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(28 Posts)
lure1959 Thu 04-Apr-19 12:12:30

Ilost my wife before xmas and feel so alone I do have my son and stepdaughter to help but find it hard to ask When dawn passed it was her 60th b day 3days later then our grandaughter was born 3days later i find life now so hard with work the house she was my life now i am lost

Septimia Thu 04-Apr-19 12:25:16

I'm so sorry, it must be really hard for you. It's bound to take a while for you to adjust and you're entitled to feel lost and sad - don't feel guilty about that.
I've not yet experienced this, but I know others who have. They've found that a routine helps. You don't have to do lots of housework etc. Set yourself simple, easily doable tasks that fit into your routine; make sure you spend some time doing things with your family and other people when you can; give yourself the occasional treat; see if you can find a social/leisure group that suits your interests or do an evening class. You may find these things hard to do at first, but give it a go.
My FiL, when my MiL died, insisted on cooking all his own meals, making pies and cakes (some were, ummm.... interesting) and not buying things in. It certainly gave him an interest.
It will probably start to get easier, especially once you get past all the anniversaries the first time. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, metaphorically speaking, and one day you'll look back and realise that you've coped. Good luck.

Beckett Thu 04-Apr-19 12:48:41

So sorry for your loss. It is early days yet. Try not to isolate yourself from your family - but at the same time if you want to spend time alone and cry then do that too. All you can think about now is what you have lost but there will come a time when you will be able to look back and remember all the good times and smile. I found the hardest times were the "firsts", first birthday, first Christmas, first anniversary.

Give yourself permission and time to grieve, and think what your wife would want for you - I am sure she would want you to carry on and try to enjoy your life.

lure1959 Thu 04-Apr-19 12:54:09

Thx for your kind words

Razzy Thu 04-Apr-19 12:57:13

A big shock if she was young. Allow yourself time to adjust to your new life. You can only take it day by day for now. Maybe try and get some pleasure seeing your granddaughter?

gt66 Thu 04-Apr-19 13:40:17

So sorry for your loss lure1959. I know of 2 men who have recently lost their wives and they are devastated. As other's have said take one day at a time, but try to get out and meet other people if you can. You probably feel no one can replace your wife, but my father in law lost his wife at only 53, but met his 2nd wife through mutual friends and were happily married for 20 years until his death, so you never know who might be out there for you!

M0nica Thu 04-Apr-19 14:01:34

lure1959, My condolences for your sad and premature loss. Three months is a very short time, most people expect this first phase of mourning to last about a year.

Having had someone around in the house, for odd chats and company at night, you must feel very lonely. Try and make sure to get out each day and speak to someone, in a shop, on a bus, in a cafe or shop.

When you feel up to it, speak to your local Age UK. They organise activities from a drop in cafe to exercise and other activities that will help you build yourself a new life and expand the number of people you know.

If you are a practical man The Men's Sheds organisation may appeal.

But for the time being it is early days. Look after yourself, be kind to yourself, take each day one at a time until you are more used to it and when you are ready start to develop your new life. Do not let anyone rush you into something you are not ready for.

BlueBelle Thu 04-Apr-19 15:06:51

Really sorry to hear this Lure you are heartbroken and in the very early stages of grief it sounds as if it was unexpected I m glad you have some family near by and a new little grandchild It is so so raw and nothing will seem to help at the moment you will be on auto drive and in shock and sorrow
Never hold it in, cry, complain get angry let people know how sad you are
Come on here and let it out we ll all help if we can
I wish you some peace

cornergran Thu 04-Apr-19 16:10:02

My condolences lure, as others have said its early days so take a day at a time, be as you are in each moment because there isn’t one way to grieve. Please take care and talk to us if it helps.

SisterAct Thu 04-Apr-19 16:36:01

Sending you all good wishes. So many things have happened in a short time. Be kind to yourself and in time there will be a new normal with happy memories.

Teetime Thu 04-Apr-19 16:53:00

I am so sorry for your loss. Lots of good advice on here and you can drop in any time for a chat. Sending you good wishes.

Nonnie Thu 04-Apr-19 16:59:17

So sorry for your loss. I do hope you are sharing your pain with your family, please don't let them feel shut out, they are grieving too.

