phoenix. I am so very sorry. I can't imagine how painful this is for you. I know what being bereaved by suicide means but I did not lose a child. My husband did it and yet even as the Policeman was holding on to me - my legs gave way - I had this terrible thought "Thank God it wasn't one of the children!" How I wish I could comfort you, hold you, hug you, say something at least that would make you feel supported. I am just in tears as I sit here thinking of you and knowing, that even though I had a bad time, I did not go through what you have to carry all your life. Please be as kind and gentle to yourself as you possibly can be. You deserve so much love and cherishing.
On a level of information gathering which I did as a Psychologist, I know that people who decide to do this appear not to actually take on board that it is completely permanent. They will make arrangements for things in the future such as take their clothes to the dry cleaners or make a Dentist's appointment. They see this act as a perfect solution to their despair. They also think it is best for everyone and that everyone will be ok with it once they've got over the shock and the sadness of the death. They think people will agree with their reasoning, that this is the best solution to the problems they just can't handle right now. The dreadfully sad and painful part is that they may be despairing about something so unimportant in the grand scheme of things like exams or money which are really not as important as people think. Having decided that they have found a solution that is best for everyone, and really believing that people will get over it and understand and not mind, they then appear to feel calmer, happier and carry on making their arrangements to do the deed. This is why people have no idea they are going to do it. Their friends or family or work mates say "he seemed ok, there was nothing wrong with him, you wouldn't have known."
So please, when you think about him and his death, do not think how terribly unhappy he must have been feeling to do that. The research shows that at the time of actually going ahead with the deed, people are feeling a sense of uplift and relief and are not in immense distress. They have made the decision and that has become the solution in their mind to resolving their distress and is a resolution for any problems. Once they have decided it, they feel better. I know we cannot stop ourselves from thinking "if only I had known." or "if only I had done such and such..." but the 'if only' thoughts are there to torture us, so please try to stop thinking of them. I would also try not to think of the life he should have had. I know this is a big thing to ask - impossible maybe, but we can never know so you must not hurt yourself thinking this way.
There is one final thing which I need to say. If I did not tell you I would be being very selfish and cruel. It is this:
Years ago I had a near-death experience when I was clinically dead and I left my body and I believe I went to what I call Heaven. I can tell tell you more about this if you want to know, so just ask please. It happened to me when my first baby was born and I haemorrhaged. I was in my early twenties. It changed me completely. The experience made me completely sure that we do not die, and I saw enough to know beyond any doubt that what happened to me was true and that there really is life after this life, a better life, for our body is rather an encumbrance. I am not at all afraid of death. We leave our body. We are spirits inside a body. When our body dies we leave it and return to the place we loved but have forgotten while we are here. There are many spirits in that further dimension who know us and love us so much and when we leave our body one of them comes and takes us home. Your son is not alone. He is not dead. He is not idle. He is busy, with friends doing the things he did down here, using the skills and talents he had down here and carrying on with his life. You can talk to him, out loud or in your heart. I believe he will hear you. Do not mourn the life he left behind here. He has a full life and many wonderful friends where he is now. And it is not far away. Please, dry your tears my love, do not let him see you cry, be brave that you cannot hug him now for one day you will see him again and it will be as if no time passed between when you were last together.
I say all these things with deep sincerity and truth. With all my love, Elle xxx