Really struggling

My condolences, I lost my father just before Christmas. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. I know some day it'll stop and when it does I'll have all thise amazing memories to keep me warm inside. For now I'll have to indure the it's and downs.

Poppy, just seen this thread, and do hope that you are now involved in getting back at work and have some support from your work colleagues.

You really do need to allow two years to mourn the loss of someone so close to you. Time -does- heal, but a lot of time.

I was 43 years old when my beloved Mum died. I was busy with hubbie, and six children, but still found it took me a long time to even start to recover from that loss. Three months after her death I found myself actually walking into a shop, as I had seen something in the window which would be ideal for her christmas present!!

Your Dad is also desperately trying to deal with his own loss, and (like so many men) not willing to admit to how he feels.

Do not be afraid to talk about your Mum to everyone and anyone......Each person has to deal with mourning in their own way. When my youngest child died suddenly at the age of 25 all I wanted to do was to talk about him BUT only to people who had known him. I refused Counselling as I knew it would not help me. Even twenty years after that death, I still want to talk about him to people.

Your family are probably very concerned about you and trying to work out ways to assist you. They are not being intrusive, just trying to help and support you. Let them know of the best way they can do that -even it means saying you need some time out from them.

Just remember that your Mum would have so wanted you to LIVE the rest of your life, so the best way of honoring her memory is to try to that.

Yes I agree with everyone who thinks getting back to work is a good idea, you do need to get out a bit more even if you don't feel much like it to start with. If your dad needs help during the day you should look into this too. You are still young and need to think about yourself as well as others.

I know it’s hard, having lost my husband in my forties, but I do think you should think very hard about returning to work now. It’s two months since your mum died, and you need to start getting some structure and normality back in your life. Could you discuss returning to work on a phased basis with your manager, very part time initially, and build up the hours over a number of weeks?

Your employer has been very understanding. Why not consider a phased return to work. Start slowly 2 or 3 mornings/short days maybe. It could help fill you time with other things to think about, instead of being at home, with your dad.

Glad you have some counselling booked. It does help to talk about it.

Do what you feel is best for you

We deal with grief in our own way, there is not one size fits all

Easy to say I know but put yourself first

Thank you for your replies.

I agree with the above comments that everyone seems to think they know what is best for me. I’m getting fed up now with relatives (dad’s side of the family, those on mum’s side live far away) keep coming round and interfering. Dad’s sister and husband keep coming round bringing Sunday dinner (asking dad if I have learnt to cook ‘proper meals’ yet). I have never done a lot of cooking as mum used to do most of it, but I had bought something to have today. I try to stay out of their way when they come round now (then get accused of being rude by dad) but I can still hear them talking about me - how I should be getting back to work, getting out more (but not to the supermarket in case I bring back covid to dad), should have been more independent years ago. My cousin (their daughter), who I am compared to as she is much more ‘independent’, keeps texting me asking if I am feeling any better, saying “time is a big healer” even though she has not been through it yet.

My dad also keeps asking if I’m “feeling any better about it” and that he “thought I would have got over it within 4-5 weeks”.

On top of this I had an e-mail from my office manager on Friday asking if I would like to return next month and I don’t know how to reply (I don’t feel ready and don’t really want to go back at all but dad is obviously not happy about this).

I have never felt so miserable and never imagined being in this situation. I always presumed that dad would die first and that mum would live another 15-20 years, by which time I would have been close to retirement and not had any of the above to deal with.

I have booked in for counselling and been prescribed anti-depressants by the GP, which I hope will help.

So sorry for your loss

You seem to be clear about what is "Right For YOU", that is a very good start. Sadly you may have to fight other peoples ideas and good intentions. That is never easy and especially at a time when you are going through such a sad and painful time.

Handling the Pressure of "Others" expectations and ways of Grieving is hard when you are Grieving too.

While being aware of "Others" grieving process and respecting their ways you are not responsible for their process nor do you have to follow their ways.

As others have said talk to your GP and arrange some Counselling as soon as you can.

A counsellor can help you in so many ways to find YOUR WAY through this very painful time.

A counsellor should be able to work with you so you keep clarity of Your Needs and Wants in addition to helping you find strategies to protect yourself from fulfilling the Needs and Wants of 'Others".

