How are you finding widowhood?

Dear DotMH1901. In terms of times and ages you and I are similar. It was just 27 years ago that I lost my husband and I had just had my 42nd birthday. I simply had to carry on because I had two children at school and one at University - just started.

Then I met another sweet man 7 years after. We did not get around to moving in together but saw a lot of each other and went out to lovely places. He would do such kind things on my birthday for example. He had cancer and committed suicide eight years ago next week. I found him. My life since has been very hard. There were other terrible unrelated things like the man who attacked me in my home. I would never have imagined I would have had so many hard things happen to me when I was over 60. I am being treated for PTSD.

I have absolutely no wish or inclination to be with anyone else. I can manage somehow on my own although sometimes there are days when my pain is so bad I can't keep on top of things and have to put up with things way below the standards I would prefer.

aggie you say "but some days I see nor speak to no one" until your DD1 returns. I too see nobody for days on end. This week I have only spoken to the young man in the Coop when I bought my milk etc. I think I have got used to it. My children live a long way away.
Sometimes, because I can't get out, I think I am just waiting to die. But I have taken on 5 very small rescued dogs, and they need me. The garden is big enough for their exercise and they play together. They are so easy to look after! Easier than one big dog I once had! They give me a reason to live. I am just very scared of the day when they reach the end of their lives. They are not young.

I do understand about how everything is arranged for couples, even shopping - "buy one get one half price" when I would not eat it in time! Paying extra to go on holiday and then being used as the "peg" to sit opposite the aisle in the back seat of the coach to hold together the people on either side. I hate that! You have nothing to hold onto and are forced to lean on strangers as the coach turns corners. But worst of all was when on the lovely scenic train rides, I being the "odd" one had to sit next to the Guide and as she said, she had to have the worst positions so I did not see the views!
After that I avoided organised holidays, much as I would like to see some of the places they go to. I travelled under my own steam and booked directly with the hotels. I had so much better service! Also in restaurants, I found that Waiters looked after me so well and kindly when they realised I was alone. I can't get out much now.

To those of you in the early days of bereavement I send my deepest sympathy, and pray that peace will come for you. To all who are alone and sad, I send my warmest love. We have each other even if it is on this page.

Do sorry Saggi for the typing errors. Did not mean to say girl, I do not know where that came from.

Saggi, you must not be so happy to say what you do, do I feel a bit sorry girl your situation. I am glad I had love and a good marriage and although it's hard now, that time we had together was great,

I still miss my husband and best friend, I have made the most of opportunities to travel, go places and meet new people. Howevever I do find now I am 70, I rarely see my children and grandchildren, I do feel lonely and when I was recently taken into hospital as an emergency and was asked who they could contact, I said no one unless I die. The young lady looked shocked, but I said it without thinking, I have spent so much time coping and being alone that I am used to it. I know other widows who are very much a big part of their families and it must be good to have that back up. To have a good close friend as I did most of my life, she was such a help we went out together and spoke each day, but she died in her sleep four years ago.

It's been moving to read all these messages and see everything I feel echoed by others. My husband died in Oct 2016 two years after his cancer diagnosis, and almost 50 years after we met. I am now 71.

I have coped pretty well, or so everyone tells me. I've kept going out and socialising, I've been on several singles holidays, I've takeen up the ukulele and joined a club. On the whole I am happy for much of the time, although the pain is always there. It's a bit like having lost a limb or something - you learn to live in a worthwhile but different way.

And yes, I am often lonely. I am used to my own company, but miss having someone around, someone to make me a cup of coffee, to tell me whether I should get the car repaired, to share my interest in the family and their doings, and just to hug me and hold me. I can't imagine marrying again, but I do like male company and would like to have someone to share days out, holidays, walks, pub lunches, etc. However, I think it unlikely that I will meet anyone special, and I am resigned to being alone and sometimes lonely. I am lucky enough to have a loving, supportive family (not close by, alas), a lovely house and garden, and enough money to do most of the the things I want to do.

One thing for widows to think about: be cautious about getting too close to others who are recently bereaved. I know this sounds harsh, but the sympathy you feel can cause flashbacks and throw you right back to the early days of your grief, ripping off that layer of protective skin you've grown around your heart. If this happens, you're no use your friends or to anyone else and may just end up needing extra support. Sometimes you need to protect yourself.

Saggi I find your post most disrespectful. I am not a widow either, I have much loved husband and I hope to have him for many years yet. However I have widowed friends who would be equally disgusted. If your marriage is unhappy then you have the power to do something about it. These ladies cannot bring their husbands back. Now if you don't have anything pleasant to say - I suggest you refrain from commenting.

