Suicide Bereavement

Hi Annie, I remember your posts when your daughter died. I think it was those that gave me the courage to post on GN about my own daughter's suicide. She was 24 and had struggled with her mental health for several years. She left a 4 year old son who has kept me going for the last 15 years.

The worst thing I find is that no-one ever talks about her unless I mention her first. My GS doesn't remember much about her which breaks my heart. I'm so glad I found GN and have been able to share some of the bad times on here.

Oh Annie, I remember those terrible days when you so bravely shared with us what had happened to your darling daughter. I would not even attempt to understand how you feel, but have had my 2am staring at the ceiling moments worrying about my son's precarious mental health. Perhaps you have been so wrapped up in looking after your daughter's children, getting them on the paths of their adult lives, and only now the true heavy grief is coming back? As before, remember GN at its best is always here, always someone awake so you are not alone.

Thank you, *TwiceAsNice, I remember you lost your son x

kittylester yes Gransnet, a poster ,me. Received a telephone call from my little granddaughter saying the police are looking
for daddy, I phoned him and he told me ‘she is dead,she drowned’.

I had no one to turn to, no one I could telephone, I sat clutching a box of paracetamol, but I came to GN, you all
helped me, I had to arrange the service, you all helped, I didn’t
want to go to the funeral because of crossing that bridge, you
all got me there, in the back of a van under a blanket ! Can’t recall who came up with that ! but I thank her.

The newspapers, you all advised me to tell them where to go!

I couldn’t think straight through those days, then the inquest,
you were with me.

This is all about the side of gransnet which I pray will never be
lost , the side of Gransnet which saved my life, and I am not
being dramatic, I thank God then and now.

This side of Gransnet must never be lost.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, annie, but you have done a good and kind thing by starting this thread.

I was here when your daughter died and i remember your despair and how gn helped. I hope that side of gn is never lost.

Sending you love and gentle hugs!

Hi Annie I was on the forum when you were first grieving for your daughter . I lost my son but not to suicide. Grief can often be delayed when you are also coping with other things . Do the think about some counselling . Cruse is very active in Wales and is free, they will also come to you. SOBS is a specialist bereavement service for people bereaved by suicide I’m not sure of the face to face service availability but they can be contacted by phone and online.

I feel for you , you have dealt with a lot in your life . Please pm me if it would be helpful.

Thank you so much, may I say , if ever you learn of a suicide and know the family , ‘I pray you won’t’, please don’t avoid them, even a hello in the supermarket .

I was blessed Catherine was my daughter, so much love and joy

Annie - you've touched my heart. I'm thinking about you. x

Anniebach, , & caring thoughts for you.

Anniebach and everyone who has experienced this tragic loss?????

And I agree that enough still isn’t being done to tackle mental illness.

So very sorry Anniebach.
You’re daughter died from an illness just like any other illness. However, I completely understand how awful the pain must be, as you may feel your daughter’s life could have been saved if only ‘this had happened’ or ‘that had happened’ - and that must be so very hard to live with.
It’s devastating, and I just hope you’re getting as much help & support as possible xx

I can absolutely believe that Annie - it is a disgrace that you are left powerless in such a situation. Confidentiality is one thing, but putting people's lives at risk is quite another.

If you had rung a hospital to say that a loved on had collapsed clutching their chest, no-one would be saying that they could not discuss this with you and needed to speak with the patient!

There is a general unwillingness to recognise that mental illness can be life-threatening.

And don't get me started on people who say they are depressed when in fact they are feeling sad.................... believe me there is no correlation between the two, and they need addressing in totally different ways.

Luckygirl two days before Catherine died I telephoned the
Mental Health unit and said I feared she may try again to take her life again, I was told they couldn’t discuss it with me, patient confidentiality, so I was to ring the police if she did attempt it. !

I am truly concerned about the effect on people’s mental health due to the virus.

sorry....."with mental health problems."

