It's blooming hard some days....

MerylStreep That is sweet! I have 3 DDs and 2 of my 7 GC are female - although one is now choosing not to be - that is a whole other story!

I have not (yet) experienced the idea of being a threat to other women by being on my own - maybe I have that to come; but at my age I doubt it very much.

There is a whole lot to adapt to; and it needs strength which I do not think I possess at the moment.

I do think some women in a marriage do become threatened by women alone.
This happened to me. I have always gone on long walks and often met one of my neighbours and we would chat. After a few weeks his wife started to accompany him. She had never walked with him before and I could tell she was worried that I had designs on her husband.
I found it annoying as I had only recently been bereaved and it was the last thing I wanted.
And yes life is difficult without your special person.

As we’ve wandered onto grandchildren are all of you aware of this fact.
If you have a medical background you you probably do. But it blows me away. www.tcoyf.com/fun-little-fact-mention-next-time-grandmas-dinner/

Luckygirl
That’s lovely ?

My OH definitely lives on in one of my GSs in particular: thin (very), brain like a planet, attracted to abstract knowledge for its own sake, academic high-flyer. He is a clone! It is quite bizarre.

Whiff you have a lovely way of putting things, keep posting

MerylStreep my brother the cheeky sod says I have mouth diarrhoea. ?. We are close as he's only 16 months younger than me. Even though he tells people I am 16 years older than him when we are together. So he gets a thump.

Luckygirl you are and never will be a crabby old baggage. You like the rest of us are heartbroken and missing the part of us that makes us whole.

When all who have lost the other half of themselves. Feel low. Look at all you have achieved since you have been on you own. And know how proud they would be of us. It's another way I cope when the tidal wave of grief washes over me out of the blue.

You may not think you have achieved much but you will be surprised how much you have had to do and lived to fight another day. I don't mean big things but something small like tightening a loose screw.

Anniebach I understand how hard it is for you. Being widowed so young is grossly unfair. You and your husband have been cheated out of your life together. Your children their father and grandchildren their granddad. My husband couldn't wait to be a granddad . We have 5 grandson's. Unfortunately my son decided he doesn't want anything to do with me but that's another story for a different thread. But my daughter's boys I see every week and spend hours with them.

What gives me comfort is our children and grandsons have his DNA weird I know but in a way he lives on in them.

Look after yourselves and know you are not alone. ?

Whiff
What a lovely post ?

I like to think that all the single people we invite is because I like their company.
There is a single person I take to keep fit but I certainly wouldn’t have her for dinner/ drinks. Every morsel of food that she eats is accompanied by comments on what her doctor tells her she can/ can’t eat. She’s as fit as a butchers dog at 85.

So sorry for all, please don’t be offended but I want to say I
envy you, you are now so alone but have many happy years to
remember all your shared, my husband died when we had only
been married 8 years, didn’t see our daughters grow up, has three grandchildren who know nothing about him.

Will add being a 33 year old widow, I didn’t experience not being invited to things, the opposite, dinner parties which included a single man !

I am quite relieved that others feel the same way - I thought I was being a crabby old baggage!

Luckygirl

*that feeling of being someone’s obligation.*

There you have it in a nutshell.

There is no-one who is "your person" any more - you are on the periphery of the lives of others and included because of the need to be kind to you.

Sigh.

Yep. It sucks!

Had to leave home at 11.30 to get my bus. That's another great thing about living in Merseyside you get a free bus/ local train pass at 60 men and women. Would have had to be 66 in West Midlands and only for buses.

I think woman cope better being on their own easier than men. I know some men cope just as well. But all the widowers I know find it's the lack of routine hard. Work was routine , retirement with their wife or partner they was a routine to that . Then they feel set adrift. I know my husband would have been like that. Their was a rthymn to our life.

I expected to die first as I have been ill for so long. And that thought worried me for years. Not the dieing but how he would cope. I knew 2 things he would work none stop also for a short while he would have drunk to much. Until the children stopped him with a wake up call. It's like my brother and I knew if mom had died before dad he wouldn't have lasted 6 months . He would have pined away for her.

