It's blooming hard some days....

There must be many many members who have found themselves alone on the loss of their partner.
I would really welcome the views of more of you, as I can’t believe Luckygirl, Ro60, Scribbles and I are unique in this.

Perhaps crossed posts Kim19 but if you read what I said, fear of seeming needy can be a big stumbling block. Easy enough from the security of a relationship even if, as in my case for the last 18 months of my husbands life, he was rarely well enough to go to things with me.

In my circle of buddies, we don't do invite. Somebody suggests a meet and we fix it. Now that somebody could be me. I ring or text around a wait for feedback. Bingo. Not always successful, of course, but usually some response. Do you ever instigate a meeting be it with one other person or a few? If not, please try it. Sometimes, if you're not in the mix for a while, people assume you don't want to be. I know some people find it difficult to 'organise' but I'm only talking small groups for a simple coffee, lunch or walk in the park. It's those meetings that lead to more elaborate days out I find. I wish you well with this. Friendship is so important and energising but I do urge you to do some of the suggesting/inviting. It is not a one way street. Good luck.

Absolutely.
You change “status” in the eyes of some. Coffee, cup of tea , or lunch (often “ladies”) if you are lucky, at best.
My friend in Scotland lost her husband while in her 50’s and made the same point as OP. Oh no, I said, that is because where you live is still in the “Dark Ages” with formal dinner parties - that wouldn’t happen down here . Huh!
Well it does- anywhere.
As a woman on her own (I hate the term widow) one might enjoy coffee with a friend, or if lucky, an invitation to lunch with a couple. The best friends for me were the sensitive ones who invited a few others as well, so that I didn’t feel I was creating an odd number.
And before anybody says why don’t you do the inviting, I do, but admit it is always lunch, especially in summer in the garden, not least because doing the meal, drinks, plus the hostess chitchat is hard work for one.
Ro60 makes a good point too - and I hesitated to make too much of it as it sounds self-pitying, but yes, you drop off the radar.
Like Scribbles says, sometimes you have to pluck up the courage to invite yourself, but the fear of rejection is that much greater when alone is the default position.

I used to volunteer in a charity shop. One day an elderly lady seemed to want to talk. The shop wasn't busy so I happily chatted to her for quite a while.
Eventually she fished in her purse and took out £5 and said 'thank you for talking to me, please give this to your charity'. Sad.

So sad for everyone on their own.

If it’s any consolation Lucky even couples are not invited any more. Of course part of this is due to the pandemic but it is also that as you get older there seems to be less going on.

I have also found that my newly widowed friend told me she is now uncomfortable going out with other couples as it makes her sad.

As Scribbles said if you would like to go to something invite yourself or mention to others that you would still like to be invited.
With my single friends I am guided by them.

Luckygirl 6 months after my husband died someone asked me if I was better and got over it. I walked away. That was the 45 year old me the now 63 would have given them a mouth full.

17 years I still haven't gotten over my darling dieing. And never will. It's amazed me after his funeral some people you thought of friends disappeared.

I have said this before on a thread but will tell you what happened to me. A few months after he died. I was shopping in my local town saw a woman we had been friends with for years . She saw me stopped dead look of horror on her face and dashed into a shop. The me then was hurt but carried on. The me now would have gone in after her and asked what her problem was.

It's once you become a widow some people treat you as if it's catching. And that's why you are no longer included in social events.

After the funeral you soon learn who your real friends and relatives are. As relatives disappear as well. I am lucky it was my husband's side that disappeared my own relatives where still there for me and the children.

Unfortunately I had awful in law's . My husband loved them but didn't like them . I hated them because if they way they didn't love him. They treated us and my family appallingly. But we never gave up on them. His mother got worse after his father died and worse still after my husband died. But I was still there for her . Spent the last 2 days of her life 15 hours each day by her bedside. Her own brother didn't do that.

Through out our life's we wear labels daughter, wife ,mother , sister etc. But being labelled widowed it's as if we become un touchable to some people. Don't know what they are afraid of. Do they think they will have to do something for us or we will collapse in a hail of tears.

They forget one day it will happen to them. Only hope when it does they are treated the same way. But no doubt they will be the first one to cry on your shoulder.

Mind you solved that problem I moved over 100 mile's almost 2 years ago. It may seem strange and again have written this before but I got my identity back. Up here people know me not wife then widow or children's mom. But me. Even my postman calls me by my Christian name. I lived my whole life in the West Midlands but since moving to the north west I got me back. Sounds selfish I know but it's not.

One of the main things my husband made me promise was to life the best life I can and I do . It's not easy and as the years go by miss him all the more. Had health problems and last year my son decided to throw me away like a piece of rubbish. I haven't done anything wrong. Seems my daughter in law doesn't like me living 40 mins away from them. My daughter loves me living 10 mins from them.

Being widowed some people treat us differently. Yes in some ways we are as grief alters us but deep down we are the same person they have always known. I will never understand why they do it. But I cherish the friends and family who have suck with me threw thick and thin

. And if I can help another widow or widower I do. At lot of time I found people just want to talk about their loved one. Even complete strangers. Happened a few weeks ago. This old man started to tell me about his wife. We where waiting to cross the road but I stayed with him after we crossed as I couldn't walk away. He was so broken. He was 89 she was younger. Both had Covid he was a lot worse but she died and he couldn't understand why. He didn't cry but just wanted to talk. He thanked me as he said all his friends where still married and didn't understand. As after months they expected him to get over it.

You get over a cold grief lasts forever.

Luckygirl
It’s a shame you don’t live near me. We have several of our single neighbours at varying numbers at weekends.
My closest friend ( next door but one) has people who would be on their own every sunday.
My next door neighbour/friend does the same.
Would your friends/ neighbours accept an invite from you?
We have some good weather coming up so maybe a casual get together in the garden starting early evening.

It is the same for people who separate or divorce - the women not so much the men. I found it strange as I had a single friend and I often included her in dinner parties.
DD finds it much the same - it is as if women think a single woman is a threat to them in some way. Because it is so awful I make a point now of inviting single women to things.

Lucky girl, I am so sad to read that. The first time I ever heard anyone make an observation like that was when my Gran said it, 55 years ago. Since then, others have made the same comment and I was dreading the same thing happening to me. So far, it hasn't and I thought the world must have moved on and attitudes changed. But, clearly, I've been lucky in my circle of friends. Nobody has been anywhere much for months but, as social life opens up again, I hope your friends will start to include you in things.

Just a thought - have you tried inviting yourself? For example, if a group of friends are planning a trip to the cinema or an exhibition, just leap in and say something like, "Can I come? I'd love to go to the Hockney exhibition and it's much more fun in a group..." Unless they're complete churls, they'd have to work hard to find a reason to say No.

I do sometimes think people can be a little over sensitive and are hesitant about asking the recently bereaved to join in activities because they worry you might not be quite ready to have some fun and might think it inappropriate to suggest some enjoyable entertainment. If that's the case, just let it be known in your circle that, while you don't want or need any pity invites, you're still up for any fun to be had in exactly the same way you always used to be.

and I do hope things get better for you.

Yes it's odd. At first they're all there, supportive but then later when They are over the shock, and maybe they think we're coping, one just drops off the radar.

When I moved it got better as they came to see my new place - and I do still see them but now I've started making new friends aswell.
I hope the same will be for you. In the mean time, - keep busy?!