To all of you who are widowed, please accept my sympathies and a very large hug. My husband's sister lost her lovely husband in April and another sister called last night to say that her husband's sister lost her battle with the big C last week.

I lost my husband last year in March 2019. Although he had complex health issues it wasn't expected. He was never right after contracting sepsis in Oct 2018. Post sepsis that took him. He never fully recovered.

I am blessed to have so many around me. I am not lonely for company. I have plenty and a full life. I'm lonely for my husband though.

He was and is my 2nd husband and the dad he didnt have to be to mine by the ex who my adult youngsters have no contact with by their choice.

There are no words to sum up the emptiness and the longing.

I live a spiritual life. I dont see myself as widowed though in earthly terms I am, I know. My husband is always with me, just in a different way now.

I met him in 2002 and we lived together very quickly. We were together 16 years and married 10 years last year when he passed. He was 60.

He was and is my husband, best friend and soul mate. No one can or will replace him. I wear his wedding ring underneath mine on the 3rd finger, left hand.

I have his fingerprint embedded on a silver heart chain and a tattoo in his memory.

I'm grateful for all we had and have. Death ended my husband life. It did not end our relationship. I have forged a new relationship with him. One forged out of grief and love. It doesnt get better. It gets different.

Fortunately those around me are happy to talk about my husband in the now too. Meaning for example, they still feel my husband love and presecence in the home so they say hi David when they come in.

I dont think you get over it. I.sm moving forward with my husband in spirit. His love hasn't gone just cos he isn't here

I said to someone a while ago who was making noises about moving on, I said this: "You've lost your Mom haven't you so your motherless! So your going to go find a new mom then" They were horrified. I just smiled and I said "and the difference is?" And walked off.

I am happy to dance this earth to my tune until it's my time then we will be reunited for eternity

It's so interesting reading all your messages on how you're coping.

The man I had a relationshiip with was too flakey and inconsistant. It was lovely for a while, but it was an interlude in my new life and I was trying to get someone to fill the void. There are some very flakey men out there (some not much older than my son of 31) who are happy to prey on vulnerable widows...so beware!

I realise I don't need a man to make my life complete, as I'm too busy finding myself again. I like the company of men, but I was married to a very handsome, articulate, modest and highly intelligent man...so a hard act to follow.

I'm really pleased for those of you who have found new companionship and for those who are also in the process of finding the real you. It's strange how being in a long marriage can inhibit our real essence.

I think the important thing is to keep positive, move forward, nurture and love yourself first & foremost. Who knows what the Universe will bring our way!

My condolences to all who have been widowed. My husband of 41 years died of mouth cancer in 2011 while we were living in France. I have sold the property in France and moved back to be near to my family but that took four years. Years I wouldn’t want to go through again. The loneliness was unbearable at times. I joined Wayup too and it was a lifesaver. Always somebody to respond on line and tell you that your feelings are normal.
I have been back in the UK for four years now and have been lucky enough to meet a wonderful man. Please don’t criticise those of us that have chosen to love again. I’ve been told that I obviously didn’t love my husband as I am now disrespecting him by finding new love. Fortunately my adult children have been very supportive. We are all different, what’s right for one is not right for others.

Reading these posts have made me feel that I must appreciate what I have more. I will tell my DH how much I love him tonight.

My husband died unexpectedly of a a heart attack in 2016, mowing the lawn at the front of our house, so it was a very public death. Whilst waiting for the ambulance and subsequent undertaker, a lot of people we knew had passed and my phone was red hot with texts. I couldn't tell my daughter as she was sitting her final exam that day at Uni, I was so frightened someone would post on social media I rang my son, and we agreed, as there was nothing she could have done, that we would not tell her until the next day. Such an awful day.

He had had a scare in Portugal in 2012 with his heart and was diagnosed with arrhythmia and COPD. The drugs seemed to be controlling the heart condition, and we expected him to spend his last years with assisted breathing in a hospice. We never thought he would have a heart attack, it was a complete shock to the kids and I.

The worst part of widowhood for me is having no-one to do nothing with, and several widows on the WAY UP website I belong to also echo this.

I've learnt to eat alone, make all the decisions alone, travel alone - but still can't accept how 'alone' I am. I had my children in my late 30's/early 40's do they are only 23 and 25 and not settled in their lives yet. My daughter is just returning from her gap year travels, my son has just started working again as a taxi driver. Both have partners.

Thinking of the 'grief box' my grief is still as huge, I haven't managed to 'enlarge' my world at all. The one new friend I made has dropped me due to a silly remark I made.

