Have you lost friends following bereavement?

I think if you lose them - they were never friends in the first place. A few of mine have lost their husbands in the past year or two - as far as I’m concerned they need you more than ever !

We’re they ever true friends in the first place ? I think not
Two of my friends have been bereaved over the last two years - as far as am concerned they need me more than ever

My very dear friend said she hoped I would understand but she couldn't cope with singles. It still grates and that was many years ago and she is long since dead. Unimaginable.

I’m sure some of these ‘friends’ think now you’re a widow you might try and steal their husbands.

I can't believe that people can be so heartless. I have widowed friends and ask them to social occasions. Some of these women obviously feel that they can't trust their husbands!

The first male to try his 'luck' with me was just days after DH died, they were actually work colleagues and this man would never have interested me in a million years, he was only younger and with a young family.

Fortunately he didn't drive so there was no risk of him arriving unannounced and there was no public transport where we lived, so he asked me to drive and collect him, he would stay for 4 days and I could drive him home later.

He also suggested I tell my teen children they had to go stay with some of their friends...not to mention he had a wife at home with 4 young children.

My DH died suddenly so our 2 teens (like me) were still coming to terms with our sudden loss and for someone to suggest this was just the tipping point and I know my reply probably wasn't polite but I told this man to get lost in no uncertain terms. I was so upset that can't remember exactly what I said, but it left me shaking and in tears for days.

The gall of him to proposition his workmates wife just days after the death/funeral was over the top and I never spoke to him again. However I phoned another of their workmates to tell him because I knew this first man was noted for telling lies and I wanted the truth to be known to their work group. This second workmate 'had it out with him' at work the next day apparently and 'everyone' now knew what he had done and all were shocked and horrified. I never saw or heard from him again....

@EliaRose. What a horrible experience. There are a lot of OP’s suggesting that the reason couples back away from bereaved women is that the female halves may not trust their husbands with a newly widowed and single woman. From some of the stories on here and my own experience, they obviously have good reason in some cases !!

My own experience of unwanted advances came very soon after my husband died. What I fail to understand is that if these men know you have been in a long standing and faithful relationship with one man, what makes them think you would suddenly jump into bed with them at a time when grief is at its’ worst ? In the early days after bereavement, it’s hard enough just to put one foot in front of the other and get through every day - what on earth makes these men think that sex must be the uppermost thing on your mind at such a time ?

I have a weird situation with a man here - I know him and his wife well, as they take part on an activity group that I organise and have done for years. They are both lovely and were very supportive in the first weeks of my bereavement.

When it was what would have been our Golden Wedding several months after he died, the man came round with a bunch of flowers for me, which was a kind thought; and I though nothing of it. A few months later (when I moved house) I asked for his advice about something and he and his wife came round to help me with it. But his wife was a bit "off" and at one point said "Am I allowed in here too?" - it was very strange.

They have now stopped coming to the activity.

Am I not to communicate with married males in my friendship group? Another loss on top of so many others.

Luckygirl Pound to a penny Mrs Jealous put the kybosh on that. I’ve had twenty years of this nonsense. Nowadays, I register the glaring and the backturning and the grabbing onto partners arms for dear life and just carry on as usual. I wonder how these men were ever allowed out the door to go to work every day. It must be hell being in a such a controlling relationship that one can’t even give a bunch of flowers to a grieving friend without incurring suspicion.

I’m not sure about that one. It seems odd for a man to take some flowers round to a woman’s house on his own. Very occasionally a friend of my husband (now ex) would try it on purely because I’d been friendly towards them, I’d mention it to my husband, thinking he would be annoyed that a friend would do that, but he used to find it amusing. Funny things, men. Their minds work in strange ways sometimes.

I’ve experienced a loss of friends as well, but at least I’ve found out who my real friends are.

I don't think he was trying it on - or maybe I am naive. But I am 72 and no great beauty. I thought he was just being kind as I had done a great deal for him and his wife. I still think this.

But I find the idea that she might have misinterpreted this very hard. Heaven knows I have enough to worry about and do not need this.

Am I to speak to no men who have spouses just in case it is misinterpreted? Something else to deal with?

Not at all. But if he brought the flowers round without his wife knowing I’d be a bit suspicious of him. If she knew then her reaction is wrong.

You’ve done nothing wrong at all, by the way.

Our best man’s wife dropped us (very rudely) when she was widowed! Clearly she had only tolerated us for his sake.

When it was what would have been our Golden Wedding several months after he died, the man came round with a bunch of flowers for me, which was a kind thought; and I though nothing of it.

If my husband had done that I would have been really proud of him for being so thoughtful ?

Flexagon

Luckygirl Pound to a penny Mrs Jealous put the kybosh on that. I’ve had twenty years of this nonsense. Nowadays, I register the glaring and the backturning and the grabbing onto partners arms for dear life and just carry on as usual. I wonder how these men were ever allowed out the door to go to work every day. It must be hell being in a such a controlling relationship that one can’t even give a bunch of flowers to a grieving friend without incurring suspicion.