A friend of mine her mom died beginning of the year her dad the end of the same year. Even though they had a long stormy marriage she always said her dad couldn't and didn't want to live without her.

It's hard when half of you dies but if you have been together a long time it's harder. Many like me may have had to do a lot of firsts on your own. My husband made me promise to go on holiday the year after he died. I did to York for 4 days . First time I had ever been on holiday by myself . Did a lot of firsts those few days including first time at the age of 46 walking into a pub by myself. Seems laughable now . It's like our first date we went to a pub . I was 16 never been in a pub before.

That was 2005 haven't had a holiday since but promised myself a holiday in 3 years when I get my pension. I want to go back to Ireland on the west coast. It will have to be a city break I don't drive.

What annoyed me about my holiday I went to an independent hotel and had to pay a single person supplement on my room. It was a lovely hotel and the staff where brilliant. I was the only person on their own and one of them always came and talked to me during dinner. But why I was I penalised for being on my own, Does that still happen nowadays that independent hotels charge single room supplement?

I thought as the years go by making the decisions would come easier it wasn't at my old house. I supposed even though after he died the house was just mine but still thought of it as ours. Saw him everyday sitting in his armchair after dinner with his laptop files round his feet. I used to hear him come through the front door and drop both of his briefcases in the porch at 6.30.

That all changed when I moved. Only saw him once that was Christmas day . Had our daughter and family here for the day. And saw him standing by the tree with that stupid grin on his face .

I suppose it's because I choose the bungalow. All the things I have had done it's been my choice , my colours even my choice of plants as I stripped both front and back gardens and started again. Even brought a greenhouse.

That was a hard thing to think I and me , not us and ours. I still sleep in our bed new mattress. All my furniture is what we choose together. But added new side tables and a large storage footstool.

Especially since moving done things never thought I could. I painted the back garden fence and on the drive. Took me 4 days but I did it. Mind you it's a bit slap dash but looks better than before. Put my first 2 pieces of flat pack together this year. Ok it was only a bedside table and the tops wonky , and a shoe rack. Took me 2 weeks to realise put the one end on upside down soon put right. I brought my first cordless screwdriver kit. To make them. I could image my husband laughing as I put them together. I even varnished them.

As usual I have rambled on. That's another thing I have become a chatterbox . Just realised I have become my mom. My daughter called her Nannie chatterbox. Babysitting yesterday I was talking to my youngest grandson he's 7 months he just smiles and chuckles I fully expect him to say one day stop talking Nannie. Had his brother say to me not long ago he said I want to talk now. Make a point of letting him speak first now. The little terror got me with the spray bottle yesterday when he was supposed to spraying the tomato flowers . Got him back thought.

Better stop this saga. Have the best day you can and find something to make you smile even if it's a pretty cloud. ?

Luckygirl I always make a point of when I am out to wish people good day. Because after my husband died the only time once the children had gone it was the only time I spoke to anyone face to face. I know how much it meant to me when they answered back. My thought was you never know if you are the only person they speak to all day.

Probably why I speak to my husband everyday out loud just so I can hear a voice. Sounds pathetic writing it down but it's how I feel.

Since moving I resolved to change. I joined sit fit, craft group and U3A all closed due to Covid. But started a new exercise group GP referral called active ageing run by the council. I love it. My craft group may be starting soon my daughter tells me will just wait and see.

Just seen the time have to go on baby sitting soon. Will pop in later

A lonely place indeed.

Thank you to those who have shared these experiences - it is very sad that we should all find similar challenges in our lives.

I do have friends and I do a lot with them because we belong to the same things. But, when I am with them, they talk about their meetings outside of these activities (often with spouses), and I become acutely aware that I was not included. I try and grit my teeth and say nowt. They send photos of the lovely holidays they are having together - I find that hard.

I have family - very DDs and 7 GC, 4 of whom are in the same county. I do some school pick-ups (since I have had both my vaccinations) and give them their tea. They are all very loving and I know that I am lucky to have them. But I recognise that they have their own lives to lead and that I cannot live in their pockets. I am, as always now, on the outside looking in.

