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Life passing us all by

(9 Posts)
FridayIsComing Tue 25-Aug-20 23:57:30

Hi everyone,

I have come on here with a heavy heart. I am in my late twenties and love coming on here to take pearls of wisdom from posters that have lived and experienced life.
Tonight i come with a deep sense of sadness which has suddenly overwhelmed me out of the blue.
My MIL died a few months ago. She had a 7 year battle with cancer, i knew her for 5 of those years.
It was a difficult relationship but we made peace in the end. Life has not been easy since her parting. There has been an overwhelming need and pressure to become more active in my in laws lives. They are grieving. Sometimes i understand this but other times i just want to close my door and spend time with dh n lo. There are times wen i remember the difficult times i had with MIL and the family and it still hurts. But tonight i feel guilty and a sense of shame for not being able to just put them first.
I think life is passing me by. I spent so much time being angry or broken and hurt. So much of my energy and life wasted. I am not sure what i am asking. Just some words of wisdom on how to make the most of my life.

crazyH Wed 26-Aug-20 00:14:22

Oh my dear girl, you are too young to feel like this. I am a motherinlaw and I have an upand down relationship with my I sincerely hope they won't feel like you, when I pass on. No relationship is perfect. Live your life with your husband and little one. Don't dwell on the past. The main thing is you made peace with her before she died. I wish you well for the future. Concentrate on living happily, with the little family you are creating......Hopefully, a little brother or sister for your little one. Good luck !!!

V3ra Wed 26-Aug-20 00:36:38

Don't feel guilty or shame about any of it.
You're grieving as well and your responsibility now is to your husband, who has lost his mother, and your child, not the extended family. You three need time together. There will be time for the others later.

FridayIsComing Wed 26-Aug-20 08:37:12

Thank you for your kind words.
Sometimes i remember the hurt my mil caused and it angers me and other times i feel guilty for the pain and suffering she went through at the end. I remember she was a generous lady who struggled to watch a son she loved very much, marry someone she didnt approve of. I think how lonely she must be in her grave now. These thoughts consume me. I have never lost a loved one before. I dont know if this is grief.
My dh has gravitated towards his family. His father and unmarried sister hold onto LO and wait for LO to visit as it brightens their day. They dont really have anything else now mil has gone. Its difficult to not feel guilty for just wanting your own space as its selfish when in laws are suffering. Dh and i would love to have another LO. But because of my experince with his family so far, i would dare not. I refuse to open up a second can of worms.

Namsnanny Wed 26-Aug-20 11:19:44

How often do you visit the IL? I take it LO is your child?

Just try to remember this is just a phase and you will co.e out the other side soon enough.

For you husband I would expect it to take a while longer, and may have a lasting effect on him.

Try to be kind to yourself and him.
Both of you need time to re bond (get used to the new circumstances), so any happy time together should not make you feel guilty.

I would think of talking to a bereavement therapist to talk over your feelings, as they seem to hint at unresolved difficulties which are impacting on you and your husbands future (I'm thinking of your decision not to have another child particularly)

Good luck shamrock

Summerlove Wed 26-Aug-20 12:32:08

You sweet, kind girl.

If you are who I think you are, Please think about starting boundaries with your inlaws again soon. They will continue to try to take over your child while your partner gives in because “they are sad”.

Your grief is a credit to you and how kind you are, and how you’ve tried so hard.

I’m not saying cut out the inlaws, but to remember that your child is not an antidepressant. They are their own person, and I’d hate for them to feel their only goal is to cheer up relatives. It’s wildly unhealthy for your child and your inlaws.

Can you look into grief therapy with your partner?

FridayIsComing Wed 26-Aug-20 22:33:31

We visit together at least once a week for 3-4 hours. Dh and LO also visit for few hours a second time a week. They insist on having alone time with LO. This usually comes for dh sister. This adds pressure to my relationship with dh as i feel backed into a corner to allow LO to visit alone. LO is not two. I know my MIL has asked DH to be responsible and look after his sister and father. As his sister has no children of her own and is heading towards 40, she clings to LO. It is a messy situation. His sister talks of dreams she has of her mother which are centred around LO which prompts dh to increase visits. It is a very messy emotional situation. I see no way out other than to accept the situation or to leave my marriage.

FridayIsComing Wed 26-Aug-20 22:39:25

I have tried the therapy route but bring a typical man he refuses. I have sought counselling myself and it has been helpful. Main bit of advice was to focus on myself and my ambitions and hopes. I have done this and secured a better job and taken other steps towards becoming independent e.g. driving and further education- masters.

gt66 Thu 27-Aug-20 07:29:53

If you can try to be patient. Nothing lasts forever and over time (only a few months since MIL died, so very raw for them), you may well find that his visits start to lessen. I had something similar with my DH, when a member of his family was ill and he spent a lot of time dealing with them, while their immediate family seemed to do very little. It annoyed me at the time, but I kept quiet, as every time I mentioned it he was defensive, but over time when things settled down, the visits became further and further apart.