I hope when I sell my house I can move forward.

Hugs to all experiencing this life change, it's only when it happens to you can you empathise with others.

As for a new partner - the kids driving instructor from the past asked me out for a coffee. Unbelievably, he phoned at 11.30 pm at night to ask me. Definitely not ready for any new 'friendships' with a man - or not one like him, at least!

I was widowed in early 2016. My husband had been severely disabled for several years and had also developed vascular dementia; the end, when it came was sad but not a shock and frankly rather a relief, particularly after the final two months of horror when his brain went completely after a series of strokes.

My finances were pretty dire - we'd been living abroad and basically burning through capital after some investments collapsed in the wake of 2008 - so I returned to the UK and luckily found a decent job. I have a small house which I share with my unemployed son. I've been dating since late 2017 and last year met a lovely chap who will probably be moving in with me later this year.

My marriage was, like many, mixed - some good bits, some bad - but I still think I'm happier with a man around. The new bloke is very different from my husband but seems to suit me at this point in my life.

To all of us who are missing partners

DH died in a September 2017 a year after being diagnosed with Stage 4 bowel cancer. He was 64, me 62 and we had both retired 2-3 years before.
I see more of my friends than I did, have taken short holidays and become involved in a new charity supporting parents of special children. Like others, to the outsider I am doing fine. Sometimes I am.
Last weekend I was part of a conversation with 2 other people who were talking about their good news of cancer remission. I walked away in tears. How could I not be pleased for them? Direct hit by the ball in the box.
On Wednesday I joined a new walking group and chatted to a chap who I discovered had worked with DH. He told me stories of their work. Then he asked me to pass on his regards. I had to explain DH had died. This time I was not upset ( though he was). So the ball missed the button.
I echo the coming home alone, being the odd number person and having no one to do nothing with. But I also chose new room colours on my own for the first time ever and have mastered the lawnmower almost!
As a friend in a similar situation said to me recently, Do you think they are sitting on a cloud having a nice glass of red and saying how proud they are of us?
And now I am in tears!

I have been a widow for coming up to 2years. My husband died of Pancreatic Cancer 10 months after his diagnosis that he wouldn't like very a year. In someways I feel lucky that we had that time together to say our goodbyes rather than he disappeared one morning and never came back. I also think I started grieving fir him and our lost future before he died. I joined a group called WAY UP and found the online support and meet ups very helpful. I am now in a relationship with a widower who I knew for a year before we started seeing each other. It I'd all very strange but exciting. I was married at 20 for 43 years. There's never been a moment when I've compared him to my husband. And he feels the same. What we have is new - it's hard to explain and we talk about our partners a lot and both of us have sad days when memories coming flooding back. That won't change but I have found as more grandchildren are born we have a capacity to love a lot of people in different ways. I feel I owe it to my husband to make the best of my life, live for both of us and if that means taking a risk and embracing opportunities then so be it.

Not a widow yet.... but why oh why when you do become a widow would you embark on s a life so ‘samish’ , and start looking all over again. If my husband pre-deceased me I will definitely NOT want another man telling me what i can do...what I should wear...where I should go... what I should do ( for him usually)... when I should do it.... who my friends should be...where’s my dinner...where my clean shirts...this is where we’re going on holiday... !!! You must be joking! Freedom is the one word that’s crosses my mind ...pure freedom.

I lost my husband very suddenly in 2015, doing a sport he loved, air ambulance, police at my door. Was married for 45 years and he was my one and only, my only partner, ever, and so it will be until I die. I got busy almost straight away, had 2 more awful family bereavements in the following 18 months. I coped by being busy and so did my brother and my brother in law.

I downsized lots of stuff, knowing at the back of my mind that I would eventually move. That was a difficult but necessary decision, I was not going to be a limpet to my 3 AC. I found my new home and moved in a month ago, still busy until this week. The whole busy thing has been cathartic and I am now joining local groups and have booked to go to entertainment evenings, all in walking distance. It is about not being able to change the past, being lucky to have had the past but now looking forward to the future, on my own in my new bright light, maintenance free home. The fluffy feather I saw on my last day in my old home, said it all to me, my husband as always has guided me to my comfy future

For those unfamiliar with it

www.indy100.com/article/grief-viral-thread-lauren-herschel-ball-in-box-analogy-death-8792541

Absolutely shortlegs - perfect!
Of course understanding isn’t the same as coping, but it is a step on the way in place of feeling life will never ever be bearable again
Thank you

Its been 10 years now and Ive had no contact with any of my late husbands family or family friends. Like others have said the visits / contact dwindled to none existant in a very short time after his death. Even my two daughters and grandchildren distanced themselves, I have no contact with any of them. Oh Ive tried so many times over the years and get rebuffed every time so now I dont bother as theres only so much rejection one can take.
I find it difficult to make friends as Ive been let down so many times in the past both by family and "fair weather" friends.
I have many interests and dont mind my own company, the downside for me is that Im housebound due to illness so I dont see the outside world, my life line is my ipad!

