Grieving a child

Anniebach I know exactly what you mean when you say you know your daughter is dead, but somehow can't quite believe it. My 22 year old son was killed 18 months ago, and I caught myself muttering, "I can't believe you're still dead" just the other day. I just want him back so badly. Nowhere near acceptance yet. Xx

I’ve read through all the comments and I would just like to say thank you for all the grans who have come here who have not lost a child. There was reference to starting a new group for bereaved mums, but I would like to say it’s good to have others nit in our situation to read and comment. Us bereaved mums have to hide our feelings and wear our masks daily, so it’s good to have others acknowledge our pain and that grief isn’t always hidden away. So thank you. ?

I came on this forum as I lost my 28 year old daughter in February this year. I read your post and immediately felt at last someone understands how I’m feeling. I’m so sorry that you lost your son and finding him must give you so many painful flashbacks.
My daughter had cancer for a short period of 7 months, discovered when she was expecting her first baby. What she had to go through mentally and physically was brutal and I don’t feel I’ll ever get over it. I can’t remember her without remembering her pain and her sadness and having to be strong for her now leaves me fallen apart, I’m completely broken, and heartbroken for her.

TwiceasNice , I’ve borrowed your poem ! My grandson died on March 2 a month after his 13th birthday ! The family is heartbroken !

Imperfect27

Dear Grandmax5

My heart goes out to you. I lost a daughter, nearly 15 years ago now - in very different circumstances as she was just 12 and died in a car crash, but loss is loss and I wanted to be in touch.

I am so very sorry - the loss of a child, no matter what age is still so very out of the natural order of things. Like me, you lost your child unexpectedly and in traumatic circumstances. You must have had such a tremendous shock to have found him.

When trauma like his happens, even if we were not present at the time of death, I believe we may suffer post traumatic stress disorder as a result.

I think two years plus is a very significant time in the grieving process. I think the second year for me was so much harder than the first.

It seems to me that we are driven / carried along by the shock of what has happened and having to navigate all the first-time round anniversaries in year one, constantly having to steel ourselves and try to be brave and consider others in the family and then it comes home to us that this isn't just about one year, it is about forever and that second year seems to painfully underscore that in every way.

I just wanted to say that the pain does ease. it just takes a lot longer than we might expect - perhaps because we work ourselves so hard to cope, especially when we are a mother /grandmother and have others to think of too. But the pain DOES ease.

I am so very sorry that you are feeling so bereft. I still have those days, all I can say is that the better ones in between become more frequent and that it is possible to get back to a place of feeling that you can manage your grief, give or take some understandable wobbles, rather than your grief managing you.

Fifteen years on (nearly) for me and I have learned that I carry my daughter with me in my heart for always. I have learned that I can smile and laugh at the good memories, more than cry and I have learned to not mind the worse times because to carry the wounds of having lost one so very dear, shows that the love was and still is there.

I haven't read through your messages and replies - I sometimes still need to be protective of how much grief I open myself up to - but I just wanted to reach out.

My daughter's name was Evelyn. One thing I am absolutely sure of is that she would want me to be happy and I can honestly say I have found happiness in life again. I hope that as another year turns for you that you will feel a gradual lessening of the dragging heartache that can be so very exhausting and that this year will mark a beginning of more positive times for you.

Very best wishes,

Janice

Janice,
So sorry for your loss. My daughter Katherine was 12 when she collapsed and died in Dec 2006 - so I’m on the same timeline as you.
I’d just like to say ditto to everything you’ve written.
The knowledge that my DD loved life & grabbed it with both hands kept us going - she’d have told us life is precious, to make the most of it & to learn to be happy again.
I miss her desperately, & wonder what would have happened the past 14.5 years had she still been here.
I wouldn’t have missed being her Mum for the world, it was a joy & a privilege.
Take care xxx

Dear Grandmax5

My heart goes out to you. I lost a daughter, nearly 15 years ago now - in very different circumstances as she was just 12 and died in a car crash, but loss is loss and I wanted to be in touch.

I am so very sorry - the loss of a child, no matter what age is still so very out of the natural order of things. Like me, you lost your child unexpectedly and in traumatic circumstances. You must have had such a tremendous shock to have found him.

When trauma like his happens, even if we were not present at the time of death, I believe we may suffer post traumatic stress disorder as a result.

I think two years plus is a very significant time in the grieving process. I think the second year for me was so much harder than the first.

It seems to me that we are driven / carried along by the shock of what has happened and having to navigate all the first-time round anniversaries in year one, constantly having to steel ourselves and try to be brave and consider others in the family and then it comes home to us that this isn't just about one year, it is about forever and that second year seems to painfully underscore that in every way.

I just wanted to say that the pain does ease. it just takes a lot longer than we might expect - perhaps because we work ourselves so hard to cope, especially when we are a mother /grandmother and have others to think of too. But the pain DOES ease.

I am so very sorry that you are feeling so bereft. I still have those days, all I can say is that the better ones in between become more frequent and that it is possible to get back to a place of feeling that you can manage your grief, give or take some understandable wobbles, rather than your grief managing you.

