Losing my son

My son died 2 and a half years ago, he was 30, I haven’t moved on, come to terms with it, started to heal, let go. Unless you have lost a child you cannot comprehend the the feeling of loss that is so debilitating that your life will never hold the joy of life you used to feel. It’s difficult to explain this to the non bereaved parent, you can only know if it happens to you. That’s not to say there aren’t some great people who try to understand and help, but in the main I can’t engage with life the way I used to and people have expectations of you, you can’t fulfil. In lockdown I haven’t cared about not seeing people and now people are asking ......when shall we meet......as much I want to I’m also scared, I don’t think I’m ready to get back to “normal”, I don’t have normal any more.

I feel so much for all of you suffering with this terrible loss.
My mother-in-law lost her daughter about the time her son and I were married. She moved house, took early retirement, planted a little garden "for" her and slowly inched towards "normality".

I feel 15 months is no time at all. Be kind to yourself.

I hope more people (who know intimately your deep grief) come here to comment.
Sending love.
?

Campbellwise, my thoughts are with you. I have never lost a child and can only imagine the pain you are feeling. I am at a loss to help but please know that I and all who have responded on Gransnet have you in our thoughts.

campbellwise When your child dies, it feels like a part of you has been ripped away. Years on and I am perfectly aware I still have pain and anger bubbling under the surface. The knowledge that a good person has died, whilst others that do not have those qualities still live, breaks your heart. The reality is that life can be unfair, unequal and complete chaos.

Take anti-depressants if you need them; they are not a weakness but a means of getting back to a semblance of normal living. As has been said, in time you will learn to cope. It is hard and there will be days when the littlest thing can set you off, so cry when you need to. Trying to suppress emotions is not a good idea. Remember happier times with your son. Smile or even laugh at those moments, talk with family and friends about him and you'll gradually get back to some sort of normality, however long it takes.

We know our child would be damned annoyed with us for not trying to live our lives the best we can; so we try, even if we don't always succeed.

campbellwise I am so sorry for your loss and want to say that fifteen months is no time at all. Just last night I was overcome with a wave of grief that left me a sobbing mess and yet my loss was eleven years ago and not a son, but a son-in-law. He was just 26 years old and killed in action - the news of the final withdrawal of troops from Afghanistan undid me.

Please give yourself permission to grieve at your own pace and consider contacting one of the charities that offers bereavement support when you feel ready.

I am so sorry that you are feeling like this Campbellwise. And indeed I am in tears for all of you who have suffered this great loss of a child.
I haven't lost a child so I have no advice but sending love and hugs and wishes for you to find some peace.x

We feel deep grief because we loved so much. Each tear drop is a pearl of love. No one can tell you exactly how grief will take you. There will be good days and bad days - do you have family to support you when you are having a particularly bad time? And family who need support when they are having a bad time so you can help each other? You will never get over the loss of your son but you will learn how to cope. This was the most important thing I learnt after losing my son, 15 years ago now.

One thing I did find helpful was raising money for my son’s favourite charity. It gave me permission to be doing something and a purpose that I knew he would have approved of. Gradually I started living again and it became easier to wear that smiling face I took out from the jar beside my bed each morning.

Peace was the one thing I craved and I always wish it to every bereaved person. So Cambellwise I am going to send you a big hug and my heartfelt wishes for peace. xxx

Same as CurlyWhirly,sending my love to all who have lost a child.
It`s not something you get over but it`s something you get through and, there is no shame in tears.

Nothing more to add to above posters there is some good advice from them .?to all who have lost chilren.

It must be unbearably sad to lose a child no matter what age.
I do send my heartfelt good wishes to you and hope that somehow you do manage to live alongside it, as others have said above.

I cant imagine how you feel. My son is 45 and the thought of losing him is horrific. However, you have to be kind to yourself. Don’t expect too much too soon. They say it takes at least two years to come to terms with the death of a close relative. You will learn to deal with your feelings.

I'm sorry for your loss, campbellwise. I lost a daughter a few years back. The second year seems to be harder for many, right where you are. The first year you are numb and getting through all the legal and other processes. The second year it hits home, the numbness wears off, other people move on and we're expected to get on with it. It's not so easy though. 15 months is nothing at all after such a major loss. It is always there but it does get less sharp and easier over time. I'm happy to chat via PM if you like.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You need to give yourself time. There is no 'one size fits all' when it comes to grief. I think the hardest part is that everyone else's lives return to normal but yours doesn't. You feel you have to be normal because everyone else is but it doesn't work that way. You have to let your grief run it's course. Cry when you need to. I used to smash crockery. Very destructive but it made me feel better for some reason. Remember grief isn't a linear thing to pass through. Often its two steps forward and one step back. Lean on us for support.

Thank you all so much for your kind words, empathy and advice.

