Losing my son

Such a sad loss. We never expect to bury our own child until it happens to us. My daughter died, aged 34, just over 3 year ago. It's actually early days still. The loss is so huge I'm still trying to process it and cannot believe I won't see her in this life again. I'm still on medication and awaiting bereavement counselling that I have not had due to pandemic. The only piece of advice I have is you must look after yourself. There is no changing it so you have to learn to live with it. It comes in stages as your life adjusts. It's a difficult road. Grief is the price of love. Through the grief there has been bits of joy. Perhaps as time goes on the balance will slowly change. 15 months is so little time. Be good to yourself x

I just want to give a big hug to all on here who have lost their child
I can not imagine how dreadful this is, it’s beyond heartbreak

So sorry to read your stories life is cruel. Sadly another one here. My beautiful boy died in July last year, he was deafblind and cerebral palsy, he had pneumococcal meningitis when he was 8 months old. I have horrendous guilt as I agreed to a DNR prior to surgery which was not successful and he died 4 days later. I still cannot stop feeling did I do the right thing?

My youngest child, a 25 year old son, died nineteen years ago. Nothing can prepare anybody for this sort of loss. In the modern world we do not expect our children to die before us. I can even remember saying (foolishly) to the policeman who came to tell me of his death,'He can't be dead, I don't have any funeral plans for my children'!!

Two years later, I was still in the deepest mourning and wrote a very bitter little poem about this. People kept telling me that 'Time Heals', and Time was somehow, for me, making it worse.
Someone, described it rather like that person being on a boat, slowly bobbing further and further away.

Anyone in this position really needs to be thinking of about three years before they can expect to start coming out the other side. So many stages to grieving.
I did not want counselling, I needed to talk about him, incessantly, but only to people who had known him. Would not go down the road of anti-depressants - surely, they are mainly useful when there is no outstanding reason for that feeling - not as a way of dealing with deep, tragic loss.
I did try to change my life somewhat. Having not worked for many years for different reasons, parents, carer, illness - I applied for, and obtained a part-time post. Started that four months after my sons death, and can remember that day was the very first I got through without tears!!!
I am fortunate in that I have other children, and I know they were all going therough their own grieving process. After the first year we stopped meeting or doing anything on the anniversary of his death,but did try to meet up on his birthday to celebrate his life.

All these years later, I find it so difficult really to imagine what he would be like or be doing. Still have tears at times- anything on TV involving the death of a young adult will still see my blubbing.
Yes, Time is the healer ........but a great deal of time.
Over the years I have met so many people who have suffered the death of an adult child. It does effect far more families than I had realised previously. And, for each family - it is their own personal grief.

I lost my 18 year old youngest son 25 years ago,and it still hurts.15 months is no time at all, and as many have said things do get sort of better.Still missed every hour of the day, but as others have said life goes on. I still love and miss him after all this time,but have learned to live with it.

I think all of the advise and support here is so genuine and helpful. I agree that you never get over your loss but live alongside it. I cycled during the first year and challenged myself to do the ride London. I think there is something about exercising and being in the outdoors that helps the mind. I think we all need to be kinder to ourselves. Take your time, breathe and remember.

Losing a child is one thing that none of us ever expect to happen and nothing that we can prepare for.
There is no time limit on grieving.
Some people can cope and move back into normal life, others seem to be stuck in a cycle where you can't think straight and life seems to have no future. Both are right.
Have you contacted Cruse for support ? They provide help and support for all those grieving for someone whatever the age of the one that has died . Also perhaps see if there are any groups within your area by perhaps enquiring on your local Facebook community group.
You are not alone, be kind to yourself and take each day at a time

My heart goes out to all who are grieving time will ease the pain. I still shed tears for those I have lost. While we still have our memories of our loved ones they will be in our hearts forever.?

Hetty58. Can you remember the title of the book that helped you?
Thank you

Part of the problem, I feel, is that we just expect far too much of ourselves, far too soon. Why do we even aim to be good at grief? There's no prize for winners.

