How are you finding widowhood?

Thanks a few things to think about....it's so hard.

Saggi, I have to say your post moved me to tears. Sometimes 'freedom' is another word for loneliness or nothing left to lose. I am sorry you do not appear to have experienced the depth of unconditional love some of us widows have done, and wish you well in your future.

Sorry meant to say no second man for me either.

It’s two and half years since my husband of 50years passed away and twelve months since the unexpected death of my lovely second daughter. The pain is still raw, however as as been said I hide it and carry on. I don’t think you truly get over it but learn to live with it a little better (if that makes sense) Wishing you all peaceful times ahead.

Reading some of these posts, I realise how lucky I've been.
I was widowed in 1998.

Shouldering all the responsibility for decision making is hard
Yes, it is but because my husband was diagnosed so early in our married life, I had to do that from about 1976 onwards anyway.

I was the main bread-winner as my husband could work only intermittently and when you have two small boys and a sick partner, there's a limit to what you can earn, so it was a struggle on all fronts, especially as 'the authorities' were no help whatsoever.

When he died, I was glad it was all over (apart from the questions in parliament) and to tell the truth, he had, long before, ceased to be the lovely man I married.

All my grief that a good person had been dealt such a rotten hand, happened whilst he was still alive.

I mourned but it was very much tempered by relief for him. For that I am grateful.

Afterwards, I dedicated myself to my boys until they were old enough to be totally independent. There will never be another, permanent man in my life.

Citygranny, I would say it's too soon to be making any big lifestyle changes yet. You're still coming to terms with the shock of your loss, and may not be ready to make a sensible decision. Besides, moving house is very stressful (even as a couple, let alone on your own) and you need to be feeling strong to face such a change. In another year or so, you'll have a better idea what you want from life, and your parents' circumstances may have changed. I think you should take a bit longer to think about all this before deciding.

Dear Tillybelle thank you so much for your positive responses. I think we need to give each other a pat on the back for being as positive as we are able. Even those of us who are still struggling with the shock of bereavement, need validation that we understand.

Your mention of PTSS brought me to tears. It reminded me of when I had to perform CPR on my DH on our bed whilst on the phone to 999.....the pain is never far from the surface.

My husband died very suddenly of sepsis just 5months ago. He had just retired and we had lots of things planned. I am thinking of selling my house and moving near my daughter and her family, but my dilema is my mum and dad are both over nintey and rely on me quite a lot. I feel i am stuck in the middle and can,t move on.....any thoughts ? I am only talking of moving approx 45min away.

My husband died 11 years ago. Our son died age 28, 13 years before that, and going back more years, my mother took her life by overdose in 1973 age 56. My father died in 1951, age 32 of TB.

My mother never got over losing my father when I was eight, and sank into a melancholic state lasting 22 years till she decided 'to join him'. By then I had two little ones.

My upbringing had been in convent boarding schools and with my maternal grandparents in school holidays. Then on leaving school and working in a bank, I stayed in hostels followed by flat-sharing, in London. Mother decided to come to live in my marital home.

As a result of the background, I guess I have an inbuilt barrier against wallowing, and fortunately, in our marriage we each had our own interests and were never joined at the hip. I will always miss him though.

A wonderful new life came into the world when DD, my surviving child, had her baby boy, soon after the last bereavement, he is now ten and a great joy. As they don't live very near and the first two years of coming home to an empty house were very wearing, I got a rescue cat. No doubt I am more besotted with her than I should be, but this companion is very important.

What I have found most difficult on the practical side, is maintaining the house. My husband, an engineer, did everything himself - electrics, plumbing etc and was a DIY man. The problem of sourcing tradesmen took a while to find the right ones (word-of-mouth always best) and I know I was sometimes ripped-off along the way.

There are friends if I needed to ask for help but I so hate asking. The independence that was forced on me in youth plays a big part. Worrying brings illness, so one battles on!!

Our Methodist Minister at my Husband's Service told my mother that it is more difficult in the second year. He said that people remember during the first year. When it gets to the second year after, people think you are coping now and have adjusted. I found this to be true.
As far as "coping" well, I coped because I had to

So true Tillybelle “ coping and adjusting” are what society perceives from the outside. I am in my second year and finding it much harder at times because some of the shock has worn off and the reality that there is now just me and that is my life from now on is something I am learning to live with. Because we are not weeping and wailing and tearing our clothes like characters in. Greek tragedy we are seen to be “coping” If only others knew what went on indoors and in our minds.
I was particularly hurt by insensitive remarks - not meant at all unkindly - but which showed how the speaker really had no comprehension of what it is like.
Paw died in November, and the following January a very nice lady I know at my art history class commented “oh dear, that must have cast a bit of a shadow over Christmas “
Another who was going through a messy divorce said “ it’s not as bad as divorce, I do think you are lucky that he still loved you” again

There is nothing you can say is there?
I am learning that each one of us bears our grief differently and also that however hard you try to show sympathy and empathy, you don’t know what is is like until it happens.

Very kind thoughts to everyone Tillybelle
Thankyou

trueblue22. I can't remember if I said this!! I think it might have been on another thread!

