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(7 Posts)
Lollipoplove Wed 02-Mar-22 18:19:15

My Stepmum is dieing she was told 5 mths ago she had pancreatic cancer &!was given 3 mths to live. I love her like she’s my mum. We are very close We live 200 miles apart. Iv visited every month.
We live 200 miles apart.
She said she wanted to give me something ( money wise) before her will. I of coursed said I don’t want anything ( although I could really do with it at the moment) I think she knew this that’s why she offered.
She said she would go & sort it out at the weekend but on the Thursday she had a bad fall in the bathroom. I was so concerned but she said she would be ok. This was all less than 2 weeks ago. Now her partner ( not my Dad) they divorced years ago but we always stayed very close.
2 days ago she stopped answering my texts & her partner said she’s too ill to talk to me & can’t go out to sort out what she wanted to do for me.
It’s obvious she’s her power of attorney so could do it himself for me. But fir some reason he’s saying they are living off his pension & all her money is in her will. Erm how could she sort out what she wanted to do for me at a weekend when solicitors are closed?
Now she’s saying I can’t come down & say goodbye to her. I really want to tell her I love her & all that she means to me & to hug her one last time. But her partner is saying no to me. What can /?should I do
I really feel I should go down & sit on the doorstep. Unless my Stepmum herself tells me she doesn’t want to see me. Please help x

PerserverencePays Wed 02-Mar-22 19:19:39

This is very difficult when one member of the family sets themselves up as guard dogs over the dying one. Is there any other member of the family that you could appeal to come with you? Bullies will often back down when faced with superior numbers.
Remember also that her partner is facing losing her and may well be having his own mental breakdown.
Failing all else, I would go and if he didn't let me in I would call the police and ask them to do a wellness check. That you are worried your stepmother is dying and not getting the care that she needs.
I don't think you can do anything about the bequest, if it's not in the will and she hasn't sorted it, best not to think about it.
My sister wanted to give me a gift but she also hadn't included me in the will, so it came to nothing.
Sending my sympathies to you in difficult times.

wildswan16 Wed 02-Mar-22 19:32:34

I think you will feel more comfortable if you can make the journey to see her. Perhaps you could take a friend with you to give you some reassurance.

I am thinking that your stepmum is still at home and not in a hospital or hospice? That would have made it easier for you.

I do hope you manage to sort something out - it is a very hard situation for you to be coping with on your own.

Oopsadaisy1 Wed 02-Mar-22 21:26:44

But you say that your step mum doesn’t want to see you? Maybe she wants you to remember her as she was the last time she saw you and not when she is so very ill.

It’s hard but you have to honour her wishes.

I’m sure that the last thing she will be able to do is sort money out for you.

MissAdventure Wed 02-Mar-22 21:35:22

The point is to be sure that it is her wish to not see anyone.
It's not unheard of for people to want to withdraw from this life towards the end.
Its part of the process of preparing for what is to come.
Very sad, and very hard for you to know if her wishes are being honoured.

Ali23 Wed 02-Mar-22 22:21:22

I’m so sorry for what is happening, Lollipoplove. It must be heartbreaking for you.

Sadly it sounds as though your stepmum has reached her
final few days. If this is anything like my mum’s recent death at home, her partner will need to think only of each moment as it happens, and won’t have anything spare to think of other things with.

I do hope that you have someone who can support you through this.

You’re in my thoughts tonight.

harrigran Fri 04-Mar-22 09:29:27

Respect the person's wishes. It is a very difficult situation and the patient should be the only person being considered.