Wow the post are amazing. I lost my hubby of 53yrs 2yrs ago after a 10yrs battle with the big C however my daughter has been my rock and my best friend who lost her hubby 4 yrs ago. My daughter is divorced so we decided to sell up and get another house together outside the area but not to far. She is currently organising the house renovation. Me I did what people said joined a dating site as well purely for company but only a monthandful some of the men were younger than my son so big no no. But like most of you life goes on and we have to look forward not back. And I wish you all good health and the future is good to you

I am 15 months in, and it's the having no-one there that gets to me. No-one to wake up next to, no-one to pour me a drink, no-one to cook for etc. I could go on..... I had a feeling that DH wouldn't see last year out, but it came much sooner than I ever expected. I'm with tanith and Maw. Shouldering all the responsibility for decision making is hard, but I am learning. I try and make myself do something every day, even if it's just going for a walk. I go to yoga, health walks, book club, and now ballet and have made new friends, including a lady who lost her husband about the same time as me, and my oldest friend is also widowed, and we have regular lunches out. But there is still an empty house at the end of the day. I have been on holiday on my own for the first time and am about to go on a cruise. It's hard when there's no-one to share things with but I put my best face on and say I'm fine. I just miss him so much.

Google "grief ball in a box" gives a very apposite (IMO) view of grief and grieving.

My DH was diagnosed with bowel cancer in Dec 2016. Apart from a 12 week spell in hospital initially, he was at home and I was his carer in effect. Then in Dec 2017, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and began my own hospital visits! Between the two of us over the last 2 years we had about 300 hospital appointments! The at the beginning of March he went for a routine check up. They decided to keep him in for palliative care, so I knew he didn't have long. But I received a call at 2am the following day advising me that he didn't have long and that I'd better come in to see him. He'd gone before I got there, even though it only took me 20 mins.
Then 4 days later I started my radiotherapy, so for weeks I felt numb. I was unable to concentrate, unable to make a decision, unable to cope with life going on while my DH of 45 years had left me.
But I got through it, with copious meltdowns I have to say. DD had been distant over the previous year. She doesn't drive (although a test booked for August), so we rarely spoke or saw each other. Things are better now - we at least talk on the phone or text each other. We decided that because of my treatment we would opt for an unattended cremation - I just felt that I couldn't cope with a funeral on top of everything I was going through. Friends were wonderful, Macmillan offered support when needed (still attending counselling).
So now three and a half months on - how do I feel? Still washed out from my treatment; still missing my DH; but I'm beginning to realise that I have to move on. His financial affairs are now all sorted and I know that I will be alright in that way. But it's the days when I want to tell him something and realise he's not there - they are hard.
Will I look around for a further relationship - probably no - next week we would have been together for 46 years and it would be difficult to replace the man who meant so much to me. But if friendship came along - who knows?
I have tears rolling down my cheeks as I write this - I have hobbies, friends, and enough money to keep me going, but no-one to share more of life with. Luckily we had both retired early so had the chance to do many of the things we'd wanted to do, so I DO have those memories to look back on.
Next month I'm going to see some friends who moved to Denmark - hopefully it will be the start of my recovery. It is a country we did not travel too, so although it will be hard, I'm quite looking forward to it.
Sorry about the long post folks

Well, after my husband having lung cancer for four years (no treatment/hardly any symptoms) he died 5 years ago. I was 70, am now 75. We knew he would die so I was prepared. Since then I have felt that I am rediscovering myself, sometimes I feel like the twenty year old I once was (though I dont look in the mirror then). I have taken up singing in a choir, painting and doing lots of exercise but best of all I have made lots of new friends and rediscovered old ones. There are so many divorced/widowed women out there of all ages and getting to make new friends at this stage in my life has been a joy. It also takes the pressure off my children and grandchildren.....they are all busy people and I dont want them to feel responsible for my welfare (until I become incapable of course). I am loving being single again 50 years of a good marriage was lovely but so is my new life.

My husband died of pneumonia 5 months ago. Because I did everything with my husband I don’t have the sort of friends for coffee mornings etc and family aren’t near so I am very alone.