pre bereavement

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How very difficult this is for you Julesvernal.

I know sitting by the bedsides of my parents, waiting for them to die (they were terminally ill with cancer) was the hardest thing to do. My life was in limbo. On the one hand I wanted their suffering to end but on the other I didn't want to lose the people I loved, who loved me unconditionally.

I was lucky to have had a good and loving relationship with my parents. I don't have any idea what it must be like to have a critical 'acerbic' mother. She is obviously a strong character, and she has chosen to go when it suits her.

I think you have to respect that but all the same, it's very painful to watch a life slipping away.

I add my heartfelt sympathy to any of the GN community
now sitting by a relative, knowing they are on their death bed. It's a painful situation, no matter the age or circumstances of the person in the last stages of life. Sometimes death is a blessing but it hurts all the same.

My granny did exactly the same many years ago. She was 93, lived with my mother and had no health problems but just decided she had lived long enough and stopped eating. Seems this happens quite often.
She was comfortable and just passed away very peacefully so please don’t feel guilty and as others have said, just try to accept her decision. Thinking of you all.

Thank you gonegirl and hetty58, I have started a new post.
I will talk with her about seeing someone, talking therapy sounds helpful.
So hard to know what to say and do for the best.

(that to angelic)

Sad to say, I'm not sure you can do anything to really help her. You can, of course, still be a good friend, but this is her grief. No one can take it from her. She has to wear it.

Angelic, all you can really do is to be there for her and try to persuade her to see her GP. You could offer to go with her, perhaps. It may be that she'd benefit from talking therapy for grief or perhaps treatment for depression. Sometimes, people struggle with guilt, having survived when others haven't. (I know that's not logical but emotions often aren't.)

Angelic, you could also start a new post about this as I'm sure others will have good advice for you.

Please?

I don’ Know if this the right place to be.
But I am so worried for my Friend, she has a lot of things going on, but just recently, we lost a very close Friend to Cancer, a very young Mum same age as my friend.
I think that she is struggling with this so much, as she was going through Breast Cancer treatment at the same time as our friend.
She is finding things so hard and is very down and upset about it all.
I do not know the best way to help.
Has anyone any advice

When the mother/daughter relationship was/is difficult it does bring on extra feelings of guilt, Jools. Your 'what I should be feeling' comment brings back memories. In fact, there is no 'should' about it, we are free to feel exactly how we do.

I was extra kind and understanding to Mum in her final year. With Dad (who I was very close to) we just chatted as per normal and it was far easier to cope with the grief. On reflection, I felt I had to overcompensate and try to resolve things with Mum. Unfinished business, I suppose.

The grief was more difficult with lots of regret about always feeling unwanted by her. She did actually tell us early on that she never wanted children and we were mistakes. Once, when arguing about something, I said 'Well, at least I'm not stupid enough to have three accidental kids!'.

My mother did this when she was 78. Her husband had died 2 years before, and she had such severe arthritis that she was in a wheel chair reliant on other people to lift her for even the most basic things, going to the toilet, to bed etc. She had all her mental faculties, but hated living with the pain and being totally reliant on other people. Her argument was you wouldn't let an animal suffer what she was suffering and no-one would "help" her so she took her own life the only way she felt able. The trouble was in took months, and was extremely difficult to watch, but there was nothing anyone could do. You can't force someone to eat who doesn't want. too. I wish you all the best, its not an easy situation to be in. Lots of love. xxx

My Dad passed away in March at the age of 94 leaving my mother who is 97, she is deaf and partially sighted so has carers in for meals prep etc. Does not need personal care. She has nothing wrong with her, family are not local so cannot pop in. They were married for 72 years and together for 6 years before that. Mom said she has nothing to live for now Dad has gone and she is missing him terribly. She is eating but her heart is broken. She has had enough. I go to see her every 7/10 days and my sister has just started going every month. All we can do is support her, it is so difficult and can understand what you are saying, stay strong and be there for your Mom in her decisions.

Thank you for being so kind lovebeigecardigans . I just think sometimes “we” moan and groan about nothing much (well I do anyway) when there are far worse things happening all around us. I know exactly what you mean about death sometimes being a merciful release, but your DH was far too young.

I have friends who are 80,almost 81,and three who are all 83,one of them ,a man, almost 84. All of them have a zest for life and ,in spite of various medical problems, keep as busy as possible and 3 of them still drive. I also a lady of 91and two 90 year old men , both widowers, who still lead quite active lives.
It ‘s sad that someone should want to die at 82,these days. .My Mum only had that wish from 90 and died shortly before her 91st birthday.Hope that somehow your Mum can be helped to overcome her wish, for some years yet.

Would it be really dreadful of me to ask why she is on liquid morphine? Is she in pain? I do hope not, poor lady.

