Gransnet forums

Bereavement

Struggling today....

(38 Posts)
Luckygirl Fri 19-Feb-21 19:33:38

.......it is a year since my OH's funeral and I have been hopeless all day. The weather was just as awful on the day as it is today.

I am just a weepy heap today. I cannot find the interest or energy to do anything - it has been a wasted day really. If only I could be with my family.

I do not know when this will stop.

NellG Fri 19-Feb-21 19:41:10

I wish I could tell you when, all I know is that it will and one day it wont feel so bad. In the meantime you are allowed your feelings and no day is wasted. flowers

mokryna Fri 19-Feb-21 19:45:54

Thinking of you flowers

Hetty58 Fri 19-Feb-21 19:49:34

Luckygirl, the first birthday, Christmas, anniversary etc. is always the worst. It's OK to be a useless, weepy soul whenever it strikes, so allow yourself to be.

I used to go for a long walk as I found that calmed me down and lifted my mood, whatever the weather or time of day.

It's perfectly alright to do nothing all day. It's not a day 'wasted' and you don't have to 'make yourself useful' - as my mother would say.

All I can say to reassure you is that the pain will ease over time - so have patience with yourself - and do be kind to yourself too!

LucyW Fri 19-Feb-21 19:54:12

Thinking of you. It is so difficult. It will, I promise you, become easier. It will never be the same, it will be different but it will be bearable. It is two years since my lovely husband collapsed and died. No warning and only in his early fifties. I miss him so much and would give anything for one more minute with him but I know I have moved on from where I was a year ago. My thoughts are with you.

GrannyGravy13 Fri 19-Feb-21 20:17:15

thanks be gentle with yourself

kittylester Fri 19-Feb-21 20:25:13

Sending a huge (((hug))) lucky. I'm sorry, I have no words to help but sending you love.

Scribbles Fri 19-Feb-21 20:32:44

Oh, Luckygirl, I can only send you cyber hugs. I'm on the same journey as you and find it helps to simply accept my own mood and feelings.
If you spend a day or days as a weepy heap - so what? As GG13 says, be gentle with yourself. There is no right or wrong about grief. Undoubtedly, it will be easier when we can once again be close to and hug our children and the friends who loved our husbands but, right now, it would be extraordinary if you weren't hurting on such a day. My thoughts and love are with you.

Shandy57 Fri 19-Feb-21 20:46:35

So sorry Luckygirl, big hugs xx I remember how terrible I felt on the lead up to my husband's first anniversary, five years for me in May. It's not just missing them, it's what they are missing, and I haven't kept up the memory book I started. It does become less painful, in time. Remember to be kind to yourself, you are doing very well, keep putting one foot in front of the other xx

dustyangel Fri 19-Feb-21 20:46:50

Thinking of you Luckyflowers

Anniebach Fri 19-Feb-21 21:11:58

Luckygirl your feelings are to be expected, it does ease, you
will laugh again.

Please be assured I so understand and with some hesitation I will say - my husband died 45 years ago next week , we were
married 8 years. Hold onto the time you had together, the joy
you shared, you will weep, you will feel lost allow yourself the
tears .

Sending you hugs and love x

Pantglas2 Fri 19-Feb-21 21:25:01

💐 for all going through this pain - I don’t doubt there are times when you’re overwhelmed no matter when you lost your beloved x

Bathsheba Fri 19-Feb-21 21:28:11

Luckygirl flowers for you.

glammanana Fri 19-Feb-21 21:34:05

Lucky I can feel your pain and sadness I reached that dreaded day last month 12mths since my wonderful man's funeral.
That day I took myself out in my car and drove to all the local places we used to visit came home and had a really good cry.
That day was the last day of "the firsts" I have gotten through birthday/anniversary/Xmas/the day I lost him so no more 1st.
It does stop me falling apart unexpectedly or crying in my sleep but hopefully things will get easier.
Sending you all my love flowers
I would PM you but am unable to at the minute

glammanana Fri 19-Feb-21 21:35:48

ps ^^ should read It doesn't stop me falling apart.(not does)

brook2704 Fri 19-Feb-21 21:44:04

luckygirl for you 💐

Luckygirl Fri 19-Feb-21 23:02:55

Life is so hard for so many. I can't help wondering if it is worth the effort some days.

