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Bereavement

Will this ever stop?

(21 Posts)
Luckygirl Tue 22-Jun-21 21:55:53

This evening I went back to choral society (singing has been my life) - only 30 allowed, 2m separation, with mask wearing. In spite of all that I was looking forward to it.

And what happened? We sang songs that I had sung in choirs with my OH when he was well. So I sat and wept into my mask. When will I be ready to enjoy it again? I simply do not know. And the one thing I do not have at my age is time.

MawBe Tue 22-Jun-21 21:57:34

I can’t sing
I can’t listen to beautiful music
I sob(silently) through opera

I hope you will get there - I’m not there yet. sad

Marmight Tue 22-Jun-21 22:07:22

It took me a long time to be able to listen to music again. No radio, no cd’s. I never returned to my choir but gradually things changed, really without noticing that they were. Of course lots of pieces are unbearable even now, but I listen all the time and joined a new choir when I moved. Hang in there, it will become easier

grannyqueenie Tue 22-Jun-21 22:17:26

I’m not where you 2 lovely ladies are right now, but one day I might be and I’m under no illusions about how hellish that will be.
Thinking of you, and others too, as you find new ways of living without those you love the best beside you. ❤️

Ro60 Tue 22-Jun-21 22:22:50

Just the other day I said out loud to someone, "at last I can think of my Dear Pa without pain" - it's been 24 years - then on the radio played "Dance with My Father Again" (Boss Scaggs I think) spoke too soon.
Lost my OH 12 years ago the pain has faded but he is often in my thoughts brought on at the most unexpected things - food, places, a turn of phrase .....
My heart goes out to you Luckygirl I hope you sing different songs next week.

merlotgran Tue 22-Jun-21 22:40:02

It's awful, isn't it Luckygirl? I certainly wouldn't be able to cope with choral singing at the moment and I don't know if I ever will again.

Pop music is just as bad.

Ditto TV programmes and films we watched more than once because they reminded us of our younger days and I have no idea when I'm ever going to be able to look at photographs again.

CafeAuLait Tue 22-Jun-21 23:06:34

We have always been musical. I used to listen to music all the time and sing along. Five years later I still don't listen to music anymore. I think that is gone from my life now.

GrannySomerset Tue 22-Jun-21 23:28:26

I ache for you, Luckygirl, and commend your courage. Even if singing is too hard it must be helpful to be with people who knew you both and care about you. I long for choir to start again but seriously doubt whether I am physically capable of singing now. Such voice as I had seems to have vanished through lack of use and I do fear that my (very modest) singing days are over.

DillytheGardener Tue 22-Jun-21 23:44:48

I feel the same about some Christmas songs Luckygirl that still remind me of someone dear to me I lost some time ago.

I don’t want to be trite and say time, as that’s so unhelpful when you’re in the midst of raw grieving, but you have all my empathy and genuine feeling thanks

kittylester Wed 23-Jun-21 07:51:44

This thread has made me cry. Sending you all (hugs).

Grammaretto Wed 23-Jun-21 08:04:51

I don't know if I would be brave enough to do any of the things we did together. His choir want to have a celebration of some kind for him but I am not sure I would want to be there.
I too commend your courage.
One day at a time xxxx

glammanana Wed 23-Jun-21 08:25:20

Luckygirl You are so brave going to your choir singing it will surely get better for you in time.
At the moment on TV there is a song "My First My Last My Everything" by Barry White which was played at my darling John's service every time it comes on TV I just crumble into tears.
Sending Hugs to everyone suffering with this flowers

Cabbie21 Wed 23-Jun-21 08:54:15

There are certain hymns which remind me of my mum. Although she died in 2001, I still struggle to sing those hymns as I think of her.

Lin52 Wed 23-Jun-21 11:33:38

Remember sitting in Covent Garden many years ago, listening to woman with most beautiful voice, tears came. Same in Zambia, listening to a choir practice in the middle of nowhere, when I thanked them for their beautiful sound, they looked quite bemused, wasn’t expecting anyone to be listening I suppose. But what a sound.

Whiff Wed 23-Jun-21 14:04:44

Luckygirl how lovely to be able to sing. I can't listen to the music we had at my husband's funeral.

But for you singing is a big part of your life with your husband. As hard as it is go to every practice and sing your heart out not just for yourself but for your husband. If it helps image him watching you smiling and singing along. He wouldn't want you to stop something that gave you both so much pleasure.

Practice at home singing to your husband . See him in his favourite chair.

Seeing my husband sitting in his armchair with his laptop on his lap surrounded by files got me through many dark days.

Perhaps if you had a photo of him in your pocket during practice it might help. I carry a photo of my husband in my bag . I know it's silly but it's as if he's out with me. Been doing it for 17 years and will do it until I die. And then the photo will go in the coffin with me.

In my experience grieving never ends and the loss just gets worse over the years. You just learn to cope. Still have my bad days but once I have had a cry or scream or a shout at him for leaving me. I am fine to face life again.

We all have to do whatever gets us through life without our other halves. No matter how strange or silly it may seem to others.

💐

nadateturbe Wed 23-Jun-21 20:04:54

I am so sad for you Luckygirl.
You were very brave going back. I don't know when you will be able to enjoy the Choral Society again. Perhaps it is too soon or perhaps you will feel ever so slightly better next time. It may never be the same again. It may be that you will prefer to keep it as a beautiful memory that you shared with your husband.. You will learn to cope and move forward in the best way for you. But its very hard and there is no hurry. As someone else said One day at a time.flowers

Sending hugs to everyone.

Grandma70s Wed 23-Jun-21 20:38:47

I thought I’d posted a reply, but apparently not. I must have stopped at the preview stage.

I just wanted to say that when my husband died, many years ago (we were both forty), singing was one of the main things that helped me to survive. I didn’t stop going to rehearsals and doing concerts. They were my lifeline. After a rehearsal the week after he died, my choir master came over to me and thanked me for turning up. I told him, truthfully, that it had done me a lot of good. We were doing Bach’s B Minor Mass, which was my husband’s favourite piece. He had been so looking forward to the concert.

It wasn’t something we did together, though, I was the singer, he was the audience. It kept me going through the years that followed, though I had a constant fear of failing an audition. We were auditioned every three years. In the end I left before I could be pushed, but by that time the concentration and enjoyment had done its healing job.

Keep going if you possibly can. It will help immeasurably in the end.

Luckygirl Wed 23-Jun-21 21:10:27

Thank you all so much for the encouragement to just stick with it as best I can. I am sure that I would feel even worse if I let it drop - it would be as if my life was over too.

Whiff Wed 23-Jun-21 21:27:27

Luckygirl glad you are going to stick to your singing. Whatever gives you joy is important to keep up. It will get you through tough times. And I am sure your husband would be happy to know that you are doing something you both loved.

Deedaa Wed 23-Jun-21 21:35:07

I find it's mainly television programmes we used to watch. It's not the same watching on my own - even ones that we used to argue about. They just aren't fun if I watch on my own.

nadateturbe Wed 23-Jun-21 22:08:27

I'm glad you've decided to stick with it Luckygirl. I wasnt sure how to advise you but I'm sure it's what your husband would want you to do. And I'm sure it will give you joy again.