We should give ourselves full permission to seek out (and try out) any treatments, pastimes or distractions that provide even minor and temporary relief from the terrible pain.

Others simply can't see what we feel. Situations far away from home, friends and family can be easier to cope with.

It's fine to jump into volunteering or study with complete strangers as there's always the option to drop out.

I found comfort with a new group of friends, who had no knowledge of the 'old' me - and (strangely) a book about grief from the library really helped me understand my frighteningly angry reaction to it.

Darling Campbellwise, I am so sorry for your loss but I am glad that you are not alone: you have us, to talk to freely. I am grateful to you, my sisters, for all your kind words & heartfelt advice to Campbellwise. I have lost a brother, he was only 44, I am one & a half months older than him. He is actually my cousin - my mum's sister's son. Mum fostered him from the ages of 13. Her sister was an alcoholic & so he turned out the same way too, when he grew up. The divorce didn't help the matters & he steadily drank himself to death, dying of cirrhosis of the liver. I am living every day for him, too - when I see a view or a flower or anything nice, interesting - I am talking to him (in my head when in public) & aloud in my back garden or a forest. I regularly sing to him - Ukrainian, Belarusian & Russian folklore songs... It helps... I also write poems - in English, too. I will copy one for you now & another one later - my Better Half wants a laptop time. Be kind to yourself, let yourself feel what you feel...Love from me (and my brother).

Still waiting for snow, resurrection of Lady of Hope,
The return of the lost, the departed to distant lands.
I traverse the faint paths that criss-cross the Globe,
And hear the galloping horses that carry the Faith.

I lost my daughter on Mother's day 32 years ago and I still miss her terribly.
I miss all that was and all that she could have been.
For me, it was simply grieving in my own way and time. I tried counselling etc but it really didn't help me at all. Perhaps I should have tried harder / stuck with it but the one thing I wanted, they couldn't give me.
It was my son who gave me strength and hope....he made me laugh when I actually didn't think I could laugh.
There is a life ahead and you will 'rebuild' a new life...apologies but I hope that's understandable. For me it was a slow acceptance of my new life but that was hard.
Hugs....

I'm really sorry for your loss and for everyone that has lost a child. Please don't struggle any more than you have to if medication might help. Sometimes we have to accept help and when things are this bad it doesn't need to be any worse. It is two and a half years since my precious daughter died and I found that medication lessened the massive adrenaline surges and allowed me to begin to process what had happened. I talked and talked, read as much as I could about bereavement. I posted on here and received a lot of support. Compassionate Friends was helpful and supportive. Counselling was good but of course you need to find the right person and that may not be easy when you don't feel motivated. The most helpful thing has been sharing with other bereaved parents because they truly get it. Some really good advice on here. Please pm me if you want to. Sending you all big big hugs and friendship. X

campbellwise how I feel for you. My gorgeous 22 year old son was killed 18 months ago. Nothing can ever prepare you for the devastation. I did find help from the GP in the form of medication. And also through bereavement-specific talking therapy via Cruse.
There are days when I don't want to be part of this world anymore, however I am anchored here by his twin brother, and his 20 month old daughter.
It's hard, isn't it? And like you I don't find it getting much easier, just different. And if it's different then I must somehow be stumbling along the path to some kind of healing.
If you feel that I am someone you could talk to, please pm me. Anna

Thank you both, I didn’t read anything into your post Notspaghetti, I certainly wasn’t having a dig, sorry if it came out that way. Just my thoughts about my life and some peoples attitudes. I wrote on a different thread how nice it is to have people that don’t shy away from the grief of others and especially bereaved mums, to many people do. The fact that you came to a post with a heading of losing my son shows you have compassion. I’m doing what your MiL did, I have a small garden of wildflowers and a plaque for my son, I love sitting out and thinking of him, I miss him so much.
Thank you again. Lots of love ❤️ X

Marketcat please don't think I really meant "normality" as such.
I am not qualified to understand this deep grief. I was only explaining the way my lovely mother-in-law "got through" the early days, months and years.