Nor can I expect to share their holidays - I am struggling to work out how I can do this on my own: do I go to a familiar place where I know the route and what there is to do there, or will that just make me sad, as my mind will be full of all we did together?

Covid has played a big role in this as things that I might have done have been knocked on the head since about 4 weeks after my OH died. My choirs are in abeyance; volunteering that I might have done is curtailed; it was a whole year before I could do school pick-ups etc.

I very much make myself count my blessings - I am not unaware of them - but there is something that none of these blessings can replace, and it is hard to express.

I have just received a whatsapp from a friend to tell me that she has left some redcurrants for me in my doorstep - now why did she not ring the bell and say hello?......... the answer is because she has no idea how important that would have been to me. This is what people, however kind, simply do not get.

In the end all I can do is to plod on - but I do have weepy days.

to all those who know what I am talking about.

Not a widow but I find the same as a bereaved parent. It's like people think it's catching. I also just don't feel I relate to people who haven't been through it. So I isolate myself a lot. Grief can be a lonely place.

Luckygirl Of course, I don’t know if this is the case here but, if you are no longer being made to feel welcome by couples you used to socialise with together, do not discount the influence jealous wives may have in this. Women tend to be the social secretaries so they may be the ones calling the shots.

Like Whiff, my husband died young, before we had children and I have lived alone ever since. I have dated a little over the years but never met a man who didn’t bring a world of complications and trouble into my life that I didn’t want. In my sixties now, I have developed a full and independent life that I enjoy (or am starting to as things open up again) but it is a constant effort.

I won’t go into detail about the shut-outs I’ve encountered over those twenty years from neighbours, from people I thought were were close friends, from people on holiday and in other social situations. Some shockingly petty and mean behaviour that, in the early days of trying to rebuild my life, often reduced me to tears. Always from the woman in a couple.

I used to think it was because I was younger and reasonably attractive then but it still goes on now that I am a silver-haired, bus pass-carrying pensioner whose figure has gone south. I feel like getting a sign that says: I am not Jolene. I am not interested in taking your man. I’m just here to [drink | eat | watch a film| hear some music| enjoy a holiday].

It can take a super-human effort to put yourself out there, to go to things on you own, to walk into a venue alone. Sometimes all you want it to hear is a friendly voice saying: this seat’s free, please join us, come and sit here. What you often get is a woman grasping her man’s arm, pulling that spare chair closer and saying she’s saving it for someone else while the husband mumbles an embarrassed apology because, chances are, there’s is no someone else. I go sit somewhere else while that seat stays stubbornly empty and I wonder how she’ll feel if and when when her time comes to feel like an outsider in a world of couples.

I have been “fortunate” in an awful way really , we had a close group of 4 couples locally . We all met via play groups or at the school gate 45 years ago and remained close supportive friends , the men too unusually. But sadly over the last three years 3 of us have had partners die. The remaining couple and us singles still meet up and do things together which has been amazing for us . The man that lost his wife needs coaxing at times but we look after each other .
I do have other female friends and they too have been great in keeping in contact and eventually we will meet and go places together. I’m wondering as we coincidentally mainly came from a medical/ nursing background if we find it easier to “deal” with loss as it has always been in our lives . Or maybe I just have been extremely fortunate .

Hello Luckygirl, sorry you are experiencing this too. I've just found out I wasn't invited to someone's leaving dinner.

I do recommend joining WAY UP, it's free, a very supportive and private website for the bereaved. They also have a Facebook page, again private. I wouldn't have got through the early days without it as friends disappeared after the first few months.

I also dislike the term 'widow'. I was OH's wife and always will be. I do wish society as a whole wasn't so keen to label everyone according to age, marital status, ethnicity etc. We're all humans with our mixture of needs and emotions and that's what's important.

Whiff, my heart goes out to you. Like all of us here, I understand the raw emptiness of knowing the one person who knew you, who encouraged you, who "got" you and was always there for you is gone. For me, some of the worst moments are when I wake from a dream about him and realise that it was a dream and I must face another day alone.

