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Bereavement

Where do I start to grieve?

(16 Posts)
SallyB392 Sat 22-Feb-20 13:03:31

Throughout my lifetime I have lost lots of people; my 9 babies who didn't make it, my grandparents, my mother and my grandson.

I've also lost my family, and my daughter not to death but to family rifts that can't be mended.

I have mental health p problems, and on a number of occasions during my psych meetings, I'm told that part of my problems are linked to the fact that I have never grieved my losses. I don t know how, and it has reached the point where it is overtaking my life. I want to scream, to sob, but I cant, I don't know why.

Can anyone tell me how?

Marydoll Sat 22-Feb-20 13:06:56

Sally, what a heartbreaking post. I cannot offer you and , but I'm sure there will be many on here who can share their experiences with you. 💐

GrannyLaine Sat 22-Feb-20 13:11:41

SallyB392 I didn't want to skip past your post without commenting but I'm not sure that I have any useful advice for you. You have suffered so much loss that it must feel overwhelming and its good that you are getting help with your mental health. Have you had any specific bereavement counselling I wonder? It sounds as though you would benefit from looking at the process of grieving in all its many forms. I hope others here who are wiser than me will have more that is helpful to you.

Oopsadaisy3 Sat 22-Feb-20 13:17:24

I’m so sorry, I’m not all qualified but I couldn’t pass by without wishing you all the best and I hope that someone on Gransnet can help you flowers

crazyH Sat 22-Feb-20 13:20:53

Oh Sally, how sad.....
Try to mend your rift with your daughter, even if it means grovelling. Don't say it can't be mended....just try. There are sweet ladies here who are going through the same and will be of some support. I think some of us have difficult family relationships which we either put with, or just let go.
All I can do is send you some flowers

V3ra Sat 22-Feb-20 13:41:57

SallyB392 if you search "nhs uk grief after bereavement or loss" you find a webpage with lots of advice and links, that may help you.
You must feel so numb, I can't imagine, like you are functioning on autopilot.
Best wishes xx

52bright Sat 22-Feb-20 14:10:22

Dear SallyB392 I felt so sad for you when I read your post. My losses have not been as many or as devastating as yours but, like you, when I have experienced bereavement I find it impossible to cry, even for much loved and very close family members. I am fortunate in have a couple of very good friends though with whom I can share the terrible stages of grief from rage at loved ones awful fate to devastating numbness.

I don't know if this can help you in any way, but I find that trying not to internalise my grief as much as possible has been my best coping method. I hope there are people in your real life you can share with but I know many people don't have this. If you don't have that outlet or can't share in RL there are many on here willing to listen and talk things through with you. Many kind and thoughful people on the bereavement and estrangement threads will listen carefully and offer sympathy and wise advice regarding what has helped them cope. My best wishes to you flowers

Smileless2012 Sat 22-Feb-20 14:20:07

I don't know what to say Sally but wanted to respond anywayflowers

Hetty58 Sat 22-Feb-20 14:27:55

I don't see grieving as something that you actively do. It's more like something that gradually happens to you, as part of readjusting to new circumstances.

You say that you don't know how to grieve, as if there is a certain way of doing it. I don't think that applies. Everyone grieves in their own, individual way.

It's coping with loss and moving on. A focus on the past isn't always helpful. You can never change the past. Being involved in the present and looking forward to the future are vital.

So, seek help in coping with loss but, at the same time, make sure that you involve yourself in something, anything, meaningful to you.

SallyB392 Sat 22-Feb-20 14:29:02

I've tried apologising, grovelling and begging (I have never understood what I did, but that's not important), I've held out the olive branch so many times but she doesn't respond. I've suggested that we try to get counselling, but she refused.

She unfortunately inherited a faulty gene from me and is very severely physically disabled, and also has Aspergers so is very rigid.

When my grandson died (her nephew), having failed to manage to make contact in any other way, I had to text her to let her know, she's fallen out with her brother, Wills dad. She responded with one word 'and'?

lovebeigecardigans1955 Sat 22-Feb-20 14:31:34

Do you have any friends, Sally in whom you can confide? You don't feel quite so alone if you can share your feelings with others. Talking helps but I see you have meetings with a psychologist already. I expect that you don't want to feel a burden to others and put on a happy face.
I don't scream but sometimes having a good cry helps which is something I do sometimes when problems overwhelm me. It 'clears the air' and then I put my brave face back on. flowers Reading about other people's problems on here makes me feel grateful that my own situation isn't so bad.

rosecarmel Sat 22-Feb-20 15:08:08

That's a lot, Sally, to process- Here in the US they are moving towards using psychotropic drugs in a controlled environment to treat PTSD and it looks promising-

Feeling numb or in shock or both could make it difficult to grieve, because the mind and body kind of get stuck in a protective mode long after life changing events-

There's lots of videos online that can get one to start crying- Maybe once you start you won't be able to stop, is that maybe what could be holding you back?

AGAA4 Sat 22-Feb-20 15:39:35

Dear Sally! I am so sorry you are going through this. I have lost loved ones too and understand that sometimes you can get stuck in the grieving process and can stay angry and in pain. Be kind to yourself. When I was having a bad day I just told myself that is was one of those and tomorrow may be better. Have you read any books on bereavement? I found that helped as I could understand how I was feeling.

Talking helps too and you can always find kind people on GN who would like to make you feel better flowers /

Yehbutnobut Sat 22-Feb-20 15:51:43

Who told you that you have never grieved? It sounds to me as if you have and are still grieving. Only you know what you feel. Sometimes we hang on to these feelings and never complete the process.

Could that be you?

SallyB392 Mon 24-Feb-20 20:21:29

When I experience a loss, I go into care for everyone else mode, people sometimes think I show no emotion. I want to cry, I want to scream, and shout, but I can't, I think I am scared that if I start I won't be able to stop.

It's not just grieving after death, its grieving other kinds of losses. I struggle to express any form of emotion, its locked in. I tend to self harm instead, but never tell anyone.

I have lots of mental illness, and am heavily medicated, but I was the same before I went on to the heavy duty stuff.

anniezzz09 Mon 24-Feb-20 20:38:26

Sally, I hear you, I've lost lots of people in my life too and have suffered from what's called complicated grief. What finally helped me is something called EMDR. It's a treatment for PTSD and CPTSD (complicated Ptsd). It is scientifically validated and approved by NICE and its available on the NHS. Also privately of course!

If you're not sure or confident about asking your GP, I'd suggest contacting someone at MIND and asking for help. The organisation called CRUSE offers free bereavement counselling too. Don't give up, much is known now about the effects of trauma (and multiple deaths equals trauma) and you can be helped. Take care, Warmest wishes to you.