I thought this year would be easier.

Kathsue, that was a horrible thing for the man in charge at the Samaritans to do! Many people with mental illnesses are great at understanding others' feelings. I hope the Samaritans in recent years are wiser about who is suited to be a Samaritan.

I wish I had known your daughter.

The sun is shining today and I feel much better. Yesterday is also the shortest day of the year and I always that once the 21st is over I can start moving forward again.
There is a book of remembrance in the chapel which is open one day at a time so I can only see her name in it on the 21st. I did that yesterday and hung a card on the memory tree then went down to see the rose bush planted for her. DGS was going to cinema with friends so didn't want to come and that's fine.
The only close family left are my sister and her family but don't see them very often.
I am grateful forthe 24 yrs I had with DD.
Best wishes to you all x

I dread Christmas, Catherine would bring her children to my house Christmas Eve and sing carols at the front door, I listen to Midnight Mass and see her with me in church.

Christmas Day my son in law and three grandchildren will call in for half hour, she isn’t with them.

No Christmas tree because she use to decorate it every year since she was a child.

kathsue my younger daughter can’t have children , she will
never have the love and memories we have , so we have been
blessed x

This is the 17th Christmas since my youngest child died at the age of 25 yrs. Still miss him so much - although am very fortunate as I have five other children.
We all talk about him almost every time we meet up. Raise a glass to him on big family occasions, all of us have photos of him in our homes. (When I moved recently, the first photograph I put up in my new home was his). Only one of my g.children had been born when he died, (and he was a baby), but all them know so much about their Uncle G.
We stopped doing anything on the anniversary of his death, instead celebrate each year on his birthday. No graveyards for any of us - he was cremated and ashes just scattered in my old garden. Only want to remember his life - not his death. His colleagues did arrange for a bench to be put in the park near where he worked and we chose the wording of the plaque on it - and any of the family in that part of London still goes there and put a rose on this for him,.
The need to talk about him is still there, and we do.
Kathsue,do you have any other family who remembers your daughter? they are the ones to talk to. You are doing right by your g.son to let him know about his Mum - but visiting graves is not necessary at all. Could you make up a lovely photo album of your daughter to give to your g.son so he has this for the future?
There are good days and bad days, no matter how long it is since someone died. In our modern society nothing is worse than losing a child - it is all so wrong - I can remember saying (stupidly) to the policeman who came to tell us of his death that 'He can't be dead, I don't have any funeral arrangements for my children!!'.
If there are no close family or friends who have memories of your daughter, then do tell us on here all about her and we would be delighted to hear about her.

So good that you’ve all found each other to talk to

Anniebach I've followed your story on GN and felt your pain. I've wanted to offer comfort to you and others on here who have lost loved ones but I never could find the right words.
sara65 yes its the waste of a young life that really hurts
downtoearth thank you I will pm you later, my dog is waiting for her walk just now.

I am humbled by some of these posts. I do always try to remember to be so grateful for our little but healthy family.

My heartfelt best wishes to all you mothers out there this Christmas who were pre-deceased by their children - whether baby, young or adult child.
❤️?

I am pleased that you are feeling stronger today.

Hello * kathsue*
You and I share many similarities my daughters anniversary is jan 3rd,and will be 16 years,she too left me with a 4 year old,if you would like to chat about your daughter,I would be happy for you to PM.
I understand exactly where you are coming from
Big hugs xx

Many years ago I lost someone close to me in this way, and I still feel the sadness, and what a terrible waste it was.
Sometimes despite our best efforts, some people can’t be saved, so sad.

kathsue my beloved daughter took her life two years ago, no one speaks about her, I know how you feel x

Hi everyone. I'm feeling much stronger today. I do appreciate all the good things in my life now--my dog, the new friends I've met, my new house and great neighbours, my lovely DGS who is becoming a fantastic young man and of course Gransnet.
All in all my life is ticking along nicely but yesterday it just felt like I'd been hit with a sledgehammer and everything came crashing down on me. I'm grateful to you all for your support.

