It's blooming hard some days....

Yes it's odd. At first they're all there, supportive but then later when They are over the shock, and maybe they think we're coping, one just drops off the radar.

When I moved it got better as they came to see my new place - and I do still see them but now I've started making new friends aswell.
I hope the same will be for you. In the mean time, - keep busy?!

Lucky girl, I am so sad to read that. The first time I ever heard anyone make an observation like that was when my Gran said it, 55 years ago. Since then, others have made the same comment and I was dreading the same thing happening to me. So far, it hasn't and I thought the world must have moved on and attitudes changed. But, clearly, I've been lucky in my circle of friends. Nobody has been anywhere much for months but, as social life opens up again, I hope your friends will start to include you in things.

Just a thought - have you tried inviting yourself? For example, if a group of friends are planning a trip to the cinema or an exhibition, just leap in and say something like, "Can I come? I'd love to go to the Hockney exhibition and it's much more fun in a group..." Unless they're complete churls, they'd have to work hard to find a reason to say No.

I do sometimes think people can be a little over sensitive and are hesitant about asking the recently bereaved to join in activities because they worry you might not be quite ready to have some fun and might think it inappropriate to suggest some enjoyable entertainment. If that's the case, just let it be known in your circle that, while you don't want or need any pity invites, you're still up for any fun to be had in exactly the same way you always used to be.

and I do hope things get better for you.

It is the same for people who separate or divorce - the women not so much the men. I found it strange as I had a single friend and I often included her in dinner parties.
DD finds it much the same - it is as if women think a single woman is a threat to them in some way. Because it is so awful I make a point now of inviting single women to things.

Luckygirl
It’s a shame you don’t live near me. We have several of our single neighbours at varying numbers at weekends.
My closest friend ( next door but one) has people who would be on their own every sunday.
My next door neighbour/friend does the same.
Would your friends/ neighbours accept an invite from you?
We have some good weather coming up so maybe a casual get together in the garden starting early evening.

Luckygirl 6 months after my husband died someone asked me if I was better and got over it. I walked away. That was the 45 year old me the now 63 would have given them a mouth full.

17 years I still haven't gotten over my darling dieing. And never will. It's amazed me after his funeral some people you thought of friends disappeared.

I have said this before on a thread but will tell you what happened to me. A few months after he died. I was shopping in my local town saw a woman we had been friends with for years . She saw me stopped dead look of horror on her face and dashed into a shop. The me then was hurt but carried on. The me now would have gone in after her and asked what her problem was.

It's once you become a widow some people treat you as if it's catching. And that's why you are no longer included in social events.

After the funeral you soon learn who your real friends and relatives are. As relatives disappear as well. I am lucky it was my husband's side that disappeared my own relatives where still there for me and the children.

Unfortunately I had awful in law's . My husband loved them but didn't like them . I hated them because if they way they didn't love him. They treated us and my family appallingly. But we never gave up on them. His mother got worse after his father died and worse still after my husband died. But I was still there for her . Spent the last 2 days of her life 15 hours each day by her bedside. Her own brother didn't do that.

Through out our life's we wear labels daughter, wife ,mother , sister etc. But being labelled widowed it's as if we become un touchable to some people. Don't know what they are afraid of. Do they think they will have to do something for us or we will collapse in a hail of tears.

They forget one day it will happen to them. Only hope when it does they are treated the same way. But no doubt they will be the first one to cry on your shoulder.

Mind you solved that problem I moved over 100 mile's almost 2 years ago. It may seem strange and again have written this before but I got my identity back. Up here people know me not wife then widow or children's mom. But me. Even my postman calls me by my Christian name. I lived my whole life in the West Midlands but since moving to the north west I got me back. Sounds selfish I know but it's not.

One of the main things my husband made me promise was to life the best life I can and I do . It's not easy and as the years go by miss him all the more. Had health problems and last year my son decided to throw me away like a piece of rubbish. I haven't done anything wrong. Seems my daughter in law doesn't like me living 40 mins away from them. My daughter loves me living 10 mins from them.