Don't be afraid to say this ... is "Right For Me" that is not ... "Right for Me". That ... may be "Right For YOU" but it is not "Right for Me".

No-one is wrong we are all just different and what is right for one will not be right for all.

With regard to your Aunt and Cousin could you write them a latter.

Thank them for their intentions and kind thoughts but make it clear what a burden their plans are for you. You seem to write well and that may be a start then if they persist you can refer back to a letter.

Then there is "NOT NOW".

There are something that have to happen at a time that you don't want such as all the funeral arrangements and regulatory requirements but for so many things there it is OK to say "Not Now".

Such as I can't face ... NOW and I Don't Want To ... NOW so I may DO - Go - Meet ??? But "Not Right Now"

Sometimes finding ways to get others to "Listen" to what you are saying is very hard.

It seems from your post that having the Right to Be Who You are and to Be HOW You are is one of the hardest things you are dealing with at this time.

I hope you find a way through this very sad and painful time and, like others, I sure a counsellor will help and support you in ways family and friends can't as they are also grieving.

Go with your feelings.There is no right or wrong way in which we grieve.

Hi I lost my mum 3 years ago, its understandable you are grieving, it really is like your heart actually hearts, I am still grieving now, be kind to yourself, take each day has it comes, you can cry you can be angry your allowed to be, go with your emotions xc

Thank you Grammaretto. I’m sorry to hear that you lost your DH. I’ve only recently joined Gransnet, but I can see that it would have been such a support. Keep going.

Oh dear Poppy and Ali23 I am so sorry for your losses.
I hope you find some peace soon.
I am glad the counselling has helped you Ali.
I tried Cruse when my DH died a year ago but because it was a phone call and I couldn't really make out what the counsellor was saying I decided not to try again.
I have found being on here has been a Godsend, my friends are great, and the family to some extent - but they are grieving too.

I keep myself busy and always have something to do but try to avoid anything that I am likely to get anxious about.

I hope you both find some solace soon. .

Hi Poppy, I just wanted to send you a hug. My mum also died of advanced bowel cancer about 6 weeks ago. My counsellor has also told me to expect to have vulnerable times for up to 2 years. I’m definitely better some days than others.
Well done you for saying you just don’t feel like doing something that you’re not ready for. I’m finding that there are times when I just want to be busy but quiet and on my own. Sometimes I’m wiped out and need a nap. And occasions when I just need a quiet hug.

Feel free to pm if you need to.

I don't have any magic words to ease your grief but just wanted you to know that there WILL be a life for you without your dear mum. When I lost mine, I didn't realise just how savage and physical the pain can be and the pain is very much physical and can tear into your guts. My loss was 20 yrs ago and I was 43. Its so very recent for yourself and you will be all over the place. It sounds like some of your family members are being quite overwhelming , even though they believe they're helping. Another poster on here says to listen to your gut feelings and this, to me seems sensible and good advice.
I'm so very sorry for the painful journey you are on. Give yourself time before any major decisions and allow yourself to cry and sob when you want to, even if it's in another room away from your father. You will come out the other side. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself. ?

It’s very early days for you. When my dad died, many years ago, I felt I was going mad. I wasn’t but I felt overwhelmed with all the arrangements, supporting my mum, bringing up my kids etc. My wise old family GP told me to take it a day at a time and bereavement takes two years before you start to feel better. He was quite right. I pass this onto you as one who has been there and know how you’re feeling. Reach out for help if you need it. ?

Stick to your gut reactions and
what you want from life.

Thank you. I’ve actually just sent my cousin a text re the spa saying that. I’m hoping they will get the hint and back off a bit, just don’t want to seem rude.

I also don’t want my aunt trying to replace my mother (they are very different anyway) and I also find them quite “full on”, which is difficult when you are a quiet type and one of the reasons I have avoided them over the years to some extent.

The first step to moving on with your own life, poppy, is to start saying "sorry, I don't feel up to it* when you're feeling pressurised by family to do things you don't want to.
It will be the truth, it's perfectly reasonable, and you will need time just to "be".

Thank you for your replies.

I will look into counselling as soon as I can. We are still in the process of sorting mum’s estate at the moment and only had the funeral on Monday, so have not had a lot of chance. I have heard it can be very helpful though.