So sorry to hear of your grief and sadness. The pain of a child’s death is a terrible thing to bear.
My son died fourteen years ago but still for me it could be fourteen minutes ago. I can only say that living alongside the awful fact becomes easier and that’s not to say that grief lessens but as you have no doubt found, this sun still shines ,meals are made and eaten and ordinary life goes on.
Please be kind to yourself you will have poor days and some slightly better days and slowly but surely keep your precious memories with you and a new way of being will be possible.
Sending a hug and a prayer.

I once read that it’s like a hole in your life and you have to somehow learn to live with that hole or around it. I’m not sure if I’ve explained that properly but it sort of makes sense to me. At first, or so I believe, you have to go through the various stages of grief but if things don’t improve anti depressants are helpful. I haven’t had a bereavement but I did need anti depressants for a while. I was loathe to take them but a friend explained to me that they don’t zombiefy you but bring you up to a level at which you can function again. Other than that I don’t know what to say as I can’t imagine the pain of losing a loved one. I can only say how sorry I am for everyone going through such pain and wish I could help. x

Campbellwise, Grammaretto, TwiceAsNice, Kupari45, Anniebach and all who have lost children - sending love and hugs

I agree with all that has been said. I haven't lost a child and I can't begin to imagine your grief and pain.

I lost my DH 4 months ago after a long illness and know that there is no reason or pace with grief.
I have been missing him a lot today when it was so sunny and beautiful. He is no longer here to share it.

Sending loving thoughts xxx

You will never “get over it” you will slowly learn to live with it .15 months is nothing you are still in a form of shock. One day at a time, sometimes one hour! My son died in 1984. I still miss him but I have made a different life . I remember how awful it was at the beginning. Be kind to yourself and do whatever helps you, even if it seems odd to others only you know what you need. Losing a child is like losing a part of yourself, you love them so much. Grief is the price we pay for love unfortunately.

The Compassionate Friends, The Bereaved Parents Network, and Cruse Bereavement Care are all organisations that you might find helpful.

Please feel free to PM me if you would like to. Take care

campbellwise, I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your boy.
After five years of missing my lovely daughter who died at age 42, I think I can say I truly understand how you are feeling.
Many people feel the need to tell you (oh it gets better you will learn to cope with your grief).
Well sadly you "never get over it". You will miss your child forever. However , eventually your head and your heart get together, and somehow you get through each day.
Then a day came and I realised I hadn't cried for a few days. Now I have an overwhelming feeling that I have to try and show my girl that I am doing my best to live my life to the full. I know I will meet her again when I die, so I want her to be proud of me and know I did my best to be brave without her in my life.
We each have to find a way to go with this intense feeling of sadness. What works for one person wouldn't help someone else.
In my case I found The Compassionate Friends forum helped me, and even now I e-mail a lady who's daughter died at the same time as my girl.
In effect I suppose we are pen-pals, but we have supported each other this last five years, with weekly e-mails. As time goes on its now every couple of weeks as we both find a way of getting through this sadness.
I am thinking of you.

Yes BlueBelle and you all got me through the funeral, inquest and more. I know cambellwise will find what I did here by reaching out.

cambellwise don’t be afraid to share here, I did and it was caring people here who got me through what I can only call hell, I did get through and you will too x

So very sad and allow yourself to be as sad as you need to heal a little
Anniebach knows exactly how it is. I can’t believe it’s 3 years annie
You will never get over it but you will learn how to live with it how your love and care will eventually get you through but don’t expect too much of yourself.... 15 months is a heartbeat
My best friends son died at 18 in a head on motor bike accident

I am so very sorry cambellwise , I so understand, my darling
daughter died 3 years ago last November, I will not say yes or no to medication.

My husband so young 46 years ago, I thought - nothing can could cause me more pain this, i was wrong , when my darling
daughter died my world fell apart. Give yourself time, be kind to yourself.

I will not ‘get over it’, I thank God that even though
I had the pain of losing her I gave birth to her, I watched her grow up, I loved her and she loved me, she was my world, I had those years with her . You had your years with your son ,you will learn to live with it my love
Sending you a hug x

I'm sorry 15 months is no time at all xx

I had psychotherapy after a bereavement and there was lots of talk of never getting over it but learning to live with it. It never really goes away though and it's not the natural order of life, which makes it more difficult to comprehend or quantify. Please be kind to yourself x

So, so sorry to hear of your heartbreaking loss - I agree with Miranda1 - you need some chemical intervention,, to deal with the immediate shock and pain. Prozac helped me when I went through a bad time (nothing compared to your loss) . Please feel free to talk about your son on this forum. Though you can’t see us, believe me, you are in our thoughts and minds. There are some very kind people and maybe someone, who has been through. I know there are a few who have been through similar. Look after yourself