Being widowed some people treat us differently. Yes in some ways we are as grief alters us but deep down we are the same person they have always known. I will never understand why they do it. But I cherish the friends and family who have suck with me threw thick and thin

. And if I can help another widow or widower I do. At lot of time I found people just want to talk about their loved one. Even complete strangers. Happened a few weeks ago. This old man started to tell me about his wife. We where waiting to cross the road but I stayed with him after we crossed as I couldn't walk away. He was so broken. He was 89 she was younger. Both had Covid he was a lot worse but she died and he couldn't understand why. He didn't cry but just wanted to talk. He thanked me as he said all his friends where still married and didn't understand. As after months they expected him to get over it.

You get over a cold grief lasts forever.

If it’s any consolation Lucky even couples are not invited any more. Of course part of this is due to the pandemic but it is also that as you get older there seems to be less going on.

I have also found that my newly widowed friend told me she is now uncomfortable going out with other couples as it makes her sad.

As Scribbles said if you would like to go to something invite yourself or mention to others that you would still like to be invited.
With my single friends I am guided by them.

So sad for everyone on their own.

I used to volunteer in a charity shop. One day an elderly lady seemed to want to talk. The shop wasn't busy so I happily chatted to her for quite a while.
Eventually she fished in her purse and took out £5 and said 'thank you for talking to me, please give this to your charity'. Sad.

Absolutely.
You change “status” in the eyes of some. Coffee, cup of tea , or lunch (often “ladies”) if you are lucky, at best.
My friend in Scotland lost her husband while in her 50’s and made the same point as OP. Oh no, I said, that is because where you live is still in the “Dark Ages” with formal dinner parties - that wouldn’t happen down here . Huh!
Well it does- anywhere.
As a woman on her own (I hate the term widow) one might enjoy coffee with a friend, or if lucky, an invitation to lunch with a couple. The best friends for me were the sensitive ones who invited a few others as well, so that I didn’t feel I was creating an odd number.
And before anybody says why don’t you do the inviting, I do, but admit it is always lunch, especially in summer in the garden, not least because doing the meal, drinks, plus the hostess chitchat is hard work for one.
Ro60 makes a good point too - and I hesitated to make too much of it as it sounds self-pitying, but yes, you drop off the radar.
Like Scribbles says, sometimes you have to pluck up the courage to invite yourself, but the fear of rejection is that much greater when alone is the default position.

In my circle of buddies, we don't do invite. Somebody suggests a meet and we fix it. Now that somebody could be me. I ring or text around a wait for feedback. Bingo. Not always successful, of course, but usually some response. Do you ever instigate a meeting be it with one other person or a few? If not, please try it. Sometimes, if you're not in the mix for a while, people assume you don't want to be. I know some people find it difficult to 'organise' but I'm only talking small groups for a simple coffee, lunch or walk in the park. It's those meetings that lead to more elaborate days out I find. I wish you well with this. Friendship is so important and energising but I do urge you to do some of the suggesting/inviting. It is not a one way street. Good luck.

Perhaps crossed posts Kim19 but if you read what I said, fear of seeming needy can be a big stumbling block. Easy enough from the security of a relationship even if, as in my case for the last 18 months of my husbands life, he was rarely well enough to go to things with me.

There must be many many members who have found themselves alone on the loss of their partner.
I would really welcome the views of more of you, as I can’t believe Luckygirl, Ro60, Scribbles and I are unique in this.

No you are not alone at all. I found it when I was alone at 50 and DD finds it now in her late 50s. All sorts of people just ignore you when it comes to invites - they will come if you invite and are cooking a meal etc but not invite back.
Same now as a couple who are 80 - very very few invites from friends - family always include us. We now just go out on our own or with one of two couples we meet regularly for lunch out somewhere. Not needing to host events saves a bit of cash and allows more outings on our own!
Other people have in the past said to me how invitations dry up the older you get. I think that maybe much more of a British thing as here in France it is common to see widely mixed age ranges out together.