A friend lost her husband suddenly about 18 months ago and she is far from over it, she does things with the family and outwardly copes but I know she is putting on a show for everyone.

We all grieve differently and somehow we get through it. At such an early stage I think that, once you have done all the practical things, bank accounts, probate and so on and there is less to do, all you can do is keep on keeping on.

Please don't feel guilty about showing your emotions, people are very kind when they know you are grieving so accept any help offered.

I do have some understanding, my DS died in 2018. I feel I haven't given much comfort to the rest of the family because of my own grief.

Fennel Thu 04-Apr-19 17:19:01

Very sorry to hear of the loss of your much-loved wife. As others have said, it's still 'early days' . Many people on here have had a similar experience, so keep posting.

lure1959 Thu 04-Apr-19 19:08:57

I thank all you nice people and your kind words it is my first day with you all and the truth you have made me feel good along way to go once again thx

Willow500 Thu 04-Apr-19 19:15:11

Condolences on your loss - life will never be the same again and you must miss your wife dreadfully - a new baby so soon after will have created such conflicting emotions too.

My MIL had been ill for some time before she passed away so FIL had had time to 'get used to the idea' but when it happened it was still a shock and he did flounder for a good while. He had family around him but didn't always want to see them and at times resented kind meaning suggestions of what hobbies he could take up. Time helped as it will for you but it is still very early so as everyone has said take every day as it comes and do whatever you feel up to each day - there are no rules to grief. Talk on here if it helps - there are many on here who are going through bereavements who will understand.

lure1959 Thu 04-Apr-19 19:26:11

Srry for your loss willow my wife passed in her sleep a stroke it was Idont know how i would have been with her being ill for a long time must have been hard for you take care

Grannyben Thu 04-Apr-19 19:33:36

I just want to say welcome, you are amongst friends who will be here for you, with a kind word and helpful advice.
I am so sorry for you loss, I know many members have been in a similar position and they will be only too happy to offer support

BradfordLass72 Fri 05-Apr-19 08:17:04

And condolences from me too lure1959 . As everyone has said, it's only just happened and it will take a long time before you can manage that grief.

That's the price we pay for love....that we grieve.

But wouldn't we rather have been loved and love back rather than never loved at all?

One day you will be able to see a glimmer of hope.

Meanwhile, we're here and always willing to lend an ear and give support. Keep posting and sharing eh?

glammanana Fri 05-Apr-19 08:40:53

lure1959 sending you condolences at this sad time you must feel as though your world has been turned upside down but the hurting will get easier for you as you progress through the year and pass special dates that you both shared.
Grief is a horrible thing but one day you will be able to think of your lovely wife not just through grief but with fond loving memories.

GrandmaMoira Fri 05-Apr-19 09:05:55

I'm sorry for your loss.

tanith Fri 05-Apr-19 09:44:30

So sorry for your loss lure1959 all I can say is it does get a little easier with time. I’m 6mths ahead of you and am doing ok the good days now outweigh the bad.

EllanVannin Fri 05-Apr-19 10:10:52

A sudden loss must be so devastating, as are losses which occur through a prolonged illness but besides the usual grieving there are the many questions which add to the " natural " grieving process itself.

Time is the healer and provided you take each day as it comes and " act out " your feelings without suppressing them, whether it be crying, banging your fists down or generally not being yourself it will all help in the healing process.

I wish you well at this very sad time in your life. x

crazyH Fri 05-Apr-19 10:17:14

So sorry for your loss Lure - keep yourself busy x

vissos Fri 05-Apr-19 12:44:14

No advice, just wanted to say sorry to read your sad news. That must have been such a shock. Take care. X

purplepatch Fri 05-Apr-19 15:58:44

Hallo lure1959. I lost DH before Christmas too so I am about the same way along the grief path as you. In my case he had been ill for a long time and I nursed him until the end, so that is a little different.

I have read that three/four months after death is the time when many of us hit a new low. It certainly seems so for me. Maybe it is so for you too.

Grief sucks. There is no doubt about it. Please keep posting if it helps you. There are so many of us on here who do understand what you are going through. Take care flowers