Newly widowed

Aggy21.

I am sorry for your loss. I was in the same boat fifteen years ago. Widowed at 51. DH was 55. It’s hard.

I soon gave most of his clothes, books and other personal possessions to charities, those which supported medical research or causes dear to his heart.

I kept his many work shirts in white, blues, greys, stripes, checks and sewed them into a quilt which I gave to him mum - back with me now since her death. I know she found it a comfort. I still have a couple of his favouite sweaters which I wear for pottering in he garden.

I went to one group counselling session but it wasn’t for me. At the time, hearing about other people’s grief was too much to bear on top of my own. We do need a coping strategy though. I found self-help books useful. Not an angry person by nature, some days, I did feel frighteningly and overwhelmingly angry. It was helpful to read that that’s perfectly normal. Also that the grieving process isn’t a linear tunnel that you suddenly emerge from into the light. It’s an uneven and repetitive loop. You may revert back to previous, darker phases more than once.

I did keep busy. I found it hard to be at home at times when he would have been there so I went out a lot, to do anything really. I’d look in the local paper to see what was on and just go. I don’t even recall a lot of what I did as it was only for distraction. We did a lot of country walking together and talked as we walked, discussing all kinds of things. I kept walking but with music playing on an iPod to fill the silence. Indoors, I took to knitting very complex and intricate patterns. I needed something I had to concentrate hard on in the long evenings and it was something to achieve. Normally an avid reader, I found it hard to concentrate on books or other passive pastimes so that was a good substitute.

There have been many discussions here about how those who have not been bereaved react to those who have. Some days you will feel like the rest of the world goes on turning as normal, everyone absorbed with the trials and trivia of their own lives while your world will never be the same and no-one seems to notice or care. Sometimes they do but don't know what to say. That can be hard but you will find the inner strength to deal with that.

I so sorry you have to bear this pain.

Looking back now, from a distance of nearly twenty years since my husband died, the advice I would give myself is allow yourself to be needy. Just for a while.
And be explicit about what it is you need. People want to help but because we are all different they don’t know. So tell them.

I couldn’t sleep in an empty house. I wish I had said to my sister Can I sleep at yours for a couple of nights?
Or to a friend ‘I can’t be bothered to cook and eat on my own. Will you come round for a meal’.

But I didn’t because I didn’t want to seem needy and for people to feel burdened with me.

You might not feel this way but you will have your own needs. Don’t be afraid to voice them ?

I'm so sorry Aggy. Take one day at a time and if this is too much take an hour at a time x

So very sorry for your loss Aggy. I wouldn’t rush into anything right now, allow yourself time to grieve.

Sincere condolences on the loss of your husband. Keep a few of you husbands shirts from which you can make a memory bear. If you don’t sew, there are people who will do this for you - ask on your local Facebook page or similar.

I have no advice to offer Aggy but wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss.

So very sorry Aggy21 It's one day at a time. It is so heartbreaking for you. One day you will be able to talk about him and the pain will ease but not yet.

Aggy21 Sending you my heartfelt sympathy at this sad time.
Its 20mths since my lovely man died suddenly and left me after 45yrs married I'm glad in one respect that he went before the pandemic took hold as I am sure he would not have got through it but he died quickly & pain free the shock was enormous .
The following weeks where hard for me as I shaken to my core but help from my family got me through it,talk about him when you are ready and you will find his name crops up and the pain will ease slowly.
I waited nearly 6mths before sorting his possessions it was a sad week but brought back some happy memories as to where & when he had bought stuff I donated all to his favourite charity (animal charity)

Sorry Aggy, blooming autocorrect I hope it didn’t cause offence.

Aggressive, that’s virtually my story too. I was married to my husbands for 40 years and he had been suffering with cancer for 7 years before he died in a hospice. Whilst expected it still cut me off at the knees. That was 3 years ago now and it is only recently that I was able to look at his photos. My advice would be to go with the flow. If you want to put on sad music and cry your eyes out do it. If you want to shout and scream do it. Do not expect your grieving to be a steady decreasing emotion, some days will be better than others. Also do not expect your experience of grief to be the same as other people’s. Do you have family around you? They can be a help and a hindrance. I didn’t want to be a burden to them and didn’t know whether to keep talking about him in the following months but it sorted itself . Just take it hour by hour to start with, then day by day, week by week etc. You have already got through the worst time and it will only get better as you go on all be it slowly. Do not feel guilty if you smile or find something funny or forget about him for a while. I am sure he would want you to go on and be happy, just as you would have felt if you died and he survived you. If you want to pm me then I would be happy to chat with you. Take care.

Aggy21. My deepest sympathy for the loss of your dear husband , there is no set time for grieving or to do the right thing , Take each day slowly and only do what you feel like doing, if you feel like lying on the sofa one day crying then do it, if the next day you want to go for a short walk then do it. , All in your own time , Do you have family that will help you to clear your husbands things when you feel like doing so ,?
Take things slowly , be gentle with yourself , and I hope that things get easier, You don’t get over such a loss , but you learn to live around it ,
Sending love at this sad time , x

Really sorry to hear this aggi as a divorcee I ll never know the loss you ve experienced I think you will get help here there are a few ladies in your position with recent bereavements
When my daughter lost her partner to cancer she got help from a group for young bereaved people I think it was called ‘widowed and young’ or something similar I m sure there will be some groups like that for older folks it does help do much to talk
Counselling can help too but all I can advocate is talking about him and your life to anyone willing to listen lean on friends and cry as much as you want it will never heal completely but eventually the rawness will get gentler
Talking about removing his clothes I still have my dads favourite cardi in my wardrobe and his trilby hat on my bedroom wall (and that’s 9 years ago)
♥️

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. What a hole his loss leaves for you.

I've lost a child but never a husband, so can't speak from that experience. What I would like to share is that I found just allowing myself to have no expectations of myself and do whatever I need to do at any moment was the easiest way through. There isn't any right way to do this time.

AGY 21 so sorry to hear of your sad loss I know several Gransnet ladies who hopefully will be able to help you with this dreadful situation. I’m sure you’ll do what’s right for you. Take care, sending virtual hugs and lots of love in these coming weeks.

Aggy21 my sincere condolences ?
Take care of yourself and do what you want, not what others want you to do.
Sorry that’s all I can advise as you say we are all different and I have found coping gets easier as time goes on, so don’t rush things and be kind to yourself xx

Aggy21 my sincere condolences to you.

I'm sure there will be many on here who will answer your questions.

Take care of yourself.

Much love xxx