So very sorry for your situation Jules. I've had a slightly similar experience. DP wanted always to be independent but eventually, in late eighties, was involved in an incident which showed all too clearly that that independence was lost, and died, in frail but reasonable health, only a couple of weeks later. As many have said, just gave up. Other DP still continued to enjoy life, despite the grief, but suddenly, 14 years later, does not see the point and, after a recent brief hospital visit is talking about how 'nice it would have been to just have slipped away'. And I feel guilty for being the nearest relative and not able to solve this. I think we would all like to be in control of our own life, not have it decided for us, which leads almost inevitably to considering our own death. For myself, I couldn't decide now when would be the ideal age to die, but when I get there I'm sure I'll know, and I hope I'm able to influence and be at peace with it. I just hope my family will understand. I do know they will be able to cope without me and perhaps this is why your mother feels ready to go too. You have the right to feel angry but you have the strength of your family supporting you. I hope you too find the strength to be at peace with your mother's decision and perhaps rationalise it in due course.

please Jools, take care of yourself, Drive carefully and safely.

When one mentions old parents the general consensus is " aw" as if it were a cute baby.

Annoying when it is an adult with whom you have had a troubled relationship.

It's a strange thing isn't it? My relative was in complete denial pretty much up until the end. That was tough too.

Again thank you for all your lovely, thoughtful and caring responses. I am working fulltime still and travelling up to see her and arrange care when I can. I am exhausted and my 2 sisters who live more local are equally exhausted.
She left hospital at 4 st 12 lbs and that was 4 weeks ago. She hadn't eaten anything since, although after a life eating healthily, has asked for coca cola which is bizarre.
I last visited yesterday morning and to put it bluntly, she is starting to not look like mum anymore and that is unnerving me.
My 2 sisters have both had collapses due to the strain (younger sister age 56 thought it was a heart attack). I am still coping with working fulltime, travelling, and still keeping up with my family (4 supportive daughters and 4 grand kids). I am knackered but am very stoic so dont fade easily.
Mum is now on liquid morphine, so I'd imagine she won't be long. Having been described as nihilistic she was also deemed to be acerbic which is her to a T. She could be very cutting and upset us even into adulthood.
So I guess I am struggling with her decision to end her life in her own way - albeit now involving lots of agencies- whilst equally remembering what her true personality was (and my childhood).
It will be 49 days this Wedbesday with only sips of water, coca cola and a mouthful of icecream.
Not sure how that works and I am obsessively Google searching the longest time someone had lasted without eating.
Difficult relationship overall hence the guilt to what I should be feeling. X

My father announced he ‘had had enough’, didn’t stop eating but stopped battling with the effort of living. He had done everything he wanted, had put his affairs in order, had no financial worries. He died very peacefully about 3 / 4 weeks later. It was tough but I could only admire his honesty both within himself and with us, his family. He felt, as he had done everything, he had no need to live - I respect that.

To gillybob please don't feel like a bad person - you've had your challenges too - haven't we all? We all like to have a moan now and again - it's only human.
It's being in that state of limbo which was so difficult to cope with. You don't want your loved one to die - but you don't want them to suffer either. Death was a release for both of us in the end if you understand me.

if your Mother is judged to have mental capacity then there is nothing in terms of intervention that you can do Your Mum has "turned her face to the wall " her life her choice Don't project your feelings on to her support and love her through this period

We all have the right to make our own choices based on what we think is right for us.

No one else can really understand where we are - even though they may try to.

We all have the right to decide to die when we want although this may be frowned upon or misunderstood by others.

It's ok to reach a point when life isn't enough any more and that doesn't necessarily mean you are depressed either. The two are not always connected.

Of course decisions that our loved ones {and maybe not so loved too} make that don't fit right with our beliefs are difficult to handle. All we can do is to work on our acceptance of the situation as that's the only part we are in control of.

Perhaps you may find a way to continue to give your Mum support despite not agreeing with her choices. That's what real love is.

PS: CRUSE bereavement services are very good once your mom has passed if you need additional support. Google will take you to their website

Its living grief for you! Your facing the death of your last parent and that scares you. There are 5 stages of grief and can happen in any order.

They are sadness, anger, denial, bargaining and acceptance. No time span for all this. Your in anger and bargaining/denial atm.

The little girl in you doesnt want to be left orphaned. How do I know this? Been there with my mom too.

You can grieve for your mom is what I said. Just not or her age. My mom also said the same. I gulped in fear.

You dont live your moms life. You dont know truly how it is for her. Please make your peace over this and give her your blessing. You will regret it if you don't. It doesnt matter if you dont mean the words. Your mom needs to hear it. Guess how I know? You have got it. I had to do the same. My mom was 85 BTW.

Your mom was giving you a pre warning. They say a person knows about 3 months before they are going. It's in their inner life which is preparing the person. She is preparing you