I just can't turn sad memories into happy memories.

Thanks for that link GreenGran.I have often thought of the comparison between life after birth and life after death but have never seen it put so beautifully as in this parable.

My daughter died last month, funeral only on 1st of May. Today I was in a botanic garden enjoying the sunshine and all the plants bursting into flower. I don't k ow how many tines I have been told to think of all the good things/time she had but I can only think of those she will miss. I know how you feel.

I go through intermittent periods of feeling similar, like I should be happy but I'm not - I feel like something is missing, but I'm not missing my husband - What I feel is missing is me, like I'm incapable of being present in the moment or partaking in the event unfolding in front of me - There was the old me, now there's the new me who is older and still find myself trying to find myself!

I do believe it's, in part, a side effect of bereavement -

I can relate to this bikergran but in a slightly different way.

When I still lived in the UK, tragic news items, pouring daily into to my mind, nearly drove me into a breakdown.
I had to stop watching/listening to news and not read any newspapers.
I still don't understand why people choose such regular negativity and horror - so little of the news is joyful.

I devised a short mantra and a beautiful image and the moment I began mourning over a murder or tragedy, I used them...with force and for a long time.

I don't suppose any of this will seem relevant to what you're going through bikergran but it's my belief that sadness can take such a hold on our psyche that we have to work hard to find an antidote and break its hold.

Looking at photos is no antidote, it's just rubbing salt into the wound.

Whoever we lose, we know for sure they don't want us to be sad all the time, so in honour of them, we need to manage that grieving process in whatever way we can.

You need to find your own remedy and an antidote which suits you.
Because we're still here, the world is still a beautiful place and our loved ones deserve that we chase happiness for their sakes.

I don't think we ever stop missing someone we have loved who is no longer with us. I have talked about a dad-spaced or mum-spaced place in my heart and those – along with others – will always be part of me. Memories can be bitter-sweet. I have recently posted on Facebook about how proud my father was at my wedding and how he died exactly four months later, pointing out that my weekend birthday has just made me older than he was at his death. That was a terribly sad time but is massively outweighed by all the joyous times.

If you stand in one place and just look at everything that has gone, it is always going to be sad. If you stand in a different place and look at everything that was wonderful, happy and fun, then it will not be so painful.

4allweknow, How very sad, the loss of a child must be the worst thing that can happen to a mother. Worse than the loss of a husband, which is possibly to be expected.
Sending virtual hugs to you. You sound very brave.

I went to Llandudno bank holiday mondayOn coach, Felt just the same as biker gran, on the prom looking out to sea, silently crying. The community there put on a great show for everyone, but I was heartbroken, lost my soulmate september 2 last year my heart goes out to you all in the same position.

reading all these posts, makes me feel humble, to all others who have lost children especially as that is not the circle of life.

You are all very brave and I am glad I posted this thread at it makes you realise how many are still suffering after many many many years later.

But also how others give us strength and hope to carry on and try our best to make new memories and no matter how painful, to look back and think "oh that was a lovely day/holiday etc we had" and drift off back to that time.

I think also if you have had a child/partner/husband that has been ill for a long time, those are the thoughts that are for front in your mind of how ill they were. so make it so difficult to look before that time they became ill.

My dh was 20 yrs older than me we met when I was young, we both knew it was on the cards that he would "go" before me, he often used to joke and say "you will miss me when I've gone" when we were maybe teasing him for something,we used to laugh at this, but how those words sting now.

take care all keep chatting, keep sharing

bootie41 I also went on the coach on Saturday (ohh it was a bitter windy day)

I think if I am right the Victorian festival was still on.

Yes I sat for a little while looking out to sea, I managed to get in one of the shelters and sit to ponder.

Normally you would get chatting to some one but it was just so cold to sit, I was glad to get back to the warmth of the coach.

Not sure if I will go again on my own. I am taking my parents to Llandudno later in the year, (to make more memories my mum says) hmmmm....

take care

we both knew it was on the cards that he would "go" before me

Doesn't make it any easier though, does it?

Love is love and the penalty for loving is grief.

Or maybe the bonus of grief is that we loved?

I am very new to this, my husband died less than 3 weeks ago.
We had been married for over 60 years and he had Alzheimer's for the lasy 6/7 years.
He had moved into care 5 months ago when I could no longer cope.
I am living in a state of total disbelief, did any of you feel the same?
I can't function normally, I feel lost without a purpose in my life, will reality suddenly hit me?.
So sad for you all still grieving after years, I am fearful for my own future though that may not be a long one I know.

Do not fear the future Annsixty think of what you have come through and when you are ready, be proud of the perseverance you had and devotion you showed your late DH.
Those sad memories will never go away, and sometimes they sweep in out of nowhere and knock us for six. I have felt it is like walking along a seafront on a stormy day when every so often a huge wave breaks over you and knocks you off your feet.
Unlike others though, photographs do not make me sadder, for me they show Paw looking as I like to remember him, not in those awful last hours, although he did actually look very peaceful, but the man I loved. If I cry, it is not the photo that has caused it, but the reality. Grief is necessary.
I think we all have to find our own way to cope- I am careful not to say “through it” as there is no “other side” where miraculously everything is OK again.
I have posted this before but hope that it might be helpful to some

Annsixty wrote:

"I can't function normally, I feel lost without a purpose in my life, will reality suddenly hit me?."

