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Taking late partner for a drive...

(16 Posts)
Liz08 Mon 02-Aug-21 18:53:47

Earlier this year, my friend sadly lost her husband after being together 53 years. Recently, she told to me that she occasionally takes an evening drive, like they used to do, with a framed photo of him on the passenger seat (secured by a seat belt of course).
She thought that I might find this odd. I didn't, I said I think it's lovely and must be a great comfort to her (and there's no argument about who drives!) smile
Does anyone else do anything like this?

MissAdventure Mon 02-Aug-21 19:18:58

I did know a woman who used to take some of her husbands ashes down to the shops.
She put him (loose) in her coat pocket and talked to him.

BlueBelle Mon 02-Aug-21 19:27:33

I thought you were going to say she was taking his ashes for a ride
My friend took a new partner some years after her husbands death, but she still had his ashes under the bed !!!

Thistledubh Mon 02-Aug-21 19:43:24

It was always in the plan that I should move to another part of the country when my husband died. He knew all about it and encouraged me to go for it. He had a terminal prognosis, two years if lucky, when he was diagnosed with cancer but survived for 13 years! A few months after his death, I sold the house, put all my belongings in storage, and moved. I will never forget that journey, awful weather and my husband's ashes in a small suitcase, strapped in by the seatbelt on the front seat next to me! It just felt like the right thing to do. It was a whole year later before his ashes were finally interred. Bereavement is a funny thing!

AGAA4 Mon 02-Aug-21 20:05:20

An elderly friend told me her husband always walked beside even though he was long gone. She chatted to him (in her head not out loud!)

Yammy Mon 02-Aug-21 20:08:27

A relation scatted a loved one's ashes around some beautiful rose bushes. When they are upset or just want to air their thoughts they wander among them.
I also know someone who bought a house with resident ashes in a container, she got a phone call a few days later from a very distraught lady wanting her husband back.

JaneJudge Mon 02-Aug-21 20:13:26

I think it sounds fine smile

Whiff Tue 03-Aug-21 07:46:51

I was widowed 17 years ago aged 45. My husband was 47. I talk to him everyday out loud. I have shouted and swore at him. But it gives me comfort. My husband's ashes are in my wardrobe and when I die my daughter will scatter us together somewhere nice.

I had been with my husband since I was 16 he was 18 . 29 years as a couple married 22 years. Would have been married 40 years in May.

I still feel half of me is missing. I have posted on the pain of loss thread and other breavenment threads. When you lose the love of your life doesn't matter if you have been together a year or 50 if they are your other half you are never whole again.

Grieving doesn't get easier as the years go by in my experience you just cope better. Whatever gives you comfort is right. No one can tell you how to grieve we all have to find our way and it's hard. My darling will always be 47 I am now 63. We have 5 grandson's. He has missed our children growing into adults and getting married. What gives me comfort is our children and grandchildren have his DNA . I am an atheist don't believe in after life. But it's a way he lives on. Weird I know but we have to find a way to give ourselves comfort and that's mine.

tanith Tue 03-Aug-21 08:04:27

I talk to my OH most days out loud and in my head. I tell him about goings on in the family I know it’s bonkers and he’s not listening but I do find comfort in doing so.

Whiff Tue 03-Aug-21 08:54:30

tanith it's not bonkers. It's a way of finding comfort. As I said I do it. Told my mom to after dad died it helped her. I had to learn the hard way how to cope with my grief. I didn't expect the rage and anger I felt after he died thought I was wicked then realised it's normal.

When your other half dies your present and future died as well. You have to make a new present and future and it's hard. Suddenly having to make all the decisions is harder. You not only lose half of you but the only person in the whole world you knew the real you inside and out. The one person who loved you totally. My husband was my one and only. Never wanted anyone else. I am lonely but not because I live alone but lonely for my husband. He is the one person I want and need but can never have. And it's hard. But had to make a new life without him .

Whatever you feel or do to get through everyday is normal. Took me years to realise that. You can read all the books you like about beveveament but we are all different. I have never read a book about it .Counseling helps some people. I went to a group beveveament it was useless. The woman who ran it was married and had done a course. I was 45 next to my age was 68 year old man the woman where late 70s-80's. I stuck it out for 2 years for my children's sake. But I had to learn everything myself.

There are only 2 certainties in life we are born we die. The rest we make up along the way. Life experiences makes us into the people we are.

eazybee Tue 03-Aug-21 09:43:21

Somebody wrote about this years ago when her (I think) sister in law would carry her husband's ashes with her everywhere; wherever she was she would take them out of her handbag and plonk them on the nearest surface, so he could be with them.
Rather disconcerting for everyone else.

Whiff Tue 03-Aug-21 12:47:36

eazybee if that helped that woman cope with her grief good for her. She found a way that worked for her .

It was other people's problem. She wasn't doing anything wrong.

Until you lose the love of your life you don't know what you need to do to give you comfort and help you cope. I have written on the pain of loss thread something's that happened to me.

It's like when I first had to go in a wheelchair it was other people's attitude towards me . They talked to my husband as if I couldn't talk for myself. I became invisible.

I have become more intolerant to people's attitudes as I have got older. People need to stop judging people you don't know what they are having to cope with in their lives . I treat people the way I want to be treated.

When did kindness, modesty, common sense and human decency become dirty words .

No one's life is black and white. We all get through our lives the best way we can.

Liz08 Tue 03-Aug-21 18:54:12

Thank you everyone for your helpful, comforting and reassuring comments - I shall pass them onto my friend.

bikergran Tue 03-Aug-21 20:37:56

I have taken my dh ashes to Llandudno/Whitby and Llandudno again. Still havn't decided what to do with them 7 yrs later.

After his funeral just over 7 yrs ago, a few people donated an amount, I bought an Arbour and the first good day when I felt up to it, I brought his framed photo out and he watched me erect the Arbour.

So no...nothing is unusual after Bereavement.

Whiff Tue 03-Aug-21 22:15:04

bikergran my husband's ashes are in my wardrobe . It's been 17.5 years since he died. I know it's not him just a pile of ash but can't bring myself to scatter them. It's the one thing I can't do everytime I think I can I just cry. But my daughter says no body said you had to get rid of them . She will scatter us together.

My brother and I scattered our parents ashes together, they died 10 years apart. We did it at dusk because you aren't supposed to scatter ashes just anywhere. There was a hut by the River Severn they used to like to sit in and have lunch so we scattered them over the river bank by it. Mixing the ashes together. As they believe they would met again.

We all have to find a way to cope with loss the best way we can. Everyone is different. But whatever gets you through the next hour or day without your other half just do what do it. There are no rules for grief. What one person finds strange is perfectly normal to another person. No one has the right to judge how we grieve.

DillytheGardener Tue 03-Aug-21 22:35:30

My NZ dil takes her late father’s ashes to their summer house (she calls it a bach / batch?? ) for Christmas every year. Apparently Christmas was his favourite day of the year, so she makes sure her dad is there with her. smile