Grieving .

The Bodach died at the turn of the year, and I can relate to annsixty talking about being grateful in the first weeks that an illness is over, in his case Alzheimer’s and malignant melanoma. Strangely enough, I am quite glad about the lockdown, as I am vulnerable, and it gives me the reason to tell the family to stay away, as they were sort of killing me with kindness, when all I wanted at times was to be alone with my thoughts and my tears, but they kept trying to take me out or keep me company. I’m just going to take time to grieve, however long it takes.
Thoughts are with anybody struggling, for whatever reason.

It`s 3 and a half years now since my husband died. We`d been married for just over 53 years. He was in hospital, and we were told that they couldn`t do anything else to make him better, he lived for another 2 weeks after that. Altogether he was in hospital for 4 weeks, then they found him a place in a hospice. We thought that he would have a little time to enjoy being there, rather than in hospital, which he hated, but he died just 24 hours after arriving there. I was there, as were all our children but one, plus one of his brothers, 10 of us altogether, just waiting. We didn`t want to lose him, of course we didn`t, but it was so painful to see him struggle for every breath. He wasn`t conscious, but the nurse said keep talking, hearing is the last thing to go, but it was so hard.
I know it`s been a while now, but things keep happening that make me want to cry, although I try not to in front of anyone. It doesn`t help when a letter arrive addressed to him, as did this morning, from people who should know better, i.e. the bank.
So Polnan, just take things as they come, cry if you need to, ignore your (well meaning?) friends, what do they know?

I am finding it really hard at the moment. I agree that going out and meeting with friends does help and the various simple things I did with them, coffee, cinema, quiz night helped to give some structure to my life. Now that's all gone and I find I am bursting into tears at various unexpected times/
In addition it is coming up to the first anniversary of his death soon. Easter is earlier this year, but he was actually in a hospice over Easter last year and died on the 24th. My immediate family all live abroad. I had a month long visit to my daughter in New Zealand planned so I could spend my 70th birthday, DGDs birthday with them and be there on the 24th as she didn't want me to be on my own. That of course was cancelled.

Polnan I am absolutely with you on finding it hard saying “I, me, my” instead of “we, us, our” and in fact 2 1/2 years on I still do.
Why not? It was “our” house, “our” bed etc and it hasn’t changed.
As for the loneliness, I was walking Hattie up by the churchyard as usual today and met a couple I know slightly, out on their daily walk. I would say they are in their 80’s but in good health and I found myself dwelling on how more bearable lockdown is for those whose partners have their health. Simple companionship and someone to share our feelings. It’s that old thing of “having nobody to do nothing with”.
That said, coping with the present situation is unthinkable if one has a poorly husband/wife, or one in residential care or needing hospital appointments or procedures.
Well done you for getting on and tackling jobs though and if you find there are days when you don’t necessarily shed those tears - you are doing brilliantly!

tree19 I’m so sorry, it’s awful to watch a parent die, but it will get easier and you will find that you aren’t thinking of it constantly, my Father took a long time to die, we sat and sat and then suddenly it was over, we were upset and relieved for him at the same time.
When my Mum died I wasn’t there, I was on my way to the hospital, that was awful too! I’m not sure which was worse.
But it will get better, think of all the happy times you had and that you were with her when she died, I’m sure she knew you were with her.its a cliche , but it’s all part of the process and will get better but it won’t be quick and it won’t be easy.

Right here goes , I lost my mum on the 4th March she had a bad fall and ended up in hospital she had got over her lung cancer and we thought she was in recovery so the specialist said , but when she had a brain scan the cancer had gone to her brain and more test revealed it was everywhere lungs as well , we were all shocked as 3 month's ago it was all gone , doctors said she had 2 to 3 month's to live and it was devastating, we got her home as I lived posit her I looked after her but she died 3 weeks after with all her family around her it was a me my sister and 2 brothers, I don't know how death looks like but she was breathing and then stopped it went on for 1 hour it was so upsetting I can't stop thinking and going through the same night over and over again,

Had to come find this thread again.

How are you all doing with this isolation then?

