Unwanted comments

Forestflame. Thank you so much for your post. My husband had a debilitating lung condition but your kind remarks really touched me. That's what we need. Understanding and respect.

Just ignore these people. Mind you it's one of the reasons I don't get involved with neighbours. Good fences and all that.

A lot of people want to say something but dont know what to say .My MIL told me not to worry when my baby was dying "because the next one will be a boy"That remark stayed with me for years ,then I realised she thought she was being helpful as we only had a boys name picked, she maybe thought we didn't want a girl .My children of both sexes have amazing close relationships with her and their late Grandfather .When that baby died people crossed roads or dived into shops to avoid having to find the RIGHT words .

I have known a couple of people who have cared for loved ones with dementia at home. They did their very best for as long as they possibly could before they had no choice but to put them into care. No one who is in that awful situation should be made to feel guilty by others (who often have never been in that situation. I worked in care at the start of my working life, so I have some idea how hard it can be. Anyone who looks after a loved one with a debilitating illness at home 24/7, is an amazing person worthy of total respect.

@Shelflife. My mum, who is 90 and lives with us, was diagnosed with vascular dementia last year, so I know something of the awful dilemma you faced in making the decision about her care. You cared for your mum at home for a long time, until it got too much, and despite the crass and thoughtless remarks from your friend you will know in your own heart that you made the right decision for everyone concerned - including your mum. My own mum is ok at the moment, but I know the time is not far off when I will have to make a similar decision as her condition deteriorates. I hope I have the courage to do what’s best for her when the time comes. ?

I had this a lot after my husband died. There was an assumption that I would want to move and ‘downsize’, but our house wasn’t that big anyway, and there were a lot of lovely memories there, so I stayed put until I met the man who is now my husband. The move was purely practical as I had no family where we lived before, so we moved closer to his.

The comments and expressions of surprise/disgust/dismay from various family and friends when I met and - shock, horror - actually had the temerity to date him, are for another thread !! I do agree that some people feel entirely justified in telling you how to live after the loss of a partner, even though it’s something they can’t possibly identify with unless they have experienced it for themselves. I was given unsolicited and unwanted advice on how to dress, how to ‘cater for one’ and even how I should find new interests now that I would be a widow for the rest of my life !! I think it’s partly rooted in fear - we all have a 50/50 chance of being the one left behind and witnessing others losing their partners reminds people of that.

I think some people are just thoughtless, they don’t have a lot of empathy. Just let it go, her opinion won’t affect your life. Good luck it’s not easy at times.

I think my neighbours were worried i would leave when DH died and they would end up with a family with children. In our little block none of us have any, we are all elderly with grandkids or none at all. I was flooded with help in the garden and i have been given lots of support. I keep telling them i am not leaving and even though i have had a new shed base and a new shed is coming next month i think they are still concerned, bless them. I also had the social services install a rail by my front door to help with the steps and they put a rail in the bathroom and two by the back door. All evidence i dont intend uprooting myself anytime soon.

My answer 'Yes we all have 'crosses to bear don't we'. Never fails .

Judy54 thank you - it was a hard decision for all the family as you can imagine, but she was calmer and better cared for by professionals. People don't realise that at times you are making the best of a bad job, or a 'damage limitation', as I feared for FiL's health and we couldn't possibly have looked after her with two young children and work demands. I have to tell myself that it is lack of imagination, or experience, or empathy, not unkindness that makes people say these things!

What a great response Rosina yes let them see how they would cope even just for a weekend let alone long term. Well said.

idiot people will say idiot things in many circumstances...best thing is to take no more notice of them than I do of a crow cawing in the garden....actually less notice...I quite like crows.

My FiL was having a struggle trying to care for Mil who was in the later stages of dementia. Nobody could have coped in a domestic setting - she was violent, doubly incontinent and hardly slept. She was moved to an NHS facility that was excellent, but a family member told him he should have kept her at home - he was eighty. I couldn't resist suggesting that this person took her home for a weekend here and there if they felt so strongly - needless to say it didn't happen.

MissAdventure Yes, that is it. Its not a case of just thinking how nosy and prying. It's the fact that my home is my safe space where we brought our family up and where the memories are. In all the lockdowns I have been able to cope on my own because I'm in my familiar home with my lovely neighbours helping me. You can't stand in a shop and explain all that to a person who still has a husband and family round her.

chocolatepudding

Some people just don't think before they open their mouths! A slightly different story but my first baby girl died suddenly when she was only 7 months old. The number of people who said "Oh dear well you can always have another one" as if I was a small child who had lost a doll. It taaught me to always think before saying the wrong thing.

So sad to hear this. It’s so difficult isn’t it? I know what they would have meant, but it was so badly put. I’m sure there’s not a day goes past when you don’t think of your little one. ?

At my Father's funeral, a friend of my parents gave me a stiff talking to about how I must now look after my Mother with no acknowledgement at all that I had just lost my Father. Ironically said friends dropped my Mother and no longer invited her to share the annual week in Wales which they had done for years as two couples

My thinking too MissAdventure

A colleague in theatricals kept making passes at me two years after my husband died after dropping me off at home etc.
I said I wasn’t over losing my husband and he laughed it off as unlikely. I wouldn’t fancy him in a million years but was taken aback by his cheek and insensitivity.
Regarding people saying nothing, I remember an older woman I worked with when I was in my late teens losing her ten year old disabled daughter. I knew the enormity of the fact, but said nothing. This same woman was the one of the first on the phone after my husband died all these years later (we worked together off and on throughout) and I was able to say how well she understood a bereavement finally.

Agree with above comment

I'd opt for not being spoken to, frankly.
It's not a matter of just being offended; these comments can feel like a knife in your heart, when you're already at your lowest ebb and not expecting it.

I don't think she meant any harm. Better than people avoiding or not speaking to you. Some find things offensive that others wouldn't bother about.

When my mother was dying in hospital, a ward sister told me my life would never be the same….no shit Sherlock!
I was well aware what life would be like without my mother as she no longer knew who I was and was trying to hold it together as I sat at her bedside.
I would rather this stranger hadn’t felt the need to further upset me with her unwelcome need to say something.

There are always people who think they can manage your life better than you. usually most of us shrug it off, even laugh. But when you are bereaved, a new parent, or dealing with any sensitive issue, it can feel, as Bluebell's nurse said 'completely "$£!7". I don't think such comments are limited to those living alone, but you do notice them more!

I have sometimes wondered how they would respond if you started telling them how to conduct their lives! Would they welcome your 'advice' or would they be completely shocked? I have sometimes tried to think of a response, but have never managed to utter one when faced with these know-it-alls.

TillyWhiz, put her back in the box where she belongs!

Sadly in life some folks make very clumsy comments & are usually totally unaware ( or perhaps not bothered ) as to how they come across., & this is usually regardless of wether a person is alone or not . Sending you supportive thoughts.

Dear me, such dreadful remarks made to you all, it has put the one I received in context. Shelflife, that was a particularly awful one. I just wonder if they'd say it to a man?!