Not sure what to do

All those saying “let the council pay for it” should reflect on the fact that the people paying for it are the council taxpayers, ie all of us. If there is any estate, the cost should be met from that. It need not be expensive

Hi

Thank you for all your kind words and taking time to consider my concerns.
I have now heard from one council who have said they can under a take a public funeral and where there is an estate of over £500 the costs will claim back. From what the estate research company have said there is £9k which a different council has as they had control of his finances. Not sure what this means.
I have contacted the care home to see if had any friends or visitors who might want to attend a funeral. I do however think I will let the council proceed and recover costs from his estate.
My mum hardly mentioned him. I have always wandered as she left her family and friends to live in a different town if he was a nice person. She might have just wanted a fresh start. She plays her cards very close it is not easy to find out any details

Getting the council to organise it seems best. And it would seem they are not looking for you to pay!

There may not even be a funeral as such. Most places now offer a "simple cremation" without a service.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

donna1964

Hang on a minute... alot on here are saying dont have nothing to do with this mans Funeral etc! None of us know what happened for him not to play a part in the posters life?
Maybe he was pushed out by the Posters Mother when she married again? Ther Mother moved on and so she believed her Child should have done so to. No one knows that side of the story!!
It sounds to me that the Man could have an Estate because an Estate finding Company is involved. Only the Poster knows the full story and I would hope she has been told the truth of why her Father did not play a part in her life...He did not forget her to put her as his next of kin... if he could not of cared he would say he had no next of kin!
I would be inclined to take part in the burial and lay him to rest.

I'm with you on this one donnal964...

Yes this would also be my suggestion. X

This is your chance to say good bye to a father you never knew. I would attend his funeral but let the council organise it. Send flowers at least. Perhaps there are family or friends who could tell you about him.

My Mum's Mum died when she was 3 and her Dad remarried. My Mum and her sister did not want anything to do with their Dad and 'new' family and was brought up by another family member. My mum was always quite bitter about the whole experience. I only ever met my grandad once and I find this really sad. When he died we did not attend the funeral and after my Mum died I spoke to my Grandads family. Apparently he was devastated at the loss of his first wife and could never come to terms with not seeing his daughters. My point here is that if I was in the situation that the Poster is in I would let the Council carry out the funeral and let them claim the costs from the estate. £500 is cheap so I assume it will be a very basic funeral. I would go to the home and try to find out all I could about this man, my father, as it may be that he wanted to get in touch but did not know how to. This is so sad and death is so final.

Hi,
Just a thought. You say you only met him once when he signed to change your surname when she remarried.
That makes me wonder if you were adopted by your stepfather. If so, I believe that upon adoption you do not automatically inherit from your biological father. You would inherit from your stepfather. But I’m no legal expert. Maybe others know more about this.

Imo contact the home, talk to those who knew him. Explain you don't have £5k lying about or whatever a funeral costs, but if you don't find out about your birth father now, that opportunity will never come again, and you may regret that.

It's often said that we more often regret the things we didn't do. I'd organise the funeral to the best of my abilities. You don't know all the back story of why he ignored you, but he might have had a perfectly good reason for doing so. You won't regret the time spent doing the only thing you can do for him now. But you might regret not doing it in future.

Vampirequeen is spot on ,great advice.

It was unfair of him to name you as next of kin when he had zero input into your life.

He’s a peace but has left you with his remains. Let the council deal with it and don’t fret about it.
He could have contacted you when he was alive if he was bothered by not seeing you so don’t let him leave his financial problems of not affording his own funeral now he’s dead.
Get on with your life Nannyn you do not owe him anything. X

Why not do one of those simple cremations i think around £1,200 and then put the ashes somewhere and say a few words over them if you feel inclined or have a little chat with him. It need not be expensive. Perhaps if you find out a little more it will make the decision easier for you?

Nicegranny, I don’t think he did name OP as next of kin from the way her post is worded. It looks as though the researchers found her. However, Eve22 has a valid point, if OP was adopted by her mum’s new husband she won’t be entitled to anything unless her biological father has named her in a Will. Similarly, the council wouldn’t be able to demand payment for the funeral. I agree with those who say to leave it to the council and perhaps go along to pay your respects to someone you didn’t know, but who was partly responsible for your existence.

The council are simply trying to pass the cost of the funeral on to someone else. Don't pay for it.

I would certainly attend the funeral. Not sure about the funding side of things, but nothing to stop you bidding him farewell.

Be careful ....this happened to someone I heard of whereby the Council even took to social media to find the son of someone who had not had any contact with his father for years ......he came forward ..............and was presented with a bill for 40,000 care home unpaid fees and a funeral account. Never heard what happened .......but if he had no money, I wonder if they put a Charge on his house if he had one, so the money could be re couped after his owndeath ...I would take legal advice before committing to anything....unless of course, if you do inherit enough (say a house, or something) and there are no people asking for money, by all means pay for a funeral (upwards of about £4,000 ....or a simply one straight to crem no service would be less)...the decision is of course your own ....some legal firms offer an hour of 'no fee' initial enquiries ...

I would want to take the opportunity to find out as much as I could about my Father. If you can go to the home he died in, then do. You may have family and siblings you currently know nothing about. You say your Mum plays her cards pretty close - why is that? I’d definitely want to try and find out more about why my biological Father wasn’t allowed into my life. There’s so much research evidence now into the influences carried by epigenetic heritability now and you carry half his genes. A difficult, and sad, situation for you. Take care.

Hi read it all and the replies but just wondered how you were feeling about it all emotionally? I hope you are ok.
My darling sister found out that our wonderful father was not actually her birth father on his death bed, at the hospital before he slipped away. She/we suspected throughout life as we do not look anything alike or even in personality but it was still a shock to her and he apologized to her for not being her real father.
In her 60's she felt her life was already settled but from time to time wonders.

Granny granby. He didn't name her as next of kin . A tracing company found Nannie N

I do not believe a person can be held responsible for another's debts unless they had previously signed as a guarantor.

In this case, he may have named you as next of kin because he had no other living relations. He may have signed his assets over to the council, his care home and funeral fees will be taken from the total, and there may be some amount left over. You may very well end up with a small amount. If you feel you have no right to accept it, perhaps it can be given to charity.

This isn't all about money. When I read your message it made me sad that you didn't meet him in life. Did he have any friends or are there any people at the care home to speak to about him who knew him? I would want to know.

Someone has reached out to you so connect with them and ask questions. It is your one chance.

All Banks have Bereavement lines if you need to ask about the financial side.
When DH died I received a Package from our Council with
What to do when someone dies which contained dozens of useful numbers and information.

If you want to attend a funeral, you should surely be able to without incurring a cost.

I have now read your update and it sounds as if it can be resolved satisfactorily. Good.

There is no shame in letting the council make the funeral arrangements. You will be allowed to attend the funeral service if you ask for details. The service will be basic but respectful. The council can recover the expenses, and care home costs, if your father has any in his estate. Any left over will come to you
and any other children, or to any beneficiaries named in will, if he made one. You would only pay a finder's fee to a heir hunting company if you have agreed to do so. It's rare for heir hunters to be involved at the funeral stage.