I think, maybe, I don`t know, maybe I don`t cry so much

what is getting to me ,at this moment, is that the sun is shining, I have had a good morning, actually managed to do something... mostly, I think of lots to do, but just can`t do it

so I have stripped my bed, still hurts to say, my instead of our.... washed, hung on the line, used to get such pleasure jof just hanging washing on the line, yes, I am a simple creature.

ironed, put away, bed all made, even got the vacuum cleaner out and skimmed round the middle of the sitting room

then.. hit the brick wall.. what to do now? and the tears start..

so thinking of everyone,,, how are YOU dealing with this isolation,?? I am convinced it doesn`t help me.. if only I could get out and see people, talk with someone..

not good on the phone, but done emails..

anyone there?

I am so srry for your loss I my self lost my wife over 12months ago i to find it verey hảd to get on with my life people saying life must go on but most of them have not lived it all i can say i am so glad that i was in love with my girl they hí know quick anser just time good luck x

Anniebach, ((hugs)) to you, too. You've been alone almost as long as OH and I were together but I am so glad for you that you have the good memories to cherish. ?

I am so deeply sorry for all who grieve for their husband, the loss after so many years of loving, sharing and caring.

Please as you work through your grief , your loneliness , try to
hold onto the memories with joy.

My husband died 44 years ago yesterday, we were only married eight years, he is still 30, I can’t relate to that young
man but I still remember we loved deeply .

I do not mean ‘you are so lucky’, I ache for you , I remember
how lost my mother was after my father died.

Polnan, I can only send you love and ((hugs)). There are so many of us here grieving the loss of a beloved husband and there's no right or wrong way to do it. It's the sense of desolation that knocks you sideways, I find. Whatever went wrong with my world, there was always a loving arm to go around my shoulder and a gentle voice to murmur words of comfort and support. Now, when I need them most, they're no longer there.

Friends who've been down this road before me say the pain eases in time but never actually goes away; you simply adjust. I don't even know if I want the pain to go away - if his absence didn't hurt, surely it would mean I didn't love him?

I do know, even when I'm crying, how lucky I was to have my lovely man for nearly 48 years and the many happy, funny, loving memories will sustain me into the future. I hope yours will do, also.

Lastly, 'friends' who tell you how you should or should not be feeling/grieving are not really friends at all and you have every right to give them short shrift or just to walk away. I confess I have shown the sharp edge of my tongue to a couple of people recently who were trying (probably with good intentions) to tell me what to do/feel. I apologised later for my shortness but I hope it makes them think twice about their attitude for the future.

In my experience grief for a loved one can go on for a very long time.
It comes and goes in waves and the first two years are generally th emost painful.

If you can give yourself space at least once a week to feel your pain. Sometimes it scared me, would I ever stop crying but I did.
It is good to talk with other people about your feelings and also about the person who has died.
for you and take care of yourself too.

Sending my heartfelt sympathy to all on here who are grieving loved ones. x

Oh polnan my heart goes out to you and I totally understand how you feel,my darling husband died recently very suddenly he went to collect our DD to take her to work and died in his car at the bottom of our Road,he was found slumped over the wheel of our car by a neighbour just 5 mins after he had said "see you soon" he was already dead when he was found such a shock for everyone he had not been poorly so we have to wait until 13th March for inquest and determine the cause of death maybe when this is over I can think of moving on,tears will come any time just let them come and remember the lovely life you had and look forward slowly to the next chapter in your life xx

Polnan, I am now 2 years without my DH, he died very suddenly, and my world just spun off its axis. I still have times I feel I cannot cope, in spite of two amazingly supportive children and a daughter in law, and the grandchildren, and friends.

Grief has no fixed time, if you need to cry, well, you need to cry, If you want to laugh don't feel guilty, life has changed forever, and there are times I just hate that, but I am thankful we had 46 years, some amazing memories, and perhaps one day the hole in my heart will get smaller, but I know it will never go away, and I must accept that.
Sending love

So sad for all of you who have lost someone you love.

So much good advice in here and I agree that everyone copes in their own way. I think just keeping on keeping on is sometimes all you can do.

I don't think there is any sort of pecking order of what is worse, watching someone die, old or young, losing them suddenly, knowing the cause or not knowing the cause, even whether related by blood or not. A loss of a loved one is such a personal grief that we have to cope alone no matter how much support we have.

So sorry polnan, it is very hard for you. I have no experience but I send you love and at this very difficult time. Keep coming on here, people will listen and support you.