Apologies if I sounded as though this was something you "get over". That was not my intention.

Marketkat it is a horrible horrible feeling that only those who have suffered bereavement can know as much as others try their best to emphasise. I have found the most compassionate people to be those who have suffered. Often their lives are such that you would never guess. You may find such people among your friends but if you are not ready don’t go.

I joined a walking group after my son died. It was something I had always wanted to do but couldn’t as he was in a wheelchair. Fellow walkers were very nice and didn’t pressurise me to talk. I just made myself walk and walk. The fresh air and exercise and getting out of the house were the first very very tiny baby steps towards any kind of normal.

My son died 2 and a half years ago, he was 30, I haven’t moved on, come to terms with it, started to heal, let go. Unless you have lost a child you cannot comprehend the the feeling of loss that is so debilitating that your life will never hold the joy of life you used to feel. It’s difficult to explain this to the non bereaved parent, you can only know if it happens to you. That’s not to say there aren’t some great people who try to understand and help, but in the main I can’t engage with life the way I used to and people have expectations of you, you can’t fulfil. In lockdown I haven’t cared about not seeing people and now people are asking ......when shall we meet......as much I want to I’m also scared, I don’t think I’m ready to get back to “normal”, I don’t have normal any more.

I feel so much for all of you suffering with this terrible loss.
My mother-in-law lost her daughter about the time her son and I were married. She moved house, took early retirement, planted a little garden "for" her and slowly inched towards "normality".

I feel 15 months is no time at all. Be kind to yourself.

I hope more people (who know intimately your deep grief) come here to comment.
Sending love.
?

Campbellwise, my thoughts are with you. I have never lost a child and can only imagine the pain you are feeling. I am at a loss to help but please know that I and all who have responded on Gransnet have you in our thoughts.

campbellwise When your child dies, it feels like a part of you has been ripped away. Years on and I am perfectly aware I still have pain and anger bubbling under the surface. The knowledge that a good person has died, whilst others that do not have those qualities still live, breaks your heart. The reality is that life can be unfair, unequal and complete chaos.

Take anti-depressants if you need them; they are not a weakness but a means of getting back to a semblance of normal living. As has been said, in time you will learn to cope. It is hard and there will be days when the littlest thing can set you off, so cry when you need to. Trying to suppress emotions is not a good idea. Remember happier times with your son. Smile or even laugh at those moments, talk with family and friends about him and you'll gradually get back to some sort of normality, however long it takes.

We know our child would be damned annoyed with us for not trying to live our lives the best we can; so we try, even if we don't always succeed.

campbellwise I am so sorry for your loss and want to say that fifteen months is no time at all. Just last night I was overcome with a wave of grief that left me a sobbing mess and yet my loss was eleven years ago and not a son, but a son-in-law. He was just 26 years old and killed in action - the news of the final withdrawal of troops from Afghanistan undid me.

Please give yourself permission to grieve at your own pace and consider contacting one of the charities that offers bereavement support when you feel ready.

I am so sorry that you are feeling like this Campbellwise. And indeed I am in tears for all of you who have suffered this great loss of a child.
I haven't lost a child so I have no advice but sending love and hugs and wishes for you to find some peace.x

We feel deep grief because we loved so much. Each tear drop is a pearl of love. No one can tell you exactly how grief will take you. There will be good days and bad days - do you have family to support you when you are having a particularly bad time? And family who need support when they are having a bad time so you can help each other? You will never get over the loss of your son but you will learn how to cope. This was the most important thing I learnt after losing my son, 15 years ago now.

One thing I did find helpful was raising money for my son’s favourite charity. It gave me permission to be doing something and a purpose that I knew he would have approved of. Gradually I started living again and it became easier to wear that smiling face I took out from the jar beside my bed each morning.

Peace was the one thing I craved and I always wish it to every bereaved person. So Cambellwise I am going to send you a big hug and my heartfelt wishes for peace. xxx

Same as CurlyWhirly,sending my love to all who have lost a child.
It`s not something you get over but it`s something you get through and, there is no shame in tears.