NellG Fri 19-Feb-21 23:24:27

Luckygirl Somedays it really feels like it isn't and you crawl through every minute wondering why you bother. All you can see is an overwhelming mess of awfulness and no way through it. It's your mind's way of telling you to step back, lick your wounds and heal. Life is often hard, for lots of people but it doesn't mean we can't reach out to each other when needed. It's what makes being human worthwhile.

That awful, all consuming darkness doesn't last, I promise. Just hang in there. It might not be quick, but it will be worth it. This current situation will change and get better, you will be able to be with your family again, and you will be able to hold the memory of your OH in your heart and find comfort from thinking of him.

You can even be ragingly angry at people like me sounding all glib if you like - if it helps, let rip. Just hang in there and give yourself a chance.

muse Fri 19-Feb-21 23:43:37

The day will come when you can see your family. The weather today really doesn't help but spring isn't far away. sunshine
Keep posting here. Share your feelings with us.

Shinamae Fri 19-Feb-21 23:51:57

So sorry LuckyGirl.......😢...🌹🌹🥀🥀💐💐💐

Whiff Sat 20-Feb-21 08:41:29

Luckygirl what you feel is normal . It is still early days into your breavenment. I have been widowed for 17 years. The anniversary of my husband's death I was a useless blob for 14 years. Then my daughter found out by accident what it did to me. And told her brother. They both told me I should have told them . But they were still grieving themselves. As a mother no matter how old your children are you want to protect them. In this case against me. After that I made sure never to let it happen again. When my husband died my present and future died to. It's hard making a new present and future. It's hard making all the decisions when for 29 I had been part of a couple married nearly 23 years. Still feel half of me is missing. He was my one and only.

Doesn't matter if you are together a year or 50 if that person is the other half of you the loss is overwhelming. I was lucky we met when he was 18 and me 16. Still wear my wedding ring and go by Mrs to me I am still married. Even though classed as single. Which I hate.

I talk to my husband everyday and shout and swear at him. But it's my way if coping. I made him a lot of promises which I have kept. But would not promise to re marry. That I can never do. Nor have I looked for anyone else. Yes I am lonely but not because I am on my own. That I cope with and over the years learnt to enjoy that freedom. I am lonely for my husband. I still hate the empty bed and only sleep on my side.

As the years have gone by the loss doesn't lesson but you cope better with it. 2nd February he would have been 64 he died at 47. 3rd would have been the anniversary of our first date 46 years ago. And May would have been our 40th wedding anniversary.

Even to this day I can suddenly burst into tears and I hadn't been thinking about my husband. But just pull myself together.

I class early breavenment up to 10 years after your loved ones death.

There is no time limit on grief. Whatever you feel is right there is no wrong feeling. And cope anyway you can . I don't mean drugs or alcohol.
Took me 5 years before I could look at our wedding album.

Be kind yourself. And unfortunately you find out who your true friends and family are after their death.

Scream, shout , hit a pillow if that makes you feel better. Don't bottle your feels in. You need to let them out.

Hope this has helped in a little way. 💐💐

aggie Sat 20-Feb-21 08:49:39

Luckygirl things will get better ,you don’t need anyone to tell you that the memories never go away, but they do soften eventually ,
flowers

Hetty58 Sat 20-Feb-21 08:53:24

Whiff, everyone grieves in their own way. I agree that there's no time limit - but I found your comments somewhat alarming - and potentially depressing for a grief 'newbie'.

I spent 21 years with my second husband (half my life at the time) and was utterly devastated when he died. Still, I was much happier and in a new relationship after two years!

Kim19 Sat 20-Feb-21 08:57:23

Could have written Whiff's contribution pretty much word for word. Heart wrenching stuff. Each year, on the anniversary of my husband's death, I go through the events blow by blow as they happened on the clock and it is quite awful. Oh, I've tried every trick in the book to avoid this but - no sirree. I just put it down to the high cost of having loved. And..... when it was good, it was VERY VERY good. So sad it ended far too soon for me. The

Luckygirl Sat 20-Feb-21 09:30:31

Thank you for all the posts - and to those who pm'd me - I cannot reply at the moment as there is something wrong with the system - but I am am grateful.

I think that what was so hard yesterday was that I kept remembering the bad things - he was a sick man for a large chunk of his life and it influenced his behaviour for the worse - I coped with a lot of difficult behaviour from him that were not his fault - but were very hard to endure. Why did all that suddenly come back? Why did I feel so angry all day?

Complex thing grieving. Today I will try and remember the good things.