a year ago I feel anger at my husband for not being with me , this is illogic. At my husband’s funeral I had the most irational thought, ‘ why are you not with me to comfort me’, I never lock the door at night the years my daughter was incase she needed me in the night. I still cannot lock the door.

I admit to all this in the hope you can accept grief is causing your thoughts and not any form of going mad.

Thoughts will come but they will pass , there is no time set for grief .

I send you my love, understanding and sympathy for your pain x

So sorry for your loss Purplepatch