Really struggling

Poppy2005, we all grieve in our own, individual way. There is no right or wrong way to do it, so don't be upset by your father's comments.

I'm sure he's struggling too, and just can't deal with your visible grief. What he's really saying is 'Don't cry when you're with me, I can't cope with it'.

When my husband died, I never cried with the children, I cried in the shower (I had so many showers, I was squeaky clean).

Years later, my son said the worst thing was losing me too - as I just went into my shell and seemed 'like a robot'. So, it seems, in my efforts to not upset them further - I got it wrong.

But then, there's no right or wrong way to grieve either, and no prizes for doing it well. We just take it one day at a time, try to comfort each other and manage however we can.

Be extra kind to yourself, and others, and battle on. Get that counselling, accept offers of help and support. The pain does subside and life becomes more normal as time goes on.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mum.

Has your Dad always been uncomfortable with crying and showing feelings? If he has always been this way, he won't change now. My Dad got angry with me for crying when I was a kid , so much so that I bottled it all up and cannot cry as an adult if I wanted to.

Could you move out for a bit and take space to grieve the way you need to? You're not letting your Mum down. Tears are healing and your Dad's behaviour is damaging. What lets us down is not being allowed to cry. Your Mum would be ok with your crying. You need time to grieve and if he's not letting you do that, I think move out and live your own way, if you can. It's not too late to start anew.

Smiley

Hi poppy,
My mum died Thursday morning. I’m telling you so you know you’re not alone in your grief. Nothing will be clear for you or I, for a while yet. We need time to heal and think straight. Xxx

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I am sure that your Dad is grieving too, but it must be very hard for you when he says things that make your grief seem something to feel bad about. You are not letting your Mum down - you are expressing your sadness in a very normal way.

As others have said - you have a lot of life ahead of you and meeting and making new friends will be part of that.

CRUSE is a very good organisation and they helped me enormously when my OH died. There is also WAYUP which is for those who have been bereaved.

Help is out there and you must avail yourself of it - your Dad is much older and of the stiff-upper-lip generation, but you are allowed to seek counselling and any other help you might need - and able to do so without feeling it is a sign of weakness.

Please take care of yourself, as well as looking after your Dad.

Poppy I feel Your pain and send my condolences. As MissA says it’s so early, just a few days,
Her advice is good, and I would say take things a Day at a time, whatever you feel is ok. Cry as much as you need and laugh too if you want. There is no wrong way of coping with this sort of sorrow,

I am so sorry Poppy sending a hug x

I am very sorry for your loss Poppy it will take time for you to work through your grief and crying is part of that process.

Poor you, so sorry for your loss. Sounds like you are having an awful time at the moment but you and your dad will be able to comfort each other as time goes on. I don't suppose he means to be harsh, he is grieving for his wife just as you are for your mother. Do bear in mind that 41 is still young. You have the rest of your life before you. It's never too late to meet someone, if that is what you want, and to make friends.

You are only 41. Once you have had time to grieve you will start a new era of your life. It can be whatever you want it to be.

I am so sorry for your loss. ?

These people will help you I'm sure.
I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly at the moment.
www.cruse.org.uk/

Please accept my condolences for the loss of your mum. It has happened so recently, and it must feel very raw. Crying is not something you should hold in. Let yourself grieve for however long it takes. It just feels too much to cope with at the moment.
41 is still young, and you have plenty of time to make new friends when you feel ready.
Be gentle with yourself.

I cant imagine how you are feeling just now, but I couldn't pass by, without offering my condolences. What a sad situation you are in. Its very early days yet and it will be a difficult journey, as MissA has said. However, you have those special memories of your mum to hold on to?

By the way, it's not too late to meet someone, so don't lose hope. My dad, was forty four when he met my mum. He too had thought he would never meet that special someone.
I hope you can eventually find peace.

Oh Poppy I really feel for you sweetheart. You’re broken hearted. Time will eventually heal. But right now you are bereft. Howl away. It will exhaust you and then calm you. Sadly, grief is the price we pay for loving someone.
?

You need to speak to your doctor. When I went through a very painful divorce mine put me on anti depressants, something I never wanted to take but really did help me. There’s always someone on here to talk to. And there’s no harm in crying. It’s part of the healing process. I’m so sorry for your loss x

I'm no expert, but you are still reeling from the loss of your mum.
You won't be moving forward for some time yet, and that moving won't be in a straight line.
There will be good and bad days and weeks, and some days the grief will feel too much to bear.
You will bear it though, and will realise that the only way is to go through it - not around it, or past it, but through it, in all it's ugliness.
It's such early days yet, and for your dad too.