Gransnet forums


I just can't turn sad memories into happy memories.

(102 Posts)
bikergran Sun 05-May-19 08:19:03

I don't know if anyone else has this problem but!

You know when loved ones have died and you look/visit back at holidays/places you visited/days out/eating out etc etc. People say it brings back happy memories.

But for me it just makes me more sad and unhappy,because that person you shared those places with are not here any more.

I look at photos but they make me so sad.

(We are talking almost 5 yrs on now from late dh)

Yesterday I went on a coach trip to Llandudno I did start another thread up about solo coach trips)

Anyway off I went , it was blue sky(bitter cold though)!

A victorian festival was going on right through the tows so it was very busy which was great.

I sat on the prom, but all I could think about was dh wasn't here.I can't seem to get round the "making happy memories bit no matter how hard I try) to me they are just sad memories.

It didn't help when I rung my mum and she said "oh your making your memories and when "we" pass over you will have your memories of when we all go there. .

Does anyone else find this difficult, I hear so many people say "oh I have such lovely memories of such and such"
But I feel like I'm living on a different planet.

Culag Sun 05-May-19 10:53:29

I can relate to this too. I avoid thinking about my husband and the 34 happy years we had together. It sounds dreadful when I put it into words like this. I am trying to make the most of my new life, now with two delightful grandchildren, but sometimes I can't help thinking about all we planned to do in our retirement and feel sorry for myself. I have one photo of him up, but avoid looking at it. I think it's there for my son really.
I'm glad others feel this way too. I thought I was an awful person - feel a bit better now!

Singlegrannie Sun 05-May-19 11:02:01

I know exactly what you mean. It's the memory of happy times that makes me sad. Not sure whether that means it's better to avoid the memories where possible though, perhaps we just have to accept the sadness. Lost my DH 13 years ago, and it's still hatd.

Singlegrannie Sun 05-May-19 11:04:25

Culag, just read your post and for a moment thought it was mine ! Same time together, same number of grandchildren and definitely the same feelings.

Beechnut Sun 05-May-19 12:31:07

Me too Beckett. If I see something funny I say “You’d like that wouldn’t you love” and we often laugh about the daft things he said and did just like we did when he was alive.

Kupari45 Sun 05-May-19 15:44:53

Hello Bikergran.
Although I am fortunate that my O.H. is still with me I do understand what you are saying.
Its three years since my lovely daughter died from Breast Cancer.
I miss her every day, and no matter how hard I try to (get on with my life) my memories of her are still very sad, and I long to see her again.
I hope like you that someday the memories bring joy at what we once had. Hope your work went ok today.

matson Sun 05-May-19 16:27:11

Hi biker gran, I am sitting here listening to Johnnie Walkers sounds of the seventies as I do every week, and every week it makes me sad remembering what has been, and what has been lost... but I still listen!! I so empathise with you.

bikergran Sun 05-May-19 17:13:51

It seems that many of us feel the same pain, listening to others that are going/suffering through similar, does at least make you feel that your not odd! and it is a normal part of the grief.

I do try really hard but it's just not there, but!...I have taken the bull by the horns so to speak and hope that in the coming weeks I will make some progress.

take care all flowers

Eglantine21 Sun 05-May-19 17:52:44

It seems someposters do get comfort, albeit a sad sort of comfort, from their memories. A kind of feeling that people they love are still with them in some sense.

I don’t have photos or observe special days or revisit places because to me it is twisting the knife in the wound. It makes me feel bad and doesn’t do the person I loved any good.

If memories don’t comfort then best to keep them in the past, I find. I know it’s not the accepted thing but it’s how I manage.

I’m feeling a bit ruffled right at this moment actually because Im looking after a close relative who wants to talk over our past. Nice for her and a nightmare for me!

trueblue22 Sun 05-May-19 19:07:43

I'm agree with you eglantine. I try to go to new places and start my own memories.

Sometimes it's too painful to go somewhere and relive times when I was with DH. That chapter is closed and I'm trying hard to start a new chapter.

I read Eckhart Colke and living in the moment. Some gurus really help me not to dwell but to enjoy 'now. Not waste emotional energy worrying about the future, or regret the past. We only have this moment, so savour it.

trueblue22 Sun 05-May-19 19:08:30

Eckhart 'Tolle'

annep1 Sun 05-May-19 20:15:30

Learning to live in the moment is very helpful. Can find E Tolle on youtube.

notanan2 Sun 05-May-19 20:20:46

I don't think you have to. I think its okay to have sad thoughts and memories so long as they arent cripling.