I really admire you! You are taking such positive and constructive steps towards building your life after your sad bereavement. Well done!! Congratulations on becoming a Counsellor! That is a most worthwhile and essential job and and can be quite thankless sometimes!

I think you were very brave to give another relationship a try and to be able to walk away from it when it was not the right one.

I too sing, when I can. It is such a blessed thing to do, I find, although I now get too emotional over some of the music we sing. I think you are a really good model for anyone trying to think how to cope.

Of course there will be others who find a period of peace away from the hustle and bustle of people is essential to their path through the time after losing a very close loved-one. I find this is needed for me at times, mixed with, if possible, meeting people from time to time. At the moment I have become a lot more house-bound through the increased pain of my disability so I am not a typical person regarding my life-style.

I think you have posted such a valuable topic. It is so obvious how many people are finding it helpful and how many people are helping each other. GransNet at its best!

Thank you so much trueblue22 you are a star! ⭐️

Their were circumstances ?X! There were ! Blooming spell corrector and my bad typing - sorry!

Dear Qinwa
I am so very sorry that your Dear Husband has dies so recently and that when he collapsed it was such a frightening experience trying to get to him. I beg you to take life gently, being very kind to yourself. If you need sleep then take a rest no matter the time of day. Try to eat well, buy yourself comfort food and easy to cook tempting food such as the M&S meals.
It will take a long time to recover from the frightening experience of not being able to open the door when your husband collapsed. You may find it comes back to you for some years. If it is causing you a lot of stress, please go to your Doctor. When I found the person I mentioned whom I met several years after my husband died, I had a very bad shock indeed. Their were circumstances a bit like yours and things I never describe. I am still being treated for PTSD, but in part that is due to another bad event since. However, I am thinking of you here; if that terrifying time by the bathroom door keeps coming back to you, I would urge you to discuss it with your Doctor. It could be that you have some signs of PTSD. I am not saying you have! Do not misunderstand me - but your Doctor could decide if there is some more help from which you could benefit.
Sending you very much love and prayers that peace will come to your heart soon, Elle x

annsixty. What an ordeal you had! How hard it must have been to watch your much loved husband endure such terrible trials and afflictions. You too would have suffered. Watching a loved one go through this is so terribly hard - it can feel unendurable. I am sure having you beside him gave him strength and comfort to get through such dreadful suffering.

I know about feeling relief when a loved-one is released from their pain. I have prayed that someone would die and so have their pain ended. It does not mean that you are not in bereavement however, even though the burdens of coping with everyday life fell to you long before he died.

Do take care of yourself, as I said to everyone else. As time passes, in my experience, you will dwell less on his latter days of suffering and think more of the wonderful days of full health when you shared your lives and did many things together.

Sending you every good wish for peace and happiness, Elle x

I have had "one of those mornings", so decided to pop into Gransnet to see how you all were, and happened upon this post. Oh Dear! 3 months since my beloved husband died, after a short horrible last few weeks fight against the cancer which had been dogging him for several years.It was not unexpected, but I think I must have been in total shock, because I could not think of anything to say at his funeral, except"He was kind, he was funny, and I loved him to bits" All if which is true, and I so wish I could hold him in my arms just once more. I go out, I live in a close community, so there is always someone to chat to if I take a walk, but like most people on here, there is no-one at home to tell about this, and that is what is so sad, the not sharing. Yes, I am sure things will get better, and it is always good when the sun shines, which it is trying to do at the moment, 67 years of being with and loving the same person, memories which bring smiles and when shared with friends laughter, a good life and no regrets, He would want for me to grieve but be "happy", and so I am doing all the things we liked to do together and also making new friends which helps pass the days.

My experiences of widowhood, very recent, are somewhat different but as the OP asks I will relate mine.
Firstly sincere condolences to you all, especially the ones widowed young and those now feeling so alone.
My H died 7 weeks ago, he was just 83 and we had been married for over 60 years.
He had had Alzheimer's for the last 6/7/8 of those ,had a major stroke last year and had recently been diagnosed with cancer
I looked after him at home until last November when he went into care .
His death came as a relief, I loved him dearly but he was out of his mental torture and it WAS torture for him, and his physical disability which he railed against, and he never knew he had cancer and did not suffer from it as he died just 10 days after we were told it has become very aggressive and advanced.

I had grieved for 6 years, had worn myself into the ground looking after him and now I am trying to pick up the pieces but as I am 82 in 4 weeks I do not have time on my side and I am left rather disabled myself with osteoarthritis.
Obviously I do not miss the company of a man, I felt I didn't have that for years in reality, had I been much younger I would have looked for companionship for social reasons eventually, but even that ship has sailed now.

To those of you who find love again, best wishes, for those who want friendship I hope you find it.
For myself I can look back on a long life, a long marriage , a very peaceful end for my husband, with something approaching contentment, in time, not quite yet.

My sincere condolences to you quinwa. It's very early days and you are probably still numb with shock. Take care of yourself and know we are here if you want to share.

I found journalling quite helpful to get those feelings out.