Oh dear polnan. Spring is coming but the weather is still bad. That's very lowering to already low spirits. Its a pity that you can't share your feelings with friends and family. At least you'll find ready support and understanding here. ?

o.k here I am again.
crying and crying today, I keep a journal, I eat as well as I can, I try a bit of exercise,, I get out, rarely refuse invitations,

wish we could communicate other than here

sort of... I don`t know..I am just feeling so lonely, family are as supportive as they can be, all working etc..

church friends, well none very close ,,, I feel they are at a loss as to what to do with me... expect me to move on? I don`t know... just feel lost and lonely, and now the "missing him" is building up.... another stage...

darn these tears.

prayers and good wishes for everyone here

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polnan It is incredible how insensitive and downright clumsy some "friends" can be. I didn't get the same as you. But I did get a suggestion that I should get a puppy, literally two day after DH died. Unbelievable. It is nearly a year since my DH died and I still have times when something will trigger me off or when intrusive thoughts of his last days (I nursed him to the end) come rushing into my head.

There is nothing wrong with crying. It is a release valve and absolutely OK (some people can't cry and that is normal too by the way).

I had a similar experience to MawB in a supermarket. It is weird the odd things that will trigger us. But it is all Ok.

Look after yourself and remember whatever is right for you is right.

My dear polnan my deepest sympathy.
Please don’t beat yourself up, you are still in shock so soon after losing your dear husband and after months of caring.
It is only a matter of weeks of course the tears are close to the surface. The slightest thing can set them off, sometimes just birdsong or a lovely morning which you know you can no longer share with him. I remember bursting into tears at the doctors and she gave me some pills to help me sleep just non a short term basis, because inadequate sleep can frequently make one more tearful. But it is very early days.
It is 2 years since my husband died, aged just 70, but after many years of poor health. I thought I was pretty calm in the days immediately after his death, but went to pieces sometimes at the most trivial things.
I had to abandon my shopping trolley once and leg it out of Waitrose because a local brass band was playing carols outside! I can hardly go to a church, I still cry at beautiful music, my grandchildren’s birthdays trigger my tears and as you say it can sweep in from nowhere.
I once asked a friend who lost his wife 9 years ago when I would stop crying. He said that when he found out, he would let me know.
Anybody who says you should not be crying is talking out of their hat. You can’t know what losing your life partner feels like unless you have been there, it’s like losing your right arm.
However, you may benefit from counselling, the chance to get it off your chest to somebody who knows what they are talking about. Some doctors advocate waiting a few months but I would strongly recommend you contact CRUSE bereavement counselling for advice as you definitely need a shoulder to cry on .
I am shocked at the comments you say you have had. Not true friends.

well I have come here, and see we talk about grieving, for me it is the crying part

my dh was 84 when he died 2 weeks ago, he had been ill for months,, andmonths,, I was his carer, (that`s my excuse for grieving) he was getting better in hospital, waiting to be moved to another ward where his treatment would be less intense... then he died, suddenly,, unexpected, that again is my excuse

of course I am grieving, it is the crying that is getting me down, scared to meet my church friends etc for fear of crying.. now they seem to be suggesting, via emails that I shouldn`t be crying.. he has had a funeral yet even.

what is wrong with me? why can`t I control my crying?
not all the time, it just swooshes down on me, without warning

You think you know grief when there is unrequited love, or something similar, but my goodness, it is like a bit of dust compared to the utter sadness, sorrow, and oblivion, and also raging, of losing the person you have lived with and loved for nearly 50 years. I am still angry with him for going, but just overwhelmingly sad. I try to show my family a happy face and have never cried in front of them; I don't want them thinking 'poor mum' and try not to 'need' them too much. I can only talk about it with others who have been through the same, as they understand.
But on the plus side we had a wonderful life together, had two lovely DC, travelled the world, and I feel so thankful for knowing such happiness and having the love of, and being loved by, such a kind and loving man.

When my sister dies in a road accident, I was fortunate enough to have a 45 minute drive to work and for the first six months I cried continuously for the whole journey, morning and evening and that enabled me to keep going.

I was surrounded by friends and family who at the slightest sign of grief would rush round to hold me and comfort me and I truly appreciated it, but I also needed space to just let my grief, misery and pain pour out of me and not be comforted and the drive to and from work gave me that space.

I do not think we should be afraid of grief, sometimes we should embrace it and let it have full flow.