There must be many people enduring anniversaries just now, and they are always a trigger for people who are grieving, plus the added jollity at this time of year makes it all seem even worse.
It isn't about feeling sorry for oneself, it is about genuine pain.
I'm sad for everyone who is suffering in this way.

Unfortunately Kath, I have heard something similar about the Samaritans. I suppose like all big organisations, they are a mixed bag. It's worth a try though maybe?

kathsue, I think your GS shouldn't have to go to the cemetery if he doesn't want to. I'm sure that you don't want him to do it just out of guilt or duty.

We are all very different. Some people find rituals and memorials a great comfort. Some just find no meaning at all. Others (myself included) actively avoid them and find it all far more upsetting than useful. Everyone should be free to grieve in their own way.

Special days, birthdays, anniversaries, celebrations - all are tinged with sadness in grief. I have a whole new appreciation of normal 'ordinary' days. The usual dog walks, shopping etc. are such happy times.

Maw's poem says it all. We expect far too much of ourselves - so be kind to yourself instead.

Your post is so sad Kathsue, and especially poignant because you feel you have no one to share your memories with.

Your daughter sounds like a lovely girl, such a tragedy for you

Your memories are your treasured thoughts. Keep her in your heart and that will always keep her alive. My sister finds this time of year hard as her son took his own life at 22. She doesn’t say much but I know it’s hard for her I try to include her in all our family get together but I know that’s the least I can do. You take care x

This time of year is so difficult when you are grieving it doesn’t matter how many years and for whatever reason some anniversaries are better or worse than other years.

My son died on 17th Dec and his funeral was the 21st. I had 2 other children that year that I still tried to give some kind of Christmas Day to, myself and the other adults in the family just tried to get through the day.

I will spend Christmas this year with my two surviving daughters and grandchildren and will enjoy it , it is 35 years since my son died he was nearly 5. I still find the anniversary very sad and think of him with love and longing.

I hope your anniversary day is not too hard, I send you loving thoughts and wishes.

I'm so glad you're feeling a little better.

Sleep tight x

It's been lovely to talk about her MissA It's so easy to remember the bad things and forget what a great person she was.
You're so right Luckygirl .I would have done anything to make her better. Thank you for your support , it's kind of you as I know you have your own problems.
Off to bed now. Need a good night's sleep to face tomorrow.

It's lovely to hear about your daughter, kathsue; she obviously had a huge amount of empathy for people.

How sad that she was stopped from doing what she wanted.

As you say, it was the way it was said.

That must feel so harsh kathsue - a memory that is hard to shed. What a lovely girl she must have been to want to help others in the way that she did. You must be very proud of her.

Mental illness is so very cruel, both for the sufferer and for those around them. It is so hard to help someone who is so ill - and loved ones feel powerless - a dreadful situation to be in, when we just want to make things better for those we love.

We will all be walking beside you tomorrow - you will be much in my thoughts. People do not mean to be dismissive when they do not talk about her - they are trying to be kind to you as they do not want to remind you of the sadness - but of course, you do not need reminding - it is part of who you are.

Remember her with pride tomorrow.

I'm feeling better now. It's helped to share things. Thank you for the poem maw those words are so true.
Thank you all for your kind words.
inkcog I was seeing a counsellor up to 6 months ago when we felt I was able to cope on my own. I missed it at first but I've been feeling much stronger until today. About the Samaritans--my DD always wanted to help other people, she did voluntary work with pregnant teenagers (school age), befriending and other things. She wanted to be a Samaritan and did the training. She seemed to be getting on well and making friends with the others on the course. After about 5/6 weeks the man in charge told her they thought she wasn't suitable because she was "emotionally unstable". She didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to the others on the course. She was gutted . Maybe they were right but they could have been kinder.

kathsue Please be aware that anything you share here on this Forum can be re-posted by Gransnet on Facebook and other Social media. Nothing is private. not even grief for a lost child.

I’m so sorry, Kathsue.