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Getting there ?

(74 Posts)
MawB Wed 25-Sep-19 12:33:04

I am having a week of catching up with friends whom in some cases I have not seen since Paw died, and while it is reassuring (or flattering) to hear they think I am “getting there” I am less clear than ever where there is.
Many of you are bereaved partners, parents and children - are you “getting there”
Or if you have “got there” How did you know when you had?
Is there such a place as “there” or is it a journey with no discernible destination?

Oldwoman70 Thu 26-Sep-19 09:56:05

When asked how I am doing I reply "fine" - what people don't realise is that I am using the Deadpool definition:

fucked up, insecure, needy and emotional

Bikerhiker Thu 26-Sep-19 10:12:55

I think "there" is in the mind of well meaning people who mistake your apparent functioning for recovery, or they just don't know what to say.

Laurensnan Thu 26-Sep-19 10:13:39

It's be nearly 10 years since my 26 year old son died. I don't think I will ever get there or get over it. I ache every day. You learn to live with the pain that's all I can say. I can smile, laugh and enjoy life but the yearning for him I don't think will ever go.

Dillyduck Thu 26-Sep-19 10:22:39

I've been a widow for 13 years now. I'm reconciled to my situation now, I have made a new life for myself, but still wish I had my old one. I would urge anyone bereaved to join "Way Up". They have a forum, so when you think "Is it just me..." you find others in the same situation. They have events, and holidays. Holidaying on your own can be very daunting, but I've now been to lots of different places. The fuller your new life is, the less you will pine for the old one.

NemosMum Thu 26-Sep-19 10:27:43

Lost 2 husbands, one aged 44, the other 71, of cancer and dementia respectively. You never 'get there', more 'working towards'. I am fine most of the time, but can be ambushed by the unexpected e.g. when I noticed the dimple in my little grandson's chin was exactly like his granddad, who died 20 years before he was born. The physical pain diminishes, but sadness persists and catches us out from time to time. The best tribute to those we have lost is to be happy when we can.

TrendyNannie6 Thu 26-Sep-19 10:37:07

I don’t feel there is a there, I think how ever many years after loved ones dies there is always going to be something that triggers the pain, I feel there will always be pain within me from losing my dear mum n dad, I cannot stand the phrase life goes on, I think about them a lot miss them terribly, it’s been 13 yrs n 5 yrs but still feels like yesterday, it helps knowing though they are together though,

optimist Thu 26-Sep-19 10:42:04

Oh dear. I have buried both parents, a son and a husband. I had good lives with all of them but now my life is different and despite being 75 I am looking forward enjoying the moment, and valuing my daughter and grandchildren. It is a different life from the one I had, so I suppose I feel that I have got there.

Ellie13 Thu 26-Sep-19 11:00:13

Lost my dad two years ago, I'm not 'there', where ever that is. I'm 'here', sad some days, happy some days and miss him most days. I don't think life will ever be quite the same but it will still be the same mix of good and bad. I think about him in happier times now than at the end like I used to and that helps.

MadGrandma Thu 26-Sep-19 11:06:05

I find myself saying that "I'm getting there" to people who ask how I'm doing, and it's only been 7 months since Mike died. But as to where "THERE" is? Who knows!
Like others have said I think that it's mainly acceptance. Every day I talk to him, every night I say good night to him and I don't know if that will ever stop - or if I will want it to. I'm too old to think about another relationship I think - although never say never! But we were together for nearly 46 years and so his death has left a huge hole in my life.
On the other hand, my relationship with our daughter has healed, so I see her and her family more often and I can suit myself when I get up, go to bed, go out with friends, have work done in the house or even go on short holidays!
So I'm not sure I'll ever be "THERE", but I'm fairly content now with my life and I've accepted that things have changed.

Pearlsaminger Thu 26-Sep-19 11:10:10

Had this just this morning...

Eating my breakfast and had an overwhelming desire to call my Mum and see how she’s doing.

Sadly no phones where she is, lounging on a cloud somewhere with my Dad no doubt...

It’s been almost 10 years since she died. The grief never goes away, but the pain lessens over time...

’There’ is a non existent place....

Or maybe it’s the time in our life when we find we can deal with things a little better, without so much raw grief..

BusterTank Thu 26-Sep-19 11:15:39

I don't think you ever get there . Things do tend to get easier as years past . There will always be times when memories will bring the tears pouring back . The best thing to do is take one day at a time , some will be better than others .

westerlywind Thu 26-Sep-19 11:16:00

I have been struggling with grief for such a long time now.
I dont know what I am meant to do or aim for because the people I would have discussed this with are the people who
are no longer in my life. I know that they had to die because
to have demanded that they lived longer would have been so cruel to them as they were so ill.
I think I will be meandering through life for a lot more years to come.

jaylucy Thu 26-Sep-19 11:17:11

I don't know if you do ever "get there". If it means that you can talk about the person without crying, have got past the first birthday, Christmas, aniversary etc, have managed to get through one day, two days, a week, month, without thinking about them for every minute of the day, then maybe you can say that you have got there - wherever there is!
That is without going through the numb stage and the angry stage and the maybe if stage.
For me, if you can begin to think of them with a smile rather than tears or remembering both happy and sad memories, in some way you have accepted that they have gone and your life , though it will never be the same again without them, that you can begin to carry on with your life, be back in contact with other family and friends and may even start something new, whatever it is, you find a kind of peace.
There is no time limit on when or even if this will happen though and every one is different.