I know Luckygirl has daughter's. So MawBe you only wanted views from people who have no family. Or do those with family but live own our not count. I am confused by your request?

One friend actually said to me up front, ‘We’ll be meeting for lunches now. I can’t invite you for dinner because you will unbalance the table.’ ?

It’s something that happens when life means that you don’t quite fit any more into the group. The single person whose friends are married, the childless couple whose friends start families, the person whose partner dies when friends are still couples. And for me now, the loss of friends who have become grandparents and only really want to be with other grandparents to share their main interest.

Some will make an effort, but I was always aware that it was and that made it awkward for me to approach people.

It’s difficult to explain until it happens, that feeling of being someone’s obligation.

that feeling of being someone’s obligation.

There you have it in a nutshell.

There is no-one who is "your person" any more - you are on the periphery of the lives of others and included because of the need to be kind to you.

Sigh.

Whiff

I know Luckygirl has daughter's. So MawBe you only wanted views from people who have no family. Or do those with family but live own our not count. I am confused by your request?

I can’t imagine what gave you this idea Whiff? I don’t understand what you mean by those with family but live own our not count
Like Luckygirl I have three daughters but none nearer than 1 1/2 hours away (60-75 miles) and in my case no other family.
I was talking about those who have lost their husbands - I refuse to use the word “widow”- and find themselves alone through no choice of their own.

My husband died 17 years ago 4 days after his 47 birthday. I was 45. I am a widow and refuse to be classed as single. He was my one and only . I miss him as much today as I did the day he died. I lived 100 + miles away from my children until 2 years ago next month. A 3 hour journey. For over 15 years of that I have lived on my own. My mom lived with me for her last 18months.

My husband dieing was not his nor mine choice. Unfortunately he was diagnosed with a grade 4 malignant melanoma in January 2001 and given 5 years. He died February 2004.

I know what bone crushing loss is. Where it's an effort to put on foot in front of the other. It's an effort to wash or even clean your teeth. You think what's the point of going on. The rage and angry I felt ,and felt I was wicked feeling like this. Then I realised it's normal. It's all part of grieving. But in my case and probably in some of your cases it never stops. You just cope with it like I do one day at a time. And before you know it years have gone by. But the loss is the same. There is no magic tap to turn it off.

I lost half of me and that had gone for good. My present and future died with him. I have had to make a new present and future like all who loss their other halves. It's hard but have to do it. I promised my husband I would live the best life I can and I do. But it's a struggle at times.

Being widowed means suddenly you have to make all the decisions. And the only person in the whole world who knows you inside and out is gone. I will never have anyone like that in my life ever again. No one who knows me.

Hopefully I am not the only one who feels that way.

I also dislike the term 'widow'. I was OH's wife and always will be. I do wish society as a whole wasn't so keen to label everyone according to age, marital status, ethnicity etc. We're all humans with our mixture of needs and emotions and that's what's important.

Whiff, my heart goes out to you. Like all of us here, I understand the raw emptiness of knowing the one person who knew you, who encouraged you, who "got" you and was always there for you is gone. For me, some of the worst moments are when I wake from a dream about him and realise that it was a dream and I must face another day alone.

As Luckygirl said, there is no longer a 'your person' and it does feel frightening at times, as though a physical part of you is missing even though the mirror says all your components are there. It used to be that, if we went out together, we'd come home and chat about our shared experience. If I went out alone, I'd come home and share thoughts about what I'd done, where I'd been and the quirky things that made me smile (or grind my teeth). Now, I tell the cat or maybe phone my daughter but it's not the same.

If friends invite me to join them, I've never, so far, felt it's been a pity thing. I enjoy their company, the things we do together but the real loneliness sets in when there's nobody at home to smile with about the day.

I will survive; I will live the years I have left as well as I can; I will strive to find contentment - but, Hell's teeth, it's hard at times.

Hello Luckygirl, sorry you are experiencing this too. I've just found out I wasn't invited to someone's leaving dinner.

I do recommend joining WAY UP, it's free, a very supportive and private website for the bereaved. They also have a Facebook page, again private. I wouldn't have got through the early days without it as friends disappeared after the first few months.

I have been “fortunate” in an awful way really , we had a close group of 4 couples locally . We all met via play groups or at the school gate 45 years ago and remained close supportive friends , the men too unusually. But sadly over the last three years 3 of us have had partners die. The remaining couple and us singles still meet up and do things together which has been amazing for us . The man that lost his wife needs coaxing at times but we look after each other .
I do have other female friends and they too have been great in keeping in contact and eventually we will meet and go places together. I’m wondering as we coincidentally mainly came from a medical/ nursing background if we find it easier to “deal” with loss as it has always been in our lives . Or maybe I just have been extremely fortunate .

Luckygirl Of course, I don’t know if this is the case here but, if you are no longer being made to feel welcome by couples you used to socialise with together, do not discount the influence jealous wives may have in this. Women tend to be the social secretaries so they may be the ones calling the shots.

Like Whiff, my husband died young, before we had children and I have lived alone ever since. I have dated a little over the years but never met a man who didn’t bring a world of complications and trouble into my life that I didn’t want. In my sixties now, I have developed a full and independent life that I enjoy (or am starting to as things open up again) but it is a constant effort.

I won’t go into detail about the shut-outs I’ve encountered over those twenty years from neighbours, from people I thought were were close friends, from people on holiday and in other social situations. Some shockingly petty and mean behaviour that, in the early days of trying to rebuild my life, often reduced me to tears. Always from the woman in a couple.

I used to think it was because I was younger and reasonably attractive then but it still goes on now that I am a silver-haired, bus pass-carrying pensioner whose figure has gone south. I feel like getting a sign that says: I am not Jolene. I am not interested in taking your man. I’m just here to [drink | eat | watch a film| hear some music| enjoy a holiday].

It can take a super-human effort to put yourself out there, to go to things on you own, to walk into a venue alone. Sometimes all you want it to hear is a friendly voice saying: this seat’s free, please join us, come and sit here. What you often get is a woman grasping her man’s arm, pulling that spare chair closer and saying she’s saving it for someone else while the husband mumbles an embarrassed apology because, chances are, there’s is no someone else. I go sit somewhere else while that seat stays stubbornly empty and I wonder how she’ll feel if and when when her time comes to feel like an outsider in a world of couples.

Not a widow but I find the same as a bereaved parent. It's like people think it's catching. I also just don't feel I relate to people who haven't been through it. So I isolate myself a lot. Grief can be a lonely place.

A lonely place indeed.

Thank you to those who have shared these experiences - it is very sad that we should all find similar challenges in our lives.

I do have friends and I do a lot with them because we belong to the same things. But, when I am with them, they talk about their meetings outside of these activities (often with spouses), and I become acutely aware that I was not included. I try and grit my teeth and say nowt. They send photos of the lovely holidays they are having together - I find that hard.

I have family - very DDs and 7 GC, 4 of whom are in the same county. I do some school pick-ups (since I have had both my vaccinations) and give them their tea. They are all very loving and I know that I am lucky to have them. But I recognise that they have their own lives to lead and that I cannot live in their pockets. I am, as always now, on the outside looking in.

Nor can I expect to share their holidays - I am struggling to work out how I can do this on my own: do I go to a familiar place where I know the route and what there is to do there, or will that just make me sad, as my mind will be full of all we did together?

Covid has played a big role in this as things that I might have done have been knocked on the head since about 4 weeks after my OH died. My choirs are in abeyance; volunteering that I might have done is curtailed; it was a whole year before I could do school pick-ups etc.

I very much make myself count my blessings - I am not unaware of them - but there is something that none of these blessings can replace, and it is hard to express.

I have just received a whatsapp from a friend to tell me that she has left some redcurrants for me in my doorstep - now why did she not ring the bell and say hello?......... the answer is because she has no idea how important that would have been to me. This is what people, however kind, simply do not get.

In the end all I can do is to plod on - but I do have weepy days.

to all those who know what I am talking about.