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Bereavement

Grieving .

(53 Posts)
Nanabas Wed 23-Oct-19 18:17:19

I lost my husband suddenly 9 months ago . It was a normal day and he seemed as strong and fit as usual. After coming back from walking the dog he sat down saying he felt unwell .10 mins later he was dead and life was turned upside down. I've been try to cope by keeping busy seeing friends and family and trying to look forward but I keep coming across the advice that I should"allow yourself to grieve". Can anyone tell me how you do that and still move forward.??. Does it mean that when I feel sad and lonely I should spend time sinking into misery and despair instead of trying to pull myself out of it . I seem to be depressed and confused all the time .Does anyone have any thoughts about this?

midgey Wed 23-Oct-19 18:30:36

I have no words of wisdom but didn’t want to just pass by. I am so sorry for your loss. flowers

phoenix Wed 23-Oct-19 18:35:35

Give yourself every day, every hour, every minute that you need, it's YOUR bereavement, no one elses. flowers

Daisymae Wed 23-Oct-19 18:40:47

Cruse offer bereavement counselling which you might find useful, just Google. It's a process not an event and will take time, many people find that the first year is the most difficult. People move on at different rates and it's early days for you, especially as you have had such an unexpected loss to deal with. I hope you find some support from Cruse to help you come to terms with what has happened. Best wishes

Harris27 Wed 23-Oct-19 18:45:15

I think a sudden death is always hard more so when it’s your husband. No words of advice but my brother lost his wife suddenly and it took him a long time to come to terms with it. He said he had days of despair and days when he could cope. Sending you my love and best wishes.

Luckygirl Wed 23-Oct-19 18:48:44

I am so sorry that you have suffered such a sudden loss - it must be so very hard to deal with.

I am guessing that when people say you should "allow yourself to grieve" they are wanting to convey that it is OK to be sad and that you are not expected to get over it straight away and put a brave face on all the time.

But I think the truth is that we all grieve in our own and very
different ways and over a different timescale.

The desire to move forward is a laudable one; but I think it may be 2 steps forward and one back as you find your way to a new reality - so hard to do. Hang on in there. flowers

BradfordLass72 Thu 24-Oct-19 05:49:32

I am very much involved with a dear friend going through this at the moment Nanabas and frankly, there is no one answer, no one solution which works for everyone.

You just plough on from day to day and if you are lucky enough to have friends who will sit with you, listen to you and (if you want it) comfort you, then you may find some relief.

Yes, if you feel as if you want to cry all day, or stay in bed, do so.

If you find yourself sinking into misery and despair, see this as absolutely normal and simply a process.

What ever it takes to help you cope, do it.

Long walks or becoming a temporary reculse until you can face the world; meeting friends or asking them to give you time to yourself - all normal.

Seeking professional grief counselling - or deciding not to - do it your way and know that each day is just one small piece of time on the way to coping.

It will not last forever, you will eventually be able to manage your loss and work through the grief but it is early days yet for you. Don't expect too much of yourself too soon.

You have not only lost your dear husband, companion and support but all your dreams and plans for a shared future. That is unbelievably hard to deal with - and it will take time.

Be kind to yourself; rest if you can - and if you don't feel like eating, make a smoothie or at least keep hydrated.

If you feel up to it, here's a webpage from The Grief Centre which might help.

www.griefcentre.org.nz/Our+Services/Resources-and-Support/Support+Information/Simple+tips+to+help+you+cope

GrandmainOz Thu 24-Oct-19 06:34:06

The only way I've kept going through violent grief from the death of my son is to insist I do things on my own terms.
Some people find grief counselling invaluable. For me it was torture.
I keep myself as busy and useful as I can and when the darkness descends I keep myself alone and private till I can breathe again - and then I push on.
If I "Sat with my grief" as I've been advised I would lose my mind. It's too much for me to bear.
So I endure the unendurable by ploughing on. That's my way.
You should never conform to anyone's expectations nanabas
Do what you need. Grief is so personal and when the loss, like yours, is huge, depression and confusion is normal. Horrible, but normal.
Take it an hour at a time. Sometimes that's all you can do.
My deepest sympathy for your loss.

Sillygrandma5GK Thu 24-Oct-19 07:13:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sodapop Thu 24-Oct-19 07:41:57

There are no time scales for grieving Nanabas we all feel differently about things. Take it day by day, some will be ok others not so good but you will find a way to live with your loss.
I hope you find peace too thanks

Marmight Thu 24-Oct-19 07:58:35

My husband died very suddenly. Here one minute, gone the next so I do have an inkling of what you are suffering. Early grief is like living in a parallel universe. You go through the motions but in reality you are not really there. Your whole world has changed and facing that is not easy. The advice given above is all good. You have to do what feels right for you. Take it slowly. Accept help if you need it. Some days you don’t. Spend time crying - loudly. I used to wail at the unfairness of it all. I still do but not so often! There are highs and lows & you’ll find there are fewer lows as time progresses. You will be angry so let it out. Try to get out on good days and involve yourself in something which, if only briefly, takes your mind in another direction. Gradually you will be able to do this more frequently and it does help. Try counselling if you feel it will help. It didn’t for me, but for others it does. Facing the first year of anniversaries will be challenging and there will be many ‘what iffs?’ Grief is a weird, basically lonely, journey but there are lots of us on GN who are making that journey and are here to listen and encourage. flowers

Eglantine21 Thu 24-Oct-19 08:20:33

Like Grandmainoz I found it more bearable when I kept myself busy. I wanted to be with people who were talking about and doing other things, not how I was feeling. My bad times I kept to myself but even then I would try to find something to do to distract me.