You are so right Annie. I suffered a severe depression out of the blue a few years ago and I was staggered by how dreadfully ill I felt - so very ill that I just wanted it to stop. Nothing my dear kind family and friends did made any difference - it really didn't. This is why I want to emphasise to those whose loved ones have taken their own lives that there really will have been nothing you could have done, short of being with them every second of every day - not possible.

The guilt and blame that follows suicide is hugely burdensome - totally understandable though.

I get very upset by the absence of proper mental health services - it is a disgrace. Sometimes I watch programmes that follow the emergency services going about their work and so much of their time is taken up with people with mental health services - and they are powerless to help them as there are no proper services for them to pass them on to.

Round here CBT is the only treatment on offer - it has its place but truly when I was so ill, that approach would have required more brain power than I could muster - it would have been meaningless.

Yesterday I thought I was wrong to have spoken about my grief,
now I am not.

Mental illness is talked about now, there was a time it was not,

An example, 49 years ago I had severe post natal depression after the birth of my younger daughter and was in hospital for
three weeks, my husband was in the police force, in those three
weeks he was stationed in another town and moved house, the
reason ? to save me the embarrassment of returning to face
our neighbours.

This isn’t about me, it’s about mental illness

To begin with I was obviously devastated, but I was also angry. I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t see that tomorrow might be a better day.
With the passing of the years, I see things more clearly, but, I still struggle to understand why all hope had gone.
So sorry for all of you, but losing a child must be almost unbearable.
Annie, and everyone else suffering, lots of hugs

I think the shock that the life just ended without warning but by 'choice' makes it so hard not to be angry at the person as well as just wanting to grab them back.

Anniebach❤

My daughter has been cursed with mh problems and we were on a rollercoaster of selfharm and suicide attempts which at times calm down. Seeing your child living this life is heartbreaking and numbing. And other people don't want to know how you feel.
My stepson took his own life after a night out in June with no signs of mh problems.
We are reeling from it. I can only imagine the pain my dh is feeling and it is only the beginning of this new life path.
When someone has terrible mh problems that makes life so hard to live you can accept their need to leave this world.
On days when you don't feel like being rational about it i feel really angry.
We have a number of friends now who have has suicide in their family unfortunately we are in an ever expanding club.
Thoughts and hugs to all members.

I am so sorry for all the sadness that people have suffered. Suicide is a loss that cannot be compared with other deaths.

I have experience of this in my professional life (as well as my grandfather taking his own life) and have seen the dreadful after-effects on families.

But I really do not think that it is ever possible for loved-ones to stop someone taking their own life if that person has determined that this is the only way forward. The sort of mental illness that some people suffer defies understanding by those who are on the outside trying desperately to understand and help; which is why the medical profession needs to take this sort of illness more seriously and offer better and speedier interventions.

I remember the very difficult time that you went through Annie and the dreadful mental illness that afflicted your DD. I am not surprised that there are times when it all comes back to you - and I know it must be hard to see others moving on with their lives (however much you want them to) when for you it fills your thoughts.

I wish I could help you, and all the other Gransnetters for whom this is their reality - but I do not know how. All I can do is to send you love and hugs and positive thoughts.

A long time ago, and yet it seems like yesterday.
I remember everything that came before by the hour, minute even, I know I should have realised what was going to happen, but I didn’t.
I don’t think I could have stopped it, I don’t blame myself, it wasn’t something that ever occurred to me.
Annie, sometimes people lose all hope, they can’t consider what they’re leaving behind, if they did, they would surely think twice, thinking about you.

Thank you so much, it just overwhelmed me this morning and no one there, but you were.

I am concerned I picked at wounds of some , I am sorry. Again
thank you for being there x

I’ve experienced two suicides. And also normal deaths. The suicides are like grief that ripples on and on. They are different to other deaths.
All I can say is, if you haven’t been there, don’t judge, and if you have, you will know what I mean.
And if I can help you Anniebach, please contact me. My heart goes out to you. Xx

Yes Annie".. my daughter too, 17 years ago.

Anniebach, I'm sorry about your daughter It isn't unusual to suffer a delayed reaction to everything that has happened but you need to tell people in real life. Can you make an appointment with your GP?