The other problem is that I am starting to feel pressured by my aunt, uncle and cousin (the relatives I mentioned earlier who I have not seen for years even though they live close by) into doing things with them. I think this is because my mum asked them to look after me after she had gone, but they have taken it a bit too literally and even at the funeral said “we are not going to leave you alone, you will be sick of the sight of us”. As said previously, my cousin gave my mobile number to someone we were at school with over 20 years ago and is wanting us all to meet up, now my cousin and aunt want me to go to a spa with them etc. I am struggling with this as I have hardly seen them since we left school (no fall out, we just moved in different directions) and have never been good socially. I was always happy in my own company or with mum. I know it is difficult to keep saying no without seeming rude, but I just feel I need to start my own life now. I resent my mum (unfairly I know) for leaving me in this position and asking them to look after me. I don’t want to be a charity case and should not need “looking after” at my age. It is another reason I regret not having had more of a life of my own. My life has been turned upside down in the last 6 weeks and I just want my mum back even though I know that can’t happen.

Poppy give yourself a break, your mother as just died. I can only speak for myself as I was very close to my mother like you.
My mother died in 1986 and I still cry when I think of the very hard times she had bringing me and my brother up on her own.
You can never replace a mother, remember all the wonderful times you had with her and it will carry you through.
You need to look to the future, you are a young women you have your life ahead of you perhaps with someone to love.
Buy a journal and start writing your feelings down and your hope for the future.

Poppy , I am so sorry about the death of your mum. Loosing a Mum is a painful situation. Take one day at a time , you will begin to feel better in time ! Who knows having to deal with phone calls etc may help you grow in confidence. You are still young , lots of time to begin a social life. Counselling can be very helpful, it is not difficult to off load to a counsellor! Easier than confiding in a family member. Please consider this , you are a grown woman so go for it , if your father thinks you shouldn't need it then the answer is quite simple - make the appointment , go and don't tell him !! Be kind to yourself and take your time to recover. If you are not ready to meet up with your long lost school friend then be positive, take charge and say no . A counsellor can help you analyse your feelings , promote confidence and then encourage you to take charge and be yourself. It will take time , but it will eventually be beneficial- trust me ! I wish you good luck and happiness. In time the last thing you will want to do is disappear! Look after yourself , and be happy ?

Thank you for your kind replies.

I will look into counselling after the funeral and am planning to go back to work in the New Year. I also hope to buy a house at some point (should have done it years ago), although I’m not sure how it will work with dad’s care.

I’m just feeling overwhelmed with everything at the moment. I have always suffered from social anxiety and lack of confidence, which is the main reason I am stuck in this situation now. My dad says it is because my mum smothered me, but I know she always wanted me to have my own house and be independent. The years just ticked by and I just always found a reason not to, but I know she didn’t want me living with my dad after she had gone, as she knew what he would be like. I feel guilty that she was so worried about me until the end.

I just feel overwhelmed with everything that has happened recently. My mum had cancer for almost two years, but there was a dramatic deterioration over the last few weeks. On top of losing her I have had to battle my shyness to deal with numerous phone calls, people at the hospital, her care home and relatives I have not seen for years, including my cousin, who has given my mobile number to someone we were at school with years ago, who now wants to meet up. I feel a bit awkward about this. I think she thought she was being kind, but as said above I just feel overwhelmed with it all and a bit of a charity case.

I sometimes wish I could just disappear somewhere and not come back!

I am very sorry for your loss. It is one part of our lives which is the hardest losing our parents and I often wonder why we aren't better prepared. It happens and not nice at all but the Tide of Life as they say. Please go and see your Doctor and be kind on yourself and accept any help offered.
Would you be able to return to work on a part time basis? It really could take your mind off it a bit and give you some social contact with your collegues. I was going through a very difficult time when I thought about my problem every minute of every day but once back at work (part time) I thought on about the 3rd day wow I haven't thought about my problem for 10 mins today and it got better. I wish you well.

So very sorry for your loss, they say grief is love turned inside out. Ignore your Dad, he can show his stiff upper lip if he wants, but at your age he should not be telling you not to show your emotions.

Remember to be kind to yourself, accept all offers of help and invitations, and as luluaugust has said, take one day at a time.

My condolences, take one day at a time