Butweam1952 Thu 26-Sep-19 11:18:13

It’s been 18 months since my DH passed away, and I don’t know what getting there means. I remember when my dad died and I was young, mum saying she got upset seeing couples holding hands, as they seemed all around her. I must admit,I now know what she meant, you never notice how many couples there are until you are no longer part of one!

Gingergirl Thu 26-Sep-19 11:20:23

Its an irritating phrase isn’t it! It suggests that you ‘return’ to some ‘place’ you were previously at,...which you never life has changed for ever...Or, that there is some goal to reach where everything will be fine....which also never happens. More realistic I think, is to say that you gradually find you are learning to live with the bereavement. Its an ongoing process and requires a measure of gentleness with yourself and the circumstances you find yourself in. Friends and family feel better if they can package up your grief neatly.....forgive them.

merlotgran Thu 26-Sep-19 11:22:00

I'm facing too many challenges to think about getting anywhere other than day to day. DH has been in hospital for a fortnight while they try to find the source of and conquer a bugger of an infection. He will then face heart surgery. On top of this we now know in our heart of hearts that we will have to move. Our property is too large and too remote for us to carry on. Our grandsons are moving on because now their mother has died there is nothing for them here. One has already gone and the other is moving in November. I'm the one who is managing everything but DH's health is top of the list so we'll have to stay put for the winter at least.

One day at a time and maybe 'there' will appear on the horizon.

CedarC Thu 26-Sep-19 11:24:51

I have been widowed for just 3 months and its still very raw,there seems to be no purpose in anything and I feel so alone,I know I'm not but friends and family don't make up for what I've lost. So many of the things I've read on here this morning don't give me a lot of hope.Its just a case of getting through another day.

Aepgirl Thu 26-Sep-19 11:26:16

‘Getting there’ is not a phrase I would use. I think ‘learning to accept the situation’ is more to the point. It’s a very personal situation and some cope better than others. I always say to my bereaved friends/family, that there is no shame in being sad/upset/angry. The important thing is to try to get on with your life one day at a time.

Peardrop50 Thu 26-Sep-19 11:27:35

I have been very lucky in life and still have Mr P and my lovely children and grandchildren. I just want to say how sorry I am, your heartfelt words have brought me to tears, thank you to all of you who have given me an insight in to the depth of loss so that I can better understand what some of my friends are feeling and I hope this will make me a more empathetic friend. My heart goes out to you all.

Megs36 Thu 26-Sep-19 11:30:53

My husband has been very ill this year and previous years,and getting there was asked or mentioned by lots of people, kindly meant, mainly because no one (including me) knows what else to say.

moggie57 Thu 26-Sep-19 11:47:15

getting there ? depends where you want to be. i got a t-shirt at charity shop yesterday on it says STRONGER THAN YESTERDAY sounds good to me.....i still grieving from many deaths ,cats included..esp my mum 20 years ago.have to make use of the days now .got too many illnesses to think about. off now to do my daughters gardening (she lost her husband two years ago age 37). so all things help. volunteer like i do.

Mapleleaf Thu 26-Sep-19 11:59:56

I'm not sure we ever "get there" after losing loved ones. I suppose what people probably mean when they say this, is that you appear to be getting on with things "normally" again, like you did before the bereavement, but of course, it's a different kind of "normal" isn't it when you are continuing your life without those special people being there physically any more? Bereavement doesn't have a set of rules which we follow - it's a very personal process for us all and as Aepgirl says you just have to try take it one day at a time, and I feel that each day is different. Some days you can go through your day relatively unscathed by your loss (especially as time passes), but another day, even after a long time has passed, it can hit you with a huge wallop.

DotMH1901 Thu 26-Sep-19 13:26:01

It's been 21 years since my husband died, I still miss him very much. Since he passed away I have become Nan to five gorgeous grandchildren - and they have helped to heal the heartbreak I felt, although I do wish greatly that he had been here to get into mischief with them (which he would have done). As to 'getting there' - not sure what is meant by that but I am sure people mean well by it, it is hard to understand how the loss of a partner feels unless you have experienced it yourself.

Guineagirl Thu 26-Sep-19 13:33:37

I feel better some days and then bad other days. I don’t think I will ever be the same again. I look back and I must of been exhausted as I literally felt so cold and just went to bed a lot. I don’t do that now so maybe that’s a good sign, It is an awful thing grief and subsequent health problems it caused I still have. So no the bus to there hasn’t arrived yet for me.

Summerstorm Thu 26-Sep-19 13:42:12

I don’t think that “there” exists for everyone. 26+ years later I haven’t found it yet. I do think that unless you have lost a partner you can’t possibly understand what it feels like. I have a pretty happy life with lots of friends and would like to think I would be understanding of anyone in our situation. Good that you are meeting up with old friends but unless they’ve been in your situation don’t expect to much from them. I remember another friend being told that it’s been 6months and she should be over it now. Her answer was that she hadn’t realised there was a time limit on it