The whole "positive-positive" trend is IMO unhealthy. Its healthy to have a range of memories and feelings IMO

Alexa Sun 05-May-19 20:24:10

Bikergran, you are doing and feeling right to be sad. Your sadness is to be respected and accepted.

The passing of a good relationship is regretted for the rest of your life. You are not denying your right and proper feelings and that is good.

issibon Mon 06-May-19 09:50:50

Yes I feel like you.. four years for me and not able to move on love and miss DH so much .. just have to make the most of what we have take care x

jaylucy Mon 06-May-19 09:55:14

Firstly, may I say that there is no time limit to grieving and we all deal with our losses in different ways.
One of my best friends in Australia died the Christmas Day before last, and even though I had not seen her since I returned to England, I was still devastated - we became friends after her son was killed in an accident . She became like a second mum to me and helped me through some difficult times when my own mum was a long way away.
I was astounded when I was told (not offered) to go to counselling only after a month by my workplace, but gradually I have managed to cope.
Maybe counselling is the way to go or if there is a local Cruse group you can go to.
Maybe forgetting that whole thing of "making memories" or at least pushing it to one side might help and just making the most of any outings, special events etc would help.

Yorkshiregirl Mon 06-May-19 09:58:32

I can quite understand how you feel. I cannot have photos out of my mum or sister who have past away, as I find them upsetting so they are packed away and only come out very rarely.
I also find it very upsetting to visit my brother in law, because I can just see my sister sat on the sofa.
For me I just avoid such things, because I can be upset for a long time afterwards.

annep1 Mon 06-May-19 10:16:25

I'm the same Yorkshiregirl about visiting brother in law. It's just too depressing. Glad it's not just me.

annep1 Mon 06-May-19 10:22:19

Of course its ok to have sad times, and no one wants to forget loved ones and never speak of them.. I spent some time thinking about mum and reading her poetry book yesterday and weeping, and sent copies of a poem to siblings. But its not ok if it takes over your life. You must be able to put the past out of your mind and concentrate on the present. Not permanently of course.

annep1 Mon 06-May-19 10:25:04

And often when we think about the past we burden ourselves with guilt about what we didn't do/say or could have done differently which definitely is not good.

wot Mon 06-May-19 10:28:17

I m the same when remembering my parents and all the departed pets. It seems that life is mostly sad.

Venus Mon 06-May-19 10:35:22

I lost my husband 18 month's ago after nearly 52 years of marriage. and it still feels like yesterday. I have his photos everywhere and do go back to places we visited together. I hate being the one on my own, eating out on my own. I have two sons and four grandchildren and see them regularly but it's not the same. I'm moving soon and I so wish we could have done this together.

I think of my husband every day and I have been told that you learn to accept the loss. It's hard but we still have a life to live and I'm quite sure that my husband would only want me to be happy. Unfortunately, life will never be the same for me and the grief is always present.

Tamayra Mon 06-May-19 10:48:39

My husband died suddenly 32 yrs ago
I still miss him everyday
And feel sad that he didn’t see our kids growing up or now their kiddies
So I still weep a little & put my best foot forward
I guess we learn to live with the loss but it never goes away ?

nipsmum Mon 06-May-19 10:57:08

We can chose to be happy or sad where memories are concerned. If you had a few nice memories of being happy in a place why can't you remember them as happy. If they were sad memories forget them . It's a choice.

Gingergirl Mon 06-May-19 11:07:17

Well, we are all different and I have never been one for looking back-it does nothing for me....and then , suddenly I will find myself saying the odd thing with someone in the family about a relative that’s passed-and it gives me pleasure. But that’s not the same as losing your partner which can be an even deeper and more painful grief. It’s a different chapter in your life now. I hope it will be a good one. For sure, it won’t be the same as the last one-and you may not want to keep revisiting that last chapter-it’s ok to move on a little.?

Conni7 Mon 06-May-19 11:13:42

I'm OK with photos, but it's 20 months now and I still can't go to any of the places I went to with my husband. I avoid anything that makes me sad. You have to move forward if you have children and grandchildren. I read somewhere tat grief is like a wound which develops a scar, and every so often the scar gets knocked off and the wound hurts again. Music: "our tune" that was, always does that to me.