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Bereavement

I'm afraid I'm going to make a show of myself.

(25 Posts)
Ellylanes1 Sat 09-May-20 02:21:09

I haven't been able to visit my mum in her nursing home (alzheimers) since lockdown, a long time since she recognised me.
Recently she had a fall in her nursing home and was taken to hospital.
Tests showed a bleed in her brain due to the head injury.
Deep wound in her head had been glued, and a chest infection is being tret by intravenous antibiotics. Not a good situation.
I'm living alone, husband died 10 years ago and I'm struggling with this situation. I don't want to break down on the phone to my DC as they can't do anything in this horrific covid situation, what an awful time we are living in.
Sorry, just a rant.

fiorentina51 Sat 09-May-20 02:55:58

So sorry you are having to deal with this. Take care. 💐

sukie Sat 09-May-20 03:33:04

How distressing Ellylanes1, my heart goes out to you. These are such difficult times as so many struggle in so many ways while, like you, keeping it to themselves since no one can do anything to help. We are listening, rant away!

rosecarmel Sat 09-May-20 03:39:12

These are very difficult times emotionally .. you're not alone-

absent Sat 09-May-20 06:24:06

You can cry, grieve, break down, rant, be angry, despair – you can respond in any way that you do respond to what has happened to you poor mother. Your feelings are real and the sad circumstances are real. No one else has a right to tell you how you may feel in such a hard time – or, indeed, any time.

Chewbacca Sat 09-May-20 06:46:57

Your situation, and the circumstances leading to it, is almost exactly the same as my DIL's mum and granny Ellylanes1 and it sucks doesn't it? Visits to see her granny, just to wave through the window of the nursing home, were stopped some time ago because that seemed to cause even more upset and confusion. I can really empathise with your situation; it's horribly upsetting for everyone. Do you have a close and understanding friend that you can phone and have a howl to? And you always have here; so many of us in similar circumstances and you can vent your frustration, despair and anger without worry of upsetting us.

cornergran Sat 09-May-20 07:03:50

I’m so sorry ellylanes1, you’re right, covid makes an inevitably distressing situation so much worse. There’s always someone here to listen, please,don’t go through this alone.

mumofmadboys Sat 09-May-20 07:10:23

I dont think you should worry if you end up in tears talking to your children. I am sure they will understand and they will then hopefully offer you a bit more support. We are always here to listen too

Sark Sat 09-May-20 07:21:29

I am so sorry for you and hope you can talk to your children.
flowers

Brunette10 Sat 09-May-20 07:24:36

Ellylanes1 - how truly awful for you, if it makes you feel a tad better rant away. These are such difficult times for everyone but we are all here for you. Take care flowers

Furret Sat 09-May-20 08:10:27

I agree with those who say ‘let it all out’. Your children are able to understand I’m sure and would want you to talk to them. That’s what family is all about x

gillybob Sat 09-May-20 08:38:22

I’m so sorry for you Ellylanes1 these are just awful times .

flowers

bikergran Sat 09-May-20 08:43:53

Gransnet is always open for a chat.Chatting to somebody is better than not chatting at all. take care..

suziewoozie Sat 09-May-20 08:43:58

Of course you can cry , break down on the phone to your dc. They can cry with you, you will all feel bettor it. Your dm is in an awful situation - crying and being upset is the normal human response.

sodapop Sat 09-May-20 08:45:41

I'm sorry, that's awful for you Ellylanes1 I agree with momb you need the support of your family.

dogsmother Sat 09-May-20 08:46:18

I think it’s healthy too, it’s a human reaction please don’t be afraid to show your feelings it’s how others learn from us.

Teacheranne Sat 09-May-20 08:55:53

I understand totally being in a very similar situation but I found talking to my adult children really helpful, even though I cried.

My mum ( with AZ) had a fall which needed to be glued on the 22nd March. She was still living alone but it was obvious to us and to the doctors that she could not return home so after five weeks and a lot of discussion with various professionals, mum was discharged to a care home of our choice two weeks ago.

I have not seen mum in all that time, when my sister spoke to her, mum got very upset about why we were not visiting her, which then upset me.,

It's awful that thousands of elderly people are in care homes with no family visits, those with dementia have no understanding of what is going on. I worry about how long it will be before visits are allowed again - months I suspect.

Bathsheba Sat 09-May-20 09:07:41

Oh Ellylanes I am so sorry for what you're going through. These truly are such awful times and there are so many like you who are in desperate situations.

Please open up to your children, let them know how deeply this is affecting you. They are more than likely well aware of how you feel, but are afraid to mention it for fear of bringing on the tears.

Well let the tears come - crying is so cathartic and is a natural, healthy response to distressing situations. The good old British stiff upper lip really does us no favours at times like this.

Sending love and sincere wishes for your dear mother's recovery. flowers

Granny23 Sat 09-May-20 09:08:39

I am in a similar situation with DH having been ill in his care home (Now fully recovered). I tried to remain positive and cheerful during Skype Calls and short shouted conversations with my DDs when they delivered my food shopping, especially as the DGC were often present during these contacts. However, when I phoned DD1 late in the evening to tell her her Dad was ill, I lost it, broke down sobbing, etc. She calmed me down and later explained that she and her Sister had been very worried about me showing no emotion other than cheerful during calls. They had been thinking I had been drinking or popping happy pills!!!

Do talk to your children - they will want to support you during these difficult times.

PS: I wish to state that I have not touched a drop of alcohol since lockdown started, following my DM's advice of never drinking alone. Nor have I taken more than my regular 1 per day antidepressant. However, I do self medicate on Caffeine and Nicotine blush

Ellylanes1 Sat 09-May-20 10:16:06

Thankyou, all of you, I think the VE celebration yesterday got to me too.
I will open up to my DCS, I think we, as parents try to protect them, forgetting they are adults themselves.
There are many of us with troubles (I'm a lurker) and yes we all need a virtual shoulder at times.
Take care all of you

Daddima Sat 09-May-20 12:01:42

I confess I’ve been glad of the space to cry for the Bodach without my family constantly here ( which they were doing if I was a bit weepy).
If they happen to come upon me at a bad time, well and good, but phone and Whats App are fine.

DanniRae Sat 09-May-20 13:25:22

For you Ellylanesl - flowers
I am glad that you are feeling more positive today.
Best wishes from Danni x

Dixsy Wed 13-May-20 13:05:03

My mum is also in a nursing home with alzheimer's but fortunately for us although mum dosnt understand.. The home has introduced Skype and this is working very well.. They ring us 5 days a week and we are not sure mum is focusing on us but she recognizes our voices and talks back in her own way and sings and laughs with us. This has been a godsend through theses hard times.

lovebeigecardigans1955 Wed 13-May-20 13:11:02

You can rant on here as much as you like Elly we don't mind, this must be very distressing for you.

All our worries are magnified by this covid crisis. A virtual hug for you here.

adams007 Sun 23-Aug-20 09:37:03

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