Mum died tonight. Should I feel guilty?

pollyj
I spent a long time with her yesterday, holding her hand and sitting with her, though she could barely know I was there
Rest assured your mother KNEW you were there. I've sat with many people dying and they know so take comfort from the fact you did your best. Nothing to feel guilty for x

Hello Sweetpea. I'm sorry to read your post Losing your mother is a huge loss and you are in shock at the moment.

It would help to start a new post with the gist of what you've posted here asking for suggestions of how you can get through the next days and weeks. You have been a tireless carer for your DH and there is a limit to what you can physically do.

My suggestion would be to see if you can find a carer for your DH, so you may go to your mother's funeral, see her laid to rest and begin your grieving. Take care.

My 93 year old mother passed away friday night in hospital. I had not seen her for about 3 years even though there was never any problems with us i couldnt get to see her as i am my husbands carer 24/7 and she was on the other side of london which would have meant a journey of 3 trains and 2 buses with husband in wheelchair i struggle enough just pushing him around locally being very petite.my brother had been keeping me informed on everything. My manipulative step sister who took total control over my mothers finances has started the spiteful comments already saying that i never phoned my mother which is untrue iwas always ringing her regulary and we have always attended when she was hospitalised before and at one point i was her carer. My problem is i dont think its sunk it yet that shes gone i just feel blank obviously its broke my heart i didnt get to see her its an awful situation .God knows what i can do about the funeral we have no vechile .one of my sons has but he lives out in the sticks.i know where the funeral will take place but its such a long journey .any advice would be grateley appretiated

I think people prefer to die privately, if they've been a keeping themselves to themselves sort of person.

It's natural to feel guilty that you weren't there. You couldn't be there all the time though, that's impossible. The chances are that she wouldn't have known whether you were there or not anyway. So, it's not logical to feel that guilt. Let it pass and look after yourself really well now. XX

I am sorry for you. You should not feel guilty. Definitely not.

my mum died before i got there at the hospice.but i was there the evening before .she asked why we were all there ,and i replied because the nurse said you wasnt feeling too good. i gave her her tea of icecream ..and sat with her ,and generally was there with her.my brother and sister sat apart unable to see mum like this .she had ovarian cancer found too late...next morning my sister telephoned(she stayed over night)and i took my daughter home with me.think my niece went with my brother. 5 am call came please come. by the time i got there to crawley mum was gone to heaven.shock .but strangely i felt a weight lifted from me. as i cared for her a lot in the final weeks till macmillan stepped in.it was after about a month that grief hit me hard.i felyt like i was having heart attack. but was told later it was mum letting go.my sister felt the same at the same time. so no you dont have to feel guilty .you done all you could when you could. i'm sure she was grateful for having a lovely caring daughter like you.

I’m so sorry Polly but I tend to think that these things happen when they do for a reason. Maybe you weren’t meant to be there at the end? She will have known she was loved and you showed her that every time you were with her. Don’t feel guilty, please. Just take comfort in the fact that she was peaceful x

Thank you for this thread.

Just remember the happy memories put a star on the Christmas tree with their names on don’t be sad as part of the poem she is gone you can cry and close your mind be empty and turn your back. Or you can do what she would want smile open your eyes love and go on.

I was with my dad at the care home Christmas Eve he was very weak. I was very sad to see how frail he was I left him that evening and after I left he passed away . I too felt like you especially st Christmas. But everyone says don’t feel bad u helped him when he needed you most and now I remember the good times we shared. Sadly mum too passed away Christmas Eve following year!! Tonite I will light the candles st home and have a glass of wine. Remember we did our best for our lovely parents . Hope you have a good Christmas

? for you Pollyj with my sincere condolences.

So sorry Polly even when expected it’s a big shock and you will go through all sorts of pain and guilt even when none is needed
Sending a hug to you x

I was with both parents when they died. My father, aged 55 in hospital and my mother 10 or so years later with Alzheimers.

The care home called one Friday evening to say that Mum had taken a turn for the worst and the local curate had been in and said the prayers for the sick and dying. I went to the care home to see her and she was stable and stayed the night. I called my sister who came over the next day and we stayed with her for the following week. The care home staff were very kind and we took it in turn to sleep at night in the lounge. My Mum had had the disease for at least 10 years (early onset) My sister and I sat either side of the bed and just talked, about all sorts of things. Mum had pneumonia at this point and that was hard to deal with. The following Saturday my sister's husband drove over and she went out to see him. I was idly talking to Mum when I noticed that she'd changed colour. I said to her "Mum you've gone grey" and then noticed that there was no pulse. Her heart had just stopped.

