A explanation

I’ve had lots of support from many,many of you over the last almost four years of my daughter in laws terminal illness and death. I’ve often poured my heart out and you’ve been here for me and I’ve been so very grateful. Many of you have sent me private messages and I know I haven’t replied. In fact I haven’t opened them. Now I wish I knew a physiologist who could tell me why? This has happened to me once before. In my early 40’s I had a reactive depression and became really terrified of letters. I used to hide them. I’ve got a bit better but it never really went away. Now it’s come back but includes your messages of condolences. My only explanation is maybe it’s because I’ll have to face my own emotions. I’ve battened down my fear and sadness because I’ve had to for the sake of supporting my DiL through her illness and awful death, I can still hear her her cries of distress at the end of her life. I have the most awful flashbacks of the most distressing days I spent with her. It’s like nothing I’ve experienced before. I am just so upset for her. She wasn't ready to die, she’s not in a better place, she’s needed here for her children, for my son, my grandchildren. I feel as if her family have more right to distress than me. I will get better I’m sure and I will read your posts, so please don’t delete them. Actually I think even writing this means I’m almost there and when I can read them will mean I’m coming to terms with things.
For those of you who are still holding my lovely family close in your thought I’d like you to know that my son is doing amazingly well. He has bad days but his attitude is that his wife gave him four wonderful children and he is determined to raise them for her, keeping her love for them alive. The children are physically thriving. If you remember it was the youngest I worried about the most because she was the one that asked the most questions about her mummy’s illness and worried about how they’d cope without her. She’s coped much better than the two in the middle who are still struggling. My 22 old granddaughter has taken it on her self the responsibilities of looking out for her other nan and struggles with coping with her distress and is constantly told that it’s worse for her than the rest of the family. Of course it is but this wonderful young women has lost her mother and also needs time to grieve. I’m a coward and do nothing but listen and reassure her as best I can.
Please know I’m grateful for your condolences and don’t think too badly of me for not acknowledging your kindness.