When I started this thread, I was surprised that it hadn't been covered before. As we are grand, we're probably a certain age and more likely to be losing a partner.

There is life after, but you have to grab, and enjoy, every moment. I believe our passed loved one would want us to

Oh Qinwa, that must have been terrible for you. Please accept my condolences. It's so hard isn't it especially when your husband was taken so suddenly. I can echo most of the sentiments here, especially the empty house and having no one to do the little things that my husband used to do for me. And being the one responsible for everything. Thank you Tillybelle and trueblue22 for your kind words, and for starting this thread trueblue22. Maybe we can keep it going to continue to support each other. especially those of us who can't rely on nearby family for support.

Qinwa my condolences you must still be in shock

My husband passed away last month 5th May. He was unwell since Xmas and had been losing weight and in a lot of pain. From the time he was diagnosed the cancer had spread to his lungs, pancreas, liver and lymph nodes. He perked up when given morphine and steroid and we had three good weeks with him when he was positive and pain free. He collapsed in the locked toilet from pulmonary embolism, I am still reliving the panic and distress getting neighbors to break down the door. I miss him so much!!!!

trueblue and hondagirl, Regarding the difficulty of other people going back to normal after your bereavement: I had been bereaved by suicide when I was 42, and the children were at school. Our Methodist Minister at my Husband's Service told my mother that it is more difficult in the second year. He said that people remember during the first year. When it gets to the second year after, people think you are coping now and have adjusted. I found this to be true.
As far as "coping" well, I coped because I had to! What else could I do? Adjusting? I don't think I can ever adjust to his suicide. Then, about 17 years later, my next love committed suicide too - albeit for far more understandable reasons - so now I know I shall never recover. I sometimes feel like a hollow shell.
hondagirl - I am so sorry you have lost your husband recently. I do hope you will find some comfort as you go through the days ahead. I always say to people try to eat well - take vitamin supplements even, as it is so easy to let yourself go and forget that good nutrition helps keep you feeling well. I am absolutely terrible at practising what I preach though! Bless you! Hugs ((0)) Elle x

Oh not again! sorry there's an extra "and" which is not needed, 1st line 2nd para. between "someone" and "after"

I do hope I can get my eyes done soon! Maybe my brain...?

Saggi. It goes without saying - not all husbands are as controlling as this. Many are the opposite and need a wife to subtly suggest a different tie or shirt....
If you are finding life with your husband to be as you describe in your post, I am truly sorry. Is there not any way you can get away from such a miserable life with this nagging person?

Regarding the subject that some people like to be with someone and after being widowed. Sometimes I have noticed that it is those people who have been in a very loving and mutually supportive relationship who want to share their life with someone else again. These people are often loving and gentle and may attract the kind of man who wants to look after them in a true sense of partnership.

Not all marriages are the same. Obviously.

Farawaynanny. It is so awful that you have to say;

"Please don’t criticise those of us that have chosen to love again. I’ve been told that I obviously didn’t love my husband"

People who say such things are simply cruel!
It is not true!

Of course you loved your first husband! It is a terrible and spiteful thing to say to a kind-hearted person who has found a loving person to be with again. I am sure your late husband smiles on you from the next world! When you all get there there will be such love! It won't matter about the married love on earth but it will be pure love so all three of you will be together.

I do hope you have not been upset by these dreadful judgemental people! We are all different. I do not want to be with anybody else now. But it has nothing to do with my late husband! It is my personal preference. Anybody who finds love again after the loss of a husband/ wife/partner whom they dearly loved, deserves to be happy the second time! I am sure most people would say something like "My husband would not want me to be alone" or "My husband would be happy for me." Life goes on! Everybody's life is individual. None of us knows what is round the corner. A few years after my husband died, a friend said did I know anyone where I worked who was nice..... I said I was not looking for another relationship and she said "That is when it happens!" The next thing was, I had to go to a different city for a conference and there was this kind and thoughtful, funny and intelligent, sweet and compassionate, lovely man.... So my second love began. Sadly he died too. But we did have much happiness for several years.

So, in the face of nasty comments - ignore them and walk away!

Never say never, embrace what is good, and be kind to yourself through the pain for it simply reflects the wonderful and special love you shared and nobody can take that away.

Oh Peonyrose! Bless you, you sound so sad! I shall be 70 in the Autumn. I can identify with every word you say! My children and grandchildren might see me once a year... My best friend died a year after my husband who died a long time ago.
My life is just living alone, disabled, trying to keep the house from becoming a tip because it is hard with all the pain to do things. I hardly ever go out as I can't walk very far and using the wheelchair is impossible as I can't get it in the car and the disability scooter is very difficult too, not much use for visits or doing the types of things I used to do,
Yes, I too was admitted to hospital suddenly just over a year ago and said there is nobody to contact unless I die. While I was there, most nurses were simply lovely. However I shall never get over the two dreadful girls who simply abused me. Being alone, they knew I was an easy target. It has made me scared to go into hospital again. It is another thread really so I will not go into it.
I send you lots of love and I do hope you can make some friends and get out and find some pleasant things to do. Elle x