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Bereavement

Dreamt about my dead father

(10 Posts)
Artaylar Sun 14-Mar-21 19:16:19

My 87 yo Dad died suddenly last July. Its been a very tough time since, and I miss him everyday though I'm mostly on an emotional even keel day to day now. The tears tend to come at night after DH has gone to bed.

Last night I had a dream about Dad. I saw him in a crowd with his partner (who is still alive). I pushed through the crowd and managed to catch up with him. He turned to look at me but said he had to keep moving and that he couldnt stop and talk. He then carried on moving away and I was shouting and shouting for him until I became hoarse.

Today I havent been able to get this image out of my mind, and I've been in pain and in tears for much of the day.

I know I'll probably settle emotionally by tomorrow, but its been a heck of a day. DH isnt aware. While he is lovely, he's not comfortable at all with displays of emotion.

Sorry for being on a bit of a downer, it just feels better letting off a bit of steam. Thank you for listening.flowers

Jumblygran Sun 14-Mar-21 19:29:06

What a dream of loss and longing. It is tough but don’t bottle things up for the sake of your partner. Allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to feel the pain.
My parents both passed away years ago now and I can look back with some longing a and sadness that they aren’t around, mostly it is just fondness. It just takes time go well.

Whiff Mon 15-Mar-21 05:35:01

Artaylar dreaming of loved ones who have died is normal and in my opinion healthy. Stick with this post and I will get to the point.

My husband died in 2004 aged 47 I went to breavenment group which was no help. They where all at least 25+ older than me and the woman running the group was married. Only went because our children wanted me to they thought it would help me. It didn't but went for 2 years my dad took me as I don't drive. Dad's health started to deteriorate so it was a good excuse to stop going.

Right what I have learnt by myself over 17 years is dreaming of loved ones is healthy and normal . And sometimes the dreams can be disturbing. After my dad died aged 80 in 2007 I dreamt I was running after him he looked at me and kept walking. It upset me. But then I thought about it and realised it's because I hadn't said good bye before he died. So I sat and talked to him out loud and told him all the things I would have said . The relief was amazing.

Never dreamt about my mom she died 10 years after my dad and lived with me the last 18 months but my mom died long before her body did. Dementia took my mom. She thought I was her mom. 2 days before she died we sat on the side of the bed . She said can we cuddle mom and I said of course . Then she sang to me for a hour all the songs her dad had taught her. That memory I cherish because dementia not only took my loving caring mom but left in its place a violent old lady who attacked me on a daily basis. It's amazing what damage a 5st at frail old woman can do. But that wasn't my mom. My mom would have a nap and never knew what she would be like when she woke. But I loved and cared for her until the day she died. She would have hated what she became. As all my life she had never laid a hand on me. Her last 6 months was not my mom. I never hated her but did hope she would died in her sleep. She had forgotten my dad. But on the day she started to died she had been asleep for hours and shouted out his name. That was the last thing she ever said. She died just after midnight.

Mom and dad always wanted their ashes to be sprinkled together. So even though you aren't supposed to. My brother and me took their ashes to their favourite spot by the river by the hut they used to sit in for a picnic and spread their ashes along the river bank mixing them together .

I am an atheist. But mom and dad always believed they would be together again in heaven. I hope they got their wish. I will post this in case I lose it .

Whiff Mon 15-Mar-21 06:24:23

After reading that I will get to the point of what I have learnt. No emotion you feel is wrong whether it appears in dreams or suddenly you feel it during the day.

After my husband died I realised all the emotions I was feeling was normal. Rage, anger, deep loss, guilt, despair , bone crushing sadness etc was normal when you have loved that person. Even the sense it's not fair and why did it happen to me. And we where robbed of our life together.

These feeling apply to whether it's a spouse or partner or parent. Our present and future with whoever has died dies with them. So we have to make a new present and future.

I found when my parents died I lost my rocks as they helped me cope with the death of my husband . Especially my dad I could always talk to him about anything. I could tell them anything I was feeling. I admitted to them one day I felt jealous that they had eachother. And they understood but saying it to them meant I didn't feel that they way anymore.

These are all things I have learnt and if they help you or anyone it's worth the tears while writing this. Don't keep emotions inside. It only hurts you. If you want to scream , shouted , cry or hit a cushion do it you will feel better. Since my husband died I talk to him everyday day I have shouted at him, told him he shouldn't have left me , screamed at him and told him all my worries but always told him how much I miss and love him. Talking to him gives me comfort.

I have photos of him on display along with photos of my parents. I have a photo of my dad aged 19 in his army uniform along side a photo of Mom aged 21. They where both born in 1927. I have a wedding photo of these along side our wedding photo.

I hope you have have photos of your loved ones on display.

Talk our loud to those who have died it doesn't matter what you talk about. If you feel angry that they died talk to them about it I promise it will help. By saying it out loud makes you feel better if you keep it inside it hurts you.

These are all things I have had to learn on my own . I wish someone had told me when my husband died all the things I have written it would have made those early years easier to cope with. I should say my husband was my one and only. We had been together since I was 16 he was 18. 29 years as a couple nearly married 23 when he died . I was 45 our children 20 and 16.

I can get to the point quicker by talking but when it comes to writing things down I am long winded.

But I hope even a faction of what I have said helps just one person then it's been worth writing.

As I said this is all what I have experienced. I am no expert but just a normal woman now aged 62. Who had to make a new present and future. And to this day feels half of me is missing. No one could ever replace my husband. I still love him as much today as ever.

I have met many people who have found love and happiness again with a new loved one. But that is not something I want.

Grief never dies you just learn to cope with it. My dad and husband where great gardners especially my dad. My husband said I had a black thumb. But due to moving house and Covid I have stripped both front and back gardens and still in the process of replanting. I found I am a gardener. I think my husband and dad would be surprised and proud of me.

And now I will end. Hope if you read all this you are still awake. 😊

Artaylar Mon 15-Mar-21 14:13:25

Jumblygran and Whiff, thank you both so much for your kind and wise words, it means such a lot.flowers

Whiff thank you for sharing so much about your own experiences. Your words took my breath away and the tears were running. I will reread your words over the coming days and PM you if that's ok.

vampirequeen Mon 15-Mar-21 14:55:51

I often dream about my dad who passed away 30 years ago. It's usually when I'm trying to solve a problem and he'll come along and give me advice or show me how to do something.

Artaylar Mon 15-Mar-21 15:02:05

That is so lovely vampirequeen. Dads are like that are'nt they.
Thank you so much for sharingflowers

grandtanteJE65 Tue 16-Mar-21 12:43:09

My grandmother had a similar dream to yours about her husband when she was widowed at the age of 42.

Like you, she found it distressing. I fully understand you both.

My father died in 2009, seven years after my mother and my sister in 2016.

Dreaming about any of them was hard to start with, but now it has turned into a kind of consolation - a way of keeping good memories alive.

I hope you will find the same thing happening, once the first raw grief is over. The first year is very, very hard, but like everything else, it does end.

JaneJudge Tue 16-Mar-21 12:46:42

They are completely normal but they are very upsetting. I always get a sense that I can't protect or look after the person concerned in them. I suppose it is a subconscious feeling that it was event you couldn't control. I hope you feel a bit better soon xx

Aveline Tue 16-Mar-21 13:42:04

I once had a lovely dream about my Dad. It really helped. In the dream he was in a beautiful library with his dear old friend they were having such a nice time. Dad offered to come and give me a lift there but I had things to do so couldn't join them. I woke up feeling so reassured that he was OK. It was so nice just to 'see' him again.