It’s amazing isn’t it? Both the jealous wives who think a bereaved woman is just dying to get her mitts on their old man ( literally old man!) and the sleazy husbands who think a bereaved woman craves their attention ( to put it delicately.)

My neighbour was offered help to arrange her daughters funeral, and the "man" who was helping started telling her how he had always found her very attractive.
He also ended up staying the night (on her sofa) and she found him with just his pants on, spread out on the sofa, hoping she might be overcome with passion, presumably.
I would have told him to F* off!!!

* Pammie1* Yes, it was a horrible experience made worse because DH didn't class him as a friend...they didn't have anything in common other than working together and their lives were totally opposite beyond their work hours.

If you had similar experiences within a short time you will completely understand and I'm sorry for you too. Jumping into bed with some jerk while you are still in a 'zombie-state' is not what I would think of as enjoyable? I'm the first to admit that I was in this 'zombie-state' for sometime while trying to come to terms with what had just happened and I think this is normal, even though we might put on a good face on the outside while on the inside, it's the opposite.

Unless someone has lost their spouse they don't truly comprehend what these men are like. I've had women tell me I had 'invited' attention from this type of man, when that's not true at all. By choice, I've never had another relationship and that will never change. I don't need a man in my life!

Hope you are OK?

Sure, there are opportunist men who think that all woman are fair game or harbour the ridiculous notion that all widows are desperate for sex but that is not a reason for married women to cut bereaved women from established social circles. The many posts here attesting to similar experiences show how common this is.

I do really think there is a much deeper problem concerning how single people are perceived and treated in society and even how single people perceive themselves.

It’s rare for a week to go by on GN without someone enquiring about online dating - I'm just out of a relationship and need to find another kind of thing or asking for advice on unhappy relationships - staying because they fear being alone. There is little to fear about living alone. Certainly, there is a big adjustment after being in a loving or unloving relationship but it does get better. The main ongoing irritant is the stigma that others attach to it and that needs to stop.

Can't remember if I have written about this before so apologies if I am repeating myself. A year after my husband died he made me promise to go on holiday. So I did to York for 4 days. I was in a cafe and ordered some gelato. There was only me and a man at another table. He asked me to join him . To be honest I didn't know what to do I was shocked so just said no thank you. I have always worn my wedding ring and at the time weighted 19st +. He was a man in his 50's and did look ok. Sounds naive not knowing what to do .

Next time something happened was about 5 years ago . I was in the village where I used to live I was at the ATM and a man in his 70's asked me if I could show him what to do. So did and I never saw him coming and he kissed me on the cheek and asked for my phone number. I was so shocked I dashed off and went in the charity shop. And told them what happened. I what I should have done was slap his face and tell him to f off. Again I was still the same weight.

Since then I decided to lose weight and moved house 2 years ago. I have lost 7st. I was in a taxi pre Covid and talking to the driver as usual . He told me he was a widower. I just thought we where having a nice chat. But when I told my daughter about it she said he was chatting me up. I didn't realise.

I know how naive that sounds but I know I'm not ugly but no beauty. And don't look my age . My first and last first date was when I was 16. My husband was my one and only. Also didn't think men my age want women the same age. Got it in my mine they would go for someone lot younger. Not that I want a man in my life.

It all sounds ridiculous writing it down but it's what happened. Luckily I was still friends with couples where I used to live and I suppose because of my size the wife's where ok with there husband's talking to me or giving me a hand not that I needed help with anything often.

Fortunately not something that's happened to me when my husband passed away three years ago.

We won't go there on my late husband family though. What a nightmare a few of them turned out to be

I was always taught to pay my respects initially and go back in about three months when all the 'sensationalists/do gooders' had faded into the ether. Have found this to be pretty accurate unfortunately.

My widows story briefly. 3 of dh school friends always stayed in touch phone calls either way 1 widowed, 1 divorced and remarried, wives all fine. Lots of fun conversations. H snooker friends of 20 years and wives all socialised. Never heard from. I had 3 very long term friends all live far away, but exchange visits carried on with me. Made a new group of friends via walking group. Joined a club, went away for weekend with singles groups. Several men made moves on me very much surprised me as 67 plus. 2 of the men were married and very much shocked me. Met a lovely man, we got married I was 75, lost several friends, 2 said they were jealous of me. How strange people are. But I am very happy, careful who I now choose as friends.

nanasam

Thankfully, DH is still with me but I have a friend and a cousin who lost theirs last year. I usually get in touch with them, which is fine and totally understandable. But I remember one of my mum's friends saying when women lose their husbands the friends seem to disappear and they feel really lonely. Is it because they don't get in touch with others or, like mum's friend said to me she felt other women were worried about her trying to steal their husbands from them!

I'm getting to the time where I'm starting to think of what it might be like and I'm not liking the idea of losing friends, let alone DH.

Has anyone found this is happening to themselves?

Tell me about it. Without exception, all the friends we had here in Melbourne, where the relationship was started by my late DH, have fallen by the wayside. I keep it up with Christmas letters, messages, etc. but bugger all response.

Surely I'm not that horrible?