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Bereavement

Getting there ?

(73 Posts)
MawB Wed 25-Sep-19 12:33:04

I am having a week of catching up with friends whom in some cases I have not seen since Paw died, and while it is reassuring (or flattering) to hear they think I am “getting there” I am less clear than ever where there is.
Many of you are bereaved partners, parents and children - are you “getting there”
Or if you have “got there” How did you know when you had?
Is there such a place as “there” or is it a journey with no discernible destination?

MissAdventure Wed 25-Sep-19 12:36:05

I think 'there' is some magical, faraway land that i'll never get to.

I've long since given up hope of arriving 'there' one day.

lovebeigecardigans1955 Wed 25-Sep-19 12:43:05

You never totally 'get there' whatever that means. You can still be caught unawares at times, often when it's unexpected. I say goodnight to my dear late husband every night and will continue to do so unless I get too gaga to remember. Most of us are just muddling along trying to make the best of things.

There's that little bit of sadness which will always follow me around and I guess I'll never shake it off but on the whole I'm coping.

LondonGranny Wed 25-Sep-19 12:51:06

There is no set timeframe for grief. It sneaks up and slaps you in the face when you least expect it. My experience is this can happen years after a death when you think you've come to terms with it. Last week I came across a letter a friend wrote me when my first child was born. My friend died over ten years ago (not unexpectedly, she'd been very ill for a long time). I just sobbed and sobbed.

Eglantine21 Wed 25-Sep-19 13:00:59

I think they might mean you seem a bit more like your old/usual self.

Looking back I can see that I was, well as mad as a hatter, in a number of different ways, for the first two years after my husband died.

In fact I actually remember the moment when I was aware of making a sane, rational decision, 23 months after he died.

However, many years later I’m still on the journey. Perhaps more content to see it as such......

Anniebach Wed 25-Sep-19 13:39:18

I don’t know where ‘there’ is. My husband died 43 years ago,
I don’t have that grief which followed his death. I sobbed when our daughters married, when out three grandchildren were born because I needed him to share with, I want him with me now.

My darling elder daughter died two years ago come November, I long for her everyday, I don’t weep, I do ache .

Perhaps ‘getting there ‘ is acceptance?

crazyH Wed 25-Sep-19 13:46:25

Oh Anniebach - what could be worse than losing a beloved child. I am not undermining the pain that others feel, because my heart also longs for my best ever friend , who passed away 3 years ago this Christmas. flowers for all who are mourning the loss of someone dear to them. Xx

annsixty Wed 25-Sep-19 14:07:14

I think when people say "getting there" they mean "getting back" back to what/where we were before it all happening.
Those of us who have " been there" know this is never going to happen.
We have changed in a way there is no going back.
We will move on of course, well I hope we will, but never "get there".

cornergran Wed 25-Sep-19 14:10:20

People have said I’m getting there when they’ve seen me doing the things I did before a bereavement and being with them socially. Its an odd phrase, because where we all are is somewhere different and it doesn’t acknowledge the energy that goes into the acting that often gets us where we have struggled to be. A hug from me for everyone who has been bereaved.

GrannyGravy13 Wed 25-Sep-19 14:19:14

I do not think "there" exists.

We do everyday things, interact with family and friends and then when something happens and the first thing you think is "I must tell my ******" and you realise that they are no longer around, the grief is all encompassing.

Beechnut Wed 25-Sep-19 14:54:00

I’ve no idea where ‘there’ is either. I remember the first time I was asked was by a woman who had been widowed a number of years earlier. If I had been quick enough to think perhaps I should have asked her.

tanith Wed 25-Sep-19 16:50:11

I don’t think I’ll ever get ‘there’ either and not sure I want to.

I’m doing ok able to interact with friends and family but I had to fill in a form the other day and for the first time I ticked ‘widow’ and I dissolved. It’s a year now and as long as I’m able to I’ll say good morning and goodnight to DH every day and carry on telling about happenings and events in the family.

A hug to all of you.

merlotgran Wed 25-Sep-19 16:53:41

Wherever it is I'm a long way off. 😦

EllanVannin Wed 25-Sep-19 17:40:32

I've never got " there ". After 25 years I've never wanted to share my life with anyone else. I'm not likely to now ! I was only 54.

MawB Wed 25-Sep-19 18:49:13

Tanith I had one of those to do just days after Paw died and the girls took me out for a quick meal before they went back to London, and I swore then I would ignore it in future

merlotgran Wed 25-Sep-19 19:29:51

When I got the bill for the casket spray the reference was 'The late ...........' she'd only been dead a week. It absolutely floored me.

MawB Wed 25-Sep-19 19:39:06

Mine was (amongst others) a communication from the bank naming the investor as "the estate of the late Mr Broon..."😪😪

grannyqueenie Wed 25-Sep-19 22:59:31

I think “there” is a place that only exists in the minds of mistaken, though well meaning, friends who need you to “recover” because they struggle to cope with the ongoing sadness/loss that you live with every day.

MissAdventure Wed 25-Sep-19 23:15:42

I think you're right grannyqueenie.

People want to check that you're not about to break down and sob in their arms every time they stop for a chat.

So, you feel obliged to pretend that yes, you're 'getting there'.

MawB Wed 25-Sep-19 23:37:23

Good point both of you - the “relief” that we can interact “normally” is sometimes very obvious. 🤔🤔

trueblue22 Thu 26-Sep-19 00:01:00

I looked after my two young gc last Saturday and took them to a local cafe for lunch. Most were there with both their grandparents.

After I'd dropped the children back home with their parents, I absolutely wailed with grief knowing that my late DH couldn't enjoy them. It was also sad seeing both GPs with their gc in the playground.

I'm usually very positive and follow the Eckhart Tolle maxim of living in, and appreciating, the moment. It's the only way I can cope with being single again. I suppose it's important to be grateful for what we DO have, rather than dwell on the lack of.

callgirl1 Thu 26-Sep-19 00:11:36

I am doing OK, I think, albeit lonely, but what floors me and sends me back to square one, is receiving letters addressed to my husband, or, as in one day last week, a phone call from a survey company, asking to speak to him to ask him some questions. When I told the man that my husband had died 3 years ago, the instant response was "can we ask you the questions instead?"!!

tanith Thu 26-Sep-19 07:20:55

MawB I think I might also ignore it in future 🌻

Beckett Thu 26-Sep-19 08:14:53

I don't think there is a "there" to get to. It's been 8 years for me and people tell me how well they think I have coped - they don't see me sobbing my heart out when I am alone. I think we all put on a front when we are with people - and it is exhausting.

BlueSapphire Thu 26-Sep-19 08:47:16

I can sort of cope during the week, as I have tried to fit in lots of activities to keep me busy, (although it's an empty house I come home to and you never get over that), but it's the weekends that fill me with dread, that I miss DH the most. The other Saturday I sat with my early morning tea, and just found myself sobbing. So I now try to plan something into the weekend, to have something to look forward to. This weekend it's rugby on Saturday, and the cinema on Sunday. I will never get there, will be forever travelling, there will forever be an empty space beside me until the day I die - will I be there then?
But for the moment I just keep going because I feel that I owe it to DH, who would be heartbroken if I didn't.