As Luckygirl said, there is no longer a 'your person' and it does feel frightening at times, as though a physical part of you is missing even though the mirror says all your components are there. It used to be that, if we went out together, we'd come home and chat about our shared experience. If I went out alone, I'd come home and share thoughts about what I'd done, where I'd been and the quirky things that made me smile (or grind my teeth). Now, I tell the cat or maybe phone my daughter but it's not the same.

If friends invite me to join them, I've never, so far, felt it's been a pity thing. I enjoy their company, the things we do together but the real loneliness sets in when there's nobody at home to smile with about the day.

I will survive; I will live the years I have left as well as I can; I will strive to find contentment - but, Hell's teeth, it's hard at times.

My husband died 17 years ago 4 days after his 47 birthday. I was 45. I am a widow and refuse to be classed as single. He was my one and only . I miss him as much today as I did the day he died. I lived 100 + miles away from my children until 2 years ago next month. A 3 hour journey. For over 15 years of that I have lived on my own. My mom lived with me for her last 18months.

My husband dieing was not his nor mine choice. Unfortunately he was diagnosed with a grade 4 malignant melanoma in January 2001 and given 5 years. He died February 2004.

I know what bone crushing loss is. Where it's an effort to put on foot in front of the other. It's an effort to wash or even clean your teeth. You think what's the point of going on. The rage and angry I felt ,and felt I was wicked feeling like this. Then I realised it's normal. It's all part of grieving. But in my case and probably in some of your cases it never stops. You just cope with it like I do one day at a time. And before you know it years have gone by. But the loss is the same. There is no magic tap to turn it off.

I lost half of me and that had gone for good. My present and future died with him. I have had to make a new present and future like all who loss their other halves. It's hard but have to do it. I promised my husband I would live the best life I can and I do. But it's a struggle at times.

Being widowed means suddenly you have to make all the decisions. And the only person in the whole world who knows you inside and out is gone. I will never have anyone like that in my life ever again. No one who knows me.

Hopefully I am not the only one who feels that way.

Whiff

I know Luckygirl has daughter's. So MawBe you only wanted views from people who have no family. Or do those with family but live own our not count. I am confused by your request?

I can’t imagine what gave you this idea Whiff? I don’t understand what you mean by those with family but live own our not count
Like Luckygirl I have three daughters but none nearer than 1 1/2 hours away (60-75 miles) and in my case no other family.
I was talking about those who have lost their husbands - I refuse to use the word “widow”- and find themselves alone through no choice of their own.

that feeling of being someone’s obligation.

There you have it in a nutshell.

There is no-one who is "your person" any more - you are on the periphery of the lives of others and included because of the need to be kind to you.

Sigh.

One friend actually said to me up front, ‘We’ll be meeting for lunches now. I can’t invite you for dinner because you will unbalance the table.’ ?

It’s something that happens when life means that you don’t quite fit any more into the group. The single person whose friends are married, the childless couple whose friends start families, the person whose partner dies when friends are still couples. And for me now, the loss of friends who have become grandparents and only really want to be with other grandparents to share their main interest.

Some will make an effort, but I was always aware that it was and that made it awkward for me to approach people.

It’s difficult to explain until it happens, that feeling of being someone’s obligation.

I know Luckygirl has daughter's. So MawBe you only wanted views from people who have no family. Or do those with family but live own our not count. I am confused by your request?

No you are not alone at all. I found it when I was alone at 50 and DD finds it now in her late 50s. All sorts of people just ignore you when it comes to invites - they will come if you invite and are cooking a meal etc but not invite back.
Same now as a couple who are 80 - very very few invites from friends - family always include us. We now just go out on our own or with one of two couples we meet regularly for lunch out somewhere. Not needing to host events saves a bit of cash and allows more outings on our own!
Other people have in the past said to me how invitations dry up the older you get. I think that maybe much more of a British thing as here in France it is common to see widely mixed age ranges out together.