Have you lost friends following bereavement?

This doesn't just happen in bereavement. Some people seem to think that it's perfectly ok for someone in an estranged couple to be treated as a punchbag and completely turn their backs favouring the perpetrator! Personally, I can do without such 'friends', I would rather be alone!

My late wife joined the site some years ago. When she died, I began to realise how we had morphed into a WE, and most of our friends were mutual. Since Gillie died, I never hear from a number of them. I assume that we were obviously friends as a couple. So bereavement does make you 'single' again. sadly

I have to agree with other posters! Twice widowed, this exclusion by women who I previously thought were friends was very obvious. Only other single women continued to include me with regard to outings, events and parties. Very hurtful. As others have said, I would never "chase" a married man, nor would I have attempted to "take" the husband of a friend! I can only conclude that the wives guilty of such behaviour were clearly not secure in their relationships! Very Sad that so many bereaved or divorced women have experienced this!

nanasam a good subject for discussion ?
I have three friends who were bereaved in the last couple of years.I seem to have lost one of them, not through my neglect but rather because I stepped up my visits, she doesn’t drive (actually none of them do) and while the other two very much appreciate my taking them to places locally and for visits to chat and have a cuppa, she seems to have withdrawn and sees just about nobody these days.Doesn’t want visits (turns them down) or to go anywhere.Tbh she has always been a little like this but now really is a recluse.It’s a shame, but you can only try so much in the end.
I also talk ( when with bereaved friends) about their husband now and again, as too often it becomes as if they had never existed. Last week when having tea and chat with one of them I mentioned his music ( former musician) and she lit up when talking about him.
It is hard to know how much bereaved friends want including
In your life, because we are all different in that respect.
I ask them if they would like to do something, but am never offended if they turn it down.

Yes I agree , you do get dropped when you become single.
Married 25 years, long term friends disappeared over night
when the divorce became known.

So Sorry to read this from so many of you, it just adds to the pain.

I was 13 when my mother died. The same thing happened to me. I wasn't shunned exactly, but 'friends' didn't ask me out, or to parties etc.

I think it's at least partly because people don't know what to say, and they're embarassed. People crossed the street to avoid me.

I always make a point now of contacting bereaved friends, Listening if they need to talk, but also laughing and certainly asking over.

A couple of my friends disappeared into the woodwork when I lost my husband a little over four years ago and I noticed that gradually the invitations to social events stopped coming. I found out from mutual friends afterwards that it was because I was regarded as competition for my friends’ own husbands because I was once again single. I will never understand this attitude - I was faithful to my husband for over forty years and would never ‘go after’ anyone else’s man. I think it says more about their own insecurities because apart from anything else, the grief is overwhelming and being with another man is unthinkable - something that people can’t really fully understand until they’ve been through it themselves.

I lost someone who I considered to be one of my best friends when, a year after my husband died, I became friendly with the man who I will marry later this year - he was widowed around the same time as myself. Despite the fact that this friend didn’t know my late husband that well, she pronounced that I was not a ‘real widow’ whatever that is, and that I should be ashamed of myself - and that if her widowed father had taken up with another woman, she would have disowned him. To put this into perspective, her dad was in his eighties when he was widowed, I was in my fifties. I was shocked and very hurt at the time and although I tried to carry on the friendship, it was never the same after that and fizzled out.

When a partner dies, the pain of grief is both physical and mental - you don’t just lose the person, you lose your whole way of life and I think this is what most people fail to appreciate until they experience it for themselves. As one half of a couple there is always the subconscious knowledge that you have a fifty percent chance of being the one left behind. I think this is what comes to the surface and frightens people when they see it happening to someone close to them, so they withdraw so they don’t have to deal with it. I don’t think we talk about death enough in this country. Let’s face it, we’re all going to get there eventually so it’s weird that it should still be largely regarded as a taboo subject.

Yes quite a few and not only those in couples.

I agree with you Pammiel. it's as though it's a contagious disease.

I know those who are embarrassed because I meet them in the street and you can see it in their eyes as they ask how I am getting on.

To be fair this last 18months with the covid nobody has been able to have many social occasions and they all have families to see to.

I can't blame them really, I just think it's another stage to overcome. My 96yr old MiL who has been bereaved twice this year (DH and DS) is such a brave and stoical person. "You just have to get on with it" says she. I miss him so much but we were not a couple who did everything together. We had our own interests and some shared ones. I think ours was a healthy relationship.
I am glad you have found happiness Pammiel

I said something to this effect to my DD and she seemed shocked as she has friends who are single as well as friends who are in couples, while single herself. I only have one married friend who still invites me socially to things when her husband is there. Most of my friends are other divorcees or widows. I guess she is lucky to have married friends who include her. She even has a male friend she sometimes goes walking with as his partner isn't a walker. I wonder if his partner is totally OK with them doing that. It's very sad if single women are always seen as predators, though one of my friends did lose her husband to a single 'friend' so it does happen.

A friend told me that after she was widowed she got fed up with being chased by other women's husbands, who insisted she must be missing sex, and they were willing to oblige!!!

I can't repeat her replies. I leave you to guess!!