Fifteen years on (nearly) for me and I have learned that I carry my daughter with me in my heart for always. I have learned that I can smile and laugh at the good memories, more than cry and I have learned to not mind the worse times because to carry the wounds of having lost one so very dear, shows that the love was and still is there.

I haven't read through your messages and replies - I sometimes still need to be protective of how much grief I open myself up to - but I just wanted to reach out.

My daughter's name was Evelyn. One thing I am absolutely sure of is that she would want me to be happy and I can honestly say I have found happiness in life again. I hope that as another year turns for you that you will feel a gradual lessening of the dragging heartache that can be so very exhausting and that this year will mark a beginning of more positive times for you.

Very best wishes,

Janice

GrandmaX5 Hello my sincere apologies if my response at this late time upsets you. I lost my DD 47 year old coming up for2 years ago and I understand your feelings. Thus time heals is so hard to hear when people utter it albeit trying to console you. Today I am finding it so difficult as it is Mother's Day weekend here and two years ago on the celebratory weekend my DD came to tell me that after all the treatment she had gone through the cancer was back and she would be lucky to see her birthday in September. 3 weeks later she died. Whether it is known as inevitable or totally unexpected there does not seem to be a way to reconcile losing a child. My thoughts are with you.

MissA

Dear Miss Adventure what a terrible thing to do to you. I am so sorry. Sometimes people cannot cope with facing up to seeing you through troubles.
I do hope you have a friend that you can talk to about your loss.

My fiance ghosted me.
It was awful.

Ah, found it. I was looking on the wrong sort of page.

Thank you all again. I’ve tried starting a new discussion, even though the faq says there is a link at the top of the page I can’t see one.

I wondered if any of you have heard of “ghosting”, I googled my friend is ignoring me, this came up as a thing that has happened to lots of people.

Marketkat so sorry for your loss. Please don’t worry about ‘tagging on’ that is what this Thread is for. I hope you get support from other grans. Take care, one day at a time.

Thank you for your replies. I have a long complicated story with regards to family relationships, but I’m glad to read your advice and thoughts, they let’s me know I’m not going completely mad. X

I realise I tagged on to somebody else’s post so hope that was ok.

It is impossible for me to fully understand the heartbreak and suffering that those of you that have lost children have suffered, as I have not gone through it. No parent should have to cope with the death of a child. My heart goes out to you all. There are no words that I can say that will ease the pain, but your stories will remain with me.

Only just seen this thread. Some of you might find help from the Compassionate Friends, a charity set up for all who have lost a child at any age. They have specialised support for different groups too: cancer, suicide etc. It took me a long time to contact them but when I did I was glad I had. You can just look online, email them or talk to a local person. They have local meetings but we only went to one before lockdown. Now we all communicate by SM.

www.tcf.org.uk/

Thank you for your comments. They’re very helpful and comforting, it’s hard to carry this sorrow around with you everyday. Thanks again. X?

So sorry to hear of your loss, Marketkat. I do understand the loneliness you feel. I haven't had any 'advice' from anyone who doesn't understand so in that way I'm lucky.

Of course you will grieve every day and so you should. It's your grief and will always be a part of you now. I find it helps to hug it close some days and indulge in my thoughts and tears when the moment feels right.

Maybe some people fear that grief will define you and that's how they approach you. Prove them wrong, keep your chin up even though your heart is breaking. Be strong for your son who wouldn't want you to be unhappy. You don't need 'fixing' you just need time and don't be afraid to tell them.

A year is not long at all, Marketkat and of course you still grieve for your son, and always will.
I think that sadly, grief is a very lonely journey, and is different for everyone.
I’m very sorry for the loss of your son, and that you feel unsupported by those around you, and hope that you gradually find some peace.

And Grandmax5 you have found the right place to come for compassion, understanding and support.

I am touched by all the mums/ grandma’s who have posted here remembering the loved ones they still grieve for.
I have no words as I am lucky so far, but I have hugs and a rose for each of you ? ? . I am so very sorry.

My son died a year ago from cancer he was 30. Has anybody felt lonely as people move on with their lives, I feel incredibly alone at times. People seem to think I can just decide to be better, giving me advice on how to live again.
This is my first time here, I was looking for something that might help me understand why people who haven’t had this loss either decide you don’t need them or they can’t help you and others think they can “fix”, get you back to the person you were before. They don’t like it that I still grieve every day
Any replies welcome. Thank you.

So true, we have all lost a part of ourselves and we will always be their mum. What a privilege.

I’m so sorry for your loss. It is the worst grief as you lose a piece of yourself. My son died as a child not an adult so it is a little different but I still think of him every day and wonder who he would have become. I still cry about him when triggered . He died 36 years ago this year. You never forget you somehow find a way to live with it . Remember you will always be their mother and they will always be your child

Silverlining48 'where have all the flowers gone'. Oh my goodness. Remember the song? Not intended I know. Our precious children were indeed flowers. It will be 2 years in 3 months time since I lost my dear, funny, loving daughter. I miss her so much. She is never out of my thoughts. I just want to hold her.
I find it quite shocking that there are so many of us, and I guess we each must have our own way of living with it.
I will try to send sunshine for the love we have for our children.
Love and virtual hugs to you all.
Xxx