I personally know this state when what has happened doesn't fit with normality and makes no sense. You have to look after yourself now , and that is reality and is your primary purpose.

Some people make sense of sorrow by telling themselves a religious story. Others make sense of sorrow by knowing that there is no natural justice and sometimes no explanations .
I do agree with BradfordLass that "the penalty for love is grief". Love is a risk because you have invested such a lot of love and care in one frail human being. I bet you would do the same again and so you should !

annsixty your reality was 60 years with your dh and one does not step from one reality into another in 3 weeks.

In fact, the numbness, the disbelief goes on (it did with me anyway) for a long time.

I was 51 when my husband died after more than two decades of an illness which totally took away the lovely man I married - and his reality.

Like you, I struggled to get help for him and myself, unlike you, I failed. Or rather the system failed me but still, to this day I wonder if I could have done more.

For all of us living with grief, there is no easy answer, in fact the answer is often a very difficult one. You just have to live with it and through it and hope the happy memories can one day outweigh the sad ones.

Bradfordlass I completely concur with your comments. Our loved one/s wouldn't want us grieving over them for too long. They would want us to live the rest of our life being contented and useful.

Seeing my DH suddenly drop dead and how short and precious life can be, I live life fully and for the moment. I try to take pleasure from small things and appreciate the people who are there for me.

I believe our loved ones are around us and willing us to find ourselves. It's probably more difficult to move forward if one has had a very co dependent relationship.

Everyone has to find their own way to live the next chapter in their lives. Constantly reminiscing doesn't help us to live in the moment and to move forward.

4allweknow, I'm thinking of you .

Trueblue I can agree with some of this, but in part only though

Everyone has to find their own way to live the next chapter in their lives. Constantly reminiscing doesn't help us to live in the moment and to move forward
You are right about each of us being different, but I do not see reminiscing as negative or backward looking. I see aspects of my DH who died 18 months ago in all of my children and DGCs and that brings me great joy, even if tinged with sadness that he is not here to share them. I also think it is important not to consign the departed to history, but to be able to talk about them in a cheerful way, yes, remembering, but in a good way.
Our lives are made up of past, present and future and it is possible to keep these in balance.
I note that you have had a more recent disappointment in addition to losing your DH, and I send you my sympathies, but for me, pictures, memories, videos and anecdotes keep DH’s memory alive and keep him with us.

mawbroonsback Coincidentally my late husband was a keen supporter of Spurs. Last night they had an historic win and it made me feel very sad & nostalgic that he wasn't here to see his excitement.

My son rang me late to share the happy news & I told him dad would be celebrating with a large glass of in heaven. Today I'm tearful...

It is coming up to My DHs first anniversary and I feel it is important to speak about him to our family , especially to the grandchildren
My younger Brother died in a car accident aged 29 , my Mum couldn't speak about him , and we never talked about him because it upset her. My Children didn't even know I had had a brother till they heard relations talk about him at the funeral , so sad that they never knew him or even about him

They did indeed trueblue!
That’s why I think it is important to remember, albeit if the memories are bittersweet and not to try to move on so completely that you wipe DH from your life. You can’t pretend he didn't(nor would you want to) -you had children together, built up a home together, enjoyed hobbies and interests. That “history” is too important to file away think of that (I think Jewish) saying
“Do not weep that he is gone, but rejoice that he has been”

Different for me. My husband died 43 years ago, we had been married 8 years, so I don’t have memories of us growing older together, photographs of our children and me on holidays , their weddings, grandchildrens baptisms , family weddings, he isn’t there . A photograph of my parents golden wedding , my parents, three sisters and their husbands, brother and his wife, and me, all the
Grandchildren. My husband is an empty space. How I wish I had memories not that empty space.

I always thought taking umpteen pictures and making memories was a tad weird. However, now I am losing my own memory due to Alzheimers, I wish I had been less dismissive. I can barely recall the face of my first OH and have no wish to remember the second. I have photos of the current one and I love looking at them. There are also so many places around the world I have been to that I now have trouble remembering but few pictures apart from the last two decades. Hope that all makes sense?

Make those albums, Izabella or scan them on to your computer for picture books.
I made one for my sister in Canada when she told me she had been diagnosed with Alzheimers (it turned out she hadn’t, just the effects of a TIA) and I used old old pics from my mothers photo albums of my sister as a child, the two of us, our grandparents etc , DH scanned them on to the computer and the end result was, although I say so myself, impressive!

I would echo what maw says about photo books. My mum loved them and we recommend them on the Alzheimer's carers courses.

My way of coping with losses in my life is to tell myself (even if I don't really believe it) that we will be together again one day. That is such a comforting idea that I don't examine it too closely, and it helps me enormously to carry on in the meantime.