As I left the care home, I felt as though a great weight had been lifted from me - a physical feeling. I had been grieving for her gradual loss for many years and when she actually died there was no more grief.

In the early stages she used to get the train up to London and I would meet her at Fenchurch Street. We would go around the shops, have lunch, maybe a museum, once it was the St David's Day concert at the Albert Hall. She was Welsh and she liked to sing. I remember walking round M & S with Mum, seeing older women with their mothers, enjoying themselves together, and feeling sad that that would never be me.

My father was different. He had cancer and was meant to be at home with my Mother and sister with the aid of MacMillan Nurses. However, his GP sent him back to hospital (UCH) where the staff were very kind. The whole family arrived and they gave us the use of a sitting room to camp in and we all lived, on and off, in the hospital.

It's very difficult to forget these last images of my parents and I have to work hard to remember them as I really knew them.

My mother died 11 years ago after all of us [her 3 adult children] had visited her at different times over the weekend. We all had good news to tell her so she thought we were all going to be ok in our different ways.
She died on the Monday morning. I felt I had done all I could have done really as she had often wanted to be left alone when she was so tired and not feeling great. She knew I loved her.
She was also a private person and would always try to protect our feelings. I would also want to have my dying moments on my own.
So you have nothing to feel guilty about OP. As others have said, many die when they feel able to let go in their own time when the room is quiet and calm.

It's a common habit of dead people to make us feel guilty.

Polly I'm so very sorry for the loss of your dear mum. I think we all feel guilt if we were not there when someone very dear to us dies. I know I felt very guilty when my mum and dad died alone, even though I had been there the day before.
Those feelings do get easier as time passes and happy memories come to the fore.
Love and hugs to you x

So sorry for your loss Pollyj. Don't feel guilty, but it is a very natural emotion we experience along with regret and 'what ifs' during the grieving process.

I believe a lot of parents like to slip away when we aren't there, I agree with Philippa60. My husband spent six months at his Dad's bedside and was in danger of losing his job so had to come home. The night he returned, at 3 am in the morning, he got the call. I was so frightened for him, he was absolutely exhausted but just dashed out of bed and made the 250 mile return trip Be prepared to dream about your Mum, I hope they are happy dreams xx

I think guilt always raises its head. I’ve decided it is part of grieving. Even when our elderly dog died I still felt dreadful guilt and still do but it eases. Same with my parents. Lots of what ifs. Allow yourself time. It always seems much worse at the Christmas time. My dad also died a week before Christmas years ago.

Monica is so right, your relatives come back for you. My completely rational father started talking to my late mother, despite being due for discharge the next day. He said she was sitting on the end of his bed. He died that night, the hospital were very shocked (and unfortunately even tried to resuscitate him) but she came for him.

I can tell you that you have nothing to feel guilty about, but of course you will, it is part of grieving, along with shock, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance, which is growing around your grief. Many people opt to go when their loved ones are out of the room anyway. You have my really heartfelt sympathy, and I hope you will have the support of your family and can talk together. Feelings of relief that the suffering is over are completely normal too. Lots of love, and look after yourself. x

Monica is so right, your relatives come back for you. My completely rational father started talking to my late mother, despite being due for discharge the next day. He said she was sitting on the end of his bed. He died that night, the hospital were very shocked (and unfortunately even tried to resuscitate him) but she came for him.

I can tell you that you have nothing to feel guilty about, but of course you will, it is part of grieving, along with shock, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance, which is growing around your grief. Many people opt to go when their loved ones are out of the room anyway. You have my really heartfelt sympathy, and I hope you will have the support of your family and can talk together. Feelings of relief that the suffering is over are completely normal too. Lots of love, and look after yourself. x

You visited her on a regular basis, she was 96 and frail. There is no way that you should feel guilty. She was in a warm and comfortable bed and was looked after.
She may have preferred you not to have been there so that she could pass peacefully. Condolences, she'd reached the end of a long life so don't feel guilty.

What a lovely community this is. You have all helped so much by taking the time to respond. Thank you all.