There is no right or wrong way. Just the way that works for you. The worst times were when people wanted me to grieve in their way. Marking anniversaries, visiting the grave, talking about it every time we met.

Some people didn’t like the way I handled things. A close relative said I was “doing too well.’ Nanabas do whatever makes you feel that you can get through the day. 💐

Nanabas Thu 24-Oct-19 08:25:07

Thank you Gransnetters for your wise and comforting words. I think I have been trying too hard to take control and get over my husband's death. You are making me realise it doesn't work that way and I am so grateful for all your replies.

purplepatch Thu 24-Oct-19 14:35:58

flowersNanabas Commiserations Nanabas. My husband died 10 months ago and I totally get the confusion and mood swings. For example, yesterday I did my housework and jobs in tears nearly the whole day. Today I am coping and feel quite positive.

It's almost as if the tears and despair are a cleansing process that allows me to cope with the next days/weeks. This meltdown seems to happen every two or three weeks. Most bizarre.

But whatever works for you works for you. Not only are we all different and cope in different ways from others, but it seems we also cope in different ways and at different times within ourselves.

It is indeed a parallel universe we occupy. smile

lovebeigecardigans1955 Thu 24-Oct-19 14:43:30

You ask if you feel miserable do you give in to it? Yes, you do - for a while. When you've dried your tears you get on with things as normal. As long as it doesn't consume you all day - you get out of bed, washed and dressed, fed and watered, etc then you're coping. We usually don't let our sadness show in public as others can't cope with it.
'Don't cry out loud,' as Elkie Brooks once sang. We carry our sadness inside. We never forget. flowers

hondagirl Fri 25-Oct-19 06:24:15

I agree, you do need to go through the process of grief. I myself lost my husband about 6 months ago. Since then I have been to spend time with my daughter and have just returned from a long holiday to visit my son. I found I was mostly fine, but my grief was much worse when I returned home, as I think the visits only shelved it. Some days I am ok, if keeping busy but other days the grief just hits me out of nowhere and I just spend the day crying. I think Marmight is right about the parallel universe. I couldn't think how to describe it before but that is what it was like for me and now I am slowly coming to be aware of the reality of my situation. Don't feel bad about grieving, I think it would be unhealthy to try to suppress it. Nobody expects you to be ok, well certainly not on here anyway. I don't think we ever get over it, but we will eventually may be able to move forward with it.

debohunXL5 Wed 30-Oct-19 14:58:07

I lost my daughter over two years ago but I still cannot move on. It is the guilt I feel that I was unable to carry out her wishes regarding her children. I have lost them too. A relative has suggested going to a psychic but I am too afraid that my daughter will come through and she would be very unhappy. I used to think there was life after death but now I hope she cannot see what has gone on since her death. I am sorry for what you are going through but can offer no advice sometimes her loss hits me so suddenly and out of the blue that I just cry and this will be in front of work colleagues. It doesn't take much to start me off. I think there is no uniform way to grieve it is very individual I hope it will a little easier for you as time passes. Take care of yourself. flowers

Marmight Wed 30-Oct-19 17:21:47

This is one of the quotes I kept after DH died :

Quesera Fri 01-Nov-19 17:21:37

I really feel for you. I lost my husband totally unexpectedly at the end of January - he went out on a cycle ride with friends and never came home again, heart attack. My ploy is to keep as busy as I can so half-terms, weekends and holidays can be tricky. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that you have some days which are worse than others, today being one, and to accept that it’s going to be like this for a while and be kind to yourself because after all, we have a lot to get used to.

Deedaa Sat 09-Nov-19 22:18:33

Oddly enough the thing that helped me most was going to see DH's consultant shortly after the died and just hugging. He was the person who had been with us almost every step of the way and knew exactly how I felt. No words necessary, just a hug. If I'm lying awake at night it does help if I remember how well looked after he was.

anniezzz09 Sun 10-Nov-19 02:06:57

Very sad *nanabas', grieving takes time. Have you heard of Death Cafes? There are a couple near me, people meet monthly to talk about death, sometimes because they've suffered a bereavement, sometimes just to talk about death, the great taboo. There's a website, of course: www.deathcafe.com.

I'd also agree that Cruse is a wonderful organisation which offers income related bereavement counselling (it can be free) as well as courses and support groups.

annep1 Sun 10-Nov-19 08:26:50

Marmight thank you for sharing.

Witzend Sun 10-Nov-19 08:34:02

I have no words, except to say that my heart goes out to you, Nanabas. xx 💐💐💐

annsixty Sun 10-Nov-19 08:40:43

Nearly 7 months since my H died.
It wasn’t sudden, it was expected and he was 83, a “ very good age’ I was frequently told.
It makes not a scrap of difference.
I am grieving more now than I did in those first weeks when I was relieved his torment with his Alzheimer’s was over.
Christmas is looming and I am dreading it, I just want it over.
I send kindest thoughts to all of you.

Hetty58 Sun 10-Nov-19 08:56:03

I was widowed when my kids were 7, 10, 15 and 17. Looking back, I realise that I put myself under immense pressure to be strong, cope well and carry on.

I never allowed myself to cry in company. I cried silently in the shower instead (I took a lot of showers). Pride prevented me from showing emotion.

One day, feeling a bit emotional and wobbly on my way to the shops, I saw a neighbour coming towards me in the distance. I felt panic, thinking I might just fall apart if he spoke to me. I hid behind the bus stop until he'd gone!

Years later, my son said that the worst part of losing his dad was that he lost me too. I had turned into a robot, a blank, unfeeling machine that just looked like his mum! I was determined to be excellent at this 'coping well' image - all utterly ridiculous!