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Widow grieving again after broken relationship

(17 Posts)
trueblue22 Sat 04-May-19 23:33:52

My husband died suddenly nearly 2 years ago.

After 10 months I started a relationship with a divorcee who was totally unlike my late DH. He is cartoonist & a journalist...DH was a retired lawyer and quite sensible..

I was smitten and extremely attracted to him this man. The intimate side was off the scale and it took my mind off my terrible grief. My DH and I hadn't had that close intimate relationship for some time before his sudden death...we even had separate bedrooms for some years, although we did cuddle sometimes.

This latest relationship blew hot & cold, mainly on his side, and probably due to the fact that he lived extremely modestly, whereas I'm quite comfortable. His lifestyle was living in the moment.

Anyway, we finally and mutually broke up recently and it's brought back the intense grief I felt in the months after widowhood. The loss has been triggered in me.

We were both in our late 60s, so it's not as though I have youth on my side. He made me feel free & young again, although his actions were very inconsistant

I'm a busy woman with many interests, yet I yearn for the physical closeness we had. Are my feelings due to delayed grief for DH or are they real feelings for this unsuitable man?

crazyH Sat 04-May-19 23:54:20

I think you went into this relationship too soon after your husband 's death. 10 months is hardly time to grieve. I know someone who is still grieving 5 years after her husband's sudden death, 'sudden' being the operative word.
To each his own ...........

BradfordLass72 Sun 05-May-19 00:47:21

trueblue Are my feelings due to delayed grief for DH or are they real feelings for this unsuitable man?

A bit of both. And you know, he wasn't 'unsuitable' he fulfilled a need in you at a time you most needed closeness.
Don't regret it, he was 'a friend for a season' and you clearly have some good memories.

The other thing is, no one has any right to tell you how long you should have grieved for your DH. They don't know your story.

In my case, my DH was very ill and my heart broke for him whilst he was alive and going through hell. When he died, it was a happy release.

Keep busy and rejoice that you were in a relationship which made you feel good. Who knows, it may well happen again smile

rosecarmel Sun 05-May-19 05:14:35

You came to a fork in the road and took it - You have true feelings for each man, one offered one thing, the other another - You're mourning the loss of both - I think ..

Anja Sun 05-May-19 06:56:46

Grief is so complicated. I think you are grieving for many things.

annep1 Sun 05-May-19 07:08:33

I can't put it any better than Bradfordlass.

Vintagegal13 Sun 05-May-19 10:14:34

I agree with Bradfordlass 72, and there is also a saying not to do anything drastic for the first year as you are not in the best place to do so.

I believe you needed comfort, and reached out for it, I am just sorry for you that you are going through these feelings again now, but it is early days x

Was this gentleman also bereaved? If not, he may not have understood the complexity of your feelings, and how fragile we are at times.

Wishing you peace and happier times in the future.

sodapop Sun 05-May-19 10:29:57

Yes Bradfordlass is right, take time out to grieve now and get yourself together. Life takes us in directions we did not expect but enjoy experiences while they last. Take care now Trueblue

glammanana Sun 05-May-19 10:49:53

So right Bradfordlass I feel the relationship with this gentleman has taken that initial pain of grieving and put it on the back burner for a while and has enabled you to cope.
Are you still friends with this gentleman it would be nice if you could still be social with him.
Sending you ((hugs)) and flowers x

whywhywhy Sun 05-May-19 11:37:43

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through so much. Meeting this new man has held back the grieving and unfortunately you do need to go through that and it depends on the individual - it takes time. Be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes. But dont beat yourself up about anything that you have done in the past - it happened, move on. Sending you love and hugs. x

EllanVannin Sun 05-May-19 12:08:20

Grieving can make you very vulnerable in lots of ways especially in older years when your inner-self wonders if you'll ever meet anyone in the future as a substitute for your loss. Anyone who appears to share the same or similar interests then you tend to " hang on " to and it can prove to be a big mistake causing upset and disappointment as has proven.
You have to take your time in a situation like this and ask yourself what you're really looking for in someone but never say never even if time isn't on your side.

Give it time as it's not something to jump into feet first and it hasn't been that long since the death of your husband so you're still in healing mode.

trueblue22 Sun 05-May-19 19:00:33

I don't think there's much hope with this man. He has a very avoidant attachment; been divorced twice, has 2 children in their late 30s and a 14 year old. He can just about make ends meet and is into tantra and woo woo dancing. Not the most suitable man, but he really brought out the joy in me.

He wanted to go.back to a platonic relationship, but I was actually offended & said it wouldn't work for me. Not yet anyway...too attracted and emotionally vulnerable.

It was a lovely experience, but although I miss him terribly, I'm calmer and more at peace with myseif.

My children wouldn't have approved and that's a big thing for me.

Eglantine21 Sun 05-May-19 19:22:37

It’s just like being a teenager really. Enjoy the relationship for what it is/was and what it brought you at the time and then move on.

I had a brief, heady relationship about 18 months after my husband died. He was totally unsuitable for a long term commitment but then I wasn’t looking for one. It didn’t end well but there again it didn’t matter.

I hope you’ll be able to look back on this as another of life’s experiences. And it’s only natural that it has triggered a feeling of loss for the real love of your life.

trueblue22 Sun 05-May-19 19:56:21

Eglantine It's good to hear I'm not the only slightly irresponsible but impulsive older widow around!

When my husband dropped dead suddenly in front of me, it made me feel.that I had to live for the moment....still do a bit. Life can be taken from us just like that-withiut warning- so we have to enjoy each moment and not regret or spend all our emotional energy on grieving.

My DH loved sitting in the garden watching robins & birds. Whenever a robin stands near me, or seems to look at me, I know it's him. One flew into my living room just after he died and sat on his seat. Even though I had the French door open, this bird wouldn't leave. smilesunshine

Tedber Wed 08-May-19 11:35:15

trueblue22 first of all am sorry for the loss of your husband.

I firmly believe that everybody enters our lives for reasons we have yet to understand. In this case, although this man might not have been able to sustain a relationship, he has shown you that you CAN and WILL feel for someone else again. He has shown you that you are still alive!

Being alone after losing a partner is a scary thought but being alone is preferable to being with the wrong person. I feel he would irritate you eventually (jmo tho). Fill your time with friends and interests and see where it leads?

Above all, don't regret it! I wish you well

blondenana Wed 08-May-19 11:48:31

trublue22 i could have written your post, same thing happened to me, and although not a widow, been divorced for a long time, it was lovely to know i could actually feel emotion and closeness again to someone,
I think you would still feel like you do even without the death of your dh
My relationship lasted about 2 years and ended quite abruptly too,
I try to think of the things i didnt like about him rather than what i did like, it helps, but sometimes i do catch myself thinking of the good things and feel sad that it ended, and long for that closeness again
I doubt i will find that again now, i am a bit older than you,and i think we are very vulnerale and sometimes it is taken advantage of
I am sorry you feel like this, but i do understand

Vikk Sat 08-Jun-19 19:13:35

My husband died 18months ago after living with Lewy body dementia. He was 68 and I was 59. We met when I was 19 and we had plenty of ups and downs that’s a real marriage I think. I agree it’s the chats and cuddles in the middle of the night when you need to talk and reassuring talks
I don’t know if I will ever find it again but a positive note I have joined the rock Choir and still work as a nurse. X