Gransnet forums

Bereavement

Losing my son

(49 Posts)
campbellwise Fri 16-Apr-21 13:21:22

I have tried so hard to help myself, but the grief I feel is so overwhelming that I can barely function some days. I have had counselling and done an online course with ataloss.org, but even after 15 months I can’t control my feelings. I would appreciate advice from anyone who has been through this and found peace.

gt66 Fri 16-Apr-21 13:33:36

I'm so sorry to read this campbellwise. I haven't lost a child, so can't give any advice, but didn't want your post to go unanswered.

Someone who is better able to give advice will, I'm sure, respond soon.

flowers

nanna8 Fri 16-Apr-21 13:43:33

I haven’t experienced this loss campbellwise though I have a close friend who has. What she says to me is if she feels like crying she does, without embarrassment. For her it has been quite a few years and she will tell me the pain is always there but she found some help in volunteering and talking to others in similar circumstances. I think it would be too early for you to do that yet but I am just giving you that thought. Hugs to you and I hope you find someone you can really talk to about it. 🌹

miranda1 Fri 16-Apr-21 13:45:17

I am so sorry for your loss. I too am struggling to cope with bereavement. What has really really helped me is going on anti-depressants, I don't believe I could have coped without that. I am on Prozac, and believe me, it has made a HUGE difference. Without it I was waking up every day with horrific nightmares, palpitations, and breathlessness, all brought on by thoughts of my loved one's death. Now, while the sadness remains, and I continue to miss them and always will, I am able to function and get on with my life in a way I was unable to before.

For very many years I hated the very thought of taking any "psychiatric" medication that would "mess with my brain". I realised recently that that was just stupidity and prejudice.

Depression is caused by, and/or can lead to, biochemical changes in the brain. These changes are rectified by appropriate anti-depressants. Just as diabetics need insulin, those of us who are depressed for a prolonged period need anti-depressants.

Please talk to your GP and get him or her to prescribe medication.

It will help you cope with the loss.

And eventually you won't need the medication any more.

EllanVannin Fri 16-Apr-21 13:50:02

In any event it takes a good couple of years before grieving becomes more manageable but losing a child is a different ball-game and I imagine the process lasts a lot longer.

Never having been in that situation, I've seen/ met those who have lost a child. One of my best friends lost her daughter through illness in 1995 and can still shed a tear but the hurt has gone which I know lasted a long time.

If you feel that you're not coping have a word with your GP who will be the best person to advise you. Don't leave it too long. There are group sessions for people in your situation as to talk over your feelings does help with others who are like-minded.

miranda1 Fri 16-Apr-21 13:51:17

In addition to anti-depressants, I consciously try to visualise my daughter in heaven, with God's arms wrapped around her. I see her healthy, whole, full of vigour and life, laughing, running, and doing all the things she was unable to do on earth. I see her telling me not to be sad, that I still have a lot of work left to do on earth before I can join her.

That one day, soon, I and all our other loved ones will be with her in heaven too.

That we will be re-united for all eternity.

This life is only a very small part of our existence - the rest of it is the best of it and yet to come.

It helps to talk to oneself internally and visualise the future and eternity.

Shandy57 Fri 16-Apr-21 13:53:51

So sorry campbellwise, grief is love with nowhere to go sad My friend's partner's son was killed three years ago and he is still very, very sad. There is no time limit for grief.

When my husband died I searched for help on line and liked this 'Ball in the Jar' analogy, it helped a little. Do read it through to the end.

community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_experiences/bereaved-spouses-and-partners-forum/f/bereaved_spouse-forum/64421/ball-in-a-jar---an-article-on-grief

crazyH Fri 16-Apr-21 13:57:29

So, so sorry to hear of your heartbreaking loss - I agree with Miranda1 - you need some chemical intervention,, to deal with the immediate shock and pain. Prozac helped me when I went through a bad time (nothing compared to your loss) . Please feel free to talk about your son on this forum. Though you can’t see us, believe me, you are in our thoughts and minds. There are some very kind people and maybe someone, who has been through. I know there are a few who have been through similar. Look after yourself flowers

JaneJudge Fri 16-Apr-21 13:57:54

I'm sorry flowers 15 months is no time at all xx

I had psychotherapy after a bereavement and there was lots of talk of never getting over it but learning to live with it. It never really goes away though and it's not the natural order of life, which makes it more difficult to comprehend or quantify. Please be kind to yourself x

Anniebach Fri 16-Apr-21 15:36:40

I am so very sorry cambellwise , I so understand, my darling
daughter died 3 years ago last November, I will not say yes or no to medication.

My husband so young 46 years ago, I thought - nothing can could cause me more pain this, i was wrong , when my darling
daughter died my world fell apart. Give yourself time, be kind to yourself.

