Dad's death, many questions

I think, when someone we love dies, most of us look back and wish that some aspect of it could have been different.

My mother died in hospital and I wished afterwards that she could have been at home. My husband died at home and I wondered afterwards if he would have been better off in a hospice.

Questioning is a normal part of grieving.

Can I gently suggest that you might ask for donations in his name to go to your local hospice. It can be a comfort to think that you are helping someone else who is now in the same situation.

Thanks for your kind wishes. It means a lot. I didn't express myself well.

There was no place at the hospice which relies on donations. I wish his last weeks could have been a gentle easing away from life rather than the rather fraught situation we had. Thanks.

Sorry for your loss.

Not all hospital staff are trained in end of life care. It sounds as if they were doing their best to keep him comfortable.

My Mother died in a Hospice the staff were absolutely amazing the kindness, empathy and professionalism was faultless to both my darling mother and our family.

I suspect that nursing staff are more used to trying to get people better and to ignore the inevitable, though it's well meaning.
I would say be happy that he was in a hospice where there is more understanding that we must all meet our end at some point. He isn't suffering anymore but sorry for your loss.

I don't understand your comments about your father's death 'being all about money.'
It would seem to me that the medical staff gave the best possible care to your elderly father and didn't abandon treatment or hope, and leave him alone in a side ward.
I have been most impressed by the treatment given to an elderly friend of eighty, still mostly unconscious from a stroke seven weeks ago; his team are in regular attendance and are trying everything to restore him to health. What the treatment must cost I cannot imagine, and doubt if he woulf have received similar if he was for example, in America.

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I can't remember where I read it, but someone wrote 'look at the person, not the illness'. I am glad your Dad was comfortable and so well looked after in her final weeks.

I am so sorry for your loss xx

Lily, I am so sorry you have lost your Dad. We are never ready for the end when it comes no matter how ill they were or how prolonged the final stages.
In reply to your thoughts about why they did not just let him go, it is absolutely not about the money, if it were they would have sent him home to die and he would have died sooner. Rather it is about the medical professions' and their mission to preserve life at all costs and I don't just mean the financial costs

I am so sorry for your loss , we always wonder if things should have been different , but think what would have happened if your dear Father had been allowed to stop moving , he could have developed painful bedsores or clots .
It is more expensive to keep someone in a hospital bed

I don't think it's about money as it doesn't save money to be falsely cheerful. I think it's a modern cultural thing which can be inappropriate. When my Dad was very ill a young physio was trying to get him up. I asked her if she was aware that, as well as the stroke he was admitted for, he had lung cancer and other conditions and I did not think it was appropriate. She did stop the agressive treatment then.

So sorry to hear about your Dad Lily, you have my sympathy.
I think Nurses/Carers etc are not really given enough training in end of life care which is so important to the patient and their relatives. Everyone deals with this differently of course and sometimes it's difficult for staff to gauge the level of support needed. I'm sorry you felt the support was not there. I don't understand your last comment about money though.