Aftermath of everything

You will be shocked not only because of your step dads death but by what you have learned about the marriage.
You have been supporting your mum by helping and encouraging her but her happiness is not your responsibility.
You were not aware of what was going on in the marriage, she gave no indication so just do what you are doing. Coercive control does damage confidence and self worth, be patient and give her your support and your love.

First and foremost a great daughter well done… secondly don’t take over as mums full time entertainer unless she’s very old and ill she needs to find her own levels of excitement, yes take her out once or twice a week by all means, introduce her to some groups or ‘things’, but after that don’t feel you have to babysit her, that would be bad for you and bad for her, encourage, but don’t be her be all that would be the worst for both of you
As for your step dad it was mums choice to stay and whatever tales she is telling now she chose not to tell then You knew him as a decent person and that is all you can judge by we all play a part in these bad marriages (and you’re talking to a master of them here) A bad marriage takes two to make it bad even if most of it is coming from one person Rememberf him as you knew him and whilst trying to help mum it is not your responsibility nor can you ever make mum ‘live the best life’ she has to find her own best life
So whilst helping and supporting please let her find her own levels, her own friends, her own things to do with of course your support and encouragement

I think BlueBelle is very wise. I also think you need still view your relationship with him as your relationship with him. We aren't all things to all people, we have different relationships with different people. Have you got anyone to talk to about all of this?

What a hard time you've had and what a wonderful daughter you are. Some good advice above. Maybe now is the time to look forward, take a deep breath and give yourself a break. The past can't be changed and you did what you felt was right at the time. You can make a more positive future and it sounds like you and your Mum will share some happy times together.

I felt numb for a long time when my husband died. The fear of having to handle everything myself was immense, your Mum is very lucky to have you.

My Stepmum died last week after 6mths of pancreatic cancer. Every week sent her a thoughtful gift some £10 some £200 just to let her know how special she was to me.
Her partner slowly started to back away even though I said you will always be welcome in our family ( my Stepmum was like my mum)
My Stepmum said she wanted to give me some money I said no I’m ok. She said. I’m wealthy I want to do this for you please let me do this. Well the week she was going to do this she had a bad fall in the bath
I spoke to her partner & said I presumed she has been assessed for what she needed even though she would have to pay for it her herself. Her partner said yes we are doing it next week. The week before she died !!!!! I was not happy
To cut a long story short I mentioned what my Stepmum wanted to give me. I was told there is no money it’s all in her will & will come out to me after she dies.
I was told I was disgusting to talk about money. I explained that was what she wanted. I sent her texts messages to prove this.
AIBU????
I want to send a sympathy card but I don’t know what to say I’m hurting grieving & upset
What would you do?

I do think it's insensitive to be asking about money a week after her death.
Surely you can wait a bit longer?

Every week sent her a thoughtful gift some £10 some £200 just to let her know how special she was to me
Her partner slowly started to back away even though I said you will always be welcome in our family ( my Stepmum was like my mum)
My Stepmum said she wanted to give me some money I said no I’m ok. She said. I’m wealthy I want to do this for you please let me do this. Well the week she was going to do this she had a bad fall in the bath
Etc.

There’s too much emphasis on money for my taste.
In your earlier thread Lollipoplove I remember you said you were in need of money, but now you say you have been sending £10-200” to let her know she is special.”
Money? Really?
Why not flowers or a thoughtful gift?
Yes, it is in poor taste to approach her partner and talk about money.
If you have been left anything in her will, you will hear once probate has been granted.
In the meantime what is preventing you sending a sympathy card?

OP

Please repeat with me - I am not responsible for my mother's choices or feelings.

It is not your job to make her happy or make it up to her for her bad marriage

that may be true, but it's natural to want to see those whom we love being as happy and relaxed as possible.
we want them to have the best life they can, esp if they are older, or have been struggling previously. that's what love is.
i think OP might benefit from some counselling for herself.
if you find the right person it could be cathartic.
don't bother to continue if you feel it's not the right person for you.
i think your mother is lucky to have you OP.
i wish you, and her, well.

Lollipoplove

My Stepmum died last week after 6mths of pancreatic cancer. Every week sent her a thoughtful gift some £10 some £200 just to let her know how special she was to me.
Her partner slowly started to back away even though I said you will always be welcome in our family ( my Stepmum was like my mum)
My Stepmum said she wanted to give me some money I said no I’m ok. She said. I’m wealthy I want to do this for you please let me do this. Well the week she was going to do this she had a bad fall in the bath
I spoke to her partner & said I presumed she has been assessed for what she needed even though she would have to pay for it her herself. Her partner said yes we are doing it next week. The week before she died !!!!! I was not happy
To cut a long story short I mentioned what my Stepmum wanted to give me. I was told there is no money it’s all in her will & will come out to me after she dies.
I was told I was disgusting to talk about money. I explained that was what she wanted. I sent her texts messages to prove this.
AIBU????
I want to send a sympathy card but I don’t know what to say I’m hurting grieving & upset
What would you do?

www.gransnet.com/forums/ask_a_gran/1307412-AIBU-DIEINGeq

I would like to suggest if I may Lollipoplove that your post would be better on the above thread which you started quite recently instead of hijacking’s OP’s thread.

I sents gifts re the amounts from £10 to £200 for her to see a show she’s always wanted to see & named a star & a flower after her & bouquets of flowers heated blanket guardian angle necklace I could go on & on I did it because she always loved receiving presents. I have sent a card

I’m so sorry I didn’t realise I did that. I really do apologise xx

Don’t worry lollipop, really it’s easily done. I am sorry about your step mum.