I will not ‘get over it’, I thank God that even though
I had the pain of losing her I gave birth to her, I watched her grow up, I loved her and she loved me, she was my world, I had those years with her . You had your years with your son ,you will learn to live with it my love
Sending you a hug x

BlueBelle Fri 16-Apr-21 15:48:39

So very sad and allow yourself to be as sad as you need to heal a little
Anniebach knows exactly how it is. I can’t believe it’s 3 years annie
You will never get over it but you will learn how to live with it how your love and care will eventually get you through but don’t expect too much of yourself.... 15 months is a heartbeat
My best friends son died at 18 in a head on motor bike accident

Anniebach Fri 16-Apr-21 16:03:56

Yes BlueBelle and you all got me through the funeral, inquest and more. I know cambellwise will find what I did here by reaching out.

cambellwise don’t be afraid to share here, I did and it was caring people here who got me through what I can only call hell, I did get through and you will too x

Kupari45 Fri 16-Apr-21 17:04:14

campbellwise, I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your boy.
After five years of missing my lovely daughter who died at age 42, I think I can say I truly understand how you are feeling.
Many people feel the need to tell you (oh it gets better you will learn to cope with your grief).
Well sadly you "never get over it". You will miss your child forever. However , eventually your head and your heart get together, and somehow you get through each day.
Then a day came and I realised I hadn't cried for a few days. Now I have an overwhelming feeling that I have to try and show my girl that I am doing my best to live my life to the full. I know I will meet her again when I die, so I want her to be proud of me and know I did my best to be brave without her in my life.
We each have to find a way to go with this intense feeling of sadness. What works for one person wouldn't help someone else.
In my case I found The Compassionate Friends forum helped me, and even now I e-mail a lady who's daughter died at the same time as my girl.
In effect I suppose we are pen-pals, but we have supported each other this last five years, with weekly e-mails. As time goes on its now every couple of weeks as we both find a way of getting through this sadness.
I am thinking of you.

TwiceAsNice Fri 16-Apr-21 18:04:26

You will never “get over it” you will slowly learn to live with it .15 months is nothing you are still in a form of shock. One day at a time, sometimes one hour! My son died in 1984. I still miss him but I have made a different life . I remember how awful it was at the beginning. Be kind to yourself and do whatever helps you, even if it seems odd to others only you know what you need. Losing a child is like losing a part of yourself, you love them so much. Grief is the price we pay for love unfortunately.

The Compassionate Friends, The Bereaved Parents Network, and Cruse Bereavement Care are all organisations that you might find helpful.

Please feel free to PM me if you would like to. Take care

Grammaretto Fri 16-Apr-21 19:28:50

I agree with all that has been said. I haven't lost a child and I can't begin to imagine your grief and pain.

I lost my DH 4 months ago after a long illness and know that there is no reason or pace with grief.
I have been missing him a lot today when it was so sunny and beautiful. He is no longer here to share it.

Sending loving thoughts xxx

Curlywhirly Fri 16-Apr-21 19:59:25

Campbellwise, Grammaretto, TwiceAsNice, Kupari45, Anniebach and all who have lost children - sending love and hugs thanksthanksflowers

MayBee70 Fri 16-Apr-21 20:43:28

I once read that it’s like a hole in your life and you have to somehow learn to live with that hole or around it. I’m not sure if I’ve explained that properly but it sort of makes sense to me. At first, or so I believe, you have to go through the various stages of grief but if things don’t improve anti depressants are helpful. I haven’t had a bereavement but I did need anti depressants for a while. I was loathe to take them but a friend explained to me that they don’t zombiefy you but bring you up to a level at which you can function again. Other than that I don’t know what to say as I can’t imagine the pain of losing a loved one. I can only say how sorry I am for everyone going through such pain and wish I could help. x

Reubenblue Fri 16-Apr-21 20:47:18

So sorry to hear of your grief and sadness. The pain of a child’s death is a terrible thing to bear.
My son died fourteen years ago but still for me it could be fourteen minutes ago. I can only say that living alongside the awful fact becomes easier and that’s not to say that grief lessens but as you have no doubt found, this sun still shines ,meals are made and eaten and ordinary life goes on.
Please be kind to yourself you will have poor days and some slightly better days and slowly but surely keep your precious memories with you and a new way of being will be possible.
Sending a hug and a prayer.

campbellwise Fri 16-Apr-21 20:53:32

Thank you all so much for your kind words, empathy and advice.

vampirequeen Fri 16-Apr-21 21:30:13

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You need to give yourself time. There is no 'one size fits all' when it comes to grief. I think the hardest part is that everyone else's lives return to normal but yours doesn't. You feel you have to be normal because everyone else is but it doesn't work that way. You have to let your grief run it's course. Cry when you need to. I used to smash crockery. Very destructive but it made me feel better for some reason. Remember grief isn't a linear thing to pass through. Often its two steps forward and one step back. Lean on us for support.

CafeAuLait Fri 16-Apr-21 23:36:47

I'm sorry for your loss, campbellwise. I lost a daughter a few years back. The second year seems to be harder for many, right where you are. The first year you are numb and getting through all the legal and other processes. The second year it hits home, the numbness wears off, other people move on and we're expected to get on with it. It's not so easy though. 15 months is nothing at all after such a major loss. It is always there but it does get less sharp and easier over time. I'm happy to chat via PM if you like.

Humbertbear Sat 17-Apr-21 08:39:04

I cant imagine how you feel. My son is 45 and the thought of losing him is horrific. However, you have to be kind to yourself. Don’t expect too much too soon. They say it takes at least two years to come to terms with the death of a close relative. You will learn to deal with your feelings.

henetha Sat 17-Apr-21 09:10:14

It must be unbearably sad to lose a child no matter what age.
I do send my heartfelt good wishes to you and hope that somehow you do manage to live alongside it, as others have said above.

hulahoop Sat 17-Apr-21 09:14:34

Nothing more to add to above posters there is some good advice from them .💐to all who have lost chilren.

timetogo2016 Sat 17-Apr-21 09:20:56

Same as CurlyWhirly,sending my love to all who have lost a child.
It`s not something you get over but it`s something you get through and, there is no shame in tears.