Struggling today....

Thank you all so much for these helpful thoughts.

Luckygirl, as Kitty says, you did suffer and sacrifice an awful lot of yourself - caring for anyone whose personality is affected and changed by illness requires a great deal from the carer. We can be sucked dry by it - anger, resentment and even rage are a perfectly normal reaction to abnormal situations. Yes, we marry in sickness and health, but it would be quite nice to have a chunk of the health to balance it. You stood by him, and gave him the best you could - it is absolutely right to grieve for the loss of who you were too. If you don't set the bench mark of the loss now, how will you know when you have recovered? You can be as angry with him and his illness as you like now, it can't hurt him, he's at peace now - it will take nothing from him, but it will re build you.

One of the tenets of Buddhism ( put very simply) is the belief that all life is suffering and it is the resistance of this 'truth' which makes us unhappy. The premise is that when difficult feelings come to visit we should invite them in and 'ask' them what they have to tell us. Once we've listened they will leave. They might well come back many times, but they will always pass. In between these times there can be contentment and happiness.

Handling feelings involves acknowledging the weight of them before putting them down. That way you know what to expect next time you are forced to carry them for a time. That way we adapt to living with them, rather than through them.

I hope this makes sense and will hold some meaning in managing what must be a very difficult time. All my best. x

Luckygirl

I often had and still have times when I feel anger towards my husband, seems daft as he certainly did choose to die.

Accept the feelings of grief be they sorrow or anger or regret , I realised years ago at times my feelings were for me being left to cope x

It is an interesting insight and very helpful.

It is ok Lucky, because you DID suffer from the illnesses and your husband died!

Because somewhere in there you are also grieving for you - definitely - a very good observation. And it feels wrong to grieve for me - I am not the one who suffered his horrible illnesses and died. But it is the reality and I have to deal with that and believe it is OK, as you say Nell.

Luckygirl I remember you posting about the illness your oh suffered and his death, grief is felt differently by everyone it's still early days for you ,be kind to yourself .?

Good post nell

Luckygirl Because somewhere in there you are also grieving for you - which is totally, absolutely OK. It's the path to finding yourself again, and rebuilding, and finding some future peace in examining the difficulties of the past.

It's a mixed bag this stupid life.

Hoping today is a better day.

Thank you for the helpful posts.

I find it hard when everyone else whose partner has died seems to be remembering perfect relationships, not one, like mine, that was tainted with painful memories.

I know that the problems were induced by his life-long anxiety and the appalling effects his subsequent illness had on his mind as his brain was taken over by it. This went on for years, not just a few months. Finding good memories involves dredging back a very long way - the final year of complete physical incapacity and madness and accusations are etched on my brain. And it is a shrinking brain! I have to find room for some good memories.

Hetty58 my words depressing for a grieving newbie. What I wrote was from experience. And didn't write anything that I haven't experienced. Yes everyone grieves in their own way but if my words help just one person then why should I be criticised for it.

Glad you found happiness again. I have friends who went on to find new loves.

But for me my husband was my one and only. After he died I went to a bereavement group for 2 years. I went as my children thought it would help. It didn't. As everyone else was at least 25+ older than me and the counselor was married.

I have been ill since I was 29. Expected to die first . It was an awful shock that it was my fit healthy husband who was to die first. In agony from cancer.

Luckygirl feeling angry is all part of grieving. And any emotion you feel is not wrong. Took me a long time to realise that. Wish someone had told me that . But only someone who goes through it can understand.

Also I know what else you are coping with at the moment. It's no wonder you felt angry. Just take one day at a time.

Yes, LG, muster the 'good' things and cling to them as hard as you can. Good luck ??

I just want to send my love. Your right grief is a complexing and painful experience not being helped by not having our nearest and dearest close by. The deep sorrow scratching our very souls is hard to bear. I keep remembering the school half term was the start of our harrowing journey. The ‘first’ of any dates after a loss are, I hope the worst. I hope today is a little easier for you

Thank you for all the posts - and to those who pm'd me - I cannot reply at the moment as there is something wrong with the system - but I am am grateful.

I think that what was so hard yesterday was that I kept remembering the bad things - he was a sick man for a large chunk of his life and it influenced his behaviour for the worse - I coped with a lot of difficult behaviour from him that were not his fault - but were very hard to endure. Why did all that suddenly come back? Why did I feel so angry all day?

Complex thing grieving. Today I will try and remember the good things.

Could have written Whiff's contribution pretty much word for word. Heart wrenching stuff. Each year, on the anniversary of my husband's death, I go through the events blow by blow as they happened on the clock and it is quite awful. Oh, I've tried every trick in the book to avoid this but - no sirree. I just put it down to the high cost of having loved. And..... when it was good, it was VERY VERY good. So sad it ended far too soon for me. The

Whiff, everyone grieves in their own way. I agree that there's no time limit - but I found your comments somewhat alarming - and potentially depressing for a grief 'newbie'.

I spent 21 years with my second husband (half my life at the time) and was utterly devastated when he died. Still, I was much happier and in a new relationship after two years!

Luckygirl things will get better ,you don’t need anyone to tell you that the memories never go away, but they do soften eventually ,

Luckygirl what you feel is normal . It is still early days into your breavenment. I have been widowed for 17 years. The anniversary of my husband's death I was a useless blob for 14 years. Then my daughter found out by accident what it did to me. And told her brother. They both told me I should have told them . But they were still grieving themselves. As a mother no matter how old your children are you want to protect them. In this case against me. After that I made sure never to let it happen again. When my husband died my present and future died to. It's hard making a new present and future. It's hard making all the decisions when for 29 I had been part of a couple married nearly 23 years. Still feel half of me is missing. He was my one and only.

Doesn't matter if you are together a year or 50 if that person is the other half of you the loss is overwhelming. I was lucky we met when he was 18 and me 16. Still wear my wedding ring and go by Mrs to me I am still married. Even though classed as single. Which I hate.

I talk to my husband everyday and shout and swear at him. But it's my way if coping. I made him a lot of promises which I have kept. But would not promise to re marry. That I can never do. Nor have I looked for anyone else. Yes I am lonely but not because I am on my own. That I cope with and over the years learnt to enjoy that freedom. I am lonely for my husband. I still hate the empty bed and only sleep on my side.

As the years have gone by the loss doesn't lesson but you cope better with it. 2nd February he would have been 64 he died at 47. 3rd would have been the anniversary of our first date 46 years ago. And May would have been our 40th wedding anniversary.

Even to this day I can suddenly burst into tears and I hadn't been thinking about my husband. But just pull myself together.

I class early breavenment up to 10 years after your loved ones death.

There is no time limit on grief. Whatever you feel is right there is no wrong feeling. And cope anyway you can . I don't mean drugs or alcohol.
Took me 5 years before I could look at our wedding album.

Be kind yourself. And unfortunately you find out who your true friends and family are after their death.

Scream, shout , hit a pillow if that makes you feel better. Don't bottle your feels in. You need to let them out.

Hope this has helped in a little way. ??

So sorry LuckyGirl.......?...???????

The day will come when you can see your family. The weather today really doesn't help but spring isn't far away.
Keep posting here. Share your feelings with us.

Luckygirl Somedays it really feels like it isn't and you crawl through every minute wondering why you bother. All you can see is an overwhelming mess of awfulness and no way through it. It's your mind's way of telling you to step back, lick your wounds and heal. Life is often hard, for lots of people but it doesn't mean we can't reach out to each other when needed. It's what makes being human worthwhile.

That awful, all consuming darkness doesn't last, I promise. Just hang in there. It might not be quick, but it will be worth it. This current situation will change and get better, you will be able to be with your family again, and you will be able to hold the memory of your OH in your heart and find comfort from thinking of him.

You can even be ragingly angry at people like me sounding all glib if you like - if it helps, let rip. Just hang in there and give yourself a chance.

Life is so hard for so many. I can't help wondering if it is worth the effort some days.

luckygirl for you ?

ps ^^ should read It doesn't stop me falling apart.(not does)

Lucky I can feel your pain and sadness I reached that dreaded day last month 12mths since my wonderful man's funeral.
That day I took myself out in my car and drove to all the local places we used to visit came home and had a really good cry.
That day was the last day of "the firsts" I have gotten through birthday/anniversary/Xmas/the day I lost him so no more 1st.
It does stop me falling apart unexpectedly or crying in my sleep but hopefully things will get easier.
Sending you all my love
I would PM you but am unable to at the minute