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Bereavement

I thought this year would be easier.

(40 Posts)
kathsue Fri 20-Dec-19 20:10:17

Tomorrow is the 13th anniversary of my daughter's death. I thought I was doing so well this Christmas: I've been keeping busy and been to a few Xmas meals and get-togethers and enjoying them although tomorrow is always in the back of my mind and so many memories keep coming back.

Today everything has just gone downhill. I can't concentrate on anything, my driving is terrible (I just had a near miss on a busy roundabout). I feel so down, I can't see the keyboard for tears, there's no-one really who remembers her to talk to, I don't want to upset anyone else .

I know many others are grieving at this time and I'm just feeling sorry for myself but I had to tell someone.

Gymstagran Fri 20-Dec-19 20:19:21

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm not sure it would ever get easier. Be kind to yourself and always know you can share on here. 💐

Luckygirl Fri 20-Dec-19 20:19:58

I never knew your DD, but would love to hear about her. smile

Smileless2012 Fri 20-Dec-19 20:23:14

You're not feeling sorry for yourself, you're grieving kathsue.

You are doing well and for the last 13 years you've been doing well. Now you've posted here and and found a place to share, post again.

All we can do is listen, but sometimes that's all that someone needs. flowers

kathsue Fri 20-Dec-19 20:31:51

Thank you all for your replies. Luckygirl that made me cry again, but in a better way. Nobody asks about her. She was very popular, always gave 110% into anything she was interested in. She could have done so much with her life but in the end her anxieties and mental illness led her to end it.

Hetty58 Fri 20-Dec-19 20:32:04

Kathsue, you need to talk about her. Resisting to avoid upsetting others is an added strain, as is expecting yourself to 'do well'. I'd really like to know about her too.

The feelings don't disappear (why should they) but we become more used to them and find ways to cope a little better, that's all. Sending you love flowers

inkcog Fri 20-Dec-19 20:33:59

You are absolutely not feeling sorry for yourself. Is there somebody you can talk to?

inkcog Fri 20-Dec-19 20:35:09

Don't forget about The Samaritans.

Urmstongran Fri 20-Dec-19 20:39:27

Bless you kathsue your daughter sounded a lovely person. You must miss her terribly. I cannot even imagine what you must be suffering. I’m truly sorry for your loss and anguish. x

Carillion01 Fri 20-Dec-19 20:40:19

Kathsue you have done well to have the strength to post when you've had a very difficult day. Don't stop posting. People care. Sending positive support and thoughts. Xx

MawB Fri 20-Dec-19 20:41:37

My sincerest sympathies kathsue
I still weep for my baby boy who lived for only 24 days 46 years ago and since my DH died two years ago, I weep alone. Nobody can share the loss of a child except the other parent whether that life was long or short - either way it is not what we expect to have to do, bury a child.
You are being entirely normal, let yourself grieve as the memories flood back

“To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is not to die”

kathsue Fri 20-Dec-19 20:45:20

Thank you Hetty. Another thing that is upsetting me is that my GS doesn't come with me to take flowers to the cemetery. He used to when he was little but the last couple of years he hasn't wanted to. He was only 4 when his mum died and he doesn't really remember much about her although I do try to keep her memory alive by telling him stories about her when the chance arises. I don't know whether to mention what day it is tomorrow to him or just leave it.

Urmstongran Fri 20-Dec-19 20:47:32

Beautiful Maw I’ve shared those words with a friend with whom I had lunch today. She is struggling after the death of her husband in spring.

Urmstongran Fri 20-Dec-19 20:50:31

Ah he was only a baby really when his mum died - so he’s what now kathsue ... 17y? Maybe it’s a teenage thing plus embarrassment.

I’d tell him you’re going and then it’s up to him. Sadly (for you) you have more memory of your darling girl.

Hetty58 Fri 20-Dec-19 21:07:27

Nobody asks about her for that same reason, Kathsue, they don't want to upset you (or see you upset). People crossed the road to avoid talking to me at all!

SueDonim Fri 20-Dec-19 21:19:25

I’m so sorry, Kathsue. flowers

BradfordLass72 Fri 20-Dec-19 22:03:57

kathsue Please be aware that anything you share here on this Forum can be re-posted by Gransnet on Facebook and other Social media. Nothing is private. sad not even grief for a lost child.

kathsue Fri 20-Dec-19 22:07:54

I'm feeling better now. It's helped to share things. Thank you for the poem maw those words are so true.
Thank you all for your kind words.
inkcog I was seeing a counsellor up to 6 months ago when we felt I was able to cope on my own. I missed it at first but I've been feeling much stronger until today. About the Samaritans--my DD always wanted to help other people, she did voluntary work with pregnant teenagers (school age), befriending and other things. She wanted to be a Samaritan and did the training. She seemed to be getting on well and making friends with the others on the course. After about 5/6 weeks the man in charge told her they thought she wasn't suitable because she was "emotionally unstable". She didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to the others on the course. She was gutted . Maybe they were right but they could have been kinder.

Luckygirl Fri 20-Dec-19 22:34:08

That must feel so harsh kathsue - a memory that is hard to shed. What a lovely girl she must have been to want to help others in the way that she did. You must be very proud of her.

Mental illness is so very cruel, both for the sufferer and for those around them. It is so hard to help someone who is so ill - and loved ones feel powerless - a dreadful situation to be in, when we just want to make things better for those we love.

We will all be walking beside you tomorrow - you will be much in my thoughts. People do not mean to be dismissive when they do not talk about her - they are trying to be kind to you as they do not want to remind you of the sadness - but of course, you do not need reminding - it is part of who you are.

Remember her with pride tomorrow. flowers

MissAdventure Fri 20-Dec-19 22:35:24

It's lovely to hear about your daughter, kathsue; she obviously had a huge amount of empathy for people.

How sad that she was stopped from doing what she wanted.

As you say, it was the way it was said.

kathsue Fri 20-Dec-19 23:03:32

It's been lovely to talk about her MissA It's so easy to remember the bad things and forget what a great person she was.
You're so right Luckygirl .I would have done anything to make her better. Thank you for your support , it's kind of you as I know you have your own problems.
Off to bed now. Need a good night's sleep to face tomorrow.

MissAdventure Fri 20-Dec-19 23:04:53

smile
I'm so glad you're feeling a little better.

Sleep tight x

TwiceAsNice Sat 21-Dec-19 08:04:46

This time of year is so difficult when you are grieving it doesn’t matter how many years and for whatever reason some anniversaries are better or worse than other years.

My son died on 17th Dec and his funeral was the 21st. I had 2 other children that year that I still tried to give some kind of Christmas Day to, myself and the other adults in the family just tried to get through the day.

I will spend Christmas this year with my two surviving daughters and grandchildren and will enjoy it , it is 35 years since my son died he was nearly 5. I still find the anniversary very sad and think of him with love and longing.

I hope your anniversary day is not too hard, I send you loving thoughts and wishes.

Harris27 Sat 21-Dec-19 08:09:14

Your memories are your treasured thoughts. Keep her in your heart and that will always keep her alive. My sister finds this time of year hard as her son took his own life at 22. She doesn’t say much but I know it’s hard for her I try to include her in all our family get together but I know that’s the least I can do. You take care x

Sara65 Sat 21-Dec-19 08:53:03

Your post is so sad Kathsue, and especially poignant because you feel you have no one to share your memories with.

Your daughter sounds like a lovely girl, such a tragedy for you