@wicklowwinnie. Yep, I’ve been at the receiving end of this too - the people involved were in rocky relationships and didn’t even wait a decent amount of time before starting this predatory and disgusting behaviour. Yet, on the other side of the coin, my late husbands’ best friend, who was recently divorced and single, was decent, respectful and a tower of strength at the worst time of my life - we remain firm friends.

H1954

This doesn't just happen in bereavement. Some people seem to think that it's perfectly ok for someone in an estranged couple to be treated as a punchbag and completely turn their backs favouring the perpetrator! Personally, I can do without such 'friends', I would rather be alone!

I wasn’t treated as a punchbag but I did lose most of my friends and what had been my only family when my marriage ended as they were mostly his friends to start off with and I had no family if my own. No one meant to take sides but it just happened that way even though I wasn’t the one who left him. It took a long time to rebuild my life. My neighbours and work colleagues were actually very kind to me.

It happens with divorce as well. I lost friends because I divorced and was even asked not to attend parent teacher meetings st my daughters’ school in the village where we lived. I’d worked hard to raise money and organise events. Our local vicar stopped attending meetings too in protest at such dreadful unkindness. I moved away to a more upmarket area where inbreeding wasn’t a problem with the natives.

I’ve just got three old friends out of all the
friends we did have. A few friends husbands tried it on so I lost those friendships, I wasn’t going to tell the wives, they would have thought I was at fault., I don’t see my long term friends as much as I would like as they still have their partners, but they are true friends and would be with me if I asked, which I don’t. I find joining established groups where friendships are already firmed difficult, as if one of them things I’m muscling in and they will lose their buddy. I have felt very lonely at time this pandemic and although my nature is outgoing, doubted myself thinking what do I do wrong for this to happen, I will go out somewhere now on my own, when things are more normal I will start to holiday alone, as can’t think anything will change for the foreseeable. When first widowed I was in constant demand to baby sit, they have all grown and flown and all too busy.

After my daughters father and I split up after 40 years - when a ‘friend’ explained she thought I might be after her husband- I told her that if I fancied her husband, I’d have gone after him when he was 30 with his own teeth, hair and no paunch and energy, not now , with him not having any of these features - she never bought it up again - true but effective

Granneretto, What that friend did to your mom was dreadful, she wasn’t a friend, you’re better off on your own, I can’t understand how anyone could do that.

Couldn't agree with you more eazybee.

When my husband left me, I had to take on DIY as well as raising two toddlers and everything else that comes with a home and family.

The gutter fell down off my porch (narrowly missing the milkman!) so I climbed a ladder to unscrew the broken part to make it safe. I didn't have a screwdriver big enough, so popped across the road to borrow one from my DIY loving neighbour and, until then, friend.

He answered the door, and I was barely through my request when his wife appeared and told him he was urgently needed to peel the potatoes for dinner. And then she closed the door on me.

I was perplexed, we had been good friends, so I knocked again. His wife opened the door, took one look at me and told me not to pester her husband again, that they were happily married and that I should be ashamed of myself.

I went out and bought a screwdriver, so much less embarrassing!

I've found I'm hardly ever asked to social occasions anymore now I'm in my own. I get out for lunch and shows with my girl friends, but never get asked if they are having barbeques, dinner, etc at their homes if it's all couples.
A close friend's hubby worked abroad and I saw her all the time and now he's retired I'm lucky to get out for a lunch every couple of months now, totally dropped. It hurts when I think of our friendship when she was on her own and how she treats me now she has her hubby back full time.

I have been widowed twice, and yes invitations to dinner do dry up. I think it's important to develop separate interests when married so that you are not left high and dry when left a widow (or widower). Also in later life there are far more women left than men, so single friends should not be difficult to find. I was immensely grateful to widowed friends when I lost my second husband. As one said "We've all been through it".

I have a friend who found this. At a time she needed her friend most they all
Kept away - she was devastated

My DH died unexpectedly last year. To be honest, we had more support from some friends than from some family members. There have been few social occasions on the go, but I have been to the homes of two couples for a meal, and, like other posters, have met the wives of the couples for coffee. Due to the limited numbers allowed to attend funerals ( we had 30 ), after allowing for close family, we ‘invited’ the three couples who visited DH at home, and who helped me take him out sometimes. Unfortunately, I’ve had a different problem, in that one of the husbands has made unwelcome suggestions to me. I’m sure that others will have been in a similar situation. It will be interesting to see what happens in the future, re invitations.

@grannybuy. Soon after my husband passed away I had similar problems with the male half of a couple who were good friends. I told him in no uncertain terms that his advances were unwelcome and inappropriate, and that if they continued I would be forced to tell his wife. The insinuation was that I was probably missing sex and that he would be happy to oblige. I sometimes do seriously wonder if some men are from a different planet !!

I lost my husband almost two years ago. We had a few couples as friends but after he died they hardly get in touch. Obviously covid has interfered with meeting up but they have hardly been in touch. One couple in particular, who we have known for about 40 years drifted away I suspect because a couple of their
other friends had ended up single (husbands had died) and he was fed up being in women’s company all the time. My husband and I did do everything together so it’s this I miss. I also don’t like going out with couples because I feel like the third wheel. And I’m definitely not looking for another man. No one could take the place of my DH.

Yes, I have been widowed for five years, and our oldest friends of 35 years have never been in touch, they came to DH funeral, and